MizzBlue72 Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 I think everyone looks. You can appreciate good looking people and not stray. I think this is completely normal. What is not normal are the actions that we chose to take. To stay committed or to act on our urges. He loves his wife - has been married 20 yrs. He is still with her and not cheating - that is a good thing.
soserious1 Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Nobody expects a married person to suddenly go blind.. OTOH I can tell you that hearing your hubby tell you & others just how much he's "sacrificed" to be married to you really wears down the self-esteem after awhile. Please, don't do me any favors, eat where you get your appetite.
SummerLady Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 You're completely misinterpreting him. The woman you love the most in the world is not always the one you think is best looking. The two are totally seperate things. All he means is that while he loves his wofe to death, he recognizes beauty in other women as well. That is perfectly normal. This is the truth. One has nothing to do with the other. I myself find my SO very very attractive but even if I didn't I would still love him as deeply as I do. You have to have an attractive but the person does not have to be the most perfect person in reference to looks. I know some are defensive when they hear this but I think its unrealistic to think otherwise. I think the difference is, the love and the bond. If these 2 are not strong a comment like this can turn heads. Just my opinion.
linwood Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 lol... But I fail to see why he should say that otherwise... Actually I`m with Giotto. I don`t see how the comment even makes any sense unless in the context of a compliment towards his wife. Isn`t this the irony of relationships? Wouldn`t it be just a little funny if you were so PO`d at your husband because he complimented you?
You Go Girl Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Nobody expects a married person to suddenly go blind.. OTOH I can tell you that hearing your hubby tell you & others just how much he's "sacrificed" to be married to you really wears down the self-esteem after awhile. Please, don't do me any favors, eat where you get your appetite. haha...I feel the same way. This guy isn't doing his wife any favors either.
Green Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 You should have put him on the spot and asked "what does that mean?" It could mean he likes being married but still notices women... who knows really... it is kind of a strange thing to say. People say strange stuff all the time thought, like "women can't live with them, can't live with out them!"
shadowofman Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Human feelings are sensitive to the truth. White lies are an unfortunate reality. If you want to be the sole object of another persons desire and believe that that is even possible, you are the definition of ignorant. And if you get upset at your partners truthful expression, then you are allowing ignorance to disrupt your relationship by not loving as unconditionally as the fairytale demands. Of course that is just one opinion. It is also not very loving to constantly comment one your desires for others in the face of your SO. Both examples are extremes that appear unhealthy to me. This casual comment currently in question seems wholly within mainstream and moderate acceptable truth. Sure he could have just shut up, but withholding this true expression seems oppressive and unhealthy.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 He is saying..yes, I love my wife very much, but I'm not dead and I still find other women beautiful. It would be crazy for someone to expect or even think that your SO doesn't check out other people. I check out men and WOMEN all the time...doesn't mean I love my H any less.
soserious1 Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 (edited) I dunno, somehow after a few yrs of hearing all about the various women my husband thought were hot and getting the perfunctory "but I love you dear and sacrifice being with all these beauties for you" I begin to feel not loved or cherished but rather like an ugly old stone that was preventing him from pursing the women he REALLY wanted. It turns out I was right. All future relationships will be open ones because I'm not real interested in hearing again about how the terrible, horrible "sacrifice" it is to confine sexual activities solely to inadequate lowly me. So, go eat with gusto whever you happen to work up an appetite and save your "sacrifices" for Lent. Edited April 12, 2010 by soserious1
xxoo Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 I dunno, somehow after a few yrs of hearing all about the various women my husband thought were hot and getting the perfunctory "but I love you dear and sacrifice being with all these beauties for you" I begin to feel not loved or cherished but rather like an ugly old stone that was preventing him from pursing the women he REALLY wanted. It turns out I was right. There is a difference between acknowledging sacrifices to a friend, and throwing sacrifices in your partner's face. I openly acknowledge to other mothers the sacrifices involved in parenting. I truly believe it is healthy to do so. But I don't harp on them to my children, kwim? I acknowledge them sometime in a deep, philosophical conversation with an older child, but it isn't something I point out all the time to my kids. Same with my marriage. As a person who has been very happily married for a decade or two, I think it is healthy to be honest about the realities of sacrifice when discussing marriage with others. Of course there are sacrifices! But my H is so great, it is well worth it. There is no one else I'd rather be with, even though I still lust sometimes .
soserious1 Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 There is a difference between acknowledging sacrifices to a friend, and throwing sacrifices in your partner's face. I openly acknowledge to other mothers the sacrifices involved in parenting. I truly believe it is healthy to do so. But I don't harp on them to my children, kwim? I acknowledge them sometime in a deep, philosophical conversation with an older child, but it isn't something I point out all the time to my kids. Same with my marriage. As a person who has been very happily married for a decade or two, I think it is healthy to be honest about the realities of sacrifice when discussing marriage with others. Of course there are sacrifices! But my H is so great, it is well worth it. There is no one else I'd rather be with, even though I still lust sometimes . Well, I don't particularly get turned on by hearing about how difficult a "sacrifice" it is to have sex only with me, it doesn't make me feel good at all, it has the opposite effect and actually is a HUGE turnoff. The only relationships I'll even consider now are open ones, no need to tell lies, no need to stand there basically slapping someone in face with left handed compliments about "sacrifice" bed whomever excites you whenever it pleases you and spare me the sacrifice talk.
You Go Girl Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 soserious1-- you don't need to settle for an open relationship. I'd date casually or whatever it took, to keep your heart from becoming attached to someone until you have checked to make sure that they don't see monogamy as a sacrifice. I too don't care for the word, but then, I have a feeling you have been hurt as I have, so we take this more to heart than some others do. You just hold out for one that comes along that also doesn't view monogamy as a sacrifice. Don't settle. It will happen, you will find what you are looking for, but it may take some years, so find a way to be happy in the meantime, or even if you never find such a guy! I see a pattern with those who have been cheated on, betrayed, lied to. They take the whole thing such as the word 'sacrifice' a lot more seriously than do those who aren't wounded or scarred. So perhaps the answer is to find a man that has been hurt by some woman who 'sacrificed' for awhile, then decided not to sacrifice anymore, but go out and cheat. One thing I feel pretty certain of--is that if I find a man in my future who has been cheated on, lied to, etc., we will both understand the gravity and pain such actions cause, and we'll both be on the level with each other.
Author Peitho Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 Well, I don’t know if I made this clear, but his wife was not present He wasn’t referring to his wife when he said ‘pretty girls’. It was clear that he was talking about other women (I assume young women because he didn’t say women , he saidgirls) People in my office often talk about hot women and comment. This was NOT one of those conversations. This guy was talking about how much he loves his wife – and looks like he couldn’t even do it without mentioning how much he likes pretty girls. Interesting that it would be a natural thought to follow for many people. Hmm.. I don’t get that sacrifice thing either. I don’t sacrifice for my children. I enjoy doing staff for them!! Same applies to my marriage. So, go eat with gusto wherever you happen to work up an appetite and save your "sacrifices" for Lent. A agree with this. Definitely a turn off. To me, if it is a sacrifice, than it is not worth it – for either of us.
xxoo Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I don’t get that sacrifice thing either.I don’t sacrifice for my children. I enjoy doing staff for them!! Same applies to my marriage. . I enjoy doing stuff for my kids, too. I love being with them! But being with them (esp fulltime when they are young) means sacrificing income, sacrificing workouts, sacrificing "me time", sacrificing loud sex, sacrificing daytime sex, sacrificing my pre-baby abs ...... I wouldn't trade them for the world. But, yeah, sacrifice! You are offended by his comment. That's fair. But would his wife be offended? Maybe she'd be fine with it, as many women on this thread are.
Author Peitho Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 You are offended by his comment. That's fair. But would his wife be offended? Maybe she'd be fine with it, as many women on this thread are. True. I guess I wanted to find out how many other people share his thought process
You Go Girl Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 It's one thing to mention that he likes women, maybe even offhandedly, and definitely without the knowledge that his remark would be scrutinized on an internet relationship site, lol It's another thing entirely if while walking down the street with his wife he has to check out the babes, or hangs sports illustrated swimsuit issues in the garage, or watches porn whenever his wife isn't around, or ...and...or...etc...etc. Noticing attractive people is human. Being focused on finding as much eye candy as possible and definitely making sure he doesn't miss any eye candy walking down the street is another kind of sub-human entirely. lol
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