shadowplay Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 After a very painful breakup, in which you were ultimately rejected by someone you really love, how do you detach? How do you suppress the pain so it doesn't interfere with your life? It's only been a few days but I'm trying really, really hard. I've been doing most of the things that common wisdom would advise: getting things done for myself, reconnecting with family, getting out. But whenever I try to distract myself with one of these activities, I'm flooded with unpleasant thoughts. Oddly enough, I only feel someone at ease when I'm writing about it or thinking about it directly here. When I try to avoid the thoughts, they hurt more. I really just want to suppress it completely, even if it's unnatural. He's done it, I know. I don't care if it turns me into a robot. I'd be ok with being a robot for as long as it takes to heal. Any advice?
JustToBeMe Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 I know exactly how you feel! I am currently going through the same thing! It has been 1 week and I am feeling terrible. I work a ton so I don't have a lot of close personal friendships or family to rely on when it comes to "healing" so to speak. I made this man my entire world (my fault) and now I can't seem to be able to move on without him. I feel ridiculous. I went out with some friends to dinner and it helped out a lot, but once we left the restaurant and I got into my car, I felt horrible again. The hardes part about it is not calling/texting him. He left without a reason and we have been married for 3 years. So far I get comfort with watching stand up comedy and doing homework. I am going to start with working out tomorrow. Maybe it will release some much needed serotonin in my brain and I will feel happy; allowing me to detach from him for a little bit. I too would become a robot if i could only get over this..... What have you tried so far? Are you still in contact with him?
Author shadowplay Posted April 11, 2010 Author Posted April 11, 2010 (edited) I know exactly how you feel! I am currently going through the same thing! It has been 1 week and I am feeling terrible. I work a ton so I don't have a lot of close personal friendships or family to rely on when it comes to "healing" so to speak. I made this man my entire world (my fault) and now I can't seem to be able to move on without him. I feel ridiculous. I went out with some friends to dinner and it helped out a lot, but once we left the restaurant and I got into my car, I felt horrible again. The hardes part about it is not calling/texting him. He left without a reason and we have been married for 3 years. So far I get comfort with watching stand up comedy and doing homework. I am going to start with working out tomorrow. Maybe it will release some much needed serotonin in my brain and I will feel happy; allowing me to detach from him for a little bit. I too would become a robot if i could only get over this..... What have you tried so far? Are you still in contact with him? Aww. I can't imagine what you must be feeling having been married to him for three years. That's awful. I also made this man too much of my life, which was a mistake. You should definitely work out! I'm going to do the same thing starting Monday when I get back to school. No, I'm not in contact with him, which is really hard because we used to text/im/talk over the phone constantly. I haven't tried to contact him, but even if I did I wouldn't be able to because he has completely blocked me (I realized when I tried in vain to contact him before our last conversation). So far I've been really focusing on my schoolwork, hanging out with my folks (I went home for the weekend to be with them), looking for a new job and scheduling therapy appointments to find a good therapist. I have three therapy appointments lined up for next week. I only have one close friend, so I'm trying to brainstorm ways to meet new people. I'm making a lot of behavioral changes, but my feelings aren't catching up. It's frustrating as hell. In fact doing all this stuff is harder than it is when I just distract myself with something unproductive, but I can't do that because it won't get me anywhere. The worst part is we're in two classes together so I have to see him three times a week for a total of six hours and try to ignore him as best I can. Stay in touch with me and tell me how it goes! I'm going to keep working on trying to detach completely. One idea I've heard is to pretend the other person is dead. You might try this. It will be a bit hard for me, though, since I have to see him three times a week, but maybe i can just pretend that "thing" in the corner is his ghost. Edited April 11, 2010 by shadowplay
Engadget Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 I'm still working on detaching, but the initial shock, crying and the worst of it is past. It took a couple months and was dragged on because I still live in the place we shared, so it was a constant reminder. Going out and flirting with other women helped a bit, my confidence was a little shattered after 4 years of being with her and having it end that way. Trying to get back in shape too as that kind of fell by the wayside as well. Trying to meet new people as well helps.
EasyHeart Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Don't try to hold in the emotions or avoid them. Let them out. Feel them. Process them. If you just hold them in and try avoid them, they stick around and never go away. Mourn the relationship. Mourn the loss of a future together. Maybe even have a little funeral and bury the past. Once you let it all out, you'll feel better and really be able to move on and look to the future.
Ariadne Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 After a very painful breakup... It's only been a few days but I'm trying really, really hard. Any advice? Hi, I didn't read your previous thread.. But he most likely will be back. He was having a good thing with you and he is not going to want to lose that. You are an attractive girl. But probably he won't take you seriously anymore.
SadandConfusedWA Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Unfort. I don't think that you will be able to truly detach if you will see him regularly in classes. The only way to detach is to never see him again, never speak to him again and never hear of him again. Even then, it will take time.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Seeing him certainly will prolong your feeling like you've moved on, however, it's still very possible to do, even though you have classes together. Do no try to contact him, at all. You must do this for yourself. It's such an ego boost to the person when the dumpee tries to come back and figure things out. Fact of the matter is, he chose to bail on you - the reasoning isn't even relevant really... Stay no contact with him, that will help. You say you have one good friend, that's a great thing. Even if you had none, you could still get through this successfully. Be sure that you eat, sleep and exercise like you're suppose to. It being so early in the breakup you're probably very distraught and its having some effect on your normal habits. That pain will pass faster when you make the decision not to initiate contact with him again, and if he does, not to take those communications. What you're doing right now, at your current stage, is tough enough - i know from experience. I'd say to focus on that for now. Eat well, go to bed a few hours earlier than you usually do and be sure to get in some exercise on a regular basis. That plus stay no contact with him. In a few weeks you will be in a much better place - considering you've stuck with the above. Once you improve, begin to brainstorm the things you want to do that involve new social environments. I'm talking about joining new groups that do stuff that you think is cool. Maybe hiking is something you've never done, find a group of people that are around your age and join them. Brainstorm other things like this and join in. Join in regularly. You will make new friends and find new people that you can connect with. You will get through this. You're doing great so far.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 When I try to avoid the thoughts, they hurt more. I really just want to suppress it completely, even if it's unnatural. He's done it, I know. I firmly believe that the only way to get through pain/anger/resentment/grief is to REALLY feel it, then let it go. If you fight the pain, it will sneak its way into your body, mind, and heart and stick around a lot longer than if you just feel it and let it go. It doesn't matter what he's doing. He is now irrelevant. All that matters is that you take care of yourself.
melodymatters Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Cultivate the disgust and anger !!!!!! This is the reason I CAN'T ever go back to someone by the time they want to try again : I did TOO good a sales job on myself about how weak and gross and stupid they are ! Every time you think of one of those happy moments, quickly switch it to how weak he was, how much of a daddy's boy, how he wanted to be ass raped by a dildo, how he doesn't even HAVE a self or center. Dis this guy to the high heavens every time you even think of him. Soon, you will have pavlov's dogged yourself to feel nothing but "ew". Of course later on in the process you have to learn to forgive, realized what you did wrong etc. but right now it's survival time !!!!!!
Author shadowplay Posted April 11, 2010 Author Posted April 11, 2010 Well, I already contacted him today with a very, very short email that was similar to the suggestion TBF gave in another thread, except she suggested I wait for him to contact me first. It was basically an angry yet very calm, collected and dignified email. I felt like I had to get it out. I don't plan on ever contacting him again. Maybe doing this was a mistake? Because now I'm feeling frazzled again. I don't know. The sadness comes in waves, and it seems to oddly get worse when I'm out doing something and my mind isn't occupied. Like I just took a long, nice walk with my folks, and was feeling miserable by the end. It's a gorgeous day, and I kept looking at the sun and everything and trying to make myself feel happy, but I felt totally removed from it. And everything reminded me of the life we had planned together. When I saw kids and parents I would think of the family we had planned. I came home and started sobbing. I miss him so much. I had no idea the depth of my love for him until I lost him. No loss I've ever gone through even compares to this. I really, really want to feel angry at him, but all I feel is love. I'll feel angry for a moment and then it's just replaced with love.
threebyfate Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Well, I already contacted him today with a very, very short email that was similar to the suggestion TBF gave in another thread, except she suggested I wait for him to contact me first.I wish you had waited for him to contact you. Timing is everything when it comes to a scorched earth policy.
Hot Carl Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Well, I already contacted him today with a very, very short email that was similar to the suggestion TBF gave in another thread, except she suggested I wait for him to contact me first. It was basically an angry yet very calm, collected and dignified email. I felt like I had to get it out. I don't plan on ever contacting him again. Maybe doing this was a mistake? Because now I'm feeling frazzled again The problem with this kind of contact is that you dupe yourself into thinking you don't care how they respond, or even if they respond. But the nature of communication is that any message sent is always meant to get a response. If you're in a situation where no response comes back, then you fill in the response for yourself. And you are generally not too charitable. Whether they respond with an actual message or with silence or with indifference, it's all a response, and none of it leaves you feeling better than if you had just controlled yourself.
Author shadowplay Posted April 11, 2010 Author Posted April 11, 2010 The problem with this kind of contact is that you dupe yourself into thinking you don't care how they respond, or even if they respond. But the nature of communication is that any message sent is always meant to get a response. If you're in a situation where no response comes back, then you fill in the response for yourself. And you are generally not too charitable. Whether they respond with an actual message or with silence or with indifference, it's all a response, and none of it leaves you feeling better than if you had just controlled yourself. Yeah, you're probably right. At the same time I don't want to beat myself up for sending it.
Hot Carl Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 I hope you don't. But the best way to detach is to start training your focus farther down the road. Not on what happened or how you caused it or him or on what you'll do tomorrow or how you'll get through the pain. Just on something farther out. Your real life goals. You don't deserve to suffer or to be abandoned, Shadow. Maybe you're a challenge to be with, but everyone is. No one is perfect and without neuroses or insecurities. The things you might be kicking yourself for are the things that make you who you are. Without them you wouldn't really be human. A good guy will work with them and around them and be sweet and also demanding. But he won't just leave you without warning. Just use the pain to learn and grow. But also look past it.
Star Gazer Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 You don't deserve to suffer or to be abandoned, Shadow. Maybe you're a challenge to be with, but everyone is. No one is perfect and without neuroses or insecurities. The things you might be kicking yourself for are the things that make you who you are. Without them you wouldn't really be human. A good guy will work with them and around them and be sweet and also demanding. But he won't just leave you without warning. Great advice, HC.
Author shadowplay Posted April 12, 2010 Author Posted April 12, 2010 You don't deserve to suffer or to be abandoned, Shadow. Maybe you're a challenge to be with, but everyone is. No one is perfect and without neuroses or insecurities. The things you might be kicking yourself for are the things that make you who you are. Without them you wouldn't really be human. A good guy will work with them and around them and be sweet and also demanding. But he won't just leave you without warning. Just use the pain to learn and grow. But also look past it. Aww, thanks, HC. I'm starting to realize that it's not my problem what happened, but at the same time I still really, really miss him and what we had.
Author shadowplay Posted April 12, 2010 Author Posted April 12, 2010 Right now it's just not synching in that he's an arsehole for what he did or that he's even screwed up. I can believe it for a few minutes, when somebody reminds me, but then the feeling goes away. It's just so incongruous with the guy I loved. I wish I could hate him, but instead I keep thinking of how sweet he is. I keep remembering his warm smile, the sweetest, most genuine smile I have ever seen...and how safe it made me feel. I really, really, really want to be angry at him. Will this feeling ever turn to anger?
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 I don't think you should try to detatch.I'm an incredibly sensitive person so I struggle with this ALL the time; how to let people, things, life float by and not grip onto it. But anything can become a happen and trying to enforce distance can become one too. You can learn to be distant, but then you have to learn to feel again.For example, I forced myself to be distant, and it became natural and I found I couldn't 'feel' anything for a new guy, I was numb. And I actually found that sad. Like its almost better to feel the good, even if it means you'll be hurt than to find you just don't feel a thing. Just FEEL what you're feeling and in time it will die down. Don't be one of those people that builds walls instead of boundaries or by the time you meet a great new person, you wont let them in anyway.
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