pain

[sailer]

my story..met my wife in 1996..married in 2008..called one night said not coming home..arrived next day..said its over..met guy. background..of latino decent. oldest sibling..younger sister and two younger brothers. father a demon..adultery throughout..gambling, drugs, verbal and physical abuse of kids..non supportive..sister was beat by father with broomstick when younger because fathers friend made pass at her and she told mom who told father who beat her..my wife was married twice 18 and 21...said 18 to get out of house and 21 was because man gave her ultimadum..since then she put herself through school and built herself a career. very independent..always denied fathers actions had no effect on her..was her mothers fault for staying..older brother got woman pregant while in marines..never got married etc..got married again had two kids and getting divorced..wife addicted to presc pills and lives with her mother..kids are now disasters..younger brother still lives with mother..drinks all the time..has mariginal job as social worker..got arrested in college for drugs etc..my wife always drink wine..we moved in together in 2000 after dating for 4 years..three years later i bought a house and we moved into it..in 2007 she got upset that we were not married and threatened to move out..(looked a places to buy etc etc) since she was married twice and i observed her drinking daily..2-3 glasses of wine i suggested we seek a counselor to go over our lives as we moved to get married..she did not like idea but went anyhow..was very upset at first meeting..ie did not understand need for it etc etc..wanted to get married asap..counselor calmed her down and we set a timetable and continued to go and spoke about communication etc..she complained spending too much time with my family etc etc and being second fiddle to my mom etc. after not wanting kids she also at first meeting said she wishes to quit job and have kids..floored me and when i question said she i knew this all along etc and denied she said she did not want kids etc..before we got married i had a prenup drawn up because of the house and our huge difference in net worth..she did not like this but went along.she feared i would leave her whe she got old etc We got married and then she made preparations to have baby..i started a new job a year before we married 2007 which went completely sour and had huge ramifications for my net worth for this and previous employer stock holding..u can guess the industry..we delayed the baby because i lost job etc and she replied we can not wait etc because of her age etc etc..in mean time she becoming more concerned on her appearance..losing her, creams, weight gain(took alli and dexatrim) wrinkles etc etc..she pounded me with we need to get pregnant daily..i was a wreck from loss of job and possible loss of massive amount of my net worth..she did not seem to care about this when i told her of the issues..said we need to get pregnant etc etc. she seemed to calm in november etc..but said we need to go back to therapist about baby issue etc and even said you may have to be stay at home dad etc..also told me daily "get a job" which i told her bothered me..she claims her new relationship stared in mid dec..nothing really changed in last 6month we went on vacations/holidays travel family etc..never had any big fights etc..in october her father had stroke and they thought he would die..he recoved fully and in xmas asked her about baby etc..in second week of jan he had second and never recovered and passed in mid jan..jan 30 she told me and after her mother and sister tried to get her to go to counseling..we went but she said her mind was made up..got angry when confronted by family etc..moved out 3/1 limted contact..came over few times to pick up items..cries when we talk but says i was horrible to her constantly..blows my mind we were intimate till mid jan and even once after she told me of new man..this man was head of company she used to work for years ago and now is a consultant at her new place. i have been in counseling..it appears she is an alcoholic..always refused to discuss her drinks..i along with her mother sister beg her to get counceling for her life etc..says she will but has not..blames me for everything..when i question why she wanted to have a family etc..she says she thought that would our relationship etc etc but someone came into "her" life..she now lives in a small apartment by herself and sees the new man..she lived by herself after he second marriage when i met her..introverted and never got close to my friends wives or my sister in laws etc...i am devastated..i am being told not to have any contact with her..her mother calls me a lot..

[Doing it Since '78]

dude,

 

I got lost, your rambling, and giving the short version, plus the lack of paragraphs make it hard to read, any way to redo it with some breaks in between?

[unsureLP]

After reading your post, I think you know what the problem is: your wife has some emotional issues that are playing themselves out in your marriage. She doesn't know what she wants. She is hurt and lashing out at everything and avoiding looking at the source of the problem because it hurts so much. She's not going to be happy with this guy because the source of her unhappiness is coming from inside.

 

She needs counseling. She needs help.

 

I'm sorry but I don't know if there's anything you can do. If she keeps refusing, what can you do? It's all in her power but she has to see this for herself.

 

Welcome to LS.

[sailer]

After reading your post, I think you know what the problem is: your wife has some emotional issues that are playing themselves out in your marriage. She doesn't know what she wants. She is hurt and lashing out at everything and avoiding looking at the source of the problem because it hurts so much. She's not going to be happy with this guy because the source of her unhappiness is coming from inside.

 

She needs counseling. She needs help.

 

I'm sorry but I don't know if there's anything you can do. If she keeps refusing, what can you do? It's all in her power but she has to see this for herself.

 

Welcome to LS.

Yes in fact in the limited time we speak she continously blames me and starts crying..says i did not treat her well etc etc..also we have never had a real discussion about her drinking..she refuses to discuss..was like this before the marriage still remains.she belittled me sometimes after dinners or events after having too much..she has said that she is open to counseling but as we went shortly her relevation after but insisted her decision has been made and then said that "I" would never change etc citing normal marriage issues such as treating like a slave, excessive time with my family etc etc.She also does not like seeing me because she says she does not like to see me this way..she feel?.she has very little friends..one an alcoholic who has been married several times and is now jobless living with her parents and has REAL mental problems..on prescriptions drugs etc..the other is a recent friend older 48 who actually got her to move to her recent job as she worked there before..she is unmarried living alone..not exactly two happy older woman...i am sure they were given the story as i was the devil for years and years to her. last point her new guy is separated from his wife, has kids and has cheated on his wife..my wife told me this after i asked her..he has actually told her has not filed for divorce because of "money issues"..and my wife is actually a very intelligent woman..i have filed already shortly after she moved out..i asked her several times if this is what she wants..she seems to be in some infatuation stage and assumes all was horrible in our relation which is a complete lie..also the new therapist i a seeing said he probably fears death, never wanted kids, and her father dying has a major impact on her thought process..ie love/hate relationship with father(i swear she was abused my her father or grandfather..the constant three glasses of wine every night also does not help her perspective..i have stopped contact now and her sister and mother try but she says "i am fine" etc..she promised but still has not gotten to a therapist

[sailer]

been almost three weeks of NC no contact..she sent me an email on my birthday last week which i believe i received a better birthday wish from my local restaurant..i did not do anything for her birthday this week.anyhow her only real long term friend called my out of blue very upset because my wife shouted at her and hung up on her..also her friend interestly enough told me she did not want kids..anyhow days are still very hard..having dreams etc etc..received an email today from her asking me if i filed state taxes as well as fed..strange as i told her i would take care of all taxes a month ago and she knows we have a firm do taxes..

[sailer]

thank you for the comments. i am seeing a psychologist and it does help. Finding out a lot about my wife from her and her motivations etc ie horrible upbringing, alcoholism etc etc..this week she said your wife sounds like a massive manipulator and "street smart" and you were the victim..it hurt a great deal..we have after all been together for 14 years..still miss her daily and wondering what she is doing and how her life is with new guy..i am not back to work yet which is not helping to be along in house..i am trying..maintaining NC so far..in fact she just tried to call and i ignored call.

[sailer]

Hello all..was very hard not picking up the phone when she called but i guess i am glad i did though yesterday was a very hard day..seems stress brings it on..anyhow was reading about "affair fog" and oh my god that is my wife..ie "i was terrible to her", "someone came into my life that makes me feel good", crying when she sees me, trying validate what she has done to friends and family. she is very independent person because of past family issues and she really has lost it in my opinion. Affair fog seems to put one out of reality and that is what the priest as well as others have told me about her..

[sailer]

Hello all. This site has really helped me a lot. Anyhow almost a month of NC. Funny how her mother called last week and said "she tried to call you" and "she thinks she do not want to speak with her". My reply was simply i sent her an email and she replied she needed papers from the house..(i did not reply back to her response on email but simple put papers in mail).I also reminded her mother that she left me for another man. Still amazing to me that we were together for 14 years..married for 1.5 and she meets someone at work and leaves the house within 3 weeks..tough for me with her mother as her mother is distaught at her daughter and can not understand why she did this. Anyhow i still have very bad days thinking of her. i wish we were fighting etc instead of having a normal life up to when she did this. Lawyer meetings put more stress on my emotions. Psychologist helps a lot but the unknowns(what was going through her mind) still haunt me. I dread the fact that i may have to speak to her to close the divorce settlement. She stated she wanted nothing when she left but you know how that works. I am hoping the pain subsides one day. I still feel lost daily and in shock still.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

You have to learn to just let it go... One day she will likely realize her errors. It will likely be years from now, but by then you will be moved on to bigger and better things yourself and you will have no interest in being with her.

 

For now the pain is there and will be for a while. Work on improving yourself, it's all about you right now. Do what you can to focus elsewhere and minimize the pain. If you are down and depressed, she is winning. Do not allow her that.

 

How is your social life? What is your schedule like? I am not suggesting you hit the gym for hours a day, nor go club hopping. But how about some social time with friends - it could be male friends just for conversation or... Joining a gym and working out a few times a week? Church, library, YMCA, other family, etc...

 

Get your act together, continue therapy, and know with confidence that she is the one making the mistake, and as much as you want to go back to the way it was, the reality is your much better off without her...

[sailer]

thank you for the kind words of encouragement. As my story says i have been out of work for more than a year..even though finally things are ok that did cause me a great deal of pain and now this coming has put me over the edge..i do start a new job next week and i have lots of anxiety about starting a new job without my wife around to come home to..we have been together practically my whole career. the psychologist has help me(weekly sessions) but i have some many questions running through my mind..even the psychologist admist this is a strange one with a practically normal life up the end and her announcement. its been really march 1 since she left..she came a few times after to pick up things and i tried to talk to her but all she did was say i was bad to her and cried. I have remained NC now for over a month. As i said her mother calls about every two weeks and its hard speaking to her as she has been on my side the whole time and i have to tell her that she left me and there is nothing i can do. i also miss speaking to her sister and brother in law who did their best to get her to reconsider and get help. i find myself wanting to speak with them since its been almost three months. my wife told her mother that she tried to call(did once) and that i do not want to speak with her. it really sucks..i am living in the house and she in a small apartment near her job..no idea on new guy..kills me still that she started an affair with a married man(separated) with kids..and already gave her line on how he can not divorce because of money issues etc...

[sailer]

Well in early sept the divorce happened..i had to see her at court and could not believe she walked in and sat next to me and started patting me on the leg..i got up and walked away to another seat. did not speak to her the whole time..have not spoken to her for months..we go up before judge and she starts crying..judge had to get her tissues..we left together out of court and building and i did not speak to her..a few weeks ago i get an email from her about something minor and she tells me she wants to speak with me if I THINK I CAN. i ask in email "what do u want to talk about?" and she replies right back.."i do not want you to hate me. we are both responsible for what happened..would like to talk so that this does not happen again in our own lives again..i really do care how you are doing etc" i have not replied..seems she is still in denial towards what she did to me etc etc..i have no idea where the HATE things comes from..i never mentioned that before to her or to her mother etc..maybe its to get a rise out of me etc or response...i really still miss her every day. am still in shock to what happened in my life. i do not know if i should reply back or not. bit scared for me and what i perceive is happening to her..

[bestplayer]

Well in early sept the divorce happened..i had to see her at court and could not believe she walked in and sat next to me and started patting me on the leg..i got up and walked away to another seat. did not speak to her the whole time..have not spoken to her for months..we go up before judge and she starts crying..judge had to get her tissues..we left together out of court and building and i did not speak to her..a few weeks ago i get an email from her about something minor and she tells me she wants to speak with me if I THINK I CAN. i ask in email "what do u want to talk about?" and she replies right back.."i do not want you to hate me. we are both responsible for what happened..would like to talk so that this does not happen again in our own lives again..i really do care how you are doing etc" i have not replied..seems she is still in denial towards what she did to me etc etc..i have no idea where the HATE things comes from..i never mentioned that before to her or to her mother etc..maybe its to get a rise out of me etc or response...i really still miss her every day. am still in shock to what happened in my life. i do not know if i should reply back or not. bit scared for me and what i perceive is happening to her..

 

could it be like she's wondering if there is any chance of getting back together ? I think only she can tell . No harm in finding out .

 

Best of luck

[sailer]

thank for reply. i really have no idea..i just noticed she tried to call me 10/4..did not leave message..i guess around time she wanted to speak to me..everyone is telling me if i speak to her i will go back in time or lose everything i have accomplished in moving forward with my life. i can not believe that after everything she wants to speak to me about improving our lives so we both do not experience something like this in the future with other relationships.(not sure i am one needing help) i really have no idea other than she is feeling very guilty now after several months...things did not go how she believed they would and she wants some words to alleviate her guilty feelings. maybe that is where the HATE word come in...she must be thinking he must HATE me for what i did..and then saying at the same time we are both responsible..again not taking the blame and trying to justify her actions....the words"i really do care how u are doing" means to be that she is now scared that i really do not care about her anymore..she saw me in person 7months ago when i was a mess and kept asking her why? maybe now with me not that contacting her since then she feels that she is losing contact or CONTROL...the psychologist says talk to her if you really want to but choose my pain..meaning it will cost me emotionally...she has so many issues to deal with on her end and she never conforted them at all..(drinking, previous failed marriages, childhood, father dying etc etc)

[The-Zen-Warrior]

sailer :

 

 

I hate to sound rude or sound like I'm coming off as some sort of prude, but I'm going to say it anyways.............."Stay the heck away from this woman, keep to yourself, and go strict "no contact" with her."

 

This woman had her chance, she had her fleeting moments in the spot light with you by her side! Now after this time, she wants to hook up with you and maybe request another go at it!

 

Listen, is this person wanting to meet up with you as to tell you that she is sorry for what she did. Or is she wanting to do a quick check in, to make sure you don't hate her, as so she can walk away with the notion that maybe one day you guy's will be again.

 

I don't know, maybe I don't have a good feel for your situation, for the information you have provided is kind of "scattered"!

 

This is just my opinion, take it for what you will, but I wouldn't be messing around in any way shape or form with this woman, if nothing more than for your own protection. Sounds like your having a hard enough time with your own issues and problems, I think it best if you stay away from your ex-wife, for now, as so you can work on yourself.

 

This woman apparently has some "mental health" issues, if not from a defective brain, than from emotional scars left by some early childhood abuse. This woman from the sounds of it is a "maintenance drinker", a part of the tree that makes up alcoholism. Plus I would suspect that there also on top of the early childhood abuse, there could be an actual mental disorder know as "bipolar" or back in the late 80's to mid 90's they called the disorder "manic depressive". By her constant nags and demands and eagerness to have a child, than one day someone flips a switch and now she's "flip flopped" on that idea, sounds suspicious.

 

Trust me when I say, that I have nothing against anyone who has had previous marriages. But to me, I learned from many important people in my life, that when a person starts "racking up" marriages, that should be a good indicator that something may be wrong with that person. I have learned to ask the question of "why", to someone I meet, who may be in the running to be a love interest, I ask why? Why so many marriages, if that person only rambles on about how her ex-husbands were 100% to blame, and doesn't accept even a little blame herself........I'm out of there!

 

I'm sorry to hear that her Father passed away, I never like hearing about the passing of anyone. But don't get all "weaken kneed" about it and feel sorry for her and decide to let down your guard and let her back in. Death is apart of the "natural order" of life, it doesn't get a sympathy vote from me, to justify going back to someone I was once involved with. My ex-wife's Father passed away little over a year ago, does this mean I lower my guard, turn off my defenses, act like nothing ever happened, embrace her once again and plant a good one on her lips...........hell no!

 

I recommend that you stop being concerned about your now ex-wife so much, and start to concentrate on only you! If she goes to a psychologist or psychiatrist or individual therapist that's on her, not you. If she wants the help, one day she will "man up", ((I know shes a woman, but man up was the best I got)) and she get the help. If she doesn't think she needs it, regardless on what you or her family or your family and friends think, it's not on anyone of you, it's 100% on her!

 

I think it's time to move on, don't you think? You gave it your "best shot", you tried real hard to make things work. But in this case your best wasn't good enough, not your fault, you did your best, unfortunately your ex-wife didn't bring her best to the table. A marriage only truly works if both parties, "him" and "her" give it their all. Both parties need to give it 100%, as to then equal a even 50/50. You gave 100%, sounds like she gave somewhere in the ball park of maybe 30%, maybe 35%....who knows, the point is, "it takes two to dance"!

 

Now, I'm finished here, but before I go, I too am very curious to a question that forum member She's_NotInLove_w/Me asked you, this was the question.....

 

"How is your social life?"

 

She's_NotinLove_w/me had some good ideas......

 

"Joining a gym and working out a few times a week? Church, library, YMCA, other family, etc... "

 

Sounds like good ideas to me, for all I'm hearing from you is you rambling on & on & on about the divorce, your ex-wife.....yada....yada...yada.....enough with it! Get out there, quit thinking so hard and start to have fun with life. Go see a good movie, go take a nice walk through your local zoo, take a weekend vacation to somewhere you want to go, start reading good self help books, maybe investigate a cooking class at your local Jr. College, or better yet maybe you should try going out on a date!

 

Treat yourself right, eat well, drink a couple glasses of red wine each week for a healthier heart, get plenty of rest and sleep ect. ect. ect.

 

Remember, you are the only you that you will have for the rest of your life..................make the most of it!

Edited November 2, 2010 by The-Zen-Warrior

[tank]

what ZW said is sound advise. You have made it through the hardest part, over a month of NC and now the divorce is final. When she touched you on the leg, you moved! That should speak volumes to you. You didnt want her to even sit beside you let alone touch you. If you dont like the advise on here, at least listen to yourself. Your not ready to interact with her. When you are, you will be able to talk to her, if the conversation is good or bad, you will be able to handle it and move on with your life. If your not there yet then stay NC.

 

As far as missing your in-laws, well if that is such a big deal to you, go out with them. Just set ground rules, tell them what your ex wife did was done by her, and that you do not want to discuss the situation. If they are still interested in hanging out, they will. I am a big family guy, if you read my post you will see my MIL lives with me. I am surrounded by family, and my parents have raised me that if you become apart of our family, your there to stay. So i am in contact with all of my inlaws, not just for my children but for me.

 

You need to get out and have some fun. Start your day with a walk, go to the gym, anything to get the blood flowing. Then go to your new job with a positive attitude, you have the world ahead of you. Embrace it.

[sailer]

Big thanks to ZW and Tank for the words..yes all is true what you have said. I really do suspect some child abuse..her father was a demon..i did ask her and her mother as well. her mother claimed nothing that she knows..my wife pushed any thought of it aside..anyway i have been working out, do yoga 3x a week and getting out with friends and family..i am very lucky in that i have several friends and very close family to see whenever i like..i have been dating a woman but its a struggle as she knows i am not ready and not really into it..she is a bit older than me was divorced years ago..i have been completely open with her about my feelings and struggle and she has been very good and helpful encouraging me etc but i know she really wants more and i can not at this point. I am trying to stay strong but its so hard...the hard part for me is that its so predictable that her moves etc would prove to be a huge mistake..