Mens reaction to abortion...

April 9, 2010

Before you miscarried were you planning on an abortion or did you tell him you were keeping the child?

We agreed to have an abortion. I needed him then more than ever, and he suddenly became unreliable.

April 9, 2010

We agreed to have an abortion. I needed him then more than ever, and he suddenly became unreliable.

Yeah, the same thing happened to me, at least once. Was this the guy you posted about recently for whom you were his first love? Also, how old was he?

April 9, 2010

I had an abortion a couple of years ago, and the father was a guy that I was exclusively dating, but not super serious about. We were only together for a few months. He was more serious about me than I was about him. I never considered having that baby, and I don't think he did either. He didn't think differently about me afterwards (that I know of, and we still talk occasionally to this day), and our subsequent break-up had nothing to do with the abortion. (I broke up with him because he was too serious about me.)

Unfortunately I am now pregnant again, and have another abortion scheduled for Thursday. My current boyfriend and I are in a VERY serious committed relationship that will ultimately lead to marriage. If I was going to have a baby with anyone, it would be with him. However, I don't know if I want a baby EVER, let alone right now. (And before anyone jumps on me -- the first pregnancy was due to sheer stupidity. This one is due to the condom apparently breaking, although neither of us can think of the specific incident when that occured, which is super annoying!)

I can not imagine my boyfriend thinking differently about me for this situation. He takes responsibility for it, has been incredibly supportive, and is always asking me what he can do to make things easier for me.

It makes me LIVID to know that a guy can get a girl pregnant and even agree she should abort and then turn on her afterwards. That is repulsive and I truly feel for any woman who finds herself in that situation.

I felt the same way as you do, because my boyfriend was totally supportive before the abortion. But then soon after he dumped me out of the blue and I can only assume that the two are at least indirectly related. I just hope your boyfriend is mature and unselfish enough not to do that. I will say that you really can't know somebody until you've gone through something stressful like this and observed how they handled it, before and after.

April 9, 2010

Yeah, the same thing happened to me, at least once. Was this the guy you posted about recently for whom you were his first love? Also, how old was he?

No, that's my current boyfriend. This was my ex of two years (I was his supposed "first love" also). He was about to turn 21 at the time. We dated another 9 months or so after we found out, but the relationship was awful after the plus sign. It kept unwinding further and further into a terribly dysfunctional one. I almost think he resented me for some reason, and he was the one to break up with me in the end.

How old was the guy who did this to you?

April 9, 2010

No, that's my current boyfriend. This was my ex of two years (I was his supposed "first love" also). He was about to turn 21 at the time. We dated another 9 months or so after we found out, but the relationship was awful after the plus sign. It kept unwinding further and further into a terribly dysfunctional one. I almost think he resented me for some reason, and he was the one to break up with me in the end.

How old was the guy who did this to you?

He just turned 22, and I was also his first love.

The other guy was 24, but again his first love.

April 9, 2010

This is about the more common scenario, where both parties agree that a pregnancy isn't emotionally, financially, or mentally viable.

I can't imagine having sex with a woman where the potential outcome (pregnancy) isn't viable. To me, that sounds like a gross incompatibility. I've only had sex with women whom I wanted at some point (sooner rather than later) to have a family with.

A healthy man talks it out with his partner, and if they come to the decision, he does NOT hold it against her.

'If' such a decision was arrived at mutually, I wouldn't hold it against her. That reality would turn upon mutual validation of feelings, not simply one-sided validation. There would also have to be one pretty d@mn good reason, considering how I feel, have felt and have communicated my feelings about having children. Even a miscarriage (and there were a few 'maybes' in my M) is devastating to someone who wants a child. I can't imagine ever being nonchalant about that, nor unsympathetic.

Your story is a painful reminder of the dynamic of compatibility. That 'man' with whom you chose to have sex and who impregnated you was incompatible. His words deluded but his actions were honest. In the end, he showed you his authentic self.

April 9, 2010

Mel, that's such a sad story. ((HUG))

OK, that's a flippant answer, but forget the finances, is it going to affect your relationship? The way you look at her ? At your life ?

I honestly don't think anyone, male or female, knows how they'd respond/react to an abortion until after it happens.

April 9, 2010

I felt the same way as you do, because my boyfriend was totally supportive before the abortion. But then soon after he dumped me out of the blue and I can only assume that the two are at least indirectly related. I just hope your boyfriend is mature and unselfish enough not to do that. I will say that you really can't know somebody until you've gone through something stressful like this and observed how they handled it, before and after.

Yeah, I agree that you really get to know somebody after going through something like this. I'll be shocked -- like, floored -- if my boyfriend is anything other than supportive when it's all over, although I guess by the examples in this thread you never REALLY know how someone will react. That is so sad to me. It's understandable to have unexpected emotions afterwards; to think beforehand that you'll feel a certain way, and then to find afterwards that you feel differently (sadder than you had expected, for example). But to then hold it against the woman like she did something wrong when BOTH partners agreed to the abortion is just disgusting.

Unexpected pregnancy, whether you abort it or keep it, throws the relationship into a completely new territory. And unfortunately it sounds like some "men" give pretty good lip-service about being supportive, but when it comes down to it are unwilling to back up their words with actions. This is just pathetic to me. Really, I can't even conjure up the words for these as*holes who impregnate a woman and then act like she is 100% responsible/to blame for what happened.

April 9, 2010

I understand you feel hurt and betrayed, but this also prevents you from seeing the situation objectively - which is that it was an accidental pregnancy that happened in what doesn't sound like this was any particularly serious, long, or committed relationship at this point. Of course no guy would be thrilled to hear about a pregnancy in this context, while everything is still up in the air, at least that would be my reaction too.

Things would be completely different if we are on a clear path to commitment, marriage etc. In such a context, even a scheduling snafu would not prevent me from being happy,

April 9, 2010

I don't usually share too much on this forum, and sharing this experience from 13 yrs ago was harder than I thought.

I just felt that it would put more weight into the discussion I wanted to have with you guys. ( When people post random questions I ALWAYS try to figure out the back story as to why they were asking)

Ladies, thank you for bravely sharing your stories. and make-me-believe, my heart is with you during this time. It is never easy and always awful, I hope your man is one ( and sounds like he is) That can accept this mutual decision for what it is.

Tori, yeah, you've been there. You GET it. It's the weirdest thing in that it is so not fair on the face of it, but then, what ever is in life ?

Gentleman, carhill, ecko, just joe, I thank you for sharing your experiences and for not thinking that pregnancy happens in a vacuum !

The truth is, as bad as the timing was, I would have had that child if my partner had been willing, but with everything else falling down around my ears, and raising a two yr old completely alone, it would not have been remotely do-able, or fair to my existing child.

I think what weirds me out so much to this day, is that a man can believe he loves you, but that when something " hard" happens, he wants to run as fast as he can. That sense of WE had sex, but I peed on the stick and its positive, so now I am : the bad, the scary, the gollum......It can change just like *that*.

Like I said in the OP, I think that is what seperates the emotionally mature men, from the unrealistic, scared little boys.

April 9, 2010

I understand you feel hurt and betrayed, but this also prevents you from seeing the situation objectively - which is that it was an accidental pregnancy that happened in what doesn't sound like this was any particularly serious, long, or committed relationship at this point. Of course no guy would be thrilled to hear about a pregnancy in this context, while everything is still up in the air, at least that would be my reaction too.
Things would be completely different if we are on a clear path to commitment, marriage etc. In such a context, even a scheduling snafu would not prevent me from being happy,

Dude, it happened 13 yrs ago. My HUSBAND drowned last May. I am NOT hurt and betrayed or even concerned about this sh*t.

It WAS an accidental pregnancy, but the point of the post was that SOME guys freak out. Not all, but some, and they tend to be immature, unrealistic, selfish types.

This was my HS sweetheart and we were living together and planning a long term future. The unplanned pregnancy made him emotionally run from me like I had Ebola. No conversation, no sex, no eating dinner, and working together as we had. Just a ( 30 yr old) boy with fear in his eyes waiting to jump off the nearest balcony.

Last I heard, he's mid 40's, bartending in NYC and still trying to make his rock and roll dreams come true !

April 9, 2010

Thanks, Mel! I appreciate the support. Your and Tori's stories really broke my heart because I can't imagine being in love with a guy and then having to watch him treat me so callously. What you said here..

It may take two to make an embryo, but it seems that the one carrying it becomes a frightening " Sh*t, life might not always go my way" reminder....for the immature.

..this is JUST SO TRUE. For some guys, the second the pregnancy test shows positive, the woman they previously "loved" is now just this scary pregnant lady who could screw up all of his life plans -- never mind the fact that he is partly responsible for the fact that she's pregnant!

Mr White, your post confused me. It seems like you're giving these guys a pass for their behavior. Nobody is saying that an unexpected pregnancy is easy, or something that anyone EVER wants to deal with, let alone in the beginning of a new relationship. But that doesn't give a guy the right to recoil from his partner like she has the plague, and to treat her like it's all her fault and how could she possibly have done this to the poor lad!?! No one expects the men (or women) in these situations to just roll with the punches la-de-da. But when you willingly have sex with a woman, you have to accept that one of the consequences of that may be an unwanted pregnancy. It's life. It sucks, but it has to be dealt with and it's NOT the woman's responsibility to deal with it alone or feel badly about it just because she is the one who unfortunately has to carry the pregnancy.

April 10, 2010

Sad story.

Here is my opinion.

It is absolutely irresponsible to bring a child into this world that can't be supported properly by the parents. I see many young women around me dating some guy and barely can afford their living expense but bring a baby into the world. This child is going to have a tough life as mom and dad cant afford how to care properly for him. I think it is unfair to the child to bring them into a world of poverty.

This is not a personal attack towards anyone, just my outlook.

April 10, 2010

1. If a girl would even think about ever having an abortion, we would not be dating in the first place.

So it is more cruel to let someone live then to kill them? Amazing you think that way. Babe Ruth, Bo Diddley, Dave Thomas (founded Wendy's), and many other people went on to do great things but could have easily been aborted. They all would tell you that they were real human beings not zygote (as you so disgustingly call a child), and are forever greatful their parents did not kill them before they ever saw the light of day. An abortion terminates life, no matter what kind of disrespectful scientific name you call a child, it's still a child.

2. You support abortion, but you care about emotional abuse, if that isn't double talk I don't know what is. Emotional abuse cannot not even compare to killing an innocent child.

If she tried to abort a child that was between myself and her, we would be in court. No emotional abuse involved, I would take every legal measure possible to stop her. It isn't the child's fault two people have sex, and I would owe it to the child to make sure it lived to make it's own choices and enjoy the world just I have.

If you care that much, then, why not abstain completely from vaginal intercourse unless one of you is completely infertile (hysterectomy, etc?), or you are able to keep the child and give it the sort of love and care it deserves? I care enough about the unborn 'children' to not ever put myself in a position where I can possibly have an unwanted child - I don't have vaginal sex until both me and the guy are able and ready to keep the child if necessary. How about you?

We could argue until the cows come home about whether or not it's worse to abort or leave the child with an orphanage/adopted parents - but when it comes down to the crunch, both are pretty darn bad choices and should be avoided if at all necessary.

I said nothing about your choice being wrong, only that you should discuss this with a girl before having sex with her. 'If a girl would even think about ever having an abortion, we would not be dating in the first place.' -- really? Do you obtain all potential dates' views on abortion before dating them? If so, then, great, at least the situation which I mentioned previously never needs to happen.

Again, let me reiterate - all I am saying is that you should inform a girl of your views and be alright with not having intercourse if she does not want to end up carrying a baby to term and sending it away.

Also, honey, I'm sorry you think a 'zygote' is a disrespectful/disgusting way of referring to a 'baby' in the first stage of conception, because it's what it is. 'Zygote' does not imply that there is no potential of life, it's just a scientific term. Hopefully you don't find issue with 'cadaver', 'pediatric' and 'geriatric' as being disrespectful as well??

Edited April 10, 2010 by Elswyth

April 10, 2010

I happened to browse through this thread again, so I'd like to clarify something. I believe abortion is a personal choice, and I have nothing against those of you who choose to have protected sex with the option of abortion should accidents occur. However, I simply find it hypocrisy of the highest degree if a man who is so greatly against abortion to the point of bringing his gf to court over it, is unwilling to give up vaginal sex to prevent the possibility of such a thing from occuring. It's as if to him, his sexual pleasure is more important than the life of an unborn child, which is, to him, more important than the potential lack of love and care for a born child.

April 10, 2010

1.If you care that much, then, why not abstain completely from vaginal intercourse unless one of you is completely infertile (hysterectomy, etc?), or you are able to keep the child and give it the sort of love and care it deserves? I care enough about the unborn 'children' to not ever put myself in a position where I can possibly have an unwanted child - I don't have vaginal sex until both me and the guy are able and ready to keep the child if necessary. How about you?

2. We could argue until the cows come home about whether or not it's worse to abort or leave the child with an orphanage/adopted parents - but when it comes down to the crunch, both are pretty darn bad choices and should be avoided if at all necessary.

3. Again, let me reiterate - all I am saying is that you should inform a girl of your views and be alright with not having intercourse if she does not want to end up carrying a baby to term and sending it away.

4. Also, honey, I'm sorry you think a 'zygote' is a disrespectful/disgusting way of referring to a 'baby' in the first stage of conception, because it's what it is. 'Zygote' does not imply that there is no potential of life, it's just a scientific term. Hopefully you don't find issue with 'cadaver', 'pediatric' and 'geriatric' as being disrespectful as well??

1. I already said I wouldn't date a girl that would have an abortion so why would I sleep with her? With the kind of girls I usually date, I would be shocked if they were pro choice let alone actually have an abortion themselves.

2. What argument is there? If life means nothing to you, then kill the child. If you value it, then save it for someone else to love.

3. No problem. But like I said, if she saw abortion as an option I would bolt well before sex ever happened.

4. You used it disrespectfully as if to say that aborted children aren't children, they are just a scientific name and have no human worth or value. Whether someone is killed in the womb by a doctor, or dies in a car accident at age 50. They both lived and they both died as human beings.

April 10, 2010

Another good point. Give it up for adoption if you can't afford it. A child needs to have a solid foundation to start life from.

April 11, 2010

1. I already said I wouldn't date a girl that would have an abortion so why would I sleep with her? With the kind of girls I usually date, I would be shocked if they were pro choice let alone actually have an abortion themselves.

2. What argument is there? If life means nothing to you, then kill the child. If you value it, then save it for someone else to love.

You are mistaken in thinking that adopted children all lead happy and loved lives... that is often not the case. You can guarantee that you yourself will take good care of your own child - but there is no guarantee that someone else will. And even if the person does, it has been proven that children growing up without biological parents usually will have trouble accepting that fact at least during some parts of their lives. Some recover and grow up to live a great life - and some don't. Also, orphanages and centres are overflowing with unwanted children in many countries at the moment - why add to that?

I ask you again, if you dated a girl who said she didn't want to abort a child, and because of that she didn't want to have sexual intercourse with you to prevent the chance of getting pregnant, what would you do?

3. No problem. But like I said, if she saw abortion as an option I would bolt well before sex ever happened.

4. You used it disrespectfully as if to say that aborted children aren't children, they are just a scientific name and have no human worth or value. Whether someone is killed in the womb by a doctor, or dies in a car accident at age 50. They both lived and they both died as human beings.

You are only assuming that I said a zygote was of no value. Where did I ever say that? I simply dislike using wrong scientific terms - the fertilization of egg with sperm produces a zygote, not a baby, not a fetus. They're simply different scientific terms for different stages of development.

I find it funny how you think I have no problems with performing an abortion, when I'm doing more to avoid one in my own life than you are. The only difference is that I respect the rights of others to make their own decisions. If your girlfriend ever changes her mind when she gets pregnant and does decide to abort, frankly, there is not a damned thing you can do about it. AFAIK, in any country in which abortion is legal, no court recognizes the father's claim if the mother wishes to abort, especially if they are unmarried. And even if they do produce a ruling, there are plenty of things women can do without medical assistance that will virtually ensure a miscarriage.

Edited April 11, 2010 by Elswyth

April 11, 2010

1. You are mistaken in thinking that adopted children all lead happy and loved lives.

2. I ask you again, if you dated a girl who said she didn't want to abort a child, and because of that she didn't want to have sexual intercourse with you to prevent the chance of getting pregnant, what would you do?

3. You are only assuming that I said a zygote was of no value.

4. I find it funny how you think I have no problems with performing an abortion, when I'm doing more to avoid one in my own life than you are. The only difference is that I respect the rights of others to make their own decisions. If your girlfriend ever changes her mind when she gets pregnant and does decide to abort, frankly, there is not a damned thing you can do about it. AFAIK, in any country in which abortion is legal, no court recognizes the father's claim if the mother wishes to abort, especially if they are unmarried. And even if they do produce a ruling, there are plenty of things women can do without medical assistance that will virtually ensure a miscarriage.

1. Then why date or get married? Everyone does not have great relationships, so just avoid them altogether. How dumb does that sound? Children in the womb have as much right to live as you or I. If someone kills me, they are wrong and are called a murderer. Killing a child in his mother's womb is no different.

2. I would date a girl who was a virgin by oath (and have known many) until marriage, so the answer is I would wait.

3. You didn't have to say it word for word. The way you used it was all that was needed.

4. Whethere there is anything I can do about it or not, I would try. I believe in God, and I believe in a life after this one. One day when I die I would see that child that was murdered and God, and I would know that I tried everything I could to give the child life. The child's blood would not be on my hands. If she kills the child, it would be 100% against my will.

I was unaware that fathers had no say in abortion, if that is true it is a tragic injustice. How could the termination of a child be a decision by the mother only? How is that justice?

April 11, 2010

1. Then why date or get married? Everyone does not have great relationships, so just avoid them altogether. How dumb does that sound? Children in the womb have as much right to live as you or I. If someone kills me, they are wrong and are called a murderer. Killing a child in his mother's womb is no different.

If you date a rapist, your chances of having a happy relationship is far lower. Equally so, if a child is sent to an orphanage or adoption centre, the chance of him/her growing up with a happy childhood will be lower than that if his/her biological parents took care of him with love. Obviously, the best solution if you believe in that, is to not risk having children until you are ready so that they will not only live, but have a high chance of a happy childhood. I'm glad you made the decision to abstain. I have seen far too many men who protest against the legality of abortion but would dump a girl if she didn't have intercourse with him in a fixed amount of time.

I was unaware that fathers had no say in abortion, if that is true it is a tragic injustice. How could the termination of a child be a decision by the mother only? How is that justice?

Uh. You mustn't have read a lot about abortion? Part of the reason why some men protest is that the woman has carte blanche (in countries where abortion is legal) to decide whether or not the abortion occurs - and if they decide against it, the man is often beholden to pay child support whether he likes it or not. Apparently it's a mockery of male rights or something, don't quite know how they put it. Anyway, I'm not sure about the proceedings if the couple is married, but if they're unmarried I'm pretty sure the woman gets to decide.

Which is why I find men who are so strongly against abortion but insist on premarital intercourse, so silly.

April 11, 2010

I got pregnant soon after getting engaged to my then fiance. I did not want children, nor was I in any position to carry a child to term. My fiance realized that we were not ready for children, though he did want them in the future. While he didn't like it (neither did I), he went along with my decision to terminate the pregnancy. He knew it was his child, and he knew we could not have a child at the time. But for some reason, I think he really lost respect for me afterwards. Like how could I have aborted HIS child. It was an ego thing, I guess. Anyway, we stayed together for another year- never got married, which turned out for the best.

April 11, 2010

If you date a rapist, your chances of having a happy relationship is far lower. Equally so, if a child is sent to an orphanage or adoption centre, the chance of him/her growing up with a happy childhood will be lower than that if his/her biological parents took care of him with love. Obviously, the best solution if you believe in that, is to not risk having children until you are ready so that they will not only live, but have a high chance of a happy childhood. I'm glad you made the decision to abstain. I have seen far too many men who protest against the legality of abortion but would dump a girl if she didn't have intercourse with him in a fixed amount of time.

Uh. You mustn't have read a lot about abortion? Part of the reason why some men protest is that the woman has carte blanche (in countries where abortion is legal) to decide whether or not the abortion occurs - and if they decide against it, the man is often beholden to pay child support whether he likes it or not. Apparently it's a mockery of male rights or something, don't quite know how they put it. Anyway, I'm not sure about the proceedings if the couple is married, but if they're unmarried I'm pretty sure the woman gets to decide.

Which is why I find men who are so strongly against abortion but insist on premarital intercourse, so silly.

Adoption creates issues, but in the case of my birthparents chances are I would be far more miserable now had I been kept with them. Birthmother was a coke user and abused alcohol WHILE she was pregnant with me, working a dead end gas station job.

It's created quite a few issues for me, but had I grown up with them, things would have been far worse. I think they knew that and gave me up for adoption for that reason.

Edited April 11, 2010 by Engadget

April 11, 2010

Adoption creates issues, but in the case of my birthparents chances are I would be far more miserable now had I been kept with them. Birthmother was a coke user and abused alcohol WHILE she was pregnant with me, working a dead end gas station job.

It's created quite a few issues for me, but had I grown up with them, things would have been far worse. I think they knew that and gave me up for adoption for that reason.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I agree that adoption is better if the parents are unable to take care of the child. But the ideal solution would have been her cleaning up her act before having you, no?

April 12, 2010

I'm sorry that happened to you. I agree that adoption is better if the parents are unable to take care of the child. But the ideal solution would have been her cleaning up her act before having you, no?

Yes, or being more ready for it in general. I wouldn't have kids until everything was set and ready.

April 12, 2010

I went through this thread very quickly and noticed some of the posters have had abortions, or have been involved in one. My suggestion from experience is to get post abortion councelling, as abortion begins to turn into a birth control method....also the suicide rate/thoughts are extremely high in these situations.

I'm really sad that men have no say so what so ever concerning if gf/w has an abortion, the baby is his too, actually fathers have little rights period.

Sign In

Mens reaction to abortion...

Recommended Posts

t0ri

shadowplay

shadowplay

t0ri

shadowplay

carhill

Star Gazer

make me believe

Mr White

melodymatters

melodymatters

make me believe

Pfiend101

Els

Els

sagetalk

Pfiend101

Els

sagetalk

Els

lolapalooza

Engadget

Els

Engadget

pureinheart

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...