Nowhere else to turn

[soheartbroken]

UPDATE

 

This time last year, I lived in a beautiful apartment, went to law school, had a healthy lifestyle, and, most importantly, had the most wonderful, supportive and caring partner by my side.

 

This morning I'm waking up in a cluttered room, after having slept on a single mattress on the floor. I slept for 12 hours and had no reason to get up. I have no furniture and no motivation. I've really strained/ruined my relationship with my mother.

 

I can't see things getting any better from here. I've realized that my anxiety is so bad, that I don't think I can be in a relationship again (if anyone ever wanted me, which has not been the case).

 

So, 9 months, and this is where I am. Things have just gotten worse and worse.

[Crusoe]

UPDATE

 

This time last year, I lived in a beautiful apartment, went to law school, had a healthy lifestyle, and, most importantly, had the most wonderful, supportive and caring partner by my side.

 

This morning I'm waking up in a cluttered room, after having slept on a single mattress on the floor. I slept for 12 hours and had no reason to get up. I have no furniture and no motivation. I've really strained/ruined my relationship with my mother.

 

I can't see things getting any better from here. I've realized that my anxiety is so bad, that I don't think I can be in a relationship again (if anyone ever wanted me, which has not been the case).

 

So, 9 months, and this is where I am. Things have just gotten worse and worse.

 

The thing to remember is that it is all temporary. This, the here and now, your life, how you feel, it is all temporary and it wont be like this in the future. What you once had you will have again.

 

Instead of looking back at "this time last year" try to picture a good "this time next year...". That picture is your destination. Whether you reach that destination doesn't matter, the goal, the dream, the chase, the journey, they carry you through the bad times. Usually you end up somehere just as good as where you once came from, but only if you stepped on for the ride.

Edited April 22, 2010 by Crusoe

[tojaz]

UPDATE

 

This time last year, I lived in a beautiful apartment, went to law school, had a healthy lifestyle, and, most importantly, had the most wonderful, supportive and caring partner by my side.

 

This morning I'm waking up in a cluttered room, after having slept on a single mattress on the floor. I slept for 12 hours and had no reason to get up. I have no furniture and no motivation. I've really strained/ruined my relationship with my mother.

 

I can't see things getting any better from here. I've realized that my anxiety is so bad, that I don't think I can be in a relationship again (if anyone ever wanted me, which has not been the case).

 

So, 9 months, and this is where I am. Things have just gotten worse and worse.

 

SHB, life is what you make it. We all fall into the trap of missing what we had, what could have been, etc. Those moments will happen but you have to decide what you want to do with them. You can let it set you back or use it to find the strength to move forward. Yes 9 months ago you were happy. Yes you were dealt a terrible injustice, hurt, and betrayed. You can stay in that dark place, or you can look for ways to get back to happy. If you look for the negative side of things, you surely will find it. The positive side works the same way, just takes more work and determination to find it. Keep your head up SHB! Were all pulling for you.

 

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

It just seems so backwards...you're supposed to move up in life, not down.

 

I am so f****** pathetic. I mean, I read the s*** that I write...no wonder people get sick of depressed people.

 

Why do I still long to be with her? I'm just going to shut up now.

[trippi1432]

It just seems so backwards...you're supposed to move up in life, not down.

 

I am so f****** pathetic. I mean, I read the s*** that I write...no wonder people get sick of depressed people.

 

Why do I still long to be with her? I'm just going to shut up now.

 

SHB - Change is constant, and that is what you have here. We are all in a constant flux of change. You haven't moved down in life, you have a change of scene for you...a place to rebuild from. Forget about the relationship with your mother for now, that is a bridge that can be crossed later because mom's will always be there when you are ready for them.

 

I know we haven't chatted very much on here, but I've watched your threads for a while. I would like to send you a PM if you will accept it.

 

Tojaz - will you vouch for me? (the workbook).

[tojaz]

It just seems so backwards...you're supposed to move up in life, not down.

 

I am so f****** pathetic. I mean, I read the s*** that I write...no wonder people get sick of depressed people.

 

Why do I still long to be with her? I'm just going to shut up now.

 

SHB wether this is a move up or a move down has yet to be decided SHB, all you have to know is that its a move. Which way it goes will become apparent when you decide which way you want it to go. That sounds very cliche and its hard to convince yourself of that. I still need it clubbed into my head most of the time, but its true.

 

SHB, you long for her because you love her. That doesn't just go away. You two built something together and its impossible for anyone to just flick it off like a switch. It isn't pathetic at all, as a matter of fact it takes a lot of strength to come here and share your hurt. To face it head on rather then hide in the shadows. This is a down swing to be sure, but never be ashamed of the things you write because that is what you felt when you wrote them.(and believe me if you could see the posts I write just to delete you wouldn't be alone)

 

Tojaz - will you vouch for me? (the workbook).

 

Absolutely! The book is called The journey from abandonment to healing. Havent gotten very far in it but some of the excercises have proved very helpful.

 

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

Journey from Abandonment was the first book I bought 9 months ago.

 

If anyone is familiar with it, I'm definitely stuck on the internalizing stage. Feeling inferior to my ex, blaming myself, low self-esteem, anger turned inwards, depression, etc.

 

I have never hit the "rage" stage, nevermind lifting.

 

I just don't know how to cope with the downward spiral my life has taken. I never used to have this huge anxiety problem, and now it's out in full force. If ever I were to be with someone, I would absolutely panic the moment she was late coming home. Or the instant she makes a new friend, I would panic that she would leave me for this new person. It's just an awful feeling to know that you're going to ruin anything that is to come.

[LisaUk]

Journey from Abandonment was the first book I bought 9 months ago.

 

If anyone is familiar with it, I'm definitely stuck on the internalizing stage. Feeling inferior to my ex, blaming myself, low self-esteem, anger turned inwards, depression, etc.

 

I have never hit the "rage" stage, nevermind lifting.

 

I just don't know how to cope with the downward spiral my life has taken. I never used to have this huge anxiety problem, and now it's out in full force. If ever I were to be with someone, I would absolutely panic the moment she was late coming home. Or the instant she makes a new friend, I would panic that she would leave me for this new person. It's just an awful feeling to know that you're going to ruin anything that is to come.

 

Hi SHB

 

I've been wondering how you are doing. so I am glad you posted.

 

First, you are still grieving and healing, when you are ready for a relationship with someone again the anxiety will have subsided more.

 

Second, the right person, the person who cares for you and loves you wil understand about what has happened to you and will make the building of trust easier for you. Trust must be built, it isn't a given and the right person will get that you may need a little more time b/c of the bad way your ex treated you.

 

Your life will get better SHB, did you apply for law school again? Plus, it is better in one way already, you aren't living with your moms H any more! You may be on a matress on the floor with no furniture (which I know is horrible for you, I'm not trying to minimize it) but you are out and away from him.

[soheartbroken]

Hi Lisa, thanks as always for your post.

 

I'm in a terrible state tonight. I worked until 8pm, ate a meal at a burger shop alone, and now I'm "home" alone in my cluttered room, sitting on my mattress, with the tv on in the background.

 

I'm so sick of reading my pathetic posts, but I have no one to talk to anymore. I know this sounds stupid, because I'm supposed to be a grown-up, but my mom has basically abandoned me, again. And I miss my ex now more than ever before. I thought about her all day today (as usual). I'm so hurt by what she has done. I want her to know how badly she has hurt me.

 

I'm getting very worried about myself. This doesn't sound like grieving to me. This is a life that is spiraling downward, possibly out of control.

 

I've tried being social. I don't even know if I want to try anymore, because it's becoming increasingly difficult to fake it.

[tojaz]

Hi Lisa, thanks as always for your post.

 

I'm in a terrible state tonight. I worked until 8pm, ate a meal at a burger shop alone, and now I'm "home" alone in my cluttered room, sitting on my mattress, with the tv on in the background.

 

I'm so sick of reading my pathetic posts, but I have no one to talk to anymore. I know this sounds stupid, because I'm supposed to be a grown-up, but my mom has basically abandoned me, again. And I miss my ex now more than ever before. I thought about her all day today (as usual). I'm so hurt by what she has done. I want her to know how badly she has hurt me.

 

I'm getting very worried about myself. This doesn't sound like grieving to me. This is a life that is spiraling downward, possibly out of control.

 

I've tried being social. I don't even know if I want to try anymore, because it's becoming increasingly difficult to fake it.

 

SHB it is grieving. That and isolation. Its very hard to be social after something like this. I was never a social person to begin with, and now its twice as bad. The moments you realize that though, is time to do something. Anything to free your mind. Be it LS or something else. Not expecting you to hit the bars and be the life of the party, but you cant just hide from the world forever. The longer you hide the harder it will be to get out. If your feeling alone, find someone to talk to, even if its just idle chit chat. It helps.

 

TOJAZ

[Gunny376]

I come from a generation where you just took what ever life throw ed at you, sucked it up and moved on.

 

That was before I WENT into the Marines.

 

My life had come down to working, going home, drinking, sleeping ~ getting up and doing it all over again.

 

I live in a small rural very traditionally Southern town that just happens to have very thriving and growing university with campuses worldwide.

 

The town that I live in? Is a very "cliquish" town. But one of the biggest cliches and the hardest to get into? Is if you were born, raised and lived here all of your life? People don't have a whole lot of use for you. Now do they want to have much to do with you. And the Southern Baptist believes here are off the wall.

 

Finally it got down to the wire and my boss called me in and told me to either get help or get to looking for another job. (He told me he would even keep me on the payroll as long as he could until I found one.)

 

Well being a retired 53 year old Marine living in rural Alabama during good times looking for a job isn't the easy thing to do? In this economy? Well even the local McDonald's has quit taking applications.

 

So I made an appointment with a psychologist here in town. He diagnosed me long term "medium range' depression anxiety, and alcohol abuse and a little PTSD thrown in for good measure.

 

He got me in to see my primary care physician and they got me on some

AD's and anxiety medication. I've been on it for about two weeks, and its made a difference. My whole attitude, perspective has changed.

 

I realize you in Canada ~ and there's some serious drag time. But SHB get in there and get the help that you need.

 

I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from co-workers, little things don't bother me as they once do, I'm not walking through life mad at the World and everyone in it. I'm smiling and laughing more, my mood is up-beat and up-lifted, my drinking has practically fallen off to zero.

 

I have to admit there were side affects for the first couple of weeks. Body aches and pains, hot and cold flashes, laying in bed one minute sweating, the next freezing, severe constipation.

 

As the doctors explained it to me? I underwent so much stress for so long that my body consumed any and all serotonin (the "feel good chemical your body/brain produces) and couldn't keep up with the stress. Which lead to depression/anxiety, which lead to self medicating with alcohol, (alcohol is to depression/anxiety what jet fuel is to a bonfire) and started a vicious cycle which once started is hard to get off of?

 

For me the first step is quit drinking, (which the anxiety drugs seriously helped with ~ or at the least the ones they have me on? My craving and desire for alcohol almost immediately dropped 98% as soon as I got on the meds. They've also helped in cutting back with smoking ~ BIG TIME!)

 

What I've got to do is completely get the alcohol out of my system and purge it from my body.

 

SHB how far are you out from seeing someone? The meds seriously helped this old warrior that's been dragging around dead horses for the last thirty years.

[LisaUk]

Hi Lisa, thanks as always for your post.

 

I'm in a terrible state tonight. I worked until 8pm, ate a meal at a burger shop alone, and now I'm "home" alone in my cluttered room, sitting on my mattress, with the tv on in the background.

 

I'm so sick of reading my pathetic posts, but I have no one to talk to anymore. I know this sounds stupid, because I'm supposed to be a grown-up, but my mom has basically abandoned me, again. And I miss my ex now more than ever before. I thought about her all day today (as usual). I'm so hurt by what she has done. I want her to know how badly she has hurt me.

 

I'm getting very worried about myself. This doesn't sound like grieving to me. This is a life that is spiraling downward, possibly out of control.

 

I've tried being social. I don't even know if I want to try anymore, because it's becoming increasingly difficult to fake it.

 

Hi SHB

 

It is grieving and isolation just like Tojaz said. I feel very much like you do a lot of the time (less so now, but that's because I am further on time scale than you, it's been 14 months nearly for me). I think if I didn't have so much study I would be expereincing the isolation, lonliness feelings that you are a lot more and probably thinking about my ex a lot more too.

 

Part of it is just time, cliche but true, it does get easier eventually, part of it is getting angry at the way he treated me when he left and part is being busy. I literally don't have time for anything other than study right now (and a quick check in on here in the evening or lunchtime like now) other than that all I do is revise (exams in two weeks), I literally do not have time to think about him, to think about my how rubblish my life is in terms of being 34 no home of my own, abusive mother etc etc.

 

That's not to say i don't still have my moments, I do. My point is what you are feeling is normal and you are working through it. My suggestion is to try and socialise more even if you don't feel like it or start your reading for school next semester and get a head start on it! Watch a dvd, read a good book anything to occupy your mind. Come on here and chat or read posts or do a crossword, whatever you need to do to occupy your mind.

[FeelingLonely98]

I'm in a terrible state tonight. / I'm so sick of reading my pathetic posts, but I have no one to talk to anymore. / I thought about her all day today (as usual). I'm so hurt by what she has done. I want her to know how badly she has hurt me. / I'm getting very worried about myself. This doesn't sound like grieving to me. This is a life that is spiraling downward, possibly out of control.

 

shb - I hope you are seeing a therapist - if not I highly recommend you try to get out and talk to one as soon as you can.

 

PEACE!

[soheartbroken]

Gunny: I appreciate your thoughts on medication, and I'm so happy that they're doing wonders for you. I've posted many times about my thoughts on medication, visits to my doctor, etc. I really don't want to be on them. I know they do work for some people, but it's not something I want for myself. They are a very last resort for me.

 

One doctor was pushing them for me (this was quite a few months ago), but on my most recent trip to another doctor, she didn't think I needed them.

 

FL98: I've been seeing a therapist almost since this started 9 months ago (I was actually seeing two for awhile). I guess it hasn't done much? I don't know.

 

Lisa: I hope you're right that this is normal, but I see much more progress from other people. I'm just predisposed to very negative thinking, and plagued by an over-active brain.

 

My life is just not where I want it to be right now, even outside of the breakup. I'm not in school, I'm not proud of my job or my lifestyle, I don't have a nice place to live, I'm having troubles with my mother, I'm in a new city, I'm single and not dating, and I've been very soundly rejected by my ex (not a word from her over 8 months). So ya, of course I'm depressed.

 

I just slog it through every day, hoping that given more time, things will get better, that something will happen.

 

Maybe this meditation class will help me, or maybe I'll get a new counselor and make some headway, or maybe someone amazing will ask me out, or maybe I'll meet my best friend, or maybe my ex will contact me, or maybe something on LS will really resonate with me and I'll have a new life philosophy, maybe I'll win the lottery...just waiting for something to happen. Like an epiphany that just makes everything better.

 

Hopefully school will be a good start. I'll be waiting a month or two to hear anything though.

[tojaz]

SHB, you concentrate so much at where your not and where you need to be in comparison to others. There is no comparison SHB, your the one experiencing it, feeling it, living it. There are so many different factors that go into a relationship and a break up that it is impossible to compare and its unfair to you and your healing process. It takes as long as it takes, theres no rush and no expectations.

 

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

SHB, you concentrate so much at where your not and where you need to be in comparison to others. There is no comparison SHB, your the one experiencing it, feeling it, living it. There are so many different factors that go into a relationship and a break up that it is impossible to compare and its unfair to you and your healing process. It takes as long as it takes, theres no rush and no expectations.

 

TOJAZ

 

 

Yes, you are right. I spend too much time comparing myself to others, dwelling on the past, and worrying about the future.

[Gunny376]

SHB!

 

I'm not giving up on you so damn it!

 

 

Don't give up on yourself!

 

Gunny!

 

There's one person in this world that cares about you, and that would be me! I don't know how you would feel about Alabama (You'd probally melt)

 

Guns!

[tojaz]

Yes, you are right. I spend too much time comparing myself to others, dwelling on the past, and worrying about the future.

 

Well SHB in the book, the very first lesson is "living in the moment" might be worth a second look.

[mikeymad]

SHB

 

I'm with you on being against medications, so the first thing we have to do is learn how to help ourselves. Personally, I find that learning about everyday things (philosophy, business, finance etc) all has an element that you can apply to interpersonal relationships. I think a big one that hit me is the circle of Beliefs--->Actions--->Results---->back to beliefs. In this circle most people start from the end and work backwards. They look at their results (in my case a divorce, living in a crappy apartment, few friends left etc, so similar to your situation) and they let that dictate their beliefs about themselves. Those negative beliefs make them take action (or in most cases INaction) to produce results that are congruent with their beliefs. For example in my case: Had a belief that I wasn't worth much to other people and I'd have a hard time meeting people. My action was I would either stay home, or stand against the wall, not talking to people with my arms crossed. When I would go home, I would be mad that "nobody talked to me" and I felt horrible about myself. That was my result, and it justified my belief, which became a vicious cycle.

 

When I took a look at what my beliefs were...what I was saying about myself and chose to make those beliefs change no matter the outcome/results, my results changed. I decided I was worth going to get to know, and dammit I'm a pretty good guy...it sounds like you are too. So I extended myself out of my comfort zone, talked to people, wasn't the wallflower. And lo and behold....people talked to me! I made friends! Girls looked at me! This didn't happen all the time, but if I hung on to that belief and didn't let one or two times of not having fun or making connections with people, the results would happen. It's the law of averages. I would suggest that the first thing you might want to do is take a look at what you're saying to yourself, and work on changing that. Make a list of 10 positive things to say about yourself (even if they're not true at the moment). The more detailed the better. Keep them on a 3x5 card, and read them throughout the day. The 2 most important times being right after you wake up and right before you sleep, because it is then you reprogram your subconscious brain that tells you these things.

 

Some thing it's hokey, but for a lot of people it's part of their routine to help them keep a level head. I googled this, but you will want to personalize them for your own situation... http://www.aplacefortheheart.co.uk/frame.php?sp=/affirmations/affirmationlist.htm

Edited April 30, 2010 by mikeymad