Driving myself nuts...

[Fudgesicle]

I am a recently divorced 30 year old male. I am posting this thread because I'm driving myself completely nuts with thoughts of my new girlfriend cheating.

 

I was married for about 1,5 years to my ex-wife before finalizing our divorce. Troubles in our marriage started about 6 months after getting married and we separated after about a year together. After a lot of talking we both decided it was better to split up before we would start hating eachother. I had a long-distance relationship with my ex-wife for four years, lived together for three, the last of which we were married. My ex-wife was a very introvert person who didn;t have a lot of friends and she wasn't outgoing at all. With her, jealousy was never an issue, although, in retrospect, I do strongly suspect that she cheated on me with one of her female colleagues while we were still married.

 

While we were separated (no plans or hope of getting back together) I met my new grlfriend. She's a very out-going, extrovert, and fun-loving 19 year old girl and I love her to death. We spent the night at my new apartment after about two weeks and have been inseparable from that day. About a month later she moved in with me. Everything went extremely fast.

 

I let her know from the get go that I was separated and that my divorce wasn't yet finalized, but this didn't seem to bother her. She was quite jealous of my ex and everytime she called me or sent me a message (to take care of paperwork, pick up some of my **** from my old place, etc.) she would give me the evil eye. But, I have always been honest and transparent with her and even allowed her to go through my phone to check my calls and messages to give her piece of mind. After the divorce was finalized this wasn't an issue anymore and she even told her friends that I was such a great guy for not staying in contact with my ex-wife for her, even though it was quite aparent that my ex wanted to stay close friends with me.

 

Because she is so outgoing, she has a LOT of friends. She gets phonecalls 30 times a day from 30 different people, men and women alike. This was the complete opposite from my marriage. I don't know much about her past when it comes to relationships and she doesn't talk about it that much. Each time I want to inquire into past relationships, she usually changes the subject and calls me jealous and reassures me that she's not seeing anyone else. She has only told me about one boyfriend she had in the past who cheated on her. She's a soldier, so she kind off lives in a predominantly male world ad she's really friendly with all of her male colleagues I've met. This makes me somewhat uncomfortable, but alright, relationships should be built on trust, so I do my best to reassure myself that I truly am the only one for her.

 

Recently we went on a long-weekend holiday with another couple we know. While staying over, we met up with some friends she hadn't seen in a long while (she seems to know people everywhere and people everywhere seem to know her...) One of the guys was apparently a friend she hadn't seen in a long while and, in my eyes, she was especially close to him. Observing their behaviour, I tried to put jealous thoughts out of my head and reassure myself that I am the one she loves. But, I couldn't help seeing the way they treated eachother. When they were hugging, or walking arm in arm, they looked like long lost lovers... Then at some point she whispered something in his ear, he smiled at her and she ran a hand through his hair and down his back, like I would only expect someone to do with their girlfriend or boyfriend. At that point I talked to her separately, inquiered about the nature of their relationship (friends, exes, whatever..) and told her that I thought their bahavour was inappropriate, especially since I noticed she reated him clearly differently from all her other friends I had met. She assured me he was just a friend, that she only loved me, etc. etc. After that he backed off and kep his distance from her (she must have told him about our conversation) and she did the same.

 

There have been similar incidents with other friends and I'm not sure if I'm completely paranoid and driving myself muts for no good reason or that my feelings of jealousy are justified.

 

We have a wonderful relationship. Since haven't spent a day (or night) apart and our love-life is very active and fullfilling. I try to take care of her in every way I can and she does the same. Still, every time she talks on the phone with a guy I don't know in a friendly manner, or gets together with people she knows and acts a little friendlier towards a guy than others, my over-active imagination runs wild with thoughts of her cheating on me. I'm completely driving myself nuts qith this and I don't want to drive her away from me because of this, so most of the time I simply keep quiet.

 

I love her to death and the thoughts of losing her or her having sex with someone else are driving me crazy! Am I simply being an over-jealous, over protectiv, slightly paranoid boyfriend or do I have reason to worry?

 

PS sorry this post is so long... I just had to clear my mind.

[Sazerac]

Man, I'm sorry to say this, but I'm not sure your gf has the maturity you need in a relationship. If you were 40 and she were 29 it might be more workable, but you are speaking of a 19 y.o., probably fresh out of high school or no longer than a year. I doubt she has the depth of insight or experience to really understand your point of view on the relationship.

 

I'm not saying it can't work--it very well could and be a very productive relationship. But the two of you are going to need to be on the same track with where your goals for this relationship are going. Most teens nowadays treat relationships very casually and I know several that have multiple bed partners without thinking anything of it.

 

I would sit down with her if I were you, express my feelings and concerns (in a very non-judgmental manner and with a "me" viewpoint; i.e. "I feel very anxious when I see you so intimate with these other guys.") Perhaps if you were around her friends more on a social basis, many of your fears might be allayed, and you could express a desire to be more involved with her social life. At the very least, stake out your territory and make it very clear to the other guys that your gf is "off limits".

 

I wish you the best!

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would accept such disrespect and overt flirting from you? Judge people by their actions and not by their words. Her actions are speaking volumes.

[jnj express]

Hey fudge you are dealing with a 19 yr old---recently out of hi school, where i am sure sex was abundant for everyone----This girl probably has yet to sow her wild oats-----

 

If you are gonna be jealous, and worry about every little thing----and she will continue to be friendly and flirt with others----you had probably better check out of this relationship.

 

Believe me she has no clue about what a mature relationship is all about.

[AMM003]

Yeah buddy, I was in a similar situation. The woman I was dating had a large number(majority) of guy friends. It's a pre-existing condition that won't go away soon , at least. Add in that she is quite young and you are in for quite a roller coaster of emotions.

 

I can say when we went out, she did have some respect for me and did not take advances from other men. So walking arm in arm, running her hand thru a guy's hair, blah blah blah is really disrespectful IMO.

 

Let her go.........

[mark982]

fudge, she has a hissy, while you have to see your ex to tie up lose ends. but it's ok to act like she does in front of you. buddy drop the tenny bopper, and find a real woman.

[aerogurl87]

I agree with everyone else, this girl has boundary issues obviously. I mean really running her fingers through another guy's hair and down his back in front of you?!?!?! That's just plain disrespectful and if she sees nothing wrong with that, she's got some major issues. Find someone else please for your sanity.

[cooldudeinberlin]

the age gap is going to cause a lot of problems...

 

#1... you have already mentioned the biggest... your fears and insecurities....

 

she is new to having her own freedom and letting her spirit flow and explore... the first signs of you trying to bag in on that freedom, she will look at you more like her governing parents and lose whatever "older man syndrome" she saw with you in the first place.

 

a 17 to 24 year old GIRL is exploring herself, the world and many different emotional things... she wants to have fun, she wants to have fun with her friends, she wants to live a bit... what a 30 year old, recently married man wants and what a mid college coed wants are entirely different things at the stage in life.

 

jealousy and controlling is something she will cut loose fast.

[CarrieT]

Since [we] haven't spent a day (or night) apart and our love-life is very active and fullfilling. I try to take care of her in every way I can and she does the same.

 

I didn't even have to read the whole thing, but this jumped out at me. No relationship with this much 24/7 attachment is healthy and learning to separate yourselves a little might be a good thing.

[make me believe]

she is new to having her own freedom and letting her spirit flow and explore... the first signs of you trying to bag in on that freedom, she will look at you more like her governing parents and lose whatever "older man syndrome" she saw with you in the first place.

 

Exactly. This is what happens when a grown man gets involved with a teenager. She is 19!!! She has no interest in settling down, or giving up flirting & partying. I would say she's probably not straight up cheating on you (like fcking another guy), but she definitely has no boundaries with her male friends and isn't likely to establish them anytime soon. Might I suggest finding somebody your own age??