I feel alone and lost and in need of guidance.....

[blue1234]

Here goes.....

My husband and I have been married for 21 years. We married right after I turned 18 and was still a senior in H.S.. He's a hard worker and has been basically a good person. We have 18 and 20 year old daughters.

During our marriage we both have been unfaithful at one time or another.

He's 43 and I'm 39.

In August, I found out that he was seeing someone that he had met in a bar while I was at work. I ended up have an online/txting relationship as well. I had been feeling insignificant, uncared,for and it made me feel good for someone to make me feel like I mattered again. We decided to work on our marriage. He's not one to express his feelings much. I've stressed to him that it's important for me that if something is bothering him that we can talk about it and don't keep it bottled up. During this time, although I'm sure I could've done more, I would leave little notes on his pillow before I left for work and let him know I loved him. I had dinner ready when he came home from work. I found out last week that he has

still been talking to this woman (She is 50 years old). Things were very tense and I called him two nights ago on my way into work and he ended

up thinking he hung up the phone when he actually had turned the speakerphone on. He was having a conversation with our 18 yr old about the whole sorry mess and saying "I love her but I don't love her". I was upset that he was discussing this with her. He ended up leaving that night and going to the OW's house. He did not go to work the next day and came home in the middle of the day to shower and change and leave for her house again. Which seemed like a very blatent thing to do with us there and him saying that was his intentions. A few hours later my 18 yr old tried to call him and he had shut his phone off. Which made her feel like he was putting this woman over her. In any event, she ended up talking to her grandparents (his parents) and telling them everything. They are kind hearted, old fashioned and a little religious. His father woke me up calling me soon after and was very supportive and they are very upset by the situation. He ended up asking me if I had the OW's number because they couldn't get ahold of him and I hesitated but then thought "screw it" and gave it to him. I know that his mother ended up calling later and asking if he was there. The OW demanded to know who it was and my mother-in-law said "his mother." OW told her he wasn't there. (he said he was asleep at her house while her and her sister were at the store) ....So he came home from work last night. I had dinner ready. He was eating and I asked if he had talked to his parents. He said he had and they wanted to have a meeting with us tonight. My husband has been avoiding talking to them, obviously and is really not happy about this prospect. Later on, I asked him to give it another chance, a month and not talk to her at all during that time since he didn't give the last time a chance as he was still speaking to her. I said if she truly cares for you, she will wait during that time and you will know if she really does.

(her husband passed away this past May after 32 years of marriage)

 

I haven't been able to eat for the past 4 days. I work late shift so I don't

usually get much sleep but now I'm averageing about 3 hours a day. My mom remarried after my dad passed away and my stepfather died during this time and my daughters and I are flying next week to go to the memorial for 4 days. I almost don't wont to go. I'm afraid to leave with everything the way it is..

 

I truly love him and really do want to try and both of us committed in trying. I did tell him that we can't change what we've done in the past but we need to have a new mindset and remember what it was about each other that we fell in love with and go from there.

 

So, I suppose besides just getting this out. I'm wondering if the meeting

with his parents is a good idea. They both have good intentions but are

not happy with his decisions right now and he knows he will be getting a speech from his dad. He loves his parents very much but isn't listening to the people that love him these days.

 

Thanks for any advice you can give.

 

 

(I apologize if this sounds disjointed....I have so many thoughts running through my head)

[blue1234]

Does anyone have any advice they can give before this meeting with his parents occurs?

[Nomad1]

Sorry to hear about your pain Blue. What is different about your story is that you both have strayed in the past and both know it. So the feeling of betrayal is somewhat minimised. A good thing in my view. I don't think that your H's parents will have any impact on his decision. He is a grown man and you certainly don't want him to stay with you out of guilt. I know it is easy to say, but focus on you. Let him do what he pleases. There is not much else you can do.

 

Take care

[You Go Girl]

I'd make it clear that I didn't set my daughter up to reveal all to the grandparents.

Unless you did do that, then I'd confess to that too.

Honesty is the best policy right now.

I'd sit back and let him and his parents do their thing. This is like they are trying to raise a 40 year old, can't be done.

There is one thing I can think of that they could offer--and that is that a lifetime with someone is worth more than countless lifetimes split up with many. But that wisdom is quick through one ear and out the other when a person is in lust.

I'd have a talk with my daughter, that as much as she wants to sabotage his relationship with OW, she has to let him make his own decisions, mistakes and all, no matter how painful, just like she would like her father not to decide who she dates.

I suggest you ask your H what is stronger or more important--a lifetime of memories or lust. I'd let it go after that, let him think that through.

Since you've both strayed in the past, the normal rules don't apply. You both have some serious work to do to respect and care for each other monogamously again. My question to you and your H is: could you ever get back to cherishing monogamy like successful marriages do? That sense of loyalty?

[scatterd]

Im sorry for your pain I would go about your life as much as you can.Let him know if this continues your out.At one point this has to end.why live in pain all the time with the death and all you are having a double crisis it sounds like he is going to do what he wants,I am so sorry you hurt, Hugs Try time out find your self god bless you and your family.

[blue1234]

Thank you to everyone for your words.

 

His parents came and talked to us for about 2 hours. They didn't accuse or outwardly blame either one of us (they know we both are to blame) but just spoke alot about marriage and what that means, etc. They were very kind. I did apologize to my husband in front of both of them for the pain I have been responsible for. However, the entire time they spoke and were there he said nothing and stared straight ahead with his arms crossed. After they left, we did go to the store together and although it was very strained, it wasn't terrible.

 

Then came Sunday. It started off, again, strained and uncomfortable but he was still there. I began doing some cleaning upstairs because he was playing a video game and I thought I would give him some space. During this time he was drinking beer, which normally is okay. He had had quite a few by the time I was done and he said he was going out to the back porch to play his guitar. It was a really nice day out and I said maybe in awhile I would come out too. He said "nevermind." I asked if it was because I was coming out and he said "yes". I told him that was ok, I would take the dog for a walk and he could be by himself and I wouldn't bother him. I came back and he was still in the house and had drank even more. We were both 'pretending" to watch tv and finally he went upstairs. I thought he was going to bed, it was about 930pm and I knew he had to be up to go to work at 430am. He came downstairs fully dressed and I asked what he was doing. He said "leaving." I told him he didn't need to leave, it was late and he had been drinking and had to be up early.

He was having none of that. He did sit down and "drunk talk" to me for a little bit. The most I recall is him saying "I tell you I love you but I don't" and that he was in love with her. At one point he had a very mean look on his face and said "And don't EVEN Try to sleep with me." Even though he was drunk those words nearly killed me. He left and came back after an hour saying he had gotten something to eat and he went to bed. (I think he wanted to call her which was probably the case when he wanted to go outside to play guitar too)

 

Monday, he went to work and came home to get a couple changes of clothes. I assume he went to her place. She lives and hour away and his car is not dependable at all so it's possible he slept at his work which is less then a mile.

 

Tuesday, he came by because my daughter asked if he would bring some milk on his way home. He also said my tire was low and put air in it. Then he was ready to leave. I asked if he couldn't stay for a few more minutes and he said "I can't". I took his hands in mine and told him that he was always welcome home no questions asked. So he opened the door and yelled up the stairs "Bye" to our daughter. I told him to at least go upstairs and give her a hug. She asked him when he would be home again and he told her his phone was on if she needed to reach him. She responded "that's not what I asked you" . and she said he told her he would stay tomorrow night (I work nights).

 

All of his actions and the way he's treating me and the rest of the family is just very unlike him. I keep hearing it over and over from people saying it just doesn't sound like him.

 

It's just breaking my heart.

[Malandro]

What a heart breaking story Blue. I can only suspect this other woman is really appying the pressure to him, trying to force him into a decision he's either not comfortable with, or ready for. I think you're taking his hands in yours and telling him he's always welcome home is the one best thing you could have done. His mind is clouded, conflicted, and torn, but maybe that one act will resonate, eventually.

[blue1234]

Sigh. So I sent him a txt yesterday morning on his way to work and I was just getting off. I told him I didn't mean to be clinging but I ached for him

and missed him and asked if he would call me. He said he would. When he did it was an ok conversation. Not much was said.

 

He came over after work because our daughter had asked the day before when we would see him again. He planned on just staying the night (Again, I work nights). I tried to talk to him and gave him a hug, etc. Then he started drinking beer again and for awhile, we were having a pleasant conversation about things in general. Before I left for work I told him goodnight and that I loved him. I said "maybe you'll stay again tomorrow" and he said "Good luck with that." Ouch.

 

In any event, I talked to our daughter around 11p and asked if everything was ok and if he was asleep. She said he had left about an hour ago. She said she told him she wished he would stay (She was very worried about him leaving after drinking so much) and he told her he loved her and left.

I sent him a txt saying that that was a crappy thing to do to our daughter and he needs to get his head on a stop being a jerk to everyone. I told him "you're stuck in, I don't know what, but in 2 weeks you've went from a kind, sweet and gentle person to a cold, distant and lately mean spirited one. Which is not you. I'm not sure you're even aware of it"

 

I have to go by his work tomorrow to get money for a doctor's appt. I'm really dreading it.

[blue1234]

Wow, I just reread my thread when I was so lost and needing support. Thank you to everyone that responded. I had blocked out quite a few things and when I read back over my post it just brought it all up again, like a bad dream. So, Yes, he did divorce me which was final last December. He dragged me into another county which is an hour away to the courthouse. I hired an attorney who's mind was boggled that the now ex worked less than 1 mile away from our house to work and wouldn't see, support one of our daughters that lived with me. So, he filed a change of venue. When we went, He BROUGHT his 51 year old gf to the proceeding! Ouch again. I was in the courtroom with my lawyer and his and they both bad mouthed him (strange?) then they both went into the judge's chambers (whom I never saw)...My lawyer came out and asked if I wanted a change of venue or child support (My youngest was 19, I didn't even bother. No job, can't drive, not in school, etc). In any event, I asked my lawyer what he would do, he said "I would take the child support". $119 a week. I did. Sooo, fast forwarding to I had to move out of my home. Had to file burglary reports because he kept breaking in taking things not awarded to him, etc. My little daughter and I found a great house to rent, etc. and then she starts with her behavior (I'm sure which is from the divorce) Stealing constantly. Serious stealing to where it was hurting me financially. So the past February we got into a serious arguement. She asked me for money to see her then boyfriend. I said I didn't have it to give. The next day she said she had the money from her dad but he didn't want her to tell me. The problem? I had exactly $100 missing from my room-the exact amount that he gave her. I txtd him and said it was a very nice thing or him to do and I didn't understand why he wouldn't want me to know. weird! After that she came in to my bedroom and than barged in my bathroom screaming that I wasn't supposed to tell him, etc. I txtd him again and told him what was going on and his response was "So what if she did, that's what I pay you for". BIG WOW! I told him that I had that amount of money missing and the same response. That night after she broke the lock into my bedroom and stood at my bathroom kicking it calling me a "stuped fng btch" I opened the door and we got into an altercation. I asked "him" to come and get her and got the same line. He told her to call the police (Who, by the way, I work for) Soooo, to make a long story even longer I was arrested spent about 7 hours there while his lazy ass never bothered to come for her. had his parents who are in their 70's and live an hour away get her. So now our oldest daughter, who is 22, is pregnant, lives with me. He does not help her whatsoever but gives the younger one who has no diploma, no job, no car $200 a week and gives our oldest nothing. It's heartbreaking to me. I know I'm venting, just still hard