Mens reaction to abortion...

[melodymatters]

This has nothing to do with being pro-choice or not, and is not relevant to situations where men WANT to have the baby and the woman aborts against their will.

 

This is about the more common scenario, where both parties agree that a pregnancy isn't emotionally, financially, or mentally viable.

 

And yes, it was inspired by another posters thread.

 

I think that this very sad and heartbreaking situation seperates the Men from the boys.

 

A healthy man talks it out with his partner, and if they come to the decision, he does NOT hold it against her. He does not suddenly start looking at her as an alien creature that could, GASP, bring a sense of sucky reality to HIS precious Peter Pan existance.

 

I have never told this story to anyone.

 

When I was 30 yrs old, I was newly divorced from an alcoholic, abusive partner and had a two yr old child. I was supporting us alone, while back in college full time, and starting a business that is stll going to this day.

 

Around the same time, I got a call from my high school sweetheart who was back in town, hospitilized and deathly ill from a virus of the heart ( bacterial endocarditis) that required a mechanical valve and a long recovery.

 

And oh yeah, my mom had just been diagnosed with ovarian cancer.

 

I took care of everybody and did what needed to be done. I think I weighed 90 lbs and seldom slept, but everybody was taken care of, everybody was getting better, and my HS sweetheart and I fell back in "love".

 

Or so I thought.

 

 

Oh, it seemed " magical" at the time. He had been a rock musician and never big on the warm and fuzzies, but we were " grown ups" now, and we made beautiful plans for a future.

 

Then I got pregnant.

 

Suddenly I was the " Other", some THING that would suck his new post recovery joy from him. He didn't break up, he was going to " be there for me", but everything changed in the blink of that plus sign on the pregnancy test.

 

Yes, it was horrible timing, and neither could really afford a baby, and I was doing my best by my then 2 yr old at the time.

 

But It showed his immaturity, it showed how something that happened to " us" could change the way he felt about me.

 

It showed his selfishness. He was a boy, not a Man.

 

I broke up with him, didn't need his lukewarm handholding and went through it myself.

 

The recent thread, and it's "sudden" ending, has made me think that this is much more common than anyone believes it is.

 

It may take two to make an embryo, but it seems that the one carrying it becomes a frightening " Sh*t, life might not always go my way" reminder....for the immature.

 

Any thoughts, stories, or opinions on this ?

[threebyfate]

I don't have any stories to share beyond feeling sad for you.

 

((mel))

[TouchedByViolet]

A truly sad story

[melodymatters]

You guys !!! Big love and thanks for your compassion !

 

But, the only reason I shared this sad story was to bring home my "point".

 

I see something similar happening in another thread, and that got me back in touch with what happened to me 12 yrs ago.

 

I am over any pain, but it I am NOT over giving the situation due process, and I DO think that sometimes supposedly enlightened males and females can talk the talk, I was just wondering if walking the walk was perhaps different than we would like it to be.

[Engadget]

If I loved a girl and she loved me, and she had an abortion without even telling me...I'd probably snap. I mean if there's huge issues with the guy, he's abusive, it was a rape, he wants nothing to do with you, then I understand fully.

 

It is ultimately the woman's choice, but if say my gf/wife had an abortion without even telling me...that would be awful.

[Woggle]

It is not just about abortion. Men just do not like drama and will do anything to avoid it. In the other thread it seems like a multitude of problems that led to the demise of the relationship. We have our own reasons for ending relationships.

[threebyfate]

Do people read the opening posts or do they just read the title of the thread?

[Lauriebell82]

If I loved a girl and she loved me, and she had an abortion without even telling me...I'd probably snap. I mean if there's huge issues with the guy, he's abusive, it was a rape, he wants nothing to do with you, then I understand fully.

 

It is ultimately the woman's choice, but if say my gf/wife had an abortion without even telling me...that would be awful.

 

I don't think that's what Melody is talking about in this thread...

 

Anyway, hugs to you Melody, that is a very sad story. More power to you for getting through it. It just made you stronger in the long run!!!

[Jerry18]

I don't really care. It's her choice. If I have to pay then I'll give her the money.

[melodymatters]

I don't really care. It's her choice. If I have to pay then I'll give her the money.

 

 

OK, that's a flippant answer, but forget the finances, is it going to affect your relationship? The way you look at her ? At your life ?

 

(If you're just going to be all trolly and " No b*tches, be keepin me down", then I retract my honest question)

[Jerry18]

OK, that's a flippant answer, but forget the finances, is it going to affect your relationship? The way you look at her ? At your life ?

 

(If you're just going to be all trolly and " No b*tches, be keepin me down", then I retract my honest question)

 

It probably wouldn't have a long-term affect on our relationship.

 

I don't see unborn "babies" as sentinel beings. So it's not like I'll have regrets or anything.

 

But, I do want to have kids, but definitely I need to be married to do that.

[sagetalk]

I'm not really sure of the point to your post, maybe you're just venting. I'll try to answer it the best I can.

 

To me, abortion is one of the most horrific things that happens in this world. When an almost unspeakable horror (being destroyed at your parents wish) happens to someone who is 100% blameless and innocent (the child), it is almost unbearable for me to think about. The corporations that preform these procedures are monsters that prey on young girls who are in near hopeless situations and make billions laughing all the way to the bank. It is so disgusting and they hide behind the women's rights movement which is such a sick joke.

 

Pro-choice is just a corporation driven movement to make tons of money off girl's poor decisions and grossly devalues the life of a human being. They could care less about women and their rights.

 

If I knew a girl or was dating her and we couldn't pay for the child, I would want her to put it up for adoption. Abortion should never be an option unless the mother would die from the birth, and even then, I hate it still.

 

The key is to choose men who will be with you and stand by you, men with character. So few women actually choose these types of guys that it swells the number of abortions because these loser guys won't act like real men. They just want to have sex like one. I could rant about this topic forever.

 

If this happened to you, I'm sorry to hear it. I hope that you will share your experience with other girls and tell them how important it is to only have sexual relationships with men who have proven their devotion, good character, and loyalty.

[Engadget]

Do people read the opening posts or do they just read the title of the thread?

 

Just the title, I don't know her so there's no point in commenting on her situation.

[JustJoe]

MM, this has happened to me, and I was surprised that it didn't affect my feelings for her at all. If anything it made us closer. I was not there for her (deployed) so she had to face the decision and it's aftermath alone. I wanted more than anything to be there for her (and I really mean BE THERE FOR HER) but I could not. I gave her my best advice and ALL of my love, and that didn't change after the abortion.

[Ruby Slippers]

OP, I agree with what you are saying to an extent.

 

But... Couples at greater risk of breakup after pregnancy loss.

 

In a study of more than 3,700 U.S. married or cohabitating couples who'd had at least one pregnancy, researchers found that those who'd suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth were more likely to break up in subsequent years than couples who had a baby.

 

Specifically, couples who had a miscarriage (the loss of a fetus before the 20th week of pregnancy) were 22 percent more likely than those who had a live birth to separate during the 15-year study period. With stillbirth (loss of a fetus after 20 weeks but before birth), the risk was 40 percent greater.

 

This study just covers miscarriages and stillbirths, but I wouldn't be surprised if trends were similar in cases of abortion.

 

Humans are animals, and failed pregnancies are the opposite of reproductive success, which at the most instinctual level is what it's all about. So I'm not surprised that a lot of people confuse their mind's rejection of the situation with their heart's.

[ecko280]

My ex of 7 months had a abortion. We both agree to it. However, if she wanted to keep the baby, i would have been more then happy to have the baby and support her in any way. It did not change the way i looked at her. She broke up with me and i still love her at the time.

[Els]

I'm not really sure of the point to your post, maybe you're just venting. I'll try to answer it the best I can.

 

To me, abortion is one of the most horrific things that happens in this world. When an almost unspeakable horror (being destroyed at your parents wish) happens to someone who is 100% blameless and innocent (the child), it is almost unbearable for me to think about. The corporations that preform these procedures are monsters that prey on young girls who are in near hopeless situations and make billions laughing all the way to the bank. It is so disgusting and they hide behind the women's rights movement which is such a sick joke.

 

Pro-choice is just a corporation driven movement to make tons of money off girl's poor decisions and grossly devalues the life of a human being. They could care less about women and their rights.

 

If I knew a girl or was dating her and we couldn't pay for the child, I would want her to put it up for adoption. Abortion should never be an option unless the mother would die from the birth, and even then, I hate it still.

 

The key is to choose men who will be with you and stand by you, men with character. So few women actually choose these types of guys that it swells the number of abortions because these loser guys won't act like real men. They just want to have sex like one. I could rant about this topic forever.

 

If this happened to you, I'm sorry to hear it. I hope that you will share your experience with other girls and tell them how important it is to only have sexual relationships with men who have proven their devotion, good character, and loyalty.

 

I truly hope you will share your views with a potential gf before having intercourse with her, then, and be prepared for her not wanting to have intercourse with you before you are both prepared to have children, if she decides she doesn't want to go through labour and pregnancy and put her own flesh and blood up for adoption when it's birthed. I'm honestly not sure what's more cruel, a child growing up never knowing his/her parents and feeling unwanted (especially if nobody wants to adopt him/her from the orphanage, or the adopted parents change their mind), or a zygote destroyed. But I digress. Point being, I hope you won't have sex, and THEN when the girl gets pregnant you tell her that you'll dump her if she decides to abort. That's emotional abuse and irresponsibility of the highest degree.

[sagetalk]

 

1. I truly hope you will share your views with a potential gf before having intercourse with her, then, and be prepared for her not wanting to have intercourse with you before you are both prepared to have children, if she decides she doesn't want to go through labour and pregnancy and put her own flesh and blood up for adoption when it's birthed. I'm honestly not sure what's more cruel, a child growing up never knowing his/her parents and feeling unwanted (especially if nobody wants to adopt him/her from the orphanage, or the adopted parents change their mind), or a zygote destroyed.

 

2. But I digress. Point being, I hope you won't have sex, and THEN when the girl gets pregnant you tell her that you'll dump her if she decides to abort. That's emotional abuse and irresponsibility of the highest degree.

 

1. If a girl would even think about ever having an abortion, we would not be dating in the first place.

 

So it is more cruel to let someone live then to kill them? Amazing you think that way. Babe Ruth, Bo Diddley, Dave Thomas (founded Wendy's), and many other people went on to do great things but could have easily been aborted. They all would tell you that they were real human beings not zygote (as you so disgustingly call a child), and are forever greatful their parents did not kill them before they ever saw the light of day. An abortion terminates life, no matter what kind of disrespectful scientific name you call a child, it's still a child.

 

2. You support abortion, but you care about emotional abuse, if that isn't double talk I don't know what is. Emotional abuse cannot not even compare to killing an innocent child.

 

If she tried to abort a child that was between myself and her, we would be in court. No emotional abuse involved, I would take every legal measure possible to stop her. It isn't the child's fault two people have sex, and I would owe it to the child to make sure it lived to make it's own choices and enjoy the world just I have.

[linwood]

...Dave Thomas (founded Wendy's),

 

 

That guy should have been aborted.

 

Have you ever eaten at Wendys?!!

The world would be a better place without it.

[sally4sara]

That guy should have been aborted.

 

Have you ever eaten at Wendys?!!

The world would be a better place without it.

 

Actually he was a fairly nice guy, but he raised a horribly self absorbed and spoiled son.

[t0ri]

I can relate to your story, Melody.

 

When I found out I was pregnant with my ex's child, the entire relationship changed. It pushed him away, and made me more attached.

 

I remember a week or two after finding out I was pregnant, my car wouldn't start so I had to walk a long distance home because my boyfriend didn't want to pick me up (he was my only other option at the time). He would have never let me walk home before we had learned I was pregnant. He also claimed he'd "be there for me," but wasn't at all. He began wanting more time with his friends, didn't care to see me, hated to hang out at my place, etc. Just became more and more distant.

 

I had a miscarriage, but it did seem that my getting pregnant changed his feelings for me. Before the "plus sign," I was his "everything," and IMMEDIATELY afterward, I seemed to just be a hassle to him. He was immature, and we didn't last. (Thank GOD). But yes, the "plus sign" was the exact moment that entire relationship began to fail. Not entirely sure why.

[shadowplay]

I just saw this thread, MM. I'm truly sorry for what happened to you. That completely and utterly blows. I often think that most (though not all) people will do the selfish thing and cut run, rather than be mature and work things out when things get rough. Especially young people. Doesn't matter if what happens isn't anybody's fault. Usually they will somehow convince themselves that it is the other person's fault to avoid admitting to themselves that they're a coward. Many people are unable to rise above their primal origins.

 

I still don't know if my ex's sudden 180 was related to the abortion. I suspect it was a combination of that and his dysfunctional family dynamic. He denies it, but I don't think he even understands his own feelings, and, he would NEVER, ever admit to himself that that was the reason...since it's such a crappy reason to dump somebody. Not that the reason he gave is much better, but at least it allows him to rationalize it.

 

My boyfriend before him did something similar with the abortion I had two years ago. He gave me no support. I remember the day before crying in the car because I was scared, and he simply got out and left me alone with the line, "every time you cry, I care less."

[sally4sara]

I know what that plus sign meant to my now ex-husband. It meant I was trapped and he could treat me as badly as he wanted. This was after he sabotaged the condoms to get me pregnant in an effort to keep me from leaving.

[shadowplay]

I can relate to your story, Melody.

 

When I found out I was pregnant with my ex's child, the entire relationship changed. It pushed him away, and made me more attached.

 

I remember a week or two after finding out I was pregnant, my car wouldn't start so I had to walk a long distance home because my boyfriend didn't want to pick me up (he was my only other option at the time). He would have never let me walk home before we had learned I was pregnant. He also claimed he'd "be there for me," but wasn't at all. He began wanting more time with his friends, didn't care to see me, hated to hang out at my place, etc. Just became more and more distant.

 

I had a miscarriage, but it did seem that my getting pregnant changed his feelings for me. Before the "plus sign," I was his "everything," and IMMEDIATELY afterward, I seemed to just be a hassle to him. He was immature, and we didn't last. (Thank GOD). But yes, the "plus sign" was the exact moment that entire relationship began to fail. Not entirely sure why.

 

Before you miscarried were you planning on an abortion or did you tell him you were keeping the child?

[make me believe]

I had an abortion a couple of years ago, and the father was a guy that I was exclusively dating, but not super serious about. We were only together for a few months. He was more serious about me than I was about him. I never considered having that baby, and I don't think he did either. He didn't think differently about me afterwards (that I know of, and we still talk occasionally to this day), and our subsequent break-up had nothing to do with the abortion. (I broke up with him because he was too serious about me.)

 

Unfortunately I am now pregnant again, and have another abortion scheduled for Thursday. My current boyfriend and I are in a VERY serious committed relationship that will ultimately lead to marriage. If I was going to have a baby with anyone, it would be with him. However, I don't know if I want a baby EVER, let alone right now. (And before anyone jumps on me -- the first pregnancy was due to sheer stupidity. This one is due to the condom apparently breaking, although neither of us can think of the specific incident when that occured, which is super annoying!)

 

I can not imagine my boyfriend thinking differently about me for this situation. He takes responsibility for it, has been incredibly supportive, and is always asking me what he can do to make things easier for me.

 

It makes me LIVID to know that a guy can get a girl pregnant and even agree she should abort and then turn on her afterwards. That is repulsive and I truly feel for any woman who finds herself in that situation.