wana_b_js_girl Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 ive ben married over 10 yrs and my husband had affair with a girl last summer. she and i began talking after they broke up and now she is my best friend (for the past 6 months) and he doesnt know. can i get someones opinion on that one?
aerogurl87 Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Wait? What? Well if your husband finds out he might be happy, might even push for a threesome between you three.
bittersweet memories Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 ive ben married over 10 yrs and my husband had affair with a girl last summer. she and i began talking after they broke up and now she is my best friend (for the past 6 months) and he doesnt know. can i get someones opinion on that one? For the past 6 months huh? That is awfully quick to make her your best friend. Kinda wierd!
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 How can you be friends with the woman who screwed your husband? That is utterly disgusting!!! That isnt fair to you or your husband, what if she tries to screw him again. WTF are you thinking!?
Trimmer Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 How were you affected by his affair? Is it still something you are working through? Did you know her before the affair?
freestyle Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 I hate to be all doom-and-gloom here, but there's a possibility that she befriended you just to keep a foot in the door. And if you discuss your marital issues with her, there's a possibility that she's collecting information to use against you some day. For example, if you let her know that your H complains about you doing, or not doing (X,Y,& Z).........then she's gained that much more insight into what your H wants in a woman. Then, once she's armed with enough information, she presents herself to your H as the "woman of his dreams'........who would always do (X,Y,Z)but would never do (A,B,or C).....She'll exploit every vulnerability you admitted to. She'll know where all the cracks in the foundation are, and begin chiseling in those very spots. This is actually a fairly common tactic used by mate poachers of both genders. And it's contemptible, and low-down, IMO.I've read several stories about how the friend, cousin, or even sister of a BW, would listen to the BW complain about her marital issues..........then D-Day rolls around, and BAM!! Two betrayals for the price of one........ Twice the heartache. Twice the pain. And finding out that part of your support system was not really in your corner, at the very moment you need your support system the most, is devastating.It can do long-term damage to your ability to trust....anyone. Male or female. I almost had a similar experience. My SO had a long-standing female friend, who; the very first time I met her, pulled me to the side to "warn" me about what my SO "was really like...." She was saying everything she could think of to paint him in a negative light.......She was coming across as all buddy-buddy, "Oh, I'm trying to help you in the name of Sisterhood, yada yada........" Acting as if she was my new best friend. She was also trying real hard, a little too hard,to not only change my opinion of him, but to get me to complain about him. i.e. "Well, when you guys hang out, don't you always just do what he wants to do ?......"(Wink wink. Nudge nudge.....) My radar was screaming at me that something wasn't right, so I didn't give her any ammo, I held firm that I believed in our relationship, and made it clear to her (politely)that I wasn't going to be swayed by her opinions. Two months later I found out she'd been writing him very mushy notes, gushing about how "wonderful" he is. Completely contradicting the negative things she said to me about him..... I also found out she was friends with my SO's exgf. He said, "Well, I had a meltdown.It "got back to me that my ex said ..(X,Y,Z) about me, and it really ticked me off." I asked him, "How did it "get back" to you?.." He said.. "Oh, well, ***** told me...She tried to stay out of things for the most part, but she said she was really mad on my behalf, and thought I needed to know...." That's when the light bulb really came on for me. My SO's "friend" was still friends with his exgf, but anything the exgf said got back to my SO. She was playing both ends against the middle, and making herself out to be the loyal friend to both sides of the fence.(playing the hero) And she tried to create the same dynamic with me, the first time she ever even met me.I'm soooo glad my radar was working. I knew something was very, very, off. Two plus two was not adding up to four...... Why was this woman who was "just a friend" be sooo concerned about changing my opinion of my SO??? There was definitely an ulterior agenda. OP, I would advise you to open your eyes very wide, and proceed with caution. Especially if your H was the one who ended the affair with her. She would be the jilted, rejected former lover, who lost out to........YOU. Maybe she's still hung up on your H, and wants to win him back, by any means necessary. Or it's brought out the catty female competitive side of her , that can't stand to have lost to another woman. Next time you talk with her, try not to say anything about your marriage. If she keeps trying to steer the conversation that way, if she's too interested in what's going on with your H, that will indicate what her real agenda is. Please, be very,very careful, dear. Eyes open..............
Trimmer Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 It's not clear from your Original Post: does she know that you are aware of their affair, or are you playing this "undercover?"
Author wana_b_js_girl Posted April 10, 2010 Author Posted April 10, 2010 oh yes she knows i know about her. we do NOT discuss my husband at all. good or bad. its like he was never in the picture
Author wana_b_js_girl Posted April 10, 2010 Author Posted April 10, 2010 thank you so much! let me say that she does not want to hear anything about my husband at all. we dont discuss him. she actually is dating another guy and is having problems with him too. she talks to me about her boyfriend, work, life..never my husband. shes not very lucky in the guy dept. i think she takes whatever comes along that will like her. sorta sad cuz shes really sweet
Author wana_b_js_girl Posted April 10, 2010 Author Posted April 10, 2010 im devastated by it. cry everyday. even angry about it right now. yes im still working thru it. dont know if i will be able to overcome it. no i didnt know her till her # appeared on my cell bill and i caught her with my husband last september. she and i dont discuss him. she dont wanna hear it. i dont blame her
crazycatlady Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 thank you so much! let me say that she does not want to hear anything about my husband at all. we dont discuss him. she actually is dating another guy and is having problems with him too. she talks to me about her boyfriend, work, life..never my husband. shes not very lucky in the guy dept. i think she takes whatever comes along that will like her. sorta sad cuz shes really sweet LOL this sounds like something I would do. How is your marriage recovering from the affair?
Author wana_b_js_girl Posted April 10, 2010 Author Posted April 10, 2010 thank you for the reply..i needed that...
freestyle Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Were you and her friends before her affair with your H, or did you meet her after they were already involved? I'm still inclined to suspect her motives with you....... I don't see how she can look you in the face, after she's already participated in betraying you.........
crazycatlady Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 im devastated by it. cry everyday. even angry about it right now. yes im still working thru it. dont know if i will be able to overcome it. no i didnt know her till her # appeared on my cell bill and i caught her with my husband last september. she and i dont discuss him. she dont wanna hear it. i dont blame her Oops sorry missed this answer. Is being her friend keeping it in the forefront of your mind? Is it preventing you for forgiving him or even yourself (not that you have a reason to need to forgive yourself, but we women aren't always rational with our emotions).
freestyle Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Oh, and who ended their affair???did she dump him, or did he dump her?
Author wana_b_js_girl Posted April 10, 2010 Author Posted April 10, 2010 um i have good and bad days. she killed me with kindness. sweet sweet girl. alone in the world. life is against her everyway she turns then she fell prey to a married man who fed her a line to get a little. im angry today over it. dont know if well stay together or not. hes a wonderful loving friendly hard working kind sweet guy, but i struggle with what he did. i didnt plan on being her friend, but i felt sorry for her and 1 thing led to another & i just feel she needs someone on her side. she has alot of bad luck i guess u could say and makes alot of bad decisions. we dont discuss the affair or my marriage. we dont go there and i know she dont wanna hear about him. than k u for the reply. glad u would have done the same thing. most of my replies r negative and thats ok. after all i DID ASK for and opinion tiff
Art_Critic Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer.. She will always be your enemy while you are still married
Author wana_b_js_girl Posted April 10, 2010 Author Posted April 10, 2010 we became friends after he broke up with her october 10. and she feels like a loser and i dont want her to feel that way. she thinks bad of herself, thinks shes ugly and homely. she wont look at me. she looks around at things and down. she wanted love, so she gave sex. he wanted sex so he gave "love". shes a wonderful girl. we dont discuss my marriage of its issues.. thank you tiff
Author wana_b_js_girl Posted April 10, 2010 Author Posted April 10, 2010 man that comment was about awesome! thank you ill keep that in mind tiff
Author wana_b_js_girl Posted April 10, 2010 Author Posted April 10, 2010 we went to counseling. he broke up with her october 10 and never looked back neither did she and i can prove that. he DOES love me and is very regretful for his choices tiff
carhill Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 he doesnt knowWhy? Have you considered MC with H? <crossing posts> You have. How long and how did that go? That might be a great place to discuss your M and this new friendship. If you want to rebuild your M, transparency from both of you is critical. If not, then file for D and your new friend can support you in that process. Here's a key aspect. If you D and they got together later, how would you feel about that? Anyway, food for thought. Give MC a try (again). Good luck
crazycatlady Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 um i have good and bad days. she killed me with kindness. sweet sweet girl. alone in the world. life is against her everyway she turns then she fell prey to a married man who fed her a line to get a little. im angry today over it. dont know if well stay together or not. hes a wonderful loving friendly hard working kind sweet guy, but i struggle with what he did. i didnt plan on being her friend, but i felt sorry for her and 1 thing led to another & i just feel she needs someone on her side. she has alot of bad luck i guess u could say and makes alot of bad decisions. we dont discuss the affair or my marriage. we dont go there and i know she dont wanna hear about him. than k u for the reply. glad u would have done the same thing. most of my replies r negative and thats ok. after all i DID ASK for and opinion tiff You are confusing me with who each response is for. Most people call me CCL, if you can put that infront of responses for me then it would help me know. I'm very confused. I'm trying to keep things between me and my H's affair partner open - mainly due to the fact that its my sister. I want to talk but she's in denial and refusing to even talk. CCL
freestyle Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 You are confusing me with who each response is for. Most people call me CCL, if you can put that infront of responses for me then it would help me know. I'm very confused. I'm trying to keep things between me and my H's affair partner open - mainly due to the fact that its my sister. I want to talk but she's in denial and refusing to even talk. CCL CCL, I'm only quoting you to demonstrate how to quote a poster to the OP, since she's new here. (though, I was getting confused, too) OP, to respond to individual posters, click on the "quote" button in the bottom right hand corner of each post. Wait a moment, and the reply box containing that person's quote will appear. Hit enter a few times to leave a gap, then you can respond to that poster's reply. We're here to help you, OP....
MizzBlue72 Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Well, I have to hand it to you. I'm not sure I could befriend her. To know she slept with someone I love. Not sure who I would connect with more: The woman who was took in by the guy, or the guy who was confused at the time. How are you coping with this? Doesn't being close to you hurt your relationship with him? It would me. I would keep wondering to myself why he did it, and then probably being upset that he DID do it to her. But then again - everyone needs friends. Just make sure that she has YOUR best intentions in mind. Does she have an alterior motive? Even though HE broke it off with HER - does she want him back? I would think so - did she love him?
sally4sara Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 So you're there in her house, listening to her bemoan her life choices of late while she looks everywhere other than your face and refuses to even listen to the only real business there really is between the two of you? Awkward! You seem kind hearted, but ever heard the phrase "walking target"? I'm worried that is you. Is there no one who concerns themselves with your best interest on the day to day? This girl is not your friend let alone best friend if you can't even talk freely with her. So what are you getting out of this? Her inability to look you in the eyes maybe?
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