feeling a little insecure about boyfriend's past

[leolover]

I would like some help getting over an issue that has been plaguing me and I'm not exactly sure why. Some may see it as immature but all I can say is please try to be understanding about it. Let me explain:

 

My boyfriend and I are seniors in college. We are inseperable, madly in love, and just recently said I love you for the first time. We met about six months ago. We had an immediate connection and it was pretty much love at first sight. We both have told each other that while we thought we had been in love before, nothing compares to how we feel for each other and it makes our past experiences seem like not a big deal.

 

I was in a short long distance relationship which ended about a year ago, but I had known the guy for about a year before we got together.I was dumped for not having sex. Oh yeah, I'm a virgin. I understand that my ex had "needs" and we were incompatible, but he acted very immature/*******ish when we broke up, totally crushed me, and he also had made me believe that he really cared about me and would be patient enough to wait, so I felt like i had been lead on. I had enough respect for myself not to give in to his childish demands and walk away, and I haven't talked to him since.

 

I was very bitter after this and vowed to be single for a few years since the idea of seriously dating was pretty repulsive to me. But I met my boyfriend, and he took away all my bitterness. I trust him and love him.

 

About my boyfriend: At the beginning of college he had a bad break up with his high school girlfriend. About a year later, his ex was still bugging him and trying to get back together. Around this time he and I lived in the same dorm, but we never met. Instead, he met a girl on his floor who basically went after him and pressured him for sex even though he didn't want a relationship. He questioned it, but did it anyway, and that's how he lost his virginity. They continued this way for a few months but he eventually ended it because he felt like she was a manipulative person.

 

This bothers me. I've talked to him about it and he says he would feel the same way. He even told me he feels like it was a mistake, which surprised me. This happened 2 years ago, and he hasn't been with anyone else, which I find pretty admirable. He says even though he has had sex it would still bother him to think of me with someone else so he understands. I am not angry with him, nor do I think he should have waited for me, since he didn't even know me. Although, I have to admit, if he had, it would have made me happy.

 

Before I found this out, and I almost regret asking, I was fairly sure that he was the one I wanted to lose my virginity to. I don't want to rush into it, but I feel like maybe several months down the line I could have seen it happening. Now, I feel much more apprehensive. I know his sexual history is minimal compared to most guys (by the way...sorry if this is too much info but we were each other's firsts for oral sex...i was surprised that he had never done that before) My boyfriend is a very good person, he says that he doesn't care if we don't go all the way, and I believe him. He has never pressured me at all.

 

I'm normally a very confident person so I'm not sure why this bothers me. I know a part of me is afraid that because I wouldn't be his first that would make it less special, or that he would compare me to this girl. She was experienced and it hurts to think that I might not "stack up" since I'm inexperienced. I know he doesn't think of her, but for some reason I'm afraid that if I'm not as "good" in bed, it would remind him of how "good" she might have been(I don't want details so I don't bring this stuff up). I know that is just an insecurity talking but it's hard to make it go away sometimes. Sometimes I imagine them together (I know what she looks like...) and it makes me sick. I push the thoughts out of my head, but they come back once in a while. For some reason it also really bothers me that while he was seeing this girl, I was living in the same building..it just seems so ironic. Let me just add that I never expected to have my first time with a virgin, so that's why these emotions I've been dealing with are even more surprising and overwhelming.

 

I had a very hard time with this for a few days after I found out, and my boyfriend was very understanding. I've been working on getting over it and over a few weeks it has gotten more bearable and I enjoy my time with him and don't think about it much. However, if it happens to cross my mind, I get very quiet and distant because of how it makes me feel. I made the decision not to bring it up anymore, but he always knows when something is bothering me.

 

I know I'm not the "norm" for being a virgin at my age (22), and I don't expect anyone else to be. I know I have to let this go and I'm trying hard. Please don't criticize, I would just like some thoughts/friendly advice/word of wisdom from anyone who has more perspective/life experience than me.

[reservoirdog1]

Some people are bothered by their partner's past, some aren't.

 

I was a virgin when I met my now-ex-wife. I knew she'd been with a few other guys before me. Hell, I even knew one of them -- he was a friend of both of us. If it ever bothered me, it bothered me for about thirty seconds. In my view, she didn't owe me an explanation, an apology, or any details about it. She had a life before she met me, end of story. The only important thing was whether or not she was STD-free.

 

I think you're doing the right thing by resolving to not bring it up with him anymore. If you were to keep bringing it up, it would get old really fast, and probably lead to fights eventually.

 

I suggest you try counselling to find ways of coping with it and putting it to rest. Your university probably has counsellors -- maybe they can help. I do want to stress, however, that it's YOUR issue. Not your BF's.

[Ruby Slippers]

From the sound of it, he is your first love. In my book, that's a great choice for the first time. But of course, this is a very personal decision and yours alone to make.

 

My first love was a virgin, and he was mad at me because I'd had sex before, with a boyfriend I liked but certainly wasn't in love with. He verbally tortured me about it, in fact, and I didn't have the courage then to fight back sufficiently.

 

What I wish he could have understood (and maybe he does now, as he recently apologized for that all these years later) was that in the face of real love, that previous boyfriend and the sex we had were pretty meaningless. My boyfriend's insecurity and antagonism only made me lose good feelings and respect for him. He was threatened, but he had NO reason to be.

 

Focus on the present, the moment, what you have with your guy now. That's where you need to be to make a smart decision.

[leolover]

Those are some interesting perspectives. I have not tortured my boyfriend or told him I look down on him or anything, I don't. It was his life and his decision. I know that I mean more to him than any other girl has, and that means a lot. I have faith that eventually this won't bother me anymore, or very much at least. I guess I just hate thinking of him being with someone else in that way

[aerogurl87]

OP like you my boyfriend is a virgin, and like your boyfriend I'm not. At first this really bothered my boyfriend and I couldn't figure out why really till he explained to me the exact reasons which I guess make sense although I completely disagree with them. Anyway, it's like this, you can't hold his past against him. I'm sure if he knew you existed before he met you he would've waited. That's what I tell my boyfriend and to be honest it's true. Although I thought I was going to marry the guy I lost my virginity to, but I digress. If he's faithful and not pushing you to have sex, don't worry about him not being a virgin. As long as you both love each other, your first time together will be special no matter what.

[dazzle22]

The more you fall in love with someone, the more repugnant it is (for most people) to think of someone else 'having them' in that way..

 

Most people are pretty good at just pushing it out of their minds because they, too, have a similar past, but if the experiences are markedly 'unequal' if you will, the person with less experience usually is somewhat bothered by it all.

[leolover]

aerogirl--i'm sorry your boyfriend was upset, he shouldn't make you feel bad for your past but I hope you kind of understand where he is coming from. Of course you have a right to your past and maybe it sucks for him to think about but i hope he is trying to get over it.

 

Dazzle-You're absolutely right...actually going through this has made me realize how much I care about him...he's amazing and with other guys i dated i didn't really think about it...i remember it bothered me a little but not much with my last boyfriend and he had more of a past than my current one...

[aerogurl87]

Yeah leolover I understand where he's coming from. He has a fear that he won't measure up to the other guys I've been with because they have more experience than him. But I disagree with him and after I told him how much it bothered me (him feeling so down about it) he stopped bringing up the subject. But hey he asked how many people I'd been with so he opened that Pandora's box himself and he had to deal with the answer (which I know was something he didn't want to hear), but whatever.

 

I hope you can get over your boyfriend's past though. Don't hold it against him and mention it alot or it could result in him resenting you or making him feel bad about himself. Both of which are unhealthy for a relationship.

[ADF]

Sorry, but you cannot ask for advice/opinions and demand no one be critical. It just doesn't work that way.

 

The childish one here is you. There is this huge lie in our culture that says sex shouldn't be that important, that if you really love someone you can wait, blah, blah, blah. It's rubbish. Human beings are risen apes, not fallen angels. Wanting sex doesn't make you childish, it makes you human. For the vast majority of the population, sex is essential to emotional and psychological health. Plus, sexual rejection hurts. A person who repeatedly sexually rejects you sends a clear message: "I don't want you. You're not good enough."

 

Nothing your BF did was abnormal. Your fears about being unfavorably compared to this other woman show how inexperienced you are. This is what the cult of virginity does. It warps people's minds and sends them out into the world without a clue as to what real, healthy adult relationships are like. You're not required to have sex if you don't want to. But please, please confine your dating to sexually repressed religious extremists and closet homosexuals. If you try to date normal, healthy men with active libidos, you're going to drive both them and yourself crazy.

[leolover]

Wow, ADF. I think your response was actually pretty bitter if not mean. I have no desire to date closet homosexuals or religious extremists --we wouldn't have much in common and that would be pretty detrimental to me. You are entitled to your opinion but it sure wasn't very helpful, and it also doesn't mean that you are right. There may be nothing wrong with not being a virgin, but there is also nothing wrong with being one, if that is the right decision for you. Also, the only reason I said that my EX was childish was because of the way he treated me--which I won't get into here, but was petty and disrespectful.

[BWLoca]

Cult of virginity? Wow...

 

I think the key is to find someone with similar beliefs and values as yourself. They don't necessarily have to be religious extremists but most would probably have some religious background.

 

While I'm not a virgin, I would be perfectly fine if my b/f wanted to wait or not have it at all. It's his choice and in my choosing to be with him, I would respect it.

[boogieboy]

Hey Leo this slunds like more of an ego insecurity problem than anything else. If you THINK you and him are madly in love with each other, but you think he will leave you because of your inexperience...after he's been dry for 2 years, then you dont really have much confidence in your relationship. He knows you cant be like his ex when youre a virgin, so theres no reason for you to think about that.

 

If you think he will leave you because of sex, then you have to re-evaluate what you think this relationship actually is. Do you think youre more in love with him than he is with you? Do you think he has the upper hand just because he had sex before you did? He wouldnt be with you if being a virgin was a problem. Plus, he didnt like his ex's maniplutaive ways. Unless he talks about her alot, you have nothing to worry about.

[eraser]

OP, I had your attitude once. I was young. As I've gotten a little older, I've come to realize that it's the person on the inside that matters the most. If you truly love the person you are with, you will accept who they are, including past events that helped shaped who they are today. You don't have to like everything they've done, but you can accept those things as part of their personal learning experiences.

 

When it comes down to it, these types of things are so trivial. If whether someone is a virgin or not can make or break a relationship, then...well, the relationship isn't really that solid to begin with. And while ADF might have come across as blunt or rude, I do agree with him when he says that there is a weird emphasis on virginity in our culture that really only serves to give people and their relationships unnecessary issues.

 

PS: I've been involved with two virgins. Hell, I was a virgin who lost my virginity to another virgin. We waited a long time. And, trust me, two virgins banging is not all what it's cracked up to be.

[Arasae]

Hey, missy--I've been in the exact same situation you're in now. My first love was not a virgin; he'd been coerced out of it by his manipulative ex-girlfriend. And guess what? It bothered me too!

 

The apprehension you're feeling is totally normal, but also is something you need to work past. The insecurity stems to the lack of experience--and that's okay! I think it's probably manifesting itself into the fact that he has someone to compare it to, but would probably be there, regardless, in some other form.

 

Take it slow--don't bring it up to him again, as that past remains unchanged, but guilt can resurface. As someone with decent sexual experience under her belt now, all I can tell you is, nothing, NOTHING compares to being truly in love with someone and being intimate with them; it ultimately renders the past irrelevant.

 

I suggest waiting until the point where it no longer bothers you before initiating actual sex; you don't want to be thinking about THAT the first time!

 

Okay, I feel like a lot of this might have been drivel, but I just wanted to assure you that what you're feeling is normal, and it too shall pass provided you try not to spend too much energy on it. =)

[make me believe]

leolover, your feelings are natural and I think it's a really good sign that you realize they are unhealthy. I've had nearly 3 times as many sexual partners as my boyfriend, but it STILL bugs me a bit to imagine him with anyone else! Not to the point where I bring it up or dwell on it a lot, but you know... for most people, the thought of the person you're madly in love with having sex with someone else isn't pleasant!

 

I know it's going to be difficult for you to believe this, but trust me -- your boyfriend is NOT going to compare you to the girl from his past. Honestly. I could compare my bf to plenty of other guys, but I NEVER have. The past is in the past and simply doesn't really cross my mind. Never once has my bf done something in bed where I thought "gee, so-and-so was just so much better at this than he is..."

 

It sounds like having sex with this girl was just that -- sex. Fcking with no emotions. But having sex with you will be so much more to him because he LOVES you. NOTHING compares with making love to somebody that you truly love. It will be special to him because it's with you.

[reservoirdog1]

Human beings are risen apes, not fallen angels.

AWESOME line!!!

[leolover]

Thanks guys. Some of your replies have been very helpful and have made me realize that I'm not entirely alone..that i'm not a freak...and that i can get over this. The only reason i asked for no criticism is because I've already given myself enough of a hard time...i have a lot of pride and i don't like to think that something like this can get to me so muhc.

 

I won't say that I'm totally free of insecurities because i'm not, but i do have faith in myself and I know i deserve a good relationship. however, my parents have had a lot of problems and the first guy i opened up to and cared about did leave me because of sex. that being said, i feel very calm and right about the relationship with my boyfriend, i just don't think that would happen with him even though it's entirely possible.

 

it's not so much that i'm hung up on "virginity', i mean, i know that i would regret it if i had slept with anyone i've even met up to this point, cause i never really felt right about it, which is why i didn't. So yeah, it's not so much that i'm hung up on some concept of purity, but it's more the fact that it drives me nuts thinking about the guy that i am in love with being with some other girl so intimately, in a way that i haven't even experienced him, or anyone else for that matter. It sucks but sometimes I can't help but imagine him with her and it is the worst feeling in the world. I know it was probably just sex, he said he did not love her. I think i build it up in my head and imagine that they had this special, mind blowing experience together. That's an awful thing to think about and i know that it is VERY unhealthy. Deep down I know the past is the past, she means nothing to him, and it doesn't matter. I just have to work on letting it go completely.

[eraser]

So yeah, it's not so much that i'm hung up on some concept of purity, but it's more the fact that it drives me nuts thinking about the guy that i am in love with being with some other girl so intimately, in a way that i haven't even experienced him, or anyone else for that matter.

 

You need to stop thinking that way. Are you really going to let some random girl of little to no consequence effect your relationship like that? If you boyfriend loves you now, your boyfriend loves you now. Like a few people have said in this thread, nothing compares to actually making love to someone and having someone make love to you. Think about it this way: would you rather have had your boyfriend be emotionally-involved with his manipulative ex for years or had him sleep with her a few times, call her on her BS and move on to you?

[make me believe]

it's more the fact that it drives me nuts thinking about the guy that i am in love with being with some other girl so intimately, in a way that i haven't even experienced him, or anyone else for that matter. It sucks but sometimes I can't help but imagine him with her and it is the worst feeling in the world. I know it was probably just sex, he said he did not love her. I think i build it up in my head and imagine that they had this special, mind blowing experience together. That's an awful thing to think about and i know that it is VERY unhealthy. Deep down I know the past is the past, she means nothing to him, and it doesn't matter. I just have to work on letting it go completely.

 

Don't worry hun, like I said, thinking of your boyfriend with another girl is a terrible feeling for most people! The problem is that since you don't have any sexual experience, you've built it up way more than it needs to be. I understand that because I was the same way when I was a virgin. I just thought that the guy I was seeing must have had all of these AMAZING experiences, and how could I compare when we hadn't had that? But now that I have experience of my own, I know that most people are not going around comparing their partners (especially someone they are in love with to someone they didn't even have feelings for), and when you get into a great relationship the past just doesn't matter anymore! I have had some GREAT sex in my past and done things that I've never done with my current bf, but it doesn't matter. Making love to him is the best because it is physically AND emotionally satisfying. I'm SURE that your boyfriend will feel the same way if/when you decide to have sex with him.

 

Now I know this is easier said than done, but when you find yourself thinking about your bf and this other girl, simply don't allow yourself to indulge in those thoughts. Distract yourself with anything necessary!! Actively switch your thoughts to something else, turn on the tv, pick up a book... remind yourself that these thoughts are destructive and unhealthy, and you aren't going to give into them anymore. Soon you will find them entering your head less & less, and hopefully you'll realize that what they did in the past really doesn't matter anymore.

[amymarieca]

I felt the exact same way when I was around 18 and still a virgin. The thought of my boyfriend being with someone else made my stomach churn. As you get older and have more life experiences, you will learn that the number of people they slept with in the past does not matter. Honestly, I've been with a lot of people and I don't recall ever comparing one person to another in bed. Good luck!

[Sazerac]

You know that old chestnut about "whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas?" That's a good way to approach someone's past. "Whatever happened in the past, stays in the past."

 

When I met my wife for the first time, she had a--well, rather colorful past that to this day she still expresses regret over. It never bothered me once. That was her past. It was, and is, her "NOW" that is the most important thing to me.

 

What you have NOW is what is important. Reaffirm that and it may help you in your perspective with your bf. Blessings!