smitty92 Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 I've been with my boyfriend 4 and half years. we were long distance for awhile but now I live with him. I knew that if I were to have a strict hand on him and not let him go out with his friends, things would go downhill fast. so I have been pretty ok with him going out. I like having time to myself anyways. I feel though that I may have been too ok with it. because now he doesn't even care about the fact I want to hang out with him. for instance, this past week. he was out monday, wednesday, thurs., and friday and now today he is at his friends and he "doesn't know if he will be home for dinner" I'm really starting to get upset. I don't know what to do... I can go along with him to these peopel's houses but it is not fun to me to sit there and listen to these guys talk and watch them drink. no not at all. anyone have any advice? I just keep sitting here thinking about it.
2sunny Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 I've been with my boyfriend 4 and half years. we were long distance for awhile but now I live with him. I knew that if I were to have a strict hand on him and not let him go out with his friends, things would go downhill fast. so I have been pretty ok with him going out. I like having time to myself anyways. I feel though that I may have been too ok with it. because now he doesn't even care about the fact I want to hang out with him. for instance, this past week. he was out monday, wednesday, thurs., and friday and now today he is at his friends and he "doesn't know if he will be home for dinner" I'm really starting to get upset. I don't know what to do... I can go along with him to these peopel's houses but it is not fun to me to sit there and listen to these guys talk and watch them drink. no not at all. anyone have any advice? I just keep sitting here thinking about it. move out. he is showing with his actions that there are other priorities in his life than spending time with you. is that enough for you to be happy? if the answer is no - then move. find someone who wants to spend some time with you.
Full Moon Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Go out! Don't be home when he gets there. Let him wonder about your whereabouts. And when he calls don't answer the phone the first time. He expects you to be home, waiting up for him but don't be. Even if you have to take a trip to Wal-Mart, Barnes & Noble, or sit in your car around the corner just don't be home. Go out with your friends and have a good time, too. Next time he is over his friends house write on a post-it "You're dinner is in the 'fridge. See ya when I get back :-)" and stick it on the 'fridge. Or if you don't want to make dinner pick him up something on your way home (showing him you thought about him even while you were out having fun). So don't nag him. Continue playing it cool. Just switch up your routine on him and watch how fast his behavior changes.
make me believe Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Well, do you want him to spend time with you because you forced him to? He's showing his true priorities and unfortunately they don't include you. I would end this relationship. Full Moon's advice might work, but don't you want to be with a guy who spends time with you because he wants to, not because you've played games & pretended to be unavailable to him for awhile?
sally4sara Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Do you not like his friends or are you just never invited to hang out too? If you're never invited, I'd wonder if it is just his pals he is spending all this time with. Having your partner along won't make it impossible to just hang out with friends. Having your partner along can make it impossible to cat around with someone else. One of my old guy friends said it is easier to cheat on a partner you live with because you know where they are, where as a partner you don't live with might show up at the wrong time and place. As it sounds, you are an unlimited supply to him and so there is no urgency in hanging out with you. Get out of the house. Find new interests. Take a class or develop your own social circle. Maybe if he can no longer rely on you to be there waiting, he will feel more compelled to seek out your time. But the main issue here is do you see yourself being the way you want to be and getting what you need out of this relationship? If hanging with your own friends or taking a class are just not things you would normally want to do, doing so might change the way he treats you, but it also might not allow you to be who you are and do what you want to do. I'm a big fan of choosing relationships based on true compatibility. If you have to be someone you're not to create the feel of compatibility, it will only work in the short term and is the best indication I have found that you're with the wrong person.
Lauriebell82 Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 OP, do you have friends of your own to hang out with? You mentioned you like having alone time but you didn't specify whether or not YOU go out with friends at all. IMO I think that he may be spending a little too much time with his friends..but just speaking from experience your boyfriend probably isn't doing it to hurt you. He just figures that since you live together you see each other a lot anyway. But PLEASE don't move out. That's passive aggressive and this is definately a solvable problem. I think the two of you need to sit down and come up with a friends vs. couple time ratio. It's all about balance.
norajane Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 How are things between you when he actually is home? Does he go out with you at all? Does he treat you well? How is your sex life? How does he treat you when you are alone? Is he supportive of you? Does he show you through his actions that he is happy to be with you?
Lauriebell82 Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 How are things between you when he actually is home? Does he go out with you at all? Does he treat you well? How is your sex life? How does he treat you when you are alone? Is he supportive of you? Does he show you through his actions that he is happy to be with you? To add to the list, how about "What do you like to do together?" He may be spending time with his friends because they share his common interests (i.e. drinking beer/watching sports). So maybe if you suggested doing something together that will be fun for both of you, then it may reinforce him to continue to want to hang out with you and ditch his friends more often.
dazzle22 Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 You are falling way below 'bros' and 'beer' on his list of priorities, and that is never good. You definitely need to make him feel 'the lack of you'...
Lauriebell82 Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 You are falling way below 'bros' and 'beer' on his list of priorities, and that is never good. You definitely need to make him feel 'the lack of you'... That's passive agressive and manipulative though. I agree that she should find her own things to do, but she also needs to actually TALK to him about it (talk not nag) and get her feelings out. It's because she hasn't spoken up or said anything about it that he is probably just assuming she's fine with the situation.
dazzle22 Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Yes, she should definitely talk to him too. I guess my point is he is really taking her for granted and it's hard to believe he doesn't know that when he says things like 'he doesn't know if he'll be home for dinner.' It strikes me that he may be acting badly because he doesn't want to be the bad guy and is trying to get her to break up with him...
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