tigressA Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 My former FWB who I posted about several times here before, who I'm still friends with but haven't seen very often, had "a message" for me, delivered through a couple of my housemates that he recognized when they were out to dinner--he was their server. He said to tell me that he's mad at me because I didn't go to his band's set a few weeks back. I had promised him I would go, and I didn't have an excuse for not showing up. But I'm pretty annoyed at the fact that he'd be so passive-aggressive as to have my housemates pass on a message that he very well could've taken to me directly, and much sooner after the show had taken place instead of several weeks later. How should I respond to this, or should I not respond at all?
Pfiend101 Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 My guess is he had more feelings for you then he wants to admit. Though it was wrong to promise to do something then not. But like you said the message through the friends thing is kinda lame. Sounds like a boy and not a man. I would let it go, that shows your the bigger person.
JustJoe Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 If you didn't care enough about him to go to the set, after telling him you would, thus breaking your word, how can you be upset with his backhanded response? I mean no disrespect, but if you had kept your word, none of this other stuff would have happened, would it?
Author tigressA Posted April 11, 2010 Author Posted April 11, 2010 (edited) Yeah, I figure ignoring it is the best thing. There are no "feelings" to be factored in here, really--he's had an on-off girlfriend, who, incidentally, I've never liked and I think the feeling is mutual, for over a year now, and I've been dating around since finally getting over him back in September of last year. To be perfectly honest, I feel weird being his friend, and this issue has made me realize that. I feel I can't shake the image that I cultivated for myself with him--like a vulture, swooping in for scraps once yet another girl was finished with him, or vice versa. The real reason I decided to abruptly not attend his show was because the day of the show I noticed, on the Facebook event page, that his on-off girlfriend had RSVP'd as "Attending". I didn't want to be there with her there. He has a history of full disclosure with the girls he gets involved with, and I assume that he's told her most, if not all, of what had happened between us, up through the time when I basically tried to steal him from her last fall by confessing my feelings for him when he was in the midst of reconciling with her. From what I know of her, she loves drama, so I could've started something just by showing my face, and I didn't want any part of that. Edited April 11, 2010 by tigressA
Pfiend101 Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 I see. I think you should cut him loose. Sounds like he wants to make drama for you. If it feels weird being friends then I think you already gave yourself your answer.
Author tigressA Posted April 11, 2010 Author Posted April 11, 2010 I'm going to ignore it and just cut him loose as a friend. I don't know why I ever thought I could really be his friend anyway, what with all that's been between us (I have less convoluted history with all 3 of my ex-boyfriends combined!), and when we were closer before I never was his friend--I acted that way and subtly schemed in hopes of ending up with more than just his friendship. I'm just going to act like it never happened, and gradually cut him out of my life. The process seems at least halfway done to me anyway. We're much, much less close than we were; I randomly spotted him on campus weeks ago, but before that I hadn't seen him since September and had only talked to him a few times.
carhill Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 I assume that he's told her most, if not all, of what had happened between us, up through the time when I basically tried to steal him from her last fall by confessing my feelings for him when he was in the midst of reconciling with her. Here's the reason for ignoring him. This wasn't exactly a FWB scenario. Time to heal it. Good luck
Trimmer Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 I would lend it all the importance that it deserves, based on the fact that it was a message sent through friends, when he was coincidentally their server. Ignore it for now. If the issue comes up again and you want to deal with it, I would just say "oh, I figured you were just teasing, and it must not have been that important to you since you sent it through my friends. You would have talked to me directly if something was really bothering you, right?"
Author tigressA Posted April 11, 2010 Author Posted April 11, 2010 (edited) I would just say "oh, I figured you were just teasing, and it must not have been that important to you since you sent it through my friends. You would have talked to me directly if something was really bothering you, right?" Brilliant. I love it. This is exactly what I'm going to say if it ever comes up again, though I doubt it will. I remember last term, in November, when I had a lead role in a big production at my school. He said he would be there to see it, but I never saw him. He then later told me that he didn't show up because he felt it would "be awkward" since my most recent ex, who I had reconciled with briefly at the time, had been at the show too. Having said that, it would appear that I "paid him back" by bailing on my promise to him, but that definitely wasn't the motivation. Though things came to a head over 6 months ago and the air was supposedly cleared, both these things having taken place shows that still, neither of us are comfortable enough to be around each other in the company of the respective people we're dating because of how much our partners know or don't know about our history. If we were really friends, that wouldn't matter to either of us; there wouldn't be any "awkwardness", or even better, if there was, we'd be up to dealing with it instead of just bailing. So this bridge definitely needs to be burned sooner rather than later. Edited April 11, 2010 by tigressA
Pleco Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 I doubt he was really mad. He was probably joking. You've never seen two people joking/flirting with each other and then one says "I'm mad at you!" because of something irrelevant that the other did, but person 1 was never earnestly mad. They were just looking for attention.
Author tigressA Posted April 11, 2010 Author Posted April 11, 2010 I doubt he was really mad. He was probably joking. You've never seen two people joking/flirting with each other and then one says "I'm mad at you!" because of something irrelevant that the other did, but person 1 was never earnestly mad. They were just looking for attention. I would agree, only that my housemate would definitely have told me if she'd gotten any sort of vibe off him that he was kidding, and she didn't.
alphamale Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 How should I respond to this, or should I not respond at all? you should not respond at all
Star Gazer Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 I would have taken the comment made to your friends as a teasing way of getting you to contact him - nothing more. He's not really "mad."
stillafool Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 The real reason I decided to abruptly not attend his show was because the day of the show I noticed, on the Facebook event page, that his on-off girlfriend had RSVP'd as "Attending". I didn't want to be there with her there. He has a history of full disclosure with the girls he gets involved with, and I assume that he's told her most, if not all, of what had happened between us, up through the time when I basically tried to steal him from her last fall by confessing my feelings for him when he was in the midst of reconciling with her. From what I know of her, she loves drama, so I could've started something just by showing my face, and I didn't want any part of that. C'mon you are not acting like a FWB but a jealous gf. If you guys are FWBs there was nothing wrong with him telling your friends "Oh by the way tell so and so......", especially if he was their server and it was light and matter of factly. Of course he was going to ask about you as that seems polite. If you were trying to steal him and are jealous because another girl would show up I think you are in love with this guy and you don't see him as a FWB. A true FWB wouldn't care who was there they would just be there to support their friend or not go and not give it another thought.
Author tigressA Posted April 11, 2010 Author Posted April 11, 2010 (edited) C'mon you are not acting like a FWB but a jealous gf. If you guys are FWBs there was nothing wrong with him telling your friends "Oh by the way tell so and so......", especially if he was their server and it was light and matter of factly. Of course he was going to ask about you as that seems polite. If you were trying to steal him and are jealous because another girl would show up I think you are in love with this guy and you don't see him as a FWB. A true FWB wouldn't care who was there they would just be there to support their friend or not go and not give it another thought. You clearly didn't even read the entire thread, and you clearly didn't even interpret the post you quoted from me correctly. We are just friends and have been for awhile now. I bailed on going to his show because I didn't want to possibly start something with his girlfriend/non-girlfriend because I know she loves drama, and most likely she knows everything about what happened last fall when I had told him of the feelings I had for him at that time. I didn't want to start a conflict between me and her, or even her and him, just by showing my face, and I have a feeling that would've happened because of the kind of person this girl is, which incidentally is why I don't like her. I'm not comfortable around her because of the history I have with him, and because I had "advised" him several times before to be rid of her when they had had problems. I don't know what she knows or doesn't know, and because of that, I am not comfortable being somewhere they would both be at the same time. Edited April 12, 2010 by tigressA
JustJoe Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Tigress, I understand your reason for not attending, but why then did you say that you would? If you didn't want to be with his GF, then you shouldn't have agreed, right? Once you agreed, you committed yourself, and should have attended, for the sake of your own integrity. But if you are going to ignore him, then the problem is solved.
Author tigressA Posted April 12, 2010 Author Posted April 12, 2010 Tigress, I understand your reason for not attending, but why then did you say that you would? If you didn't want to be with his GF, then you shouldn't have agreed, right? Once you agreed, you committed yourself, and should have attended, for the sake of your own integrity. But if you are going to ignore him, then the problem is solved. I didn't know she was going to be there until I had checked the Facebook event page the day of the show, and I saw her under the "(insert # of people) are attending". I didn't even know they were seeing each other again. If I had, I wouldn't have ever said I would go.
JustJoe Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Oh, I see. Well, lesson learned. But the end part about leaving each other alone would seem to be a good idea.
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