kimmy505 Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Ok…without all the detail heres my story… My marriage was on the rocks well before I became involved with my MM…it ended, and well – if there is such a thing, we are still good friends. From the outset MM has always said he didn’t know if he could leave his kids. He had a bad childhood, unstable etc and has always said he doesn’t want that for his kids. He has 3. A lot has happened in these 4 years, good and bad. As for the bad there has been fault on both sides. We have both ended it a number of times, which never lasts. She moved out, then back in etc. I have no idea if she has any clue about the A. Certainly of late he has been spending much more time with ‘the family’. He is usually open with me about where they are/have been and what they’ve done….not always but most of the time. And while it kills me inside every time I hear about it, it would be so much worse not knowing. I know full well that if I issue an ultimatum I will lose. And I don’t want that. I love him. But sometimes it is so hard to keep hanging on. The loneliness is a killer. Although some days I am so conscious of my life slipping past me I know im not even close to being ready or able to let go. Sometimes I feel like the only way anything is ever going to change is if either his W throws him out or if I end it. And from what I know of his W, she’s’ never going to do that. She’s sitting pretty – doesn’t have to work, money on tap etc. I don’t want any thing from him materially wise, I just want him. I also think that a good part of the reason for no change is pride on MM’s part. I think he doesn’t want to be a divorce statistic, in his friends/families/workmates eyes. So I guess my questions are - Does it EVER end well ? I mean, is there anyone who has ended up with the MM ? And if so, what was the catalyst for making that happen ? How long did you wait ? Im really struggling to stay positive and I really need some advice.
jj33 Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 If its 4 years and hes still saying he cant leave, I think you need to believe him. The question you have to ask yourself is are you happy being the OW if he never leaves? If you arent, then you should leave It does work out but if the person isnt leaving then often its because they go back to their marriages, and decide that after all is said and done they want to leave. While you are with him, what is the motivation for him to leave? He doesnt have to change the status quo and he can be with you. Im not saying if you cut it off he willl leave, but he will have to evaluate life with you and without you and if he doesnt leave, you will have given yourself a chance to get your life back. If you feel that you would prefer to have him in your life no matter what, then stay the course. But staying doesnt mean that over time hewill leave - its not an audition. He knows what you have together. Whether he will leave depends on the state of his marriage and his obligations or feeling of obligatoin to his family.
pureinheart Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Ok…without all the detail heres my story… My marriage was on the rocks well before I became involved with my MM…it ended, and well – if there is such a thing, we are still good friends. From the outset MM has always said he didn’t know if he could leave his kids. He had a bad childhood, unstable etc and has always said he doesn’t want that for his kids. He has 3. A lot has happened in these 4 years, good and bad. As for the bad there has been fault on both sides. We have both ended it a number of times, which never lasts. She moved out, then back in etc. I have no idea if she has any clue about the A. Certainly of late he has been spending much more time with ‘the family’. He is usually open with me about where they are/have been and what they’ve done….not always but most of the time. And while it kills me inside every time I hear about it, it would be so much worse not knowing. I know full well that if I issue an ultimatum I will lose. And I don’t want that. I love him. But sometimes it is so hard to keep hanging on. The loneliness is a killer. Although some days I am so conscious of my life slipping past me I know im not even close to being ready or able to let go. Sometimes I feel like the only way anything is ever going to change is if either his W throws him out or if I end it. And from what I know of his W, she’s’ never going to do that. She’s sitting pretty – doesn’t have to work, money on tap etc. I don’t want any thing from him materially wise, I just want him. I also think that a good part of the reason for no change is pride on MM’s part. I think he doesn’t want to be a divorce statistic, in his friends/families/workmates eyes. So I guess my questions are - Does it EVER end well ? I mean, is there anyone who has ended up with the MM ? And if so, what was the catalyst for making that happen ? How long did you wait ? Im really struggling to stay positive and I really need some advice. First off, welcome and FTR this is the OM/OW forum and also there is a lot to be positive about, you woke up to another day...it may not be perfect, although look forward to a bright future and it WILL happen. 1) It always ends well, as everyday is NEW beginning, focus on beginnings rather than using the term "end". 2) Yes this does happen. 3) Let it go and be you, what ever is meant to be WILL come to pass. 4) I never "waited" per se, as I have always maintained my own life, we were friends and still are, he is now D. Kimmy, there is no formula as no two R's are the same...your seeking answers and the answers are within you already. What is your heart saying to you? Are you seeing his M as truly over and never meant to be? One major question...you said that the only way you see youu and him together is if she threw him out, could you handle having him that way?
Author kimmy505 Posted April 11, 2010 Author Posted April 11, 2010 thank you all for your input. I am trying to read and absorb the different advice. Of course some of it I probably already know/know but it is appreciated none the less
MizzBlue72 Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Welcome Kimmy. I have to tell you - you have found a good place to share. Well - I can tell you that I am with MM who is now going through a Divorce. It's hard on him. We take it one day at a time. For me it is. We used to steal little pieces of time away because he was from out of state. Now he lives here. It's great to have him here - I love that. But I won't lie to you - for me, integrating the A relationship into a real relationship - it's hard. And scary. I think one poster above said it the best though. Can you stand being the OW if he does not leave? It really depends on your rules that you have set together. Some OW do not want more - sounds like you do though. I would be cautious, guard your heart and do not put your life on hold for him. He may be confused too. Good luck - keep posting!!!v
Passion4Life Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Ok…without all the detail heres my story… My marriage was on the rocks well before I became involved with my MM…it ended, and well – if there is such a thing, we are still good friends. From the outset MM has always said he didn’t know if he could leave his kids. He had a bad childhood, unstable etc and has always said he doesn’t want that for his kids. He has 3. A lot has happened in these 4 years, good and bad. As for the bad there has been fault on both sides. We have both ended it a number of times, which never lasts. She moved out, then back in etc. I have no idea if she has any clue about the A. Certainly of late he has been spending much more time with ‘the family’. He is usually open with me about where they are/have been and what they’ve done….not always but most of the time. And while it kills me inside every time I hear about it, it would be so much worse not knowing. I know full well that if I issue an ultimatum I will lose. And I don’t want that. I love him. But sometimes it is so hard to keep hanging on. The loneliness is a killer. Although some days I am so conscious of my life slipping past me I know im not even close to being ready or able to let go. Sometimes I feel like the only way anything is ever going to change is if either his W throws him out or if I end it. And from what I know of his W, she’s’ never going to do that. She’s sitting pretty – doesn’t have to work, money on tap etc. I don’t want any thing from him materially wise, I just want him. I also think that a good part of the reason for no change is pride on MM’s part. I think he doesn’t want to be a divorce statistic, in his friends/families/workmates eyes. So I guess my questions are - Does it EVER end well ? I mean, is there anyone who has ended up with the MM ? And if so, what was the catalyst for making that happen ? How long did you wait ? Im really struggling to stay positive and I really need some advice. kimmy505 , did ur marriage end after your affair ?
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 I feel like the only way anything is ever going to change is if either his W throws him out or if I end it. You are right. That is the only way things will change. MM likes things just like they are, so he will keep them like they are. If a MM is pushed out of a marriage he doesn't want to leave, then his next relationship is going to tank as well. I would wager that the only time a MM/OW situation 'works out' is when the MM genuinely wants to leave the marriage and does of his own accord, with help and support from the OW (not ultimatums and stuff like that).
Author kimmy505 Posted April 12, 2010 Author Posted April 12, 2010 Thanks again everyone Mizzblue - thank you particually kimmy505 , did ur marriage end after your affair ? Yes and no, we knew it was over, but my being in love with MM was what made me leave
SouthernSunshine Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 He says he can't leave his kids.. yada yada yada... If he loved you he would be with you, but then again he'd cheat on you like he does his wife.. So, there are no winners here. Either you continue living the way you do, and grow old and lonely, or you break it off, and find real love. Good luck!
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