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"nice guys" = not that nice


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Posted

At least based on my relationship experience.

 

All the guys I've dated who seemed extremely nice at first and were rejected by many girls in the past ended up turning on/betraying me. I tried to keep an open mind and not reject guys for the same reasons that many women do, but it came back to bite me in the arse.

 

I'm starting to think there was a reason these guys were rejected by other women, because they're weak...and you can't count on people who are weak to treat you well.

 

In fact I don't think men like this know how to handle someone who genuinely accepts them, because they're so used to rejection. Being loved by someone throws them for a loop. Usually they'll come on too strong, act clingy, and scare a girl off. But if a woman sticks around, they don't know how to handle it.

 

Time to adjust my people picker and go for more outwardly confident men.

Posted

You're exactly right Shadow. Nice guys get clingy, have no confidence and are entirely insecure. Hence the term "nice guy"

Posted

Here is the question though, I consider myself a nice guy but I don't know about the clinginess although if somebody told me I was I'd definitely believe it. But how do I stop? I just want to meet somebody and be loved but I don't know how to do that and in my desire to try I shoot myself in the foot. Drive myself crazy most days.

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Posted
Good, go for the absusive jerk then.

 

There's more to humanity than those two ends of the spectrum.

Posted
Better than being a jerk.

 

 

not if you want to keep a girl around it isnt

  • Author
Posted
Here is the question though, I consider myself a nice guy but I don't know about the clinginess although if somebody told me I was I'd definitely believe it. But how do I stop? I just want to meet somebody and be loved but I don't know how to do that and in my desire to try I shoot myself in the foot. Drive myself crazy most days.

 

You're not ready to be in a relationship if you're desperate to be loved, because either you will be rejected or you will eventually reject the other person. You need too much. Meet those needs in other ways by building up your self confidence, making more connections with other people. Also, make sure you don't idealize women.

Posted
The so called in betweens are just jerks.

 

ITT: somebody who feels they are a nice guy and got insulted.

 

Is it possible to be nice to our girlfriends/girlfriends in potentia, without being clingy and desperate?

Posted
Here is the question though, I consider myself a nice guy but I don't know about the clinginess although if somebody told me I was I'd definitely believe it. But how do I stop? I just want to meet somebody and be loved but I don't know how to do that and in my desire to try I shoot myself in the foot. Drive myself crazy most days.

 

O.K.

 

You're most likely way too focused on that goal of "being loved" when you first start a relationship or even date someone. That's way too early.

 

What you should be trying to do is just go out and date some people with the objective of relaxing, enjoying yourself, and having a good time.

 

This is key for you to realize.

 

The purpose of dating is to have fun, it's not supposed to be a torture test where you have to jump through a bunch of hoops so that the other person will love you.

 

So, when you ask someone out on a date, your focus really should be on just having a good time on that particular occasion, with that person--whether or not it leads to anything more serious, or not. IOW just trying to enjoy whatever it is you are doing right then.

 

IOW the date should be an end in itself, not a means to an end.

Posted

Glad you are getting something positive out of this.

 

I think the nice guys you are talking about are guys who are nice just because it's easier to get through life being nice to everyone. They are afraid to ruffle anyones feathers and cause conflict because they don't have as much confidence in themselves, and so they come off as being nice. But once you get know them the real them will come out, usually in a quick, unexpected break up.

 

Just my thoughts.

Posted
There's more to humanity than those two ends of the spectrum.

 

 

Not really: you're either confident or not, clingy or not, outgoing or not, subdued or not etc...

Posted
You're not ready to be in a relationship if you're desperate to be loved, because either you will be rejected or you will eventually reject the other person. You need too much. Meet those needs in other ways by building up your self confidence, making more connections with other people. Also, make sure you don't idealize women.

 

Well my source if self confidence problems comes from dealing with my weight throughout highschool (and while I'm older now the memories of highschool age girls and the crap I put up with from them taints my view of myself). Now though I'm in the process of losing weight and I feel better about myself than I ever have before, but I guess at this point I'm just impatient to get into a relationship with somebody again. In my mind I don't feel I can find anybody until I get down to my goal weight, and yet that is still months away. I really enjoy being in relationships and now I'm probably a little clingy just out of impatience. But I don't believe I suffer from many other aspects of the 'nice guy' syndrome.

Posted

Ugh, it always come to a nice guy vs jerk guy battle...Life is much more complicated and there are many exceptions. There are nice people in the world that are confident in their self. Do not become jaded because of your past burnings.

 

Shadow, you need to find a confident nice guy that isn't a doormat. And of course as you know, if he is all too perfect then you know there is something probably up.

 

"Time to adjust my people picker and go for more outwardly confident men." It is good you are realizing that you were the common denominator in all of your choosings..

Posted
O.K.

 

You're most likely way too focused on that goal of "being loved" when you first start a relationship or even date someone. That's way too early.

 

What you should be trying to do is just go out and date some people with the objective of relaxing, enjoying yourself, and having a good time.

 

This is key for you to realize.

 

The purpose of dating is to have fun, it's not supposed to be a torture test where you have to jump through a bunch of hoops so that the other person will love you.

 

So, when you ask someone out on a date, your focus really should be on just having a good time on that particular occasion, with that person--whether or not it leads to anything more serious, or not. IOW just trying to enjoy whatever it is you are doing right then.

 

IOW the date should be an end in itself, not a means to an end.

 

The 'being loved' thing was bad wording on my part, I've had a rough day and am pretty emotional right now so that was just a poorly phrased sentence. But I would love to be in the position you seem to think I am anyway, as it stands I don't even get any dates to be clingy on.

Posted
Not really: you're either confident or not, clingy or not, outgoing or not, subdued or not etc...

 

 

You make it sound so simplistic....The "nice guy" vs "jerk guy" debate reminds me off "republican" vs "democrat" debate. There are more political idealogies you can be apart that are not those two.

Posted
You make it sound so simplistic....The "nice guy" vs "jerk guy" debate reminds me off "republican" vs "democrat" debate. There are more political idealogies you can be apart that are not those two.

 

the trouble is my friend, it IS just that simplistic

Posted
the trouble is my friend, it IS just that simplistic

 

Just so I better understand the point at hand. You're saying that the nice guys you're talking about fit a few criteria

 

-clingy

-do whatever you say

-until you start to get serious then they panic because they don't know what to do?

Posted
Just so I better understand the point at hand. You're saying that the nice guys you're talking about fit a few criteria

 

-clingy

-do whatever you say

-until you start to get serious then they panic because they don't know what to do?

 

 

All except the last point. then they get even more clingy and desperate

Posted
All except the last point. then they get even more clingy and desperate

 

Fair enough, then I retract my previous statement about being a nice guy because it definitely doesn't apply to me. Finding somebody to start a relationship with is very high on my list of priorities, but I'm nobody's doormat and I certainly am not really desperate. Now I may, MAY, qualify as clingy sometimes, but thats probably just because I really like somebody and enjoy spending time with them, but I'm good at picking up on vibes and if I'm getting the 'I see too much of you' vibe, I back off.

Posted

It's easy to see, and ask any woman, she will agree, be kind of a jerk, funny ,inconsiderate standoffish man who is nice at times , and girls will be attracted to you come off as a nice guy, and you will find yourself down the road very quickly

Posted
All except the last point. then they get even more clingy and desperate

 

The wonderful allure of culture and propaganda has taken the reigns of many people in this country. I am a nice guy, and I'm confident in my abilities and not clingy and sure as hell not a doormat. But I have to be thrown into a generalization because I respect people. People wouldn't know if they had someone decent standing right in front of them, because they have subdued by culture and hegemonic rituals. Or their past.

Posted
It's easy to see, and ask any woman, she will agree, be kind of a jerk, funny ,inconsiderate standoffish man who is nice at times , and girls will be attracted to you come off as a nice guy, and you will find yourself down the road very quickly

 

Possibly, but everyone's different.

  • Author
Posted

I should have known this thread would get hijacked. :rolleyes:

Posted
Possibly, but everyone's different.

 

 

True words my friend, everyone's different. But as a general rule the statement "nice guys finish last", is true

Posted
I should have known this thread would get hijacked. :rolleyes:

 

Ya, mentioning anything of "nice guy" or "jerk" in the title....That just means your looking for trouble..lol:)

Posted
They don't finish at all. Woman go from one jerk to the next and won't even give nice guys second dates.

 

 

Precisely.......................!

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