Update

[Katerina]

For those who might remember me... I posted some a few months ago, but then disappeared. To tell you the truth, I only come here when I feel down. I don't come here when things are good, because I don't want to be reminded (not like I don't ever NOT remember) about my H's affair, etc.

Anyway, I can't believe it's been over 2.5 years since I found out. I still struggle... every day. I'm totally sure that he regrets what he's done (1.5-yr long affair). For the last couple of years now he's been doing absolutely everything possible to make it up to me... but it doesn't seem enough. I know in my heart that if I met him today, I would be attracted to him - he's a good person, a good father, and can be very loving and affectionate toward me if I let him. But... today he's a man who chose to betray me... who actually had feelings for someone else (although he says they weren't "real"). I still go through stages... Right now we're civil, friendly, but I feel I need a break from anything more because anything "more" is a trigger for me... it brings all the negative feelings back... I feel trapped. Some here say that staying for the children's sake is wrong, but I can't, absolutely cannot ruin my innocent children's lives by taking them away from their father. They didn't ask to be born... and they didn't ask for their secure world to be destroyed. And, I know, that if I only could "get over the affair", we could "re-build" (whatever that means), but I can't. He is hopeful that with time we can have a very good marriage and some days I believe it, while other days I don't. He keeps asking what can he do? How can he make things better? And I answer, I want you not to have had the affair... I know it's impossible... so do I go on? Sorry for rambling... I'm just so tired of this roller coaster. I think I am capable of forgiving him, but I don't see how things can ever be "normal" between us. I don't want to get too close to him. Thanks for reading.

Edited April 10, 2010 by Katerina

[datura_noir]

I can't tell you what to feel, but I can tell you with certainty that what you are feeling is normal. When someone thrashes your beleif system, it is difficult to trust their motives, Think of it this way:

 

You own a business. Someone comes in, a regular customer, and writes you a check. The check bounces. The next time he comes in, he writes you a check, says that the previous check was a mis-understanding, and that it won't happen again. You trusted this person. You are wary of giving him another chance. Apropriately so. Do you accept the check?

 

You will never, as a BS, have that feeling of 100% blind trust again. It's unfortunate, but real. On the upside, you now know that the person you are dealing with with will never have your 100% blind trust, and they know that, and will hopefully do what is in their power to work with what they have.

 

Reconciliation is not easy; it sometimes make you feel like a total fool for staying, but there comes a point when you must dive in and give it your best. And if it doesn't work out, know that it is not you, but the check-bouncer that must resolve his issues.

 

I hope this helps!

[stella79]

Katerina...I'm sorry you are hurting. I am an xOM..We had our D-day, he chose his W over me for all the same reasons that you described. Even on D-day he told me he loved me.(he said they were just words and meant nothing)..then NC.. I'm sure if he didn't get caught then, the A would continue.

 

I am dealing with my remorse and terrible guilt having a part in destroying a family. Take a good look at your H, he hurt you terribly, but he was also capable of loving another W for 1.5 yrs and then...he's done with her just like that! How can a man throw away a secure family life for "just sex"? What kind of man does that? How can a man justify pretending to love someone else for sex? Why not get a prostitute?...(I apologize for my anger).

 

You are obviously still hurting after 2.5 yrs..Do your children see your pain? Your children deserve to have a happy loving mother..Your H is trying no doubt..But time usually heals, and you are still wounded. You deserve to be happy.. Do you want to find yourself single once the kids are grown and have left home? You can find happiness within yourself, persue the life you want, the kids will see that. You aren't taking the kids away from their father, he made the choice to betray you. . Stella

[Katerina]

Stella, yes, there was sex, but it wasn't the reason why he did what he did. He, apparently, had an identity crisis... it wasn't that he fell in love with her and that's why had the affair... Anyway, I don't want to sound like I defend him. I just want to say that people have affairs for reasons other than "just sex".

 

My children saw my pain the first year or so, although they were/are too young to understand. I appear quite happy although I get frustrated sometimes. I actually went back to school and changed careers since the D-day. This was my goal before I found out, and I didn't give up my dream. As a result, I can actually be quite independent financially very soon, which kind of scares me because now I can actually divorce him if I wanted to (before, I couldn't - no money, no family other than his... I'm all alone).

 

Anyway, honest to God I wish he did this to me before we had the children. Now everything is just so much more complicated. I don't know how much longer I can take this... On the other hand, we have good days, very good days... and then I have hope again. I'm torn.

[Katerina]

On the upside, you now know that the person you are dealing with with will never have your 100% blind trust, and they know that, and will hopefully do what is in their power to work with what they have.

 

Yes, this is exactly what is happening... but this absolutely cannot replace what we used to have.

[stella79]

Katerina..You are such a strong woman..(I don't know your whole story)Sorry for being such a downer, I am freshly hurt, and your post shows me how the BS feels and that her hurt will never go away.

 

Your independance is definately a threat to him..I guess you have to ask yourself if he's worth sticking it out with..Take your time, the answer will come.. Hugs Stella

[Katerina]

I think *he* might actually be worth it... surprising, I know. Like I said, if I could only "get over" the affair, we could actually have something... But I can't get past the betrayal, it seems.

[Katerina]

Katerina...I'm sorry you are hurting. I am an xOM..We had our D-day, he chose his W over me for all the same reasons that you described. Even on D-day he told me he loved me.(he said they were just words and meant nothing)..then NC.. I'm sure if he didn't get caught then, the A would continue.

 

 

I just wanted to add that our situation is a little different. I found out about the affair after we moved from the city where she was. So he had stopped seeing her, but they continued texting each other for a while.

[Spark1111]

Katerina I remember you and how much we had in common!

 

I too have good days and bad days, but the bad days are far less than they were and for that I am grateful.

 

As you grow in independence, financially and emotionally, your options will too.

 

You will realize that you stay or go by choice, unhampered by financial considerations, and that will be very empowering for you: the freedom to choose your future and if it will be with him or without him.

 

It sounds like you may be stuck in the grieving stage which is very normal. Instead of talking less of the affair, you may need to start talking more of it.

 

Are you two in counseling?

[Katerina]

Spark1111, thanks for your reply. We are not very faithful with counseling... we go on and off, like once every 3-4 months. We were just talking the other day that maybe we should make it a priority... make a schedule and stick to it, but so far we haven't.

 

You're right about bad days being less frequent.

[Remorseful Hubby]

Katerina, your posts sound like the exact quotes and feelings my wife is sharing. I just hope for the opportunity to spend the rest of my life making it up to her. I feel for your hurt and only hope my wife will be able to forgive and love me like she did before.

[Katerina]

Remorseful Hubby, I read your thread... I hope she can forgive you. But I bet she's replaying what you wrote in that note over and over again. Perhaps she, like me, is afraid to get too close to you... she doesn't want to get hurt. I can't imagine to ever have the intimacy (not sex) with my H. Not like we used to. He was my world... I depended on him. I loved him. I trusted him. Not anymore.

[on1wheel]

I sent U a PM already, so I hope to hear from U.

I too had my D-day 2.5 yrs ago, stayed for the sake of an innocent baby, have good & bad days, suffer EVERYDAY, have never had my M be the same & wonder if I'll ever "get past it".

I am sure Ur just like me, (female though :-D) that when U have 1 of ur really dark days that U look @ how happy ur child(ren) are & U know U did the right thing.

Having kids means U R no longer the most important person in ur life.

Bravo...my hat is off to U. Stay strong.

[MizFit]

I sent U a PM already, so I hope to hear from U.

I too had my D-day 2.5 yrs ago, stayed for the sake of an innocent baby, have good & bad days, suffer EVERYDAY, have never had my M be the same & wonder if I'll ever "get past it".

I am sure Ur just like me, (female though :-D) that when U have 1 of ur really dark days that U look @ how happy ur child(ren) are & U know U did the right thing.

Having kids means U R no longer the most important person in ur life.

Bravo...my hat is off to U. Stay strong.

 

I'm sorry on1wheel...I disagree with that. My father cheated on my mother and my brother and I felt her sadness and watching her live a life for us rather than for her. It does nothing for the kids to have parents hold onto something that should have been dead and buried long ago.

 

OP...I'm not suggesting you shouldn't try and do what you need to, but I very strongly disagree with marriages staying together for the kids.

 

When my H cheated on me I had a 3 year old...I gave him a wonderful life and now have a gorgeous, well adjusted 22 year old. To this day he doesn't know his father cheated, but he does know that I have been a happy person throughout his life.

[Cinnamon2000]

For those who might remember me... I posted some a few months ago, but then disappeared. To tell you the truth, I only come here when I feel down. I don't come here when things are good, because I don't want to be reminded (not like I don't ever NOT remember) about my H's affair, etc.

Anyway, I can't believe it's been over 2.5 years since I found out. I still struggle... every day. I'm totally sure that he regrets what he's done (1.5-yr long affair). For the last couple of years now he's been doing absolutely everything possible to make it up to me... but it doesn't seem enough. I know in my heart that if I met him today, I would be attracted to him - he's a good person, a good father, and can be very loving and affectionate toward me if I let him. But... today he's a man who chose to betray me... who actually had feelings for someone else (although he says they weren't "real"). I still go through stages... Right now we're civil, friendly, but I feel I need a break from anything more because anything "more" is a trigger for me... it brings all the negative feelings back... I feel trapped. Some here say that staying for the children's sake is wrong, but I can't, absolutely cannot ruin my innocent children's lives by taking them away from their father. They didn't ask to be born... and they didn't ask for their secure world to be destroyed. And, I know, that if I only could "get over the affair", we could "re-build" (whatever that means), but I can't. He is hopeful that with time we can have a very good marriage and some days I believe it, while other days I don't. He keeps asking what can he do? How can he make things better? And I answer, I want you not to have had the affair... I know it's impossible... so do I go on? Sorry for rambling... I'm just so tired of this roller coaster. I think I am capable of forgiving him, but I don't see how things can ever be "normal" between us. I don't want to get too close to him. Thanks for reading.

 

Does he trigger like you do with regards to the date you had? How is it that he is able to block it and you can't.

 

Is he happy with the marriage as it is today? Will he "give" you the divorce if you ask for one, meaning, giving you what you want regards to custody, child/spousal support, the house, etc.?

 

I am just trying to figure out how rependent he is? Maybe he is not as repenedent as you would like him to be and that's why you can't or don't want to forgive him.

 

Lastly, one very important question: Did you disclose his affair to your and his family and anyone whom he respect. If not, this might be the reason. You're carrying ALL the burden and a big secret while he still looks good to EVERYONE else like he is this faithful husband while you're the ONLY ONE who knows the truth.

Edited April 24, 2010 by Cinnamon2000

[Katerina]

Does he trigger like you do with regards to the date you had? How is it that he is able to block it and you can't.

 

Is he happy with the marriage as it is today? Will he "give" you the divorce if you ask for one, meaning, giving you what you want regards to custody, child/spousal support, the house, etc.?

 

I am just trying to figure out how rependent he is? Maybe he is not as repenedent as you would like him to be and that's why you can't or don't want to forgive him.

 

Lastly, one very important question: Did you disclose his affair to your and his family and anyone whom he respect. If not, this might be the reason. You're carrying ALL the burden and a big secret while he still looks good to EVERYONE else like he is this faithful husband while you're the ONLY ONE who knows the truth.

 

I'm surprised you remember my story so well. No, he doesn't seem to suffer too much in regards to my date. Perhaps, like me, he see the difference: one day out of devastation and pain, or almost 2 years "just because he could" while I thought he was faithful and trusted him with all my heart.

 

He'll do whatever I want or ask for. The topic has come up. He's not happy with our situation right now, but he is very hopeful. Like I've said, he's transformed into the husband I could only dream of before... he hopes it's not too late for us to "re-build". I do believe he's rependent. He's learned his lesson. The affair was a total waste of time and a really stupid thing to do. I do believe he feels this way. And perhaps I'm capable of forgiving him. What I'm not capable of is to get close to him emotionally. I feel like I need to keep him at arm's length. My therapist says that I punish myself for his affair... I know it wasn't my fault he had the affair, but I feel stupid for ever trusting him as much as I did. Now I don't want to trust anyone because people make mistake and disappoint and I don't want to be that trusting idiot that I was... although, of course, I understand that marriage is based on trust, etc. Anyway, I know I'm still screwed up mentally... I'm working on that.

 

He told his parents about the affair. His mom called one day and I was crying and couldn't stop. I didn't tell her what was happening but I said you should ask your son. She did. And he told her. Same for his father. I never told my family (they live far away), only my sibling knows, but he can keep a secret.

[Katerina]

I'm sorry on1wheel...I disagree with that. My father cheated on my mother and my brother and I felt her sadness and watching her live a life for us rather than for her. It does nothing for the kids to have parents hold onto something that should have been dead and buried long ago.

 

OP...I'm not suggesting you shouldn't try and do what you need to, but I very strongly disagree with marriages staying together for the kids.

 

When my H cheated on me I had a 3 year old...I gave him a wonderful life and now have a gorgeous, well adjusted 22 year old. To this day he doesn't know his father cheated, but he does know that I have been a happy person throughout his life.

 

When you make a sacrifice like that for your children, you also need to try to make the best of the current situation IMHO. So it's not that my children watch me suffer... we have family outings, we appear happy... the kids have no idea.

[Cinnamon2000]

Your story is almost identical to that of the poster aeh.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t230259/

[Katerina]

Your story is almost identical to that of the poster aeh.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t230259/

 

Yes, we've talked in the past briefly about the similarities.

[on1wheel]

You are entitled to your opinion of course, but do you believe that your 22 year old is happier growing up away from his Dad?

I think ur assuming that my daughter lives in an unhappy home, which could not be further from the truth. The sadness & torment are mine & mine alone. I suffer internally & NEVER let my daughter have the slightest clue.

To her, her Momma is perfect & that's how it shall remain. My W & I are a fantastic parenting team, so my daughter is not affected.

If you were not able to be sefless enough for your son then that was your decision. Your happiness (@ the time) was more important it seems. Because there is no way you did what was best for your son @ the time...again, unless you & ur cheating spouse were not capable of being civil around your child.

Anyway, my belief is that a parent does EVERYTHING possible to protect their child from pain & provide them love & security. I would not have done that if I had done what was best for me & divorced. If what you did worked for you, so be it. But I KNOW my daughter is happier with us all living as a happy family.

I just come to LS to communicate with both like minded people & those who are in need of advice &/or insight from someone that has been where they are. I don't talk with my W every time I am sad or tortured, as that would be counter productive to our relationship. She can't undo what she did...period.

Hope this clarifies that my child is unaware & lives in a home full of love. Cheers.

[on1wheel]

Sorry...the above post was for Mizfit. I hit quote, but it didn't include her post for some reason. Anyway, didn't want the OP to think I was referring to her.

The OP is the same kind of parent I am & would no doubt not agree with Mizfit either from what I read on the post.

[Katerina]

As I wrote in a different thread, I seem to come to LS when I'm most depressed... Well, here is something new. I'm here to give a good update for a change. Things are much better at home. I'm hopeful again... I thank God for all the blessings He's given me.