Why did he shut down after we discussed having children?

[wien7777]

Perhaps this isn't the right thread, but hopefully you lot have some much-appreciated insight for me.

 

 

I'm in a serious, long-term relationship with my (wonderful) boyfriend, and we recently started discussing the topic of children and parenthood in general.

He's been doing more of the talking because of my ..tactfulness to keep the conversation focused on his ideas/opinions/wishes, etc.

It turns out that he really does want to ultimately parent, but only if I were his partner in starting a family. (We aren't really 'children people' hence my surprise when he admitted this). He talked about how pregnant women are beautiful (which I am hesitant to believe), how happy it would make him and how lovely it would be that kind of life together.

[Note: However, he repeatedly stressed that he knows that doesn't seem to what I want, but that he would still be happy sharing a life with just me.]

 

Personally, I'm very.. hesitant. Pregnancy alone changes many things, and I don't want to risk losing any physical or emotional intimacy with my partner. Essentially, the only 'pro' I can think of to the whole ordeal is just that I know he really would make an outstanding father.

 

The problem occurred when somehow, I also got wrapped up in the moment and discussions over the past week or so and (in hindsight) edged on the considerations and the conversations overall-- "how would you feel if this happened.." and even though I said "hypothetically" in about just every second sentence, I admit that I definitely didn't outright dismiss the things he said with a straightforward "I'm sorry, I don't want that", but instead somehow turned every thoughtful pro he listed into something of a con, and continued the conversation.

Today I sensed that something was bothering him while we were talking about it, and finally as I was finishing a sentence, he finished it for me by (almost sarcastically/dejectedly) saying ,.."hypothetically..". And when I asked what the matter was, he said "Forget it, it's alright.", "I get it.", and that kind of thing.

 

...Did I insult him somehow? I don't understand- I never said anything that could be interpreted as criticism for him, but yes, I didn't exactly give the impression that I thought it would all be anything but an unpleasant change.

[giotto]

well, he now wants children, you don't and he is pissed off! Not surprisingly... but this is not the point... you shouldn't have children just because he would be a "wonderful father". Do you really want any? If you have doubts, don't. Children do change your life, you are not the centre of attention anymore. Children have needs, constant needs. The dynamics in your relationship will change. So, don't have them if you only do it to please him. Children are human beings, not toys...

[Trojan John]

Essentially, the only 'pro' I can think of to the whole ordeal is just that I know he really would make an outstanding father.

 

... but instead somehow turned every thoughtful pro he listed into something of a con, and continued the conversation.

 

From my perspective, he sees your only pro as not being good enough, and you making everything else a con as a rejection of him. He probably wants you to use your heart more on this topic. The desire to have children has to come from the heart, while the care for children, how it affects your body and finances is a cerebral thing.

 

Cheers