Nowhere else to turn

[soheartbroken]

I don't know that I can survive this.

 

9 months ago I had to move out of my place that I shared with my ex. I had to leave law school, and the city I had lived in for 7 years. I just couldn't function.

 

I moved home, to live with my mom, her husband (not my biological father), and my two half-brothers. Having my mother around almost literally saved my life. She left originally when I was 6 years old and we hadn't lived together since, until now, 20 years later. A lot of the issues I had with my ex, and the reason I took the breakup so harshly, had to do, I think, with my mom's departure many years ago. We have been trying to sort out our issues throughout my stay.

 

My step-father has been a huge issue. There is no point in going into details, but I have felt unwelcome almost from day one. He judges everything about me, hates the time I spend with my mom.

 

Well, things came to a head tonight. Again, no details necessary, but harsh things were said and I can't live here anymore. All the work my mom and I were putting into our relationship is kaput.

 

I have no one else to turn to. I have to move, again. I had plans to return to school and this has thrown everything up in the air. Two of the most important people in my life have abandoned me now in the past 9 months. My mom will choose her husband over me for the second time in my life. I don't know that I can ever stop resenting her for this. My older, biological brother, also had to move out years ago because the tension with my step-father was too great, and they almost came to blows.

 

It's just me now. I was almost suicidal over my breakup. I'm in so much shock right now (still shaking hours later, cannot sleep) that I don't know how I feel yet, but the thought of having no one to turn to anymore and being left by the two most important people in my life is....well, I don't know what it will do to me.

 

I can't handle this much on my plate. I'm not over my past relationship by a long shot, and now I'm losing my mom again.

 

My law applications to go back to school are due in three weeks. I just spent months trying to make connections in this city. I had a plan in mind, I just needed to survive 5 more months living with my mom's husband. Everything has gone to **** now.

 

I don't know how to cope or survive this. I'm not cut out for life on this planet. I'm too damaged. Yes, I am already seeing a therapist. No, a crisis helpline is not going to help me. No, I'm not going to kill myself anytime soon. It's not finding a place to live that will be a problem, it's having my only two meaningful relationships destroyed in the span of under a year.

 

Please, especially those who know me, what am I supposed to do?

[tojaz]

Ok SHB! First CALM DOWN!!!!!! Relax and look at the cute little bunnies for a sec. :bunny::bunny:

 

 

A little better? GOOD! Ok, your in a bad situation but take things one one at a time. So prioritize and let the rest wait.

 

Before first, I don't know how to cope or survive this. I'm not cut out for life on this planet. I'm too damaged. Get that thought right out oh your head!

 

First you need a place to live. Are you on the street or are they giving you time? What can you afford? What are your options? Is the situation with your mom truly beyond repair?

 

Second, School need to make the pressing decision to re enroll.

 

Let the rest wait. Our troubles while overwhelming at times are very much like a buffet, theres a lot there for you, but you decide how much goes on your plate and when. (Easier said then done, but its true) Check your PMs.

 

TOJAZ

[foamy2001]

I'm new here, but I just wanted to tell you to hang in there.... brighter days are ahead.

 

For me, school has been a Godsend. Not only does it give me something to focus on in the now, but it also gives me a long-term outlook on my situation. I keep telling myself that if I can just get my degree, I can move to anywhere in the country....

 

Try to focus on the positive. I know that is a cliche and probably induces eye rolls or anger considering what you are going through, but things will get better.

[LisaUk]

SHB, take a deep breath and try to calm down, I know it's hard you know my situation at home, but you have to try and think this through rationally. So first practicalities. What were your plans when you went back to school? Were you moving out or planning on living there or only until school starts? Second, is what happened with your step-dad beyond repair (and what I mean by that is even if it is not fixable as such, is it appeasable ie can you appease him enough to keep living in the house until school starts?)

 

Focus only on the practical side for now, all the other emotional aspects of this we can help you talk through once you have a living sitaution in place. I know how it feels, when my mum threatend to trhow me out, although my dad disagreed with her he still wouldn't stand up to her, that made me feel very betrayed, I guess we just have to accept that there are some people in this world incapable of seeing past there own selfish wants. I have a friend at uni whose mother sided with her step father after she told her he had been sexually abusing her for years, she ended up homeless and the street at age 15. She is now 22 years old and doing law with me, she still speaks to her mother occasionally, I keep telling her "why bother, she is a disgrace" but hey it's her mum not that easy to turn off the desire to be loved by your own mum no matter what they have done to you. I know, my mum is SO abusive to me sometimes, but I still love her and want her to love me. We can't control anyone else SHB, they will do as they want, but it is not a reflection on you, it's their issues.

[soheartbroken]

I think I have to move out ASAP. That is my number one priority. I cannot live in a house where I am too anxious to use the bathroom lest I run into "him". There is too much tension. It was already unbearable but now it is intolerable. My mom is not kicking me out, but I will not live in a situation like this anymore. He makes it clear everyday that I am unwelcome.

 

The thing with my mom: she is not necessarily "siding" with him, it's just that I am the one that has to leave her life, not him.

 

I am very sad because I will have to leave my two younger (half-)brothers as well. I don't think they know anything really about what's going on, and this will be out of the blue. They are at the age though now where they will start to realize that their father does not like their older sister and brother (like I said, my older biological brother also had to move out in his last year of highschool because there was too much tension with "him").

 

Will write more soon.

[You Go Girl]

Is there any possibility of getting enough money together to get a place in the city where the uni is?

Then you would be in place now, instead of 5 months from now, to get back emotionally into that life. You might also find a job in that city that you could keep part-time once you restart school? You could develop connections, and friendships during this 5 months also. Who knows what opportunities might arise.

[soheartbroken]

Is there any possibility of getting enough money together to get a place in the city where the uni is?

Then you would be in place now, instead of 5 months from now, to get back emotionally into that life. You might also find a job in that city that you could keep part-time once you restart school? You could develop connections, and friendships during this 5 months also. Who knows what opportunities might arise.

 

Thanks for the suggestion. I am already in the city where the university is...well, the university is in a suburban area, and I work in the urban city.

 

So I want to find an area downtown close to work for the next five months, and then my plan was to move out to the campus in the suburbs when school starts. This is assuming that this particular law school accepts me.

 

It's about an hour commute between the suburbs where the law school is and the downtown area where I currently live and work.

 

My plan is still to move out ASAP.

[skydiveaddict]

My God I feel horrible for you. You don't deserve this treatment. I wish there was something I could do to help you. If you were up for joining the military they would put you through law school for free. plus housing etc... maybe consider it.

[soheartbroken]

My God I feel horrible for you. You don't deserve this treatment. I wish there was something I could do to help you. If you were up for joining the military they would put you through law school for free. plus housing etc... maybe consider it.

 

Thank you for this. I know that I am not completely blameless in the situation - anytime you crash at someone's place for a long time tempers can flare. But, nonetheless, the situation is no longer tolerable. He is not my father, and he cannot speak to me like that.

 

Tonight will be my last night at home. Tomorrow I pack my necessaries and stay temporarily at my brother's until I find a more permanent home.

 

Have to finish law school applications too. Wish both things weren't happening at once.

[skydiveaddict]

hang tough I know you will make it through

[FeelingLonely98]

Tonight will be my last night at home. Tomorrow I pack my necessaries and stay temporarily at my brother's until I find a more permanent home.

 

Have to finish law school applications too. Wish both things weren't happening at once.

 

SHB: GREAT that you can stay your Brothers for a while. Maybe there are some students at your school that are looking for a roomie?

 

You absolutely MUST continue your schooling. That is your key to getting control of your life. You will find a new love - someone who deserves you. It will happen one day. But for now, just focus on YOU. Find a small place where you are comfortable and can study.

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this ... From experience I can tell you that better days are ahead of you - You helped me in the past so I know you are a strong woman. You can do this - we are here to help you!

 

Keep posting ... let us know how you are doing!

 

PEACE!

[Gunny376]

You live your life one second, one minute, one hour at a time!

 

One day! One week! One month at a time!

 

Keep posting!

[soheartbroken]

Thanks everyone. I'm out of the house now. Packed up three bags and left this afternoon. Tonight I will be alone until my brother and his fiancee return on Sunday.

 

Having this forum to come to means the world to me right now.

 

To clarify: law school doesn't start until September, and that's if a school will accept me as a transfer student (I've already done one year). Generally, only a few transfer students are accepted every year, as opposed to hundreds of first year students. Even though my grades are excellent, the limited spots means there is no guarantee.

 

I just need a place until September to buy me some time. Come September I will likely move again to be close to whatever school accepts me.

 

I think I am still in shock over all this. I'm barely thinking about my ex because this family/moving situation is front and centre in my life. But I worry that reality will come crashing in very soon. Thank god I still have my job to give me some stability.

 

I have a place lined up to view tomorrow. Will keep posting.

[tojaz]

SHB, You might not have noticed, due to the panic and hurt your feeling, but you have handled this crisis incredibly well! A very scary post and then shy of 48 hours later, while still obviously worried, all your ducks are in a row, you have a battle plan! GOOD FOR YOU GIRL! It may be a small victory, but going through this, we take what we can get. Keep us posted SHB!

 

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

SHB, You might not have noticed, due to the panic and hurt your feeling, but you have handled this crisis incredibly well! A very scary post and then shy of 48 hours later, while still obviously worried, all your ducks are in a row, you have a battle plan! GOOD FOR YOU GIRL! It may be a small victory, but going through this, we take what we can get. Keep us posted SHB!

 

TOJAZ

 

Thanks, Tojaz. Like I said, I think the shock/denial is saving me right now, energizing me to find shelter. The true test will be once things settle down and I am truly on my own.

 

Unlike most posters in the S&D forum, I did not have to go through all the lonely nights on my own, because I moved home. Well, I'll be joining the ranks soon.

 

Glad to have a couple of you for support on this Saturday night alone.

[soheartbroken]

On a positive note:

 

I've joined a summer (ice) hockey team, and a softball team. I also start a meditation/cognitive behavioural therapy course in a couple weeks.

 

I won't know anyone on the hockey team, but maybe I'll meet some new people. On the down-side, I won't have access to a car anymore, so playing hockey will involve some creative use of public transportation.

[tojaz]

Give yourself some credit SHB. You were still able to function in the eyes of adversity. Many of us would have frozen in the headlights. Sure, just like any of us, your going to have your down time, and your going to have your backslides, but when it counted, when you needed it, your inner strength came shining through. You said at the begining of this thread that you didn't think you could survive this. Well you have just proven to me that you can and will. I just hope you proved that to yourself.

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

On a positive note:

 

I've joined a summer (ice) hockey team, and a softball team. I also start a meditation/cognitive behavioural therapy course in a couple weeks.

 

I won't know anyone on the hockey team, but maybe I'll meet some new people. On the down-side, I won't have access to a car anymore, so playing hockey will involve some creative use of public transportation.

 

You canadians and your hockey. Good for you SHB! The more you take on the better. Tried my hand at gardening this week. We'll see how it goes, but it sure looks like A man did it. LOL

[lacebridal]

SBH, wow...you are an inspiration! You do have your ducks all lined up. You have a job, you're looking into getting your own place, you're securing your future by trying to get back into law school. You have even joined a summer ice hockey team and a softball team. Oh, I forgot to mention, you're starting a course in a few weeks - You Go Girl!!!

 

Again, you are my inspiration! Keep plowing ahead - don't look back; everything will fall into place and work itself out!

[tojaz]

SBH, wow...you are an inspiration! You do have your ducks all lined up. You have a job, you're looking into getting your own place, you're securing your future by trying to get back into law school. You have even joined a summer ice hockey team and a softball team. Oh, I forgot to mention, you're starting a course in a few weeks - You Go Girl!!!

 

Again, you are my inspiration! Keep plowing ahead - don't look back; everything will fall into place and work itself out!

 

See Told ya so!!!! :p:p

[soheartbroken]

Give yourself some credit SHB. You were still able to function in the eyes of adversity. Many of us would have frozen in the headlights. Sure, just like any of us, your going to have your down time, and your going to have your backslides, but when it counted, when you needed it, your inner strength came shining through. You said at the begining of this thread that you didn't think you could survive this. Well you have just proven to me that you can and will. I just hope you proved that to yourself.

 

TOJAZ

 

You just never give up on me do you? I hope you aren't wearing yourself out trying to keep up with my roller coaster ride.

 

SBH, wow...you are an inspiration! You do have your ducks all lined up. You have a job, you're looking into getting your own place, you're securing your future by trying to get back into law school. You have even joined a summer ice hockey team and a softball team. Oh, I forgot to mention, you're starting a course in a few weeks - You Go Girl!!!

 

Again, you are my inspiration! Keep plowing ahead - don't look back; everything will fall into place and work itself out!

 

Thank you. This means a lot to me. Somehow, in my own mind, I can't see that I've done anything particularly inspirational. I'm a mess most of the time (just ask Tojaz). But I suppose I am pushing ahead, ever so stubbornly.

[soheartbroken]

You canadians and your hockey.

 

LOL.

 

I have to lengthen this post to ten characters...but "LOL" is all I wanted to say.

[tojaz]

You just never give up on me do you? I hope you aren't wearing yourself out trying to keep up with my roller coaster ride.

 

Me give up? NEVER! I'm not getting worn out at all, and your only one of a handful of roller coasters I'm riding. Including my own. Keep it coming SHB I'm gonna squeeze a smile out of you if it kills me.

 

 

 

Thank you. This means a lot to me. Somehow, in my own mind, I can't see that I've done anything particularly inspirational. I'm a mess most of the time (just ask Tojaz). But I suppose I am pushing ahead, ever so stubbornly.

 

Dont ask me, I think your doing just fine.

 

LOL.

 

I have to lengthen this post to ten characters...but "LOL" is all I wanted to say.

 

A laugh? Possibly a smile? VICTORY IS MINE! :laugh:

 

TOJAZ

[FeelingLonely98]

SBH, wow...you are an inspiration! You do have your ducks all lined up. You have a job, you're looking into getting your own place, you're securing your future by trying to get back into law school. You have even joined a summer ice hockey team and a softball team. Oh, I forgot to mention, you're starting a course in a few weeks - You Go Girl!!!

 

Again, you are my inspiration! Keep plowing ahead - don't look back; everything will fall into place and work itself out!

 

See Told ya so!!!! :p:p

 

SHB: I was thinking the SAME thing reading your posts since the last time I read them. WOW, I wish I was able to function like you last year.

 

That being said, however, I do caution - and this is just an opinion - I caution you not to move your emotions along too fast. I think there needs to be a grieving stage that will slowly diminish. And don't forget that ANGER stage too! I don't know - I could be wrong. Just don't want you to do that roller coaster thing.

 

PEACE!

[soheartbroken]

SHB: I was thinking the SAME thing reading your posts since the last time I read them. WOW, I wish I was able to function like you last year.

 

That being said, however, I do caution - and this is just an opinion - I caution you not to move your emotions along too fast. I think there needs to be a grieving stage that will slowly diminish. And don't forget that ANGER stage too! I don't know - I could be wrong. Just don't want you to do that roller coaster thing.

 

PEACE!

 

Hi FL98. Thanks for your post and PM. I don't think you have to worry about me moving my emotions along too fast. Been 9 months since the split, and I still struggle with it. I'm definitely still grieving, still in therapy, and not pushing anything under the rug.

 

And, like I said, I might seem resilient right now, but this whole moving business has happened so fast that I haven't had time to fully digest it. Once things have settled down I'm sure my emotions will be back in full force (emotions about losing a home yet again, and emotions surrounding the breakup).

 

Thanks again for the support.

 

Also: I haven't heard back from any other renter that I have contacted. So I only have one placed lined up to see so far