iwanttolive Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 I read an article to nip EA in the if u want to salvage ur marriage. What if the EA is a sign of unhappy marriage? The article says eveb if we end up with the OM or OW, the same pattern will be repeated. Is that true?
Author iwanttolive Posted April 10, 2010 Author Posted April 10, 2010 Maybe I shd add that I'm attracted to the OM because we have the same backgrounds like nationality, religion and business goal. No excuse just shedding more light
NoIDidn't Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 I read an article to nip EA in the if u want to salvage ur marriage. What if the EA is a sign of unhappy marriage? The article says eveb if we end up with the OM or OW, the same pattern will be repeated. Is that true? I wouldn't say its entirely true. But if a person has shown that when unhappy, they have an EA (cheat), when do they stop that pattern? It sounds like someone is thinking about leaving a M for the OM or OW, but is scared that history will repeat itself (it often does, but thats not always a foregone conclusion) when they again find themselves unhappy. Well, that would be the reason that the article recommends ending the EA to see if the marriage can be salvaged.
Hazyhead Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Wouldn't it be the case, then, that it's the person that needs salvaging not the marriage? Y'know, if it's a pattern of their own behaviour that whatever the relationship, marriage or OW/OM, they will repeat that behaviour when unhappy...
NoIDidn't Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Wouldn't it be the case, then, that it's the person that needs salvaging not the marriage? Y'know, if it's a pattern of their own behaviour that whatever the relationship, marriage or OW/OM, they will repeat that behaviour when unhappy... I agree. My M was troubled, but it was my H that was unhappy, my H, the person. The person needs to be focused on, before the M can truly be salvaged. But that's the same reason to end the EA. Its a bandaid, not a panacea.
MadMission Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 I read an article to nip EA in the if u want to salvage ur marriage. What if the EA is a sign of unhappy marriage? The article says eveb if we end up with the OM or OW, the same pattern will be repeated. Is that true? If you are engaged in an EA, then you are no longer fully invested in the M...so, yes, it may fail. But, it will likely fail becuase YOU are not 'present' in the M, have withdrawn, and have allowed yourself to be distracted away from your BS...allowing OM to fill your mind, thoughts, hopes, dreams, and heart. Your M...or your BS...likely don't have a chance...and cannot compete with the high, 'feel good' stolen moments of an EA. And, not because there is something 'wrong' with your BS/M....but because an EA does something for you which a real relationship with a real man in real life...cannot. Well, if an EA is a 'sign of an unhappy M,' by engaging in an EA, you made it go from bad to worse. You are sharing, being emotionally intimate, being emotionally available, communicating with, and giving yourself to OM...instead of your BS. The M will suffer. Which begins a cycle of you complaining about your BS and M, all the ways THEY are lacking... which you distort as justification for the EA. Poor you...stuck in an unhappy M...you deserve happiness....etc. Well, maybe if you poured as much of yourself...you mind, thoughts, heart, attention, interest, care, etc INTO your M...it wouldn't be so unhappy. Of course the pattern could repeat if you left your BS and transitioned the EA into a real relationship. The ego-stroking, feel-good, high of an EA cannot be sustained in a real relationship with a real man in real life. You WILL eventually settle into a more non-fantasy dynamic/routine...which is fine. Nothing wrong with that. But, it won't meet that need for excessive validation, etc, the way the EA did. So, you will likely be right back in that 'unhappy M' again. And, you may find yourself, once again, going outside your M to get your needs fed...when you meet that next guy you have that 'special connection' with...who understands you the way no one else does....who you can talk to about anything...etc, etc, etc. If you are in an 'unhappy M' and having an EA, you need to tell your BS what is going on. He is not a mind reader. If you want to salvage your M, be honest with him about what you are doing behind his back...and what is going on in your head. End the EA. Get into counceling. But, if your M is so unhappy that you just want out, then get out. Tell your BS you want a D. Have some dignity and self-respect... stop cheating...and be on the up and up about what is going on.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 What if the EA is a sign of unhappy marriage? Then you work individually and together to see if there is anything to salvage. If it is the marriage that isn't working, then either find a way to fix it or leave. If it is a problem with the individual who is engaging in the affair then it would behoove the person to work with an individual counselor to find out what it is that makes them want to cheat, and work that out. If the marriage is broken, then the next relationship may work out just fine. If the cheating person is broken, then that baggage will simply transfer from one partner to the next. Cheaters don't change when the partners change. Cheaters change when cheaters change, and they have to seriously want to in order to stop what makes them want to cheat in general.
BB07 Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Don't know about anyone else but I prefer reading complete words instead of text messages.
Passion4Life Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 I read an article to nip EA in the if u want to salvage ur marriage. What if the EA is a sign of unhappy marriage? The article says eveb if we end up with the OM or OW, the same pattern will be repeated. Is that true? well i agree it doesn't make any sense to end the EA & not the marriage if it is marriage that u feel unhappy about . About repeating the pattern I think weather u end up with OM or not , if u can cheat once u will do it again when u feel like doing it or u fall in love with another person .
MizzBlue72 Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Well, I think you need to look at the reason the EA started. More likely than not, your emotional needs were not being taken care of at home. Could be due to no commuication, or in my case, very limited communication and very guarded. I chose to open up to a complete stranger, who I connected with over many months. I can see how this can happen - I lived it and still do. Do I think that this pattern will repeat itself? No, I do not. IF you can isolate why the EA affair started in the first place. I believe choosing our partners wisely and keeping the walls down around our hearts and head is the best step. Telling our partners everything that we are thinking, and being with someone that is mature enough and open enough to handle that type of relationship and communication is key. It's when you start hiding things and leaving thigs out by ommission that I would start to worry. No - I think the EA pattern can be broken. I know now how to protect my heart and my thoughts. This is the only thing I really can manage - my actions, my emotions, and my reactions. One HUGE lesson I have learned is to not open up to a partner who is not available, or who is already taken. I do not regret the places I have been, and I will see to it that whatever and wherever my path leads, that I will not hurt another person in doing so - including myself.
Passion4Life Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Maybe I shd add that I'm attracted to the OM because we have the same backgrounds like nationality, religion and business goal. No excuse just shedding more light so is there anything you have in common with ur spouse except may be the roof ?
carhill Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 When someone has an emotional affair, or inappropriate emotional attachment, they are prioritizing the attachment of that part of themselves over their primary relationship. For their primary relationship, meaning their chosen committed marriage or partnership, to be healthy, it must be their priority; their Job #1. The only way that can happen is for the EA to end. People stay married and have affairs all the time. I did, for awhile. Very unhealthy. My priorities were out of whack. MC helped clarify that for me. If you want clarity, whether to stay M or to go with the OM, or simply be alone, IMO, MC will help with that.
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