saywhat Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 I am a little confused at this point. I am friends with a MM who is 20 years older than me. We are colleagues in a high stress, long hours organization. We began our friendship about a year ago, and now, not a day goes by when one of us does not hear from the other. I hear that in a lot of emotional affairs, the MM often complains about the wife and his life and the OW soothes him over. This is not what is happening here. MM has never said anything other than how beautiful and talented his "really hot amazing wife" is. And frankly, I don't smooth anything over...I'm an abrasive and direct person by nature who will very simply tell people to get their head out of whatever orafious their head happens to be in. There is no PA, I am not PA to him, nor him to me. We both just have a common interest and very screwy pasts where we talk to each other with no judgement. HE often makes comments that have me wondering about his feelings- I can't assume how he feels other than what he's saying. He has told me that he is "addicted to talking to me." He has never told me things like "Oh you're pretty," or tried to feed me stale lines. On my part, I look forward to talking to him every day. I also have other friends I communicate with on a daily basis. I am a little worried since I have noticed that the day doesn't feel quite the same if I haven't heard from him... Is this an EA?
CarrieT Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 The question you have to ask yourself is, "Does his wife know of your existence" and "would he ever introduce you to her" as a friend and invite you over for a BBQ with the family? If either answer is "No," than yes, you are having an emotional affair. If there is complete transparency and openness, than it is just a good friendship.
bittersweet memories Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 I am a little confused at this point. I am friends with a MM who is 20 years older than me. We are colleagues in a high stress, long hours organization. We began our friendship about a year ago, and now, not a day goes by when one of us does not hear from the other. I hear that in a lot of emotional affairs, the MM often complains about the wife and his life and the OW soothes him over. This is not what is happening here. MM has never said anything other than how beautiful and talented his "really hot amazing wife" is. And frankly, I don't smooth anything over...I'm an abrasive and direct person by nature who will very simply tell people to get their head out of whatever orafious their head happens to be in. There is no PA, I am not PA to him, nor him to me. We both just have a common interest and very screwy pasts where we talk to each other with no judgement. HE often makes comments that have me wondering about his feelings- I can't assume how he feels other than what he's saying. He has told me that he is "addicted to talking to me." He has never told me things like "Oh you're pretty," or tried to feed me stale lines. On my part, I look forward to talking to him every day. I also have other friends I communicate with on a daily basis. I am a little worried since I have noticed that the day doesn't feel quite the same if I haven't heard from him... Is this an EA? Good question.. i would like to know myself. I didn't even know emotional affairs existed till I came here. I thought affairs had to get physical in order to be considered an affair. Silly me!
BurriedAlive Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Hi SW... Your situation sounds a great deal like mine. You can read my previous posts. I am sure you will find a great deal of similarities. Anyway, I think that Carrie T is right. If W knows about you and he isn't keeping you a secret then this probably isn't an EA. I know many of the people here on LS will tell you to run and sometimes that advice can be a little extreme. I am not saying you don't have to be careful because one thing can lead to another awfully quickly, if you aren't. Are you sure you are not physically attracted to him? How do you know he isn't physically attracted to you? Does the thought of kissing him appeal to you or repulse you? Additionally, what do you think of meeting his wife? Do you think you could be friends?
dazzle22 Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 He's starting to put out feelers. That is what the 'I am getting addicted to talking to you' is all about. I highly doubt his wife would like this comment, so there you have it. The first baby step...
bittersweet memories Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 He's starting to put out feelers. That is what the 'I am getting addicted to talking to you' is all about. I highly doubt his wife would like this comment, so there you have it. The first baby step... Have you developed any feeling for him?
califnan Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Hi Saywhat.. I think even if his wife knows that the two of you communicate: To what extent of the friendship does she know about? .. Or another scenerio: The wife may have friends of the opposite sex as well .. So Saywhat, this is what I have learned: When you talk to a MM on a daily basis, and then look forward to it ... it Can lead to infatuation .. and then to love.. The reason why I think it can be the beginning of dangerous territory is because you may fall in love with him to the extent he may become an addiction to you - and the deeper you get into the relationship - the greater chance you will get hurt.. Meanwhile he (who will always say how much he loves his wife) feels he in the clear because of his love for his wife, and that he will consider you just his dear friend - while not telling his inner self the truth that he loves your attention.
BurriedAlive Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Hi Saywhat.. I think even if his wife knows that the two of you communicate: To what extent of the friendship does she know about? .. Or another scenerio: The wife may have friends of the opposite sex as well .. So Saywhat, this is what I have learned: When you talk to a MM on a daily basis, and then look forward to it ... it Can lead to infatuation .. and then to love.. The reason why I think it can be the beginning of dangerous territory is because you may fall in love with him to the extent he may become an addiction to you - and the deeper you get into the relationship - the greater chance you will get hurt.. Meanwhile he (who will always say how much he loves his wife) feels he in the clear because of his love for his wife, and that he will consider you just his dear friend - while not telling his inner self the truth that he loves your attention. Very good post, Califnan... If this guy is trying to lay his hooks in her (whether or not his intent is a PA or not), he is still getting off on this attention. I mean, why wouldn't he? She is 20 years younger. He is probably thinking "I still have it!" I can relate this to my situation as well....
Confused4Now Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Question is have you thought about how it would be making love to this guy? Are you attracted to him?
sally4sara Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 So far it just sounds like a friendship between two people who respect each other and value each others input. Only you can report how you handle the friendship is regards to your relationship. But you can't know for sure how open he is about the friendship with his wife. If you're really worried about it, invite him and his wife to dinner. His reaction to the idea of mixing the two of you should let you know what this friendship is to him.
jwi71 Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Is this an EA? Why make this hard with all the second guessing and wondering. The easy way (which I'm a huge fan of) would be to take the W to lunch.
sarkandlauren Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 The question you have to ask yourself is, "Does his wife know of your existence" and "would he ever introduce you to her" as a friend and invite you over for a BBQ with the family? If either answer is "No," than yes, you are having an emotional affair. If there is complete transparency and openness, than it is just a good friendship. This is not necessarily true.....my EA guy's SO know of my existence, but I am definately having an EA with him, we've even slept in the same bed cuddled all night (no sex).
Author saywhat Posted April 10, 2010 Author Posted April 10, 2010 Thanks for all the advice! To answer questions: I can't see myself being physical with him. I am not repulsed by him, he is alright looking, but I don't find him sexually attractive. Besides which, committed men are off limits. As for my feelings for him...I really like him as a friend and respect him a lot. I do look forward to talking to him. Sometimes I have issues that he is able to relate to that no one else can, and he is a great sounding board. Also, he uses me as a sounding board (I think) and sometimes, I want to hit him over the head. As for his wife, I really don't know what she knows. I have spoken to her on the phone when him and I were together on a job. That's the only communication we have had. I hear from him she wants to meet me, but the opportunity has not come up as both of us are very busy. It's not a matter of "Oh can I meet her?" "Some excuse" It's normally "Can I meet her?" "How about Tuesday?" "Shoot, I have this that day" Before the last month or so, our conversations were like "being one of the guys" For example, one time he told me about when he went to the bar and saw the bartender had the hugest boobs he'd ever seen. I laughed my butt off. Over the last month or so, things have felt different. Like the air was different. I don't really open up to him a whole lot, unless something is bothering me to the extreme, but in the last few weeks, he has been telling me things that I am not sure why I am being told. I am glad he is definitely telling someone (he has a very messy background, much like I do so I can relate-though I don't tell him much about it), but I often ask him if he tells his wife these things (he says he does). I mostly think it's "wierd" because I have never had a close male friend who I wasn't physically involved with, so this is all new territory for me. At the same time, this change in tone makes me very unsure about how to proceed. He has become a dear friend of mine.
whichwayisup Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 He is a dear friend of yours... DO NOT let yourself get too emotionally attached. Sometimes that just happens without knowing. You get used to talking to him daily, having a routine with him.. What's the longest you've gone without talking? Does he call you on weekends? Do you think about him while you're not at work? It's normally "Can I meet her?" "How about Tuesday?" "Shoot, I have this that day" He is still putting you off. If you truly want to meet his wife, then get her email address or just call her at home, make arrangements. If you are "just" a total platonic friend, then you calling their home shouldn't be a big deal at all. Offer to take them out to dinner, as a couple. Unless that makes you feel abit weird or uncomfortable? Though I have to say, since he's 20 years older than you, his wife 'might' have an issue with the friendship outside of work that doesn't involve her in some form once in a while. Anyway, this isn't about sex, it's about your own emotions and how close you are to him. If you don't talk to him or if he gets busy and doesn't contact you, do you worry he's angry at you or avoiding you? Or do you just see things as they are, he's just busy.
bittersweet memories Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 He is still putting you off. If you truly want to meet his wife, then get her email address or just call her at home, make arrangements. If you are "just" a total platonic friend, then you calling their home shouldn't be a big deal at all. Offer to take them out to dinner, as a couple. Unless that makes you feel abit weird or uncomfortable? Though I have to say, since he's 20 years older than you, his wife 'might' have an issue with the friendship outside of work that doesn't involve her in some form once in a while. Anyway, this isn't about sex, it's about your own emotions and how close you are to him. If you don't talk to him or if he gets busy and doesn't contact you, do you worry he's angry at you or avoiding you? Or do you just see things as they are, he's just busy. I don't agree with this at all..calling her is going way to far. She's his friend not hers. Im sure she will get that chance to meet the wife but don't push it. He sounds like a dear friend like a BFF nothing more.
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