I guess he never loved me?

[memorabilia]

Kudos to you if you make it through all of this.

 

It is so amazing to find the one person you feel truly happy with. He makes you feel good about yourself. You take care of each other and depend on each other for a lot.

I lived with my exfor almost a year, and we had gotten engaged on New Years Eve. He proposed and I was very excited. However, shortly after we began to have some problems. We started fighting a lot over small things. The fighting would get pretty intense sometimes. Neither of us would back down or back off. We had poor communication skills. Sometimes he would say the most insensitive thing and he could be vicious and mean, but he never hit me or anything like that.

After a brief period of fighting consistently on a regular basis I asked him if we could take some time to ourselves for a few days. It hurt me more than anything to let him go. I thought I was doing the right thing by giving us both some space, and time to miss each other so that we could realize that all the fighting isn't worth it and that we can work out our problems in a better way. It does take two people to argue. It wasn't a couple hours that he was texting me, telling me how much he loved and missed me. I was happy to hear from him.. but at the same time, I understood how he felt about me. He knew how I felt as well. That wasn't what was causing our problems, I wanted him to really think about it. He texted me up to five times daily for the first three or four days. I felt very crowded and even though it was unfair that I wasn't very responsive to his concerns, I felt like we both just needed some time. After he still wasn't giving it to me I made the mistake of taking my ring off. He saw that I wasn't wearing it.. I hadn't discussed taking the ring off with him. I was very frustrated with his lack of patience with me and all I wanted us to do was work on our problems. I thought that by getting married, we would only make our problems worse in the long run and what if one of the times we fight, someone gets hurt or it's just a big blow out and we both leave each other hating the other person. I know that I should never have taken the ring off. He decided at that moment that we were both single and he could do whatever he wanted to do.

So he starts getting on facebook, talking to all these new people I've never met before but he claims they're his friends... And starts talking to a new girl that he liked within a week of us separating. He knew that I was hurting very much over our broken relationship... but I don't understand how someone moves on from someone they love so much, was in love with enough to get married, but can easily be ready to start giving himself to another person.

After a week had gone by, we both sat down and talked about what we wanted to do and where we would go from there. We both decided that we wanted to work it out, but he insisted on us being single. (How do you work on a relationship you're not even in?) He said he wanted us to work on our relationship and date and work on being friends... but he had been talking to this other girl while we were "working it out"... Because when we first sat down to talk, he told me about 4 other girls who had been texting him and one he said he could see himself actually being with. This is a week after we break up, mind you. But I tried to let that thought go if we were going to work it out. However, during this time his behavior was wishy-washy and he was being very secretive. One night, I was at his new place and we had sex. Right after we get done, I look over and his phone is going off - new text from this girl at 2am. I immediately start to cry because I didn't understand why she would be texting him at all, much less this late. Why is he still talking to this person?

Because he told me it was not the same girl he said he could see himself being with - just a girl with the same name. The arguing started to pick back up from there because I felt like he was keeping things from me about a girl, that he wasn't telling me the full truth. After a few days of fighting and arguing, I decided we should stop and forget about trying to work things out because it wasn't WORKING! He told me he didn't want it to end that way. But I do think he wanted it to end. A day or two goes by and I was getting very upset about not being able to make that relationship work - the first 8 or 9 months of living together was amazing. We were everything to each other, did everything together - he was very devoted to me... but I felt like I was missing something still. I texted him at night... and he was at BWW watching a fight with his friends. I asked him to call me when the fight was over because I needed to talk to him about some things that just didn't sit right with me. He calls me in the middle of the fight to yell at me because we were talking during the fight - but I never asked him to call me during the fight, only after it was over. He said he would not talk to me because he was too busy with his friends - he would see me tomorrow. I felt at that point like I got hit with a brick. Even if we were split up and having problems, if he were to call me and needed to talk no matter what plans I had - I love him very much so I would have made time to see that person. We argued some more over the phone before I flat out asked him if he lied to me about who the other girl was, if the girl he had been talking to is the same one he said he could see himself being with... and he said yes. I lied to you.

But why? Why did you lie to me if there was nothing going on? Why would you make up another person to avoid telling me who you're really talking to? Because you have something to hide, perhaps?

After hearing that, I was done with him. I couldn't deal with him lying to me because it felt to me like while we were trying to work it out and I was giving him everything I could, he was lying to me the whole time and I knew it, I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right which caused my behavior to turn sour and bitter towards him. That was the cause of our fighting, he still doesn't get that.

After saying some harsh things to him, I let some time go by. Maybe a week or two. He runs into my friend at Wal Mart and tells her to tell me that he still loves me. It hurt because I really was missing him, even though I knew he had lied to me. So we started talking again. And I was focused more than ever to work out my own problems as well as the ones we both had with the relationship - However, he told me that we didn't need to be in a relationship. That he wasn't ready because he didn't know if I could "Control my behavior" I guess that's fair? Whatever, it still didn't sit right because he kept telling me over and over that he would come back to me one day. We had been talking as friends off and on, and he made me feel like we could work on it again. But I asked him flat out if he had been seeing someone else or talking to someone else and he told me NO, he as not. I asked him if he didn't want to work things out with me because he was interested in someone else... again, told me no. I was still heartbroken and had very high anxiety because I still felt like he was lying about seeing someone. The reasons he gave for not wanting to work it out didn't make sense if we loved each other, we were a family and did everything together...

So I started driving by his house at night, when I happened to be out... and I noticed a car that had never been there before. This was about a week ago when I started noticing the car - it stuck out in my head the first time I saw it. Little red car with fuzzy dice on the mirror. So yesterday, I called him the morning to talk because I took a pregnancy test and it came up positive. He covered the phone up before he talked to me, for a good minute. I flat out asked him if that was her car, if he muffled the phone to tell her bye - He told me it WAS her car. that he had JUST started seeing her... and that car had been parked there for at least the last week over night. So he has still been lying to me, right? Everytime I ask him a flat out answer, he gets angry with me for even accusing him of lying. I called him a liar because that's what he is.

With him knowing what I was going through, the guilt of not being able to make it work... and for him to lie to my face, repeatedly about the same person that he started talking to a week after we broke up seems to tell me that he doesn't even care. That he did it on purpose to hurt me and that he probably never truly loved me in the first place. I know some people can move on quickly but if the person you're in love with wants to work it out with you and it's only been a week since you broke up, don't you think he wouldn't be lying to me about who he's talking to, how he knows that person, who she is and is still to this day lying to me about it how can I believe that he ever loved me to begin with?

It's very painful to go through this when you think you finally met the person you want to be with forever... and they turn out to be this way to you.

How can he not even care about what he's doing to me? Because he never cared in the first place, right?

[LisaUk]

Hi,

 

He cared. But only to the point where he was getting what he wanted, namely you chasing him, wanting him, attention. When you asked for space and he kept texting, instead of seeing your silence as getting space he saw it as you not showing him attention. That however, just goes to show you how imature he is. Can I ask how old you both are, how long you were together in total, not just living together? And are you pregnant?

 

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, I do think he cared for you and even loved you in an immature way, but this man (boy) is not grown up enough to appreciate what real love is or what it means to be in an adult relationship. I hate to tell you but there are plenty like it, male anf female of all ages. You don't need this person, you need and deserve to be with someone who will strive to keep your relationship healthy and to care for you and love you not based on what you can do for them, but b/c of who you are.

[chapter44]

Wow am I having some flashbacks right about now. My Ex Fiance was emailling her ex boyfriend every couple of months during our engagement. The first time she stated she just needed closure - well if your engaged to someone else I think that about closes it up. The second time was during this past Christmas Season and the third and final time was Monday. We like you had some issues - she was a fighter with cursing and name calling which I don't respond well to at all - usually just do a 180 and shut down which just incites her even more. She picked fights over stupid things and then 5 minutes later would drop it while I tend to hold on to things forever. We were living together for a year and half last week we had the same stupid fight so on Monday night at 7 pm she asks me not to come home because it would be easier for her - I ask her where do you want me to go because I have no family and all my friends are married w/ children - so I go to a hotel. I go into her email and there it is - she is planning to meet her ex for a drink - so needless to same I am very upset at this point couldn't sleep and my heart ached like I was going to die. So at 6:00 am I decide I am going to go home - I pull up and go in the side door and she is on the couch with a DIFFERENT guy. I knew right then and there the only thing to do was to leave. I couldn't understand how someone can say they love you one day and betray you like that the next. Being the rational person that I am I wanted this to make sense but now realize it never will. Some people are just that way and the only thing you can do is love and respect yourself enough to leave and take care of yourself. I loved her more than I ever have anyone in my life - she was my world and I did everything I could to express how I felt. It's been 5 days and although it hurts it was absolutely the right thing to do. So respect and love yourself and allow yourself time to grieve - rely on your friends and family for support and post here as much as you need to.