DolceVenganza Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Yesterday was our 5 year anniversary. For most people at our ages, that would mean discussions of moving in together and possibly getting married, as I know that is high on her list of priorities. However for us it was anything but... I haven't seen her in 3 weeks, not since 'that day' we had to come to terms with where we were truly going with things. That day was compounded by the blinding realization I had to choose, 'be with her or she is going to a wedding with another guy, one who happens to really like her.' As I couldn't give her an answer about us and I'm tired of playing Bf/Gf with no direction of our future, I balked and committing out right to her. The last few years have been the widest swings between heaven and hell. --------------------------------------- It Starts... Our meeting was the best it possibly could have been. We were introduced by my cousin, as my gf lives in her neighborhood. I was 24 at the time, she was 20. I would come to know her over a year before we committed to each other out right. During that year I dated different girls, but found myself liking my gf more and more, so we made it official April 8, 2005, just 3 days after my grandmother had passed away. She was in town for the funeral. We were hot for each other. We enjoyed summer, sunny weather, happy hours, tv shows, going out to eat and family time. Despite not having anything specific in common, we would have a blast. Maybe it was the euphoria of the moment, but we didn't need plans to spend time together, and we spent ALOT of time together! A SnowBall Tumbles... About a year or so in, the little fights begin creeping up. The first one that comes to mind was regarding a night I had picked her up at her parents house around 8-9pm and we were going to visit some family about 30 minutes away. I remarked I would grab us a Pizza on the way to eat. She began telling me it was rude not to bring more food for my cousins and that if we didn't consider them, she wasn't going. While I respected her input and I was going to offer to bring more, I didn't feel it necessary to do so, as I was only picking up an item there. She freaked over what appeared to be nothing. That litle tiff resulted in our first break that lasted about a week or 2 during which I chased her to come back. I was hurt and pissed that she got worked up about the time we were going and the fact we weren't bringing more takeout, but who cares? I figured being that it was my family, she would trust me on what I was doing. Nope. In the middle... Smooshed between the battles were many great times. We stayed at Burlington, VT for the 4th of july, traveled all throughout New England, went to many DMB concerts, and always found time for the beach, camping or a lake, but it was never enough. Despite what I felt to be alot of things going, she was unhappy. There was always something, be it minor or major that would cause her to make into a major issue which resulted in much lost time and much lost love-building. Maybe I was to blame, I don't know. I think back everyday to the point I would get migraines and keep journals just so I could figure it out. And she thinks I was a jerk and often times when I've told the stories people think I am embellishing or painting pictures to make me seem important. I'm not. I genuinely loved this girl...or love. But I look back on 2007, 2008, and 2009 and I boldly remember our New Year's resolutions to each other people: "If we can't stop fighting like cats and dogs after January, we need to end this." But each New Year's, we made the same resolution, and unfortunately I uncovered logbooks I wrote to myself about little stupid fights, remarks through text messages or times we had little fights blown into big ones. The big ones were huge, though... Bombs Drop... The first truly hurtful moment was around 2006 when I went to her work XMAS party. It wasbout 50 minutes away from where we live and most people were renting hotel rooms so that they could drink more. This XMAS party was for her regional sales team (she is in sales) and they were celebrating a great year and the holidays. I opted to stay sober and drink very little so I could get us home safely. She chose to drink, because I was DD most times drinking was ever involved. Needless to say, her and her co-workers got very drunk, some to the point of sick. In spite of all that, we took the party to a bar and they kept going. That was when her Boss's Husband began making plays at my gf, as I am told. She claimed he was being awkward and grabbing at my girl's butt. I told her that she can either risk an awkward situation here if we deal with it or we can go. I also told her to stay away from them. She didn't really listen and was upset I wasn't 'taking action.' I was upset she had gotten to this drunken state around co-workers and was embarrassing me. I was alone. Rather than listen to me, she began dancing more with her boss and her boss's husband. It was a disgusting sight, all of them drunk and me and my gf having this undercover fight. When it was time to go home, she was enraged at me, although I should have been the one. She began having a verbal and physical fight with me while driving, grabbing at my arms and almost forcing us off the road. She had the audacity to throw a plate of food in my face while driving. Needless to say, we weren't hurt. And we didn't end it there. Maybe I was weak. Maybe I wrote it off to her being drunk. Maybe I'm leaving something out, although I don't instigate fights and if ever something occurs, I try to resolve it as best and fast as I can. Needless to say, we stayed together until 2010 and many more times situations like that occurred... The Closet... I have accumulated too large a memory bank of all the ills that have occurred between us. I have done her wrong, too, in spite of all this. Her claims that I haven't been as loving are true. I haven't. Maybe it was the fights and outbreaks that occurred early on that 'caused me to be done. I don't know. I do know at some point I stopped seeing her as this younger, cute, fun, bubbly, sweet, wifey-type and began seeing her as this high-maintenance, impossible to please, melodramatic and often crazy girlfriend. I can still remember back to 2006 when my buddy K lived nearby and I would talk to him endlessly about me and my gf. That was 4 years ago! And here I am, STILL doing it! I have to wonder if it's me, it's her, or we're just not meant to be?! It is hard because I look back at my birthdays, XMAS and even days like "Steak and BJ day" and she makes those moments unbelievable! No one could or will do it better. I found her one evening, knowing I was working alot, at my place in langerie cleaning it and with a bottle of my favorite liquor! She drove to Boston to be there for my dad's heart surgery and took the day off from work to be there, not for herself, but for me. And yet...there was the events of my best friend's wedding, that resulted in us actually being physically abusive toward each other. For no known reason, she became very angry that I was not giving her due attention at the wedding, even though I was a Groomsman and sober through it all. At one point, she was mad and melodramatic and grabbed my arms so hard she left black/blue marks on my biceps. It didn't hurt my arms, but it definitely hurt my mind and heart. When we got to the room, she did something similar, and it was at that point I snapped. I pushed her off me, as she had lunged onto me and I smacker her ass. I hated myself. I hated that a relationship could push me to such depths of frustration, self-hatred and depression... And yet I was wooed by the niceties...the gifts...the unbridaled sex...the cards...her sweetness when things are good...I just feel so damaged...and yet I know the next guy will see what package she is and maybe none of the things we have been through will happen to him and there goes happily ever after... And maybe it is me...and I somehow triggered or brought this on myself and there is a lesson to be learned here? For sure my tongue was sharp at times. I wasn't loving as she said. I could use loose or insulting words when I was upset over something between us. Times she needed me I told myself that she was 'making it up' just to get me to do what she wanted. And that part isn't all false, because I did find she would lie about being sick or hurt when she was alone just to get me to ditch a friend or drive over late at night. Such things killed me. I would ask myself...how can I place more trust in her when the trust I am giving her is being abused? And I'd ask...is this normal of a girl who is hurt? Is this behavior justifiable? Can I do anything to fix this? Toward the End... If you've read it this far, thank you for reading. It wasn't meant to be a sob story or to gain favor one way or the other, but to communicate how soul ripping this feels. 5 years sunk in, and at least 3 of them were pretty bad. I specifically remember monday morning drives to work after a night of fighting and feeling horrid. But then I will remember camping and remember her in a tube with a beer, smiling, tanning, and just being happy. Maybe I idealized her, because on those same trips she would get so vicious if we were not having sex that the sleep would be miserable. And during family times if I wasn't doting over her or I wasn't mingling with all of her family, she would not be entirely happy with me. I hate to speak ill of her, because I truly loved this girl. I was there for her college graduation, when she moved into her new condo, and her many job promotions. I have looked after her like a husband, doing her taxes, taking care of her car, being there in capacities even her dad does not know about. This was and is my longest relationship. I know I am young and have much to be thankful for and to have spent 3 years like this in a self-inflicted prison is nuts. But I can't help feel...lonely or empty. DV
Recommended Posts