If only she knew...

[justafool_400]

It can be summed up by saying a beautiful connection and close relationship of 3 years ended about 6 months ago. It was more or less her decision to end it due to issues that caused arguments that got us away from the magic of our initial bond. Commitment issues on my part that at the time I didn’t think I had, but realize now I did as I am kind of a go with the flow personality, living situation (we live an hour apart and she wanted it to be closer), overanalysis of our relationship (too much talk not enough action) and schedules were the driving forces to the end.

 

I have done my very best to respect her decision by moving forward and only stumbling a few times with very limited contact.

 

Ironically though, with the changes that have been happening, the very things that drove our split have now vanished... the schedules, our living distance, etc. But most of all, it is me who has changed as I have come to realize so many of the mistakes I made in the relationship. And I know exactly what I want out of life... and that is to marry this girl, take care of her, provide for her happiness, grow old with her, and throughout to show unconditional love I failed to be assertive enough with before.

 

But I realize it can't be my way with a few words said and poof it all changes. It solely rests with her. I realize the reality of her desire to break it off and her desire to move forward without me. But what kills my heart is this desire is based on so many things that are now so different. And the nagging urge to break down the wall of our low/no contact and explain some of these things seems to creep further and further into my head.

 

I guess my question is, what if anything can i do without disrespecting the decision she made? Or will I now be forever pigeon holed into being something that can never work and thus any attempt will be looked at in a resentful way?

Edited April 9, 2010 by justafool_400
spelling

[newyork82]

So in other words u want her back? Was was ur post breakup period like?

[The Non-Student]

The question is, is she ready to make changes, too? It can't be just you. It has to be a mutual decision.

[justafool_400]

Yeah, sorry I am new to this thing... yes more or less I just want my sweetheart back.

 

I totally understand it can't just be me. It does have to be mutual... there is no sense in trying to play the convincing game to get someone back. But the fact is the very issues that drove us apart are now so different and wonder if it is somehow worth trying to tell her some of these things... and then feel comfortrable knowing that at least all the cards are out on the table.

 

The post break up started out poorly on my part in that I did make some efforts to try to agrue her decision for the first couple of weeks. I quickly learned that this was a mistake, sent her an e-mail explaining my mistake and wish to respect her decision and since then have contacted her just a few times in real basic ways with friendly but short replies that indeed show she is just being polite in responding.

 

I thought by contacting her every now and then and staying in touch that we might be able to slowly start building a friendship so at least we could start doing things together again. This has been met with pretty cold resistance as I think contacts I make are pretty much looked at as a barrier to moving on. She wants no contact so that we both can "move forward". So now I am stuck wanting to respect this decision as I care so much for her well being, and do not want to be resented, but knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I want to marry this girl and if I only had one chance to explain some things it might allow this to change for both of our happiness... at least it would allow me to fullfill my selfish needs and go forward without wondering what if.

Edited April 9, 2010 by justafool_400

[sweethearttx]

Well...your situation sounds very similar to mine. Except my ex-boyfriend is you, and I am your ex-girlfriend. His behavior has been very similar to yours, and my behavior has been very similar to your ex's. I think our situation is almost identical. Except that we were together for less time and have been broken up for a year and a half.

 

It's hard to say how she will react. I know my ex has been trying to balance the line between respecting what I want (leave me alone I want to move on), and still making himself a presence (i.e. not forgotten). And still trying to show me the changes he has made. I don't know how many times I have yelled at him to leave me alone lol! But if I look back, he eventually got to where he did...until I somehow initiated some contact again.

 

It is only within the last month that I have really invited him back into my life, after a year and a half of me wanting my space and to move on, and him trying to respect it but wanting me back. Before, I would only politely respond to his calls/texts and I would just go on with my day. It's different now.

 

I guess it depends on how she feels about you. For me, I have always had a hope that he would make the changes you describe. And that the external factors that caused the break-up would go away. But he would claim he changed, and I wouldn't see it. It took me SEEING it to actually open the door to communication and possible reconciliation.

 

And also...I have never loved anyone like I loved this man. I was married years ago, and I never loved my husband like that. But my ex-boyfriend just couldn't meet my needs at the time, and he had some things within himself he had to fix, and also there were too many external pressures that messed up our relationship. Timing was off, he needed to do some maturing, and he needed to work on some personal growth.

 

I guess you are fortunate in that you see your issues within 6 months. It took my ex a year to finally examine himself, and 6 more months to finally admit to himself that he did have some things he needed to fix. And letting go of his pride and stubbornness and make some changes was very hard, but he's started to do it.

 

So I would say...be cautious. SHOW her how you are different. For instance...a common argument between my ex and I was that he would often forget to reply to my messages or emails. He would get too busy, then just forget. I would feel hurt and forgotten, and I would start thinking he didn't care. He would get angry and say I was impatient, that I didn't give him enough time.

 

The root of the matter was...it wasn't about how long it took him to reply, it was that I couldn't TRUST him to reply. So if time went by, and I didn't hear back, I would start getting upset. It was a nasty cycle. What does he do now? He always responds. Without fail. I didn't notice at first, but after a while I did. And now I have trust there that I didn't have before, and if he doesn't respond for 4 hours it's ok. I know he will respond. This is one of many changes I see in him now. VISIBLE changes, not just claims of changes.

 

Anyway hope this helps, keep us posted on what happens. I am new to this forum because I am considering giving this another chance w/ my ex, and I'm just trying to gauge other people's experiences.

[justafool_400]

Sweethearttx:

Thank you so much for that response. That really gives me some valuable perspective. It does sound like you are were in a very similar situation but on the other side.

 

Yeah, it's amazing how much growth and reflection one can have when the realization sets in of losing something so special and meaningful to him. I keep thinking the pain will start to numb a bit as more and more time goes by. But it only seems to be intensifying I think due to how things have developed.

 

Things have moved forward with me.. but it is the very nature of the things I have moved forward with that create this dull pain that rests in my stomach each day wishing I just had one more chance as I am now at a place where I think we both can go forward being very happy together.

You mentioned, "show her how you are different". I guess that is the problem in that I don't know how to show her without it backfiring. I guess my question is, what caused your feeling to change from ignoring and being frustrated with his attempts of contact to then "seeing it" and opening the door to reconcile?

 

I feel like I may have lost any last hope for telling her/showing her these things as I have actually taken the stance of complete no contact for the last 3 weeks or so as this seems to be what everyone professes. But with every day that goes by, I simply feel a little more like this will now go forward without there ever again being the opportunity to show how much things have changed.

 

Thanks again for your response and your wise words.

Edited April 10, 2010 by justafool_400

[sugarmomma]

Have you come right out and asked her for a chance? You need to be direct and may even need a grand gesture (i.e engagement ring) if you know in your heart that you want to spend the rest of your life with her. Women like grand gestures and plans as to how you will avoid the pitfalls that led to the breakup (i.e. premarital counseling). You don't want to wait too long since someone else could be wooing her.

 

Best wishes.

[justafool_400]

Considering we are basically broken up, wouldn't popping the question with a ring send the message that I am desperate and not respecting her decision to "move forward"?

 

Trust me, I have considered this option as at this point it feels like I have nothing to lose. But it seems like doing like this out of the blue would be forced at this point being that we are more or less on very low contact terms. Always envionsed proposing at a time when everything was clicking.

[sugarmomma]

Well I would think some kind of a grand gesture would be in order. Doesn't sound like you're doing much except calling. Send her some flowers or some other kind of small gift and see how she responds. I like gifts especially if they are sincerely given.

 

Have you let her know that you would like a chance to try again?

[sweethearttx]

Sweethearttx:

You mentioned, "show her how you are different". I guess that is the problem in that I don't know how to show her without it backfiring. I guess my question is, what caused your feeling to change from ignoring and being frustrated with his attempts of contact to then "seeing it" and opening the door to reconcile?

Actually, I'm not really sure on this one! I think it was just mostly timing. I turned to him randomly, as I have done every so often over the last year and a half, and this time he showed himself in a different light when given the opportunity. One example...I texted him because I was upset about some things in my life, and I just didn't have anywhere else to turn. I didn't particularly WANT to turn to him I suppose, because he had let me down in the past, but because of timing and life circumstance I did. And he responded in a way that was not the norm for him and that made me pause. And from there, I turned to him more. And opened up communication more. And have started to wonder if maybe he CAN do those things now that he couldn't before.

 

For me, it's too early to tell. We spent several hours yesterday together for the first time since the break-up. I can tell I am reserved, and scared, and I can feel some of the old things coming back up within myself. So it's going to be a matter of whether or not we can continue on a new path or if all the old crap comes back up to bite us. Maybe just on my end, since I was the one hurt so badly.

 

I'm sorry I don't have better insight. I guess what you can gauge from this is...reach out every so often perhaps, but leave it to her to come to you. That's what my ex did. He would only text me every once in a blue moon after that initial attempt to get me back. He was respecting what I wanted, so his contact was rare and he gave up trying to get me back. But he did keep working on himself, for himself, regardless. And I guess eventually I was able to see it, I guess just as a natural product of things. I think there's something to that old saying "if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was." Put your changes into action in your life, just reach out and say hello and "check in" on occasion, and if you have done something that you want her to see, tell her. But then you gotta let her come to you. Best of luck!

[justafool_400]

Trust me, I would love nothing more than to give that grand gesture as sugarmomma suggests, and show her the kind of love I have for her. I would love to do so much other than these minor contacts and what has turned into no contact. But as wrong as it feels to do, it is minimial contact his that I think she wants.

 

So it is exactly these overwhelming feelings of wanting nothing more than to just "give to her and for her" that seem to haunt me. And this is because I have been more or less on the approach that sweethearttx has been suggesting. And that is to show total restraint out of respect for her and her freedom of choice.

 

I just feel that if I don't do something now that it will forever slip away I will forever live with wondering and that is the hardest part. Again, I am madly in love with her and the attempts to say "screw it" and walk off have been met with developments that show it can now work so well between us. I see so much that I am now that I was not before and see so much in the situation that is now that it was before to try to push for one more chance. Just not sure how. Like holding a $10000 check in your hand but you can't figure out how to cash it.

 

I guess I just open it up to this question. Is there any way I can approach her with this heartfelt sentiment that at all would lower the chances of her reacting with resentment and hostility to her respects of trying to move forward without me???

 

Would like to just say thanks again for the comments I have received as my story is one of millions like it I am sure. Thank you.

Edited April 11, 2010 by justafool_400

[justafool_400]

After weighing things over, I am coming to the conclusion that I need to just tell her these things: tell her how serious I am, tell her I love her, tell her that I have never been more prepared to take that leap of faith, tell her I want to marry her.

 

But the approach I take to doing this is the question I am asking myself.

 

Why do this... because I am in pain a very deep pain that will not subside. If for no reason I think I need to do this so I can have a clear conscious to move forward with. Any thoughts?

[sweethearttx]

After weighing things over, I am coming to the conclusion that I need to just tell her these things: tell her how serious I am, tell her I love her, tell her that I have never been more prepared to take that leap of faith, tell her I want to marry her.

 

But the approach I take to doing this is the question I am asking myself.

 

Why do this... because I am in pain a very deep pain that will not subside. If for no reason I think I need to do this so I can have a clear conscious to move forward with. Any thoughts?

I say do what you feel you gotta do. Listen to your gut and your heart and do whatever it says. If it backfires, oh well. At least you will not have any regrets.