principessa Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 In short, I have been with my MM for 9 years. He wasn't married when we first met. We began as friends and it continued from there. We have separated more times than I care to count. The first time was when I found out he got another girl pregnant. We got back together after about 6 months because we couldn't stand to be apart. His son is now 6 then he married this woman three years ago. He told me that nothing would change between us even though he was getting married. He told me he loved me and we would always be together. He told me this on his wedding day. He called me the whole week he was gone. He is my best friend and I can't imagine life without him. We split last February until August. I missed him like crazy. So we have been together until the last week. I found out he now has a baby. She looks about 2 months ago. Which by my calculations means she was conceived when we were apart last year. It was heartbreaking. I was mad, upset so much so I could not think straight. I told him I was jealous and wanted a baby and was heartbroken it wasn't me. He let me be for a week then he contacted me again. Then when we made love he made me tell him that I wanted his baby. For me it was very hard to do because I cannot speak my true inner feelings. Its easier in a text. I was okay for a week, we spent the day together on Saturday but then Sunday came. I was feeling alone and starting thinking too much and told him it was over because all I did was think about him and his family. Again he left me alone all this week. He called this morning at 3 a.m. and we talked. He wanted to come over but was fighting the urge. He didn't end up coming over. He told me all he ever wanted was for me to be happy and if that I needed to tell him that it was over. I couldn't do it. I love him so much that I cannot imagine my life without him but I know I will never have him all to myself which is what I ultimately want. I just don't know what to do. I am heartbroken and at times I do not want to leave my house or talk to anyone. In fact when I was out getting a coffee this morning a homeless man asked for spare change. I politely said no and he told me not to be so sad and I started to cry. Pathetic. I am sorry for rambling but I am home trying to sort through all of these emotions and wishing things were different for us. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.
jennie-jennie Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 (((((principessa))))) Oh, that must be so hard for you. In the beginning of our relationship I sometimes had nightmares that my MM's wife was pregnant. Luckily we are both past the childbearing years. My heart goes out to you.
jennie-jennie Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 I am curious about you stating that the child was conceived during your split. Has your MM not been having sex continuously with his wife throughout the years? Do you think it was your split that led to their decision to get yet another child?
Author principessa Posted April 10, 2010 Author Posted April 10, 2010 JJ, I really don't know the answer to your question. I never asked whether he was having sex with his wife. I think the reason for the second child was because that was when she found out we were still having the affair and it all blew up last year. That was the second time she found out about us. The first time was about 5 years ago. I think it was a rescue the marriage baby in my opinion. You see I keep trying to walk away but he always comes back and I take him back because I miss him and love him. My life feel so much better with him. Aside from the fact my friends and family don't know I am still seeing him. They thought it was over 5 years ago and I haven't spoken to him since. I think this hurts so much because all I ever wanted was children and now that I am 40 I feel like I missed my chance.
jennie-jennie Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Principessa, now my heart is hurting even more for you. I have been in a relationship for 4 years with my MM, but I already had my children. That must be so hard for you. I understand exactly not being able to end the relationship. I too prefer my life with my MM in it. He has many times tried to end our relationship but never succeeded. The last time was last fall when we went No Contact for 6 days. All that happened was that the NC made our bond to each other stronger than ever.
jj33 Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 I am so sorry for your pain. It sounds like you have not quite come to the decision that Jen has come to (that you are happier with him in your life than not) but that you cant imagine life without it. I wish I had an answer for you. But dont beat yourself up about the split. You are only 40. If you were to meet someone else you could still have children tho I know meeting someone else is hte last thing on your mind right now. One thing. The reason you keep breaking up is because you want more. If I read your post correctly, you get to a point where hte situation upsets you so much that you cant take it anymore as much as you love him (been there still there). All I can say is that leaving does give you more of an opportunity to meet someone else and have children. He loves you, no question. But for some reason you two never got together, never married, even tho he was single. If you want that for yourself, you deserve the chance to find it. Could you give yourself more time, work through the pain and see what happens in say 9 months? Hes not going anywhere. You will miss him during that time but you wont have "lost" him. See how you feel then. THe pain is horrific I know that. But you dont want to look back in 10 years again and say what have I done, I was still young enough at 40 Big hugs jj
Author principessa Posted April 11, 2010 Author Posted April 11, 2010 Thanks for you reply JJ. I am still working through everything. He did call again twice yesterday. He was going to come and watch me play ball but he had his own practice so he called me when he was done. I think he is trying to figure out things in his own head too. Someone once told me that he is too afraid to be with me because he knows I would expect too much. The way we are he still has his freedom. I think I am just going to go day by day and see what happens. If he wants to be with me he will be. He always told me he just wants me to be happy. Its all up to me.
MizzBlue72 Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 40 is NOT too old to have a baby!! Chin up. I'm 37 - and have a 5 year old. You can do it. I do, and I am on my own. It will hurt, but you need to move past him. If you really want to have a child - have one. Find someone else honey. Breaking this off is probably the healthiest thing you can do for YOU. Think of YOU for now, and be happy. You can stay with the status quo - or make a change. YOU have the power. Good luck - PLEASE keep posting!!
norajane Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 In short, I have been with my MM for 9 years. He wasn't married when we first met. His son is now 6 then he married this woman three years ago. He always told me he just wants me to be happy. So you were together for 3 years before he had a baby with someone else. Was he cheating on you then? And you were together for 6 years before he got married. Why did he choose to marry the child's mother at that point instead of you? And now they have a second child. If he just wants you to be happy, why do all of his actions point the other way? If he wanted you to be happy, why did he take up with another woman and marry her when you have been there all along for him? Are you happy? Are you happy with the choices he has made? Are you happy with your choices? Do you believe staying with him will make you any happier than you are now?
Author principessa Posted April 11, 2010 Author Posted April 11, 2010 You have valid points. Yes 40 isn't too old to have a child but I don't want to be one of those old mothers at the park. I grew up having a young mother and it is the best thing. I can't imagine being 60 with a 20 year old. I have thought of all of the things you have said about leaving him and its my power to do so. Norajane, yes he had a baby when we were about 3 years into a relationship. At the beginning of our relationship he was living with his now wife. He told me they were just roommates. I believed her because I met her, went to his apartment and everything. Then three years later he had a baby with her. He told me he was drunk and it was an accident. He did ask to come and live with me (before I knew about the baby) and by the time I said yes he said he decided to stay put and I didn't know why. He told me later he had to stay for the sake of the baby because the mother didn't have any family. Her mother abandon her when she was young and her father raised her alone. He also said he had to think of his 11 year old son and what effect it would have on him bouncing from one woman to another. He was also afraid his ex wife would stop him from having any contact with his son if he moved in with another woman. Again I excepted his excuses. Then he went and married her. As for your questions. I am happy most of the time. Until I am left alone to think and question what I am doing and what kind of life he has. I get sad and depressed that no one knows we are together and I live this secret life of having a boyfriend but the rest of the world thinks I am single. I always wonder is he happy in his life and would he be with me if he was? I am beginning to question the truth about everything he says and analyze everything. I am not happy with any of the choices either of us has made. Maybe if I would have stood my ground and voiced what I wanted long ago it would be different but I did not do that. I was always afraid of losing him so I kept my mouth shut. As for will staying with him make me happier than I am now. I don't know. I don't have a crystal ball to tell the future and I can't go back and changed what I have done. All I can do is live in the moment and choose to be happy. Thanks to everyone for the replies. I am glad I found this forum because it is helping me to work out my inner turmoil because I have no one to talk to about this. My only friend that knew about us and our situation passed away last February and I have no one to talk to about this. She understood my love for him and never judged me about it. She always told me that you can't help who you love.
norajane Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 It sounds like you put his needs before your own. He doesn't return the favor, however. His needs, his wife's needs, his perception of his ex-wife's needs...all those come before you. Maybe, one day, you'll decide to put yourself and your needs first, because if you don't, no one else will.
Heather1 Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 That must be really hard! I have 2 teen boys, and as much as I love them to pieces, it's not the easiest thing to do either. You get so lost in being a Mom you forget you're even a sexual being. It's the whole "mom jeans" thing??? I didn't feel like myself until my oldest was around 15, it's all consuming. I used to think you bonded & sealed love for eachother by having kids. It's a romantic notion that a baby will make you bond even more with your lover....don't really think that's the case. Not like I wish I wasn't born, but my Dad was a serial cheater. I think my brother & I were reminders that she was stuck w/ my Dad. She's glad she had us now that we're adults (and yes, they divorced FINALLY!), but I don't think she had an easy time of it. If you want to have a baby, have one because you want to have a baby. Don't have one to be close to your lover! It won't work & it's not worth one or the other of you resenting having a baby.
Author principessa Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 Norajane, everything you said is valid and I have told myself the same thing. I think that is why I keep leaving him. It is because I realize he is selfish and its all about him. I know he loves me but not enough. Heather, I am not looking to have a child to make our love better. I just always dreamed my life would be having children and doing things with them. I have always been around lots of kids and enjoy being with them. I have my nieces now and it fills the void. I guess I always thought that is what you were supposed to do. Get married and have kids. My life is so different from any of my friends. I am single with no kids and do what I want when I want. Hockeyfan, yes the whole time I have been with him that has been the situation. Again, I was hoping and dreaming things would be different. Sometimes I think to myself and know the reason I am in this situation is because I am afraid of commitment myself. You see my father died when I was 16 and left my mother a widow at 36 with 4 children under 16. I vowed I would never let that happen to myself so I guess I made my statement true.
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