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[lax]

OK here goes. I've lurked for a while and am looking for a magic answer that I'm not going to find. I fell for my first love in my early 30's, she was in her last year of college and we were five hours apart but was moving to my city in the fall. Things were really great really fast. We had talk of all kinds of crazy things like a future together, etc. We never fought, spent a couple weeknds a month together, but she decided she wanted to break up around the holidays.

 

I have been a mess, can't get her off of my mind (seems she's on it everyday all day) expecially seeing this is my first love. I've reached out a few times and it has always been left that she would "never say never" etc...I really want to heal but am having a hard time giving up hope. I called yesterday to tell her how I still miss her etc (I know broke all the rules but this isn't a game to me) and was hoping for closure.

 

As much as it would hurt I was hoping she would say don't contact me anymore, I'm with someone else, or there is no way we can end up together. However, what I was told was I am enjoying being independent, want to finish school, get to my new city, start my career, form a group of friends, and start my new life. I was really hoping we could be friends. I can tell you I don't want to be with you now if that helps but I can't say never because who knows.

 

My dilemma is I keep struggling with the door being cracked open. I know there is nothing I can do to change her mind, but do I give up and not fight for something i want? Part of me says life is too short.

 

I also know I deserve much more and shouldnt be a "fallback" option. I haven't been able to get angry throughout this whole ordeal and am wondering if that is holding me back from healing?

 

I am scared of losing her altogether (especially seeing we will be working in the same building). I don't think I can hide my feelings (not good at that anyway) if we are friends but that is the only option I really have. Any inspirational ideas or words? This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever been through.

Edited April 10, 2010 by lax
My Story

[Ronni_W]

Hi lax.

I'm sorry that you're hurting.

 

Anger is said to be one of the stages of grieving, but not getting angry isn't what stops us from doing what we want to do. Our beliefs, thoughts, attitudes and perceptions are responsible for our success or failure in ANY endeavour.

As much as it would hurt I was hoping she would say don't contact me anymore,

My dilemma is I keep struggling with the door being cracked open.

For example, that comes across as your belief that your ex is the only one who has the power to firmly shut that door, or initiate/maintain no contact.

IOW, you're currently believing that YOU are powerless to stop contacting her and to seal that door closed...but that's just you bull****ting yourself; not empowering yourself and not taking 100% responsibility for your own actions and healing.

but do I give up and not fight for something i want? Part of me says life is too short.

Yes, life is too short. But. Too short for what? You've also got to ask yourself if staying on the (self-pitying) path you're on is not just gonna waste away more of your precious, too-short life.

 

And then you can start wondering about your own definitions of "giving up" versus "wisely cutting losses, and walking away with dignity and self-respect." Do you really want to spend your time, emotions and energy fighting futile battles in which the outcome that you want does not seem likely or realistic. Or is life too short to be doing that, perhaps?

 

I am scared of losing her altogether (especially seeing we will be working in the same building). I don't think I can hide my feelings (not good at that anyway) if we are friends but that is the only option I really have.

Faulty belief that we ever only have one option. You also have the choice of just treating her like any other person who happens to work in the same building as you. Be professional and dignified.

 

Faulty belief that you're necessarily still going to have these feelings when she starts working there. If you get serious about your healing, it ought not be the problem that you're now telling yourself it's going to be.

 

Faulty belief that you haven't already lost her altogether. She's keeping you on a string (because you're letting her) but that is a far cry from you "having" her in any meaningful way.

This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever been through.

Even so. It's time to start telling yourself something else; to start 'building' some new, more encouraging and self-affirming beliefs. Maybe, "It's going to start getting better." And after a while, "It is getting a little easier." And so on until you can say, "Whew! Thank God I got through all of that!"

 

YOU are in charge of your own beliefs and thoughts. Choose ones that will help you heal, and will increase your self-respect, self-confidence and self-esteem. Yes, it requires you to become aware of what you're thinking and to stop your crappy, self-defeating thoughts in their tracks. It takes commitment, determination and practice.

 

But life is too short to stay stuck and wallow in the muck in which you currently find yourself, yes? And it's nothing but muck of your own (mind's) making...you totally have the power to change it.

 

Best of luck.