lolapalooza Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Hi! I've been lurking here for awhile, but have been too afraid to post. I am curious to know from all affair partners and spouses. I was reading on another board where a WS posted that she regretted her A, but the work afterwards brought her and her H closer pre-A. It made me wonder: Whether your affair is over or ongoing, did you learn anything from it? I was in an A for 3 years with a MM. I learned the following after it was over: I had more worth than just a piece of a$$, and deserved to be treated better. I learned new boundaries. I learned that I don't have to settle. I learned that I should go for what I want, and accept no less. I could go on, but I'm interested in knowing if anyone had something good come out of their affair.
EyesOpened Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Interesting question! Today - I learned not to care if he wants me or not - because I know I dont want him! (And to not let myself stoop to a dumb game playing level) however, in general I learned that no one should ever settle for less than all of someone they love, or they are just selling themselves short. Oh - and i'm more than just a piece of a$$! I second that!
jennie-jennie Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 I learnt that there are still people in this world that you can trust.
pureinheart Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Hi! I've been lurking here for awhile, but have been too afraid to post. I am curious to know from all affair partners and spouses. I was reading on another board where a WS posted that she regretted her A, but the work afterwards brought her and her H closer pre-A. It made me wonder: Whether your affair is over or ongoing, did you learn anything from it? I was in an A for 3 years with a MM. I learned the following after it was over: I had more worth than just a piece of a$$, and deserved to be treated better. I learned new boundaries. I learned that I don't have to settle. I learned that I should go for what I want, and accept no less. I could go on, but I'm interested in knowing if anyone had something good come out of their affair. I learned more about me than in any other R, mostlikely due to the "person" and less due to him being M'ed. The R led me to LS and some of the people at LS have been an essential in my healing. FTR exDM had little to do with the healing I needed, I see that now. Sure I had my issues with him and he did some messed up stuff, although I had the choice to walk. He was more of a help than a hinderance, and me for him too. I am sorry that you were used, please try to keep in mind we can get used in any type of R. For a long time I blamed exDM for everything that had gone wrong in my life, I expected him to rescue me, and when he failed I lost heart. This was very wrong of me. He came on the scene as a rescuer, although he had his own stuff to deal with and it's like we fell into this deep dark pit and were of no use to each at this point. Now we are friends, I like to hang out with him, although I don't have the same feelings for him I once had, he's changed and so have I. I wish you luck in your future, LA....
Author lolapalooza Posted April 9, 2010 Author Posted April 9, 2010 Pure- Please don't misunderstand. I didn't feel "used" within the affair. IN the affair, I KNEW I wasn't just a piece of a$$. I meant a lot to him, I know that for sure. I meant that it actually took being in an A for me to realize what I wanted and needed out of a relationship. I didn't mean for it to sound harsh. I think a lot of young women get into A's because they don't know what they want, and then they get wrapped up in everything and it gets out of control. At least that's what happened in my case. But in the end, it worked out for me because I learned a lot about myself.
Just a stone's throw Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Mine is over - March 1st. I learned some good things about myself and some things I'm not so proud of and that I need to work on. 1. I can lie, pretty effectively. (not proud, working on not needing to lie moving forward) 2. Learned that I can have multiple -O's! (very proud and would shout it out to the world if that was something that was socially acceptable!) 3. Learned that I am not as self-confident as I thought I was. I needed the reassurance of this man to make me feel good about myself when I have a great guy (my H) who does that for me day in and day out. (again, not proud of this one, just a good learning) 4. Learned that I liked taking risks big time. Not sure if I'm proud of that or not. It does play into how I work things moving forward in my private life and business life. It's more of an "a-hah" moment for me. 5. Learned that I can be really selfish when it comes to my needs. This I am definitely the least proud of and am working dilligently on taking the feedback I've received here at LS and things my H has said to me for years to make me a better person. Okay, that's about all anyone would really like to know though there is a lot more I'm sure. All-in-all my A was very much a learning experience for me and actually one I continue to learn from every day.
Brightmoon Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 (edited) I learned that there is always learning to do.. Edited April 10, 2010 by Brightmoon
Just a stone's throw Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 I learned that there is always learning to do.. Brightmoon, this does not sound good. Are you talking to anyone? IC? It sounds from your post that you are in a really bad way. HUGS!!
Just a stone's throw Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Brightmoon' date=' this does not sound good. Are you talking to anyone? IC? It sounds from your post that you are in a really bad way. HUGS!![/quote'] Obviously I posted on your first post not your edited post. Am still concerned about your pre-edit reply that possibly I'm the only one who saw it. You can feel comfortable posting here. We will support you on LS!
Just a stone's throw Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Oh and I learned one more thing.... to set boundaries in my friendships with men, especially married ones so that I don't get into a situation again where I or the MM have to make a choice. It is just not fair. I can be friends with them but I need to hold back some things that I thought were just innocent. Live and learn....
SoxPrincess Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 I'm married & had an 11 month A that ended in 2006. I've posted here (and other places) that my A did EVENTUALLY bring my H & I closer, but it was, and continues to be, a lot of work. Here are some of the things I learned: 1- The grass is NOT greener on the other side; it's greener where you choose to water it. 2- Getting up the nerve to have a serious discussion about your relationship/status of your marriage is a hell of a lot easier than telling your spouse that you are cheating on them. 3- I'll never lie again because I can't afford to lose the trust of my husband ever. It took me years to gain his trust back so whether it's for something trivial or not, nothing but the truth will spring forth from my lips. 4- Most OMs use the same, tired lines & most women in A's will continue to fall for them thinking "no way, THIS relationship is different". I did it; I read forums during my A, I saw what was being said and proudly proclaimed "this doesn't apply to me because MY OM is different and it's true looooooove" 5- I have the most incredible husband on the planet, in my eyes. I lost sight of that for entirely too long & I almost lost him because of it. He has forgiven me (not forgotten), he trusts me again & together we're moving towards our 12th year of marriage.
RedDevil66 Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 I learned that my soul was broken and I had to find out who I was and not look for myself in a married guy. That was over 10 yrs ago and I learned. I'll never do it again.
kis Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Mine is over - March 1st. I learned some good things about myself and some things I'm not so proud of and that I need to work on. 1. I can lie, pretty effectively. (not proud, working on not needing to lie moving forward) 2. Learned that I can have multiple -O's! (very proud and would shout it out to the world if that was something that was socially acceptable!) 3. Learned that I am not as self-confident as I thought I was. I needed the reassurance of this man to make me feel good about myself when I have a great guy (my H) who does that for me day in and day out. (again, not proud of this one, just a good learning) 4. Learned that I liked taking risks big time. Not sure if I'm proud of that or not. It does play into how I work things moving forward in my private life and business life. It's more of an "a-hah" moment for me. 5. Learned that I can be really selfish when it comes to my needs. This I am definitely the least proud of and am working dilligently on taking the feedback I've received here at LS and things my H has said to me for years to make me a better person. Okay, that's about all anyone would really like to know though there is a lot more I'm sure. All-in-all my A was very much a learning experience for me and actually one I continue to learn from every day. What happened to end your affiar. Did your husband find out?
Just a stone's throw Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 What happened to end your affiar. Did your husband find out? No - MM ended it once and for all (after mini breaks) because of his guilt should his kids ever find out. It forced me (which I was not strong enough to face myself) to re-evaluate what I was doing to my M. I had never pictured myself in an A. Been married a long time. I had contended with MM and myself, that when we ended things, that would be it for me as far as an A goes and I either had to make a go of my M or D. Love the acronyms... oversimplifies marriage and affairs completely but makes typing much quicker.
stella79 Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 I agree with HockeyFan! My A ended in heartbreak..He said he never loved me, "just words" to get a piece of ass. He chose his W over me...of course, most men do! I learned to love and respect myself. I am still trying to let go of my anger towards him. I realize now the kind of love I want and deserve. Messing with a MM is devastating..if you really want to see his TRUE COLORS, then wait til D-day...and you will see what kind of man you are dealing with.. Get out before it's too late...Stella
jj33 Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Im not sure I learned anything. There are lessons I am sure but I feel like they arent new. They are truisms. If anything I learned that I see the world in a very particular way and that so many people see things so differently, and that can be isolating. When you find someone who sees the world in the same way that you do its such a wonderful feeling. I never realized how isolated I was until I was with xMM and felt so understood and secure and loved. He is the only person I have ever trusted completely. (and look how that ended:o) Losing what we shared has been very difficult.
bittersweet memories Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 I agree with HockeyFan! My A ended in heartbreak..He said he never loved me, "just words" to get a piece of ass. He chose his W over me...of course, most men do! I learned to love and respect myself. I am still trying to let go of my anger towards him. I realize now the kind of love I want and deserve. Messing with a MM is devastating..if you really want to see his TRUE COLORS, then wait til D-day...and you will see what kind of man you are dealing with.. Get out before it's too late...Stella Wow.. I remember your situation so clearly. The last thing I remember you were trying to do NC but you were having a very difficult time with it. So it took a D-DAy to open your eyes. Better late than never. I wish you the best..Hang in there.
SouthernSunshine Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 1)You end up feeling like an idiot. 2)Nobody wins. 3)You downgrade yourself. There's plenty more, but that aught to be enough!
OWoman Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Whether your affair is over or ongoing, did you learn anything from it? I was in an A for 3 years with a MM. I learned the following after it was over: I had more worth than just a piece of a$$, and deserved to be treated better. I learned new boundaries. I learned that I don't have to settle. I learned that I should go for what I want, and accept no less. I could go on, but I'm interested in knowing if anyone had something good come out of their affair. Yes, if you consider M a good thing I learned... * that I can be in a R and not feel smothered * that some men have what it takes * that being in touch with what you want and need, and being honest about that, gets you what you want and need * that if you value yourself and demand respect, you get it * that love is more important than security * that the present, and the future, is more important than "history" * that kids do better in two homes where at least one is happy, than in one where at least one MP is unhappy * that no one [who matters] gives a damn that your M started as an A, so long as you're happy * that sex can still be as hot and as passionate even once you're M... * that some people on internet forums will continue to project their issues onto you even though you are not their WS's OW
jennie-jennie Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Im not sure I learned anything. There are lessons I am sure but I feel like they arent new. They are truisms. If anything I learned that I see the world in a very particular way and that so many people see things so differently, and that can be isolating. When you find someone who sees the world in the same way that you do its such a wonderful feeling. I never realized how isolated I was until I was with xMM and felt so understood and secure and loved. He is the only person I have ever trusted completely. (and look how that ended:o) Losing what we shared has been very difficult. This is I recognize myself in.
Hazyhead Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 I learned that words mean nothing without the actions to back them up. I also learned that I'm stronger than I thought. I'm ok and getting better everyday.
JustJoe Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 I learned that I'm not as honest as I thought I was. I learned that the human capacity for self-delusion is limitless.
herenow Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 (edited) I learned not to take any relationship for granted. I learned that I need to be happy with myself to be able to truly love another. I learned that I am stronger than I thought. I learned that I can forgive. Edited April 13, 2010 by herenow
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