isdn00789 Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Alright, so I feel a little ridiculous asking this question but at the moment it feels like one of the few options I have. I'm a 21 year old college student and there is a girl I'm interested in right now (3 actually, but one in particular). I have been trying unbelievably hard to get myself to speak to her over the past 2-3 months. I was actually successful once, but I only got one sentence out before we parted ways. I've been told by a number of people how bad it is to use Facebook to contact a girl you don't really know. I want very much to send this girl a message saying nothing more than: "Hi, can we talk after class sometime?", but so far I have refrained from doing so. I realize it isn't far from the whole Facebook thing, but how acceptable would it be for me to give her a note saying close to the same thing (at least it is in person, right)? Of course I realize this is an activity that takes place in middle-school, but I never really did this then so I'm thinking maybe I just need to take a step back and build up to the whole speaking thing (I wish I were joking). Basically, if she just knew I was intending to speak to her I could, but for some reason something in my head just stops me from saying something every chance I get. (Please note this isn't just with girls: I have the same trouble with speaking up in class, to other guys, asking questions at work... this is a serious problem I need to fix, and I'm looking for serious advice) Part of my problem with speaking to this girl is that she walks away from class with another girl (who just so happens to be one of the other two I'm attracted to) which is just making things even harder. I think I would've said something more by now if she walked away alone, but I always feel like I would be interrupting their conversation if I say anything. And before I end this: Please either answer my question or provide other ways I could approach speaking to this girl. Simply telling me to become more confident or to just speak to her is worthless advice to me. I know I need to become more confident, I'm trying to do that, but I have to start somewhere small enough to manage. And if it were as simple as just speaking up I wouldn't be writing here right now. Thanks in advance for your feedback.
alphamale Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 (Please note this isn't just with girls: I have the same trouble with speaking up in class, to other guys, asking questions at work... this is a serious problem I need to fix, and I'm looking for serious advice) well many 21 yr olds have this problem. in the grand scheme of things you're still a baby. you'll outgrow it as you get older and more experienced
eraser Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 I think the passing of a physical note would be cute- a novelty- and it would automatically get my attention. If the same message were passed through Facebook, I'd probably be more likely to blow it off. Make your note extra interesting and funny for bonus points.
alphamale Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 I think the passing of a physical note would be cute- a novelty- and it would automatically get my attention. If the same message were passed through Facebook, I'd probably be more likely to blow it off. Make your note extra interesting and funny for bonus points. note-passing is for 12 year olds in middle school
Author isdn00789 Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 Alphamale: Thanks for the encouraging words. I know I will get over it with time. In reality I have already made enormous progressing considering where I started. eraser: I'm glad to hear that you feel that way. I hope I get a similar response from other people. If I do, I'll definitely have to give the whole note thing a shot.
eraser Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 note-passing is for 12 year olds in middle school Alright, but as it stands, I'd be more interested in this guy than you.
Author isdn00789 Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 Alphamale: I was just thinking most guys (at least the ones I know) started pursuing girls through the use of notes. I was too shy to do that in middle-school, and I was home schooled starting in 8th grade. I have to start somewhere, and just speaking up is not working so well for me. I thought maybe it would help if I went back to the step where a lot of people start. If I get rejected for it, fine, but at least I tried. If I keep going the way I am right now, chances are I'll never know if I would have succeeded or not.
boogieboy Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 You CANT do it on facebook. If you do, she will know that you are too chicken to talk to her in person, and its a complete turnoff. Your approach is that of a 12 year old. You're in college, you have to appear as if you have some confidence. Boldness is a turnon for women, because its a risk of rejection. (because most of them cant imagine taking that risk) The only way to learn how to get over the shyness is to approach many people, but you dont do it with a goal in mind. You just start conversations. it's like ripping off a band aid. You're thinking about it too much and finding reasons not to do it. To approach her, you have to have a few things to say ready to go... even if its just to say "hey I noticed you have...." and take it from there. You also have to not worry about the outcome. You approach her as if youve seen her for the first time, and you just want to see if she's cool. If she is, she can join you in YOUR world. This is the way guys learn to get over the anxiety of approaching women. Just go up and do it, and it takes practice to do it without nervousness. it works alot better when you have things ready to ssay so you dont blank out. If you refuse to do it this way, not only will you not get her attention, but you will forever chicken out with talking to women. At some point in your life you will have to get over your social phobia.
Author isdn00789 Posted April 9, 2010 Author Posted April 9, 2010 I'm not talking about doing it on Facebook. I said I would like to, but I know better. My question was about an actual, physical note. I'm talking about handing it to her in person. I agree that the way to get over this is to approach people, but I can't approach people as it is... not like you're saying. Currently the approach of "just do it" is getting me absolutely no where because I'm doing nothing despite an immense effort on my part. Wouldn't it be better to try and fail rather than never try at all? I need some intermediate step. Handing someone a note in person IS approaching them, but it isn't as difficult as speaking. That is why I was considering it. I see no reason why I need to hide the fact that I'm shy. It is who I am and you're supposed to be honest in a relationship right? Why start off with a lie. Also: I have things ready to say. Everyday I'm convinced I'll say something. I'm 100% sure I will. Then when class ends and we all walk away my mind quickly undoes all the careful planning I've done over the last 2-5 days (it is a Tuesday/Thursday class). Although it may not be as plentiful as it is for some, I do have some confidence. Not being able to speak up and having no confidence are not the same thing. In fact, there are many things I'm confident about.
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