unsureLP Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Yep, he came back. My DD acted pretty happy to see him of course. But I didn't feel anything. Well, that's not true. I felt a little disgust, contempt, and anger. I can't seem to forgive him his outbursts. I'm seriously so tired of it. So, because of my reaction to him being here again, I'm thinking this marriage is done on my end. All the stuff that has gone down, all the things I can't forgive, they've taken their toll. All the threats to leave, all the yelling, all the lashing out at our daughter, all of it, I can't let it go anymore. I'm still going to continue MC of course. I've heard you can end your old relationship and begin a new one, from where you are now. Anybody has experience with this? I'm ready to spill it out at the MC because I don't feel like I have anything to lose. I should probably talk to him about it at home first? I don't want to take him by surprise, and although I've been trying to communicate all this to him for a while now, I'm not sure he got it. This summer is the reckoning, I think. Will a phoenix rise out of the ashes for the two of us (a new relationship out of this dead one)?
Author unsureLP Posted April 9, 2010 Author Posted April 9, 2010 anybody? any advice? please? Is there hope for rebuilding a new relationship with H?
sumdude Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 There is hope if both are willing to do the work necessary. The point of MC is using that as the place to work things out. Follow the counselors advice. Letting go of resentments is one of the biggest challenges. Whether the marriage survives or not you'll have to find a way to let them go and the past be the past or you'll carry them with you.
sally4sara Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 anybody? any advice? please? Is there hope for rebuilding a new relationship with H? Is it possible for him to find an apartment nearby? You two could go through the process of dating again and seeing if there is still compatibility.
LisaUk Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Unsure, yes it's possible if you are both willing, the fact you are already in MC shows you are both willing. You say you are done, but you aren't b/c it transpired what you are saying is that you have had enough of his outbursts and no unless he does something to sort himself out you are gone, before you will were willing to compromise? Do I have this right?
Author unsureLP Posted April 9, 2010 Author Posted April 9, 2010 Unsure, yes it's possible if you are both willing, the fact you are already in MC shows you are both willing. You say you are done, but you aren't b/c it transpired what you are saying is that you have had enough of his outbursts and no unless he does something to sort himself out you are gone, before you will were willing to compromise? Do I have this right? Lisa - I think so. I'm still trying to figure out myself if I can find a way to forgive and try for a compromise. I don't know that he can change at this point in life, so I'm wondering if I can learn to live with these outbursts. I also have to see if it's healthier for my daughter, since I have a hard time believing he will stop lashing at her as well. I actually hope the outbursts are caused by something that I am doing, so that I can try to change whatever that is. I don't want to be done, but I've been so emotionally drained for the past 4 years. How can I continue for the rest of our lives? Something has got to give here. That's why I say I'm done with *this* relationship (not the marriage). I want us to build a new relationship, but I don't know if we can... I'm also afraid of bringing stuff up at the counselor because every time I do, he freaks out on me when we leave. Oi.
LisaUk Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Unsure You H is a very lucky man, you are giving him the chance to resolve the issues in your marriage and more than that you are willing to compromise in order to achieve a situation where you can both be happy. Lots of us here weren't given that opportunity (myself included), but then he won't understand that b/c he doesn't know not everyone gets that chance. Perhaps your H is not getting the gravity of the situation yet? Maybe that's denial on his part or maybe he does not really understand yet that you are desperately unhappy. Is he capable of change? Yes, anyone is if they are willing, it may be that he is not willing yet b/c he doesn't comprehend the seriousness of this yet or maybe he doesn't think he is the problem, perhaps sees things only from his perspective right now. When he has an outburst after the MC have you said to asked him if he understand the gravity of your situation right now? That you need to express this stuff in MC b/c the two of you just aren't coping and solving alone?
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