Tail between my legs...

[alg24]

Hi everyone... Not looking for judgement. Fooled once- not very proud of

 

myself but I am doing okay... I feel like an idiot posting a thread again. Isn't

 

insanity doing the same thing over and expecting different results?

 

 

I let him back into my life a little... I know he is going through a lot of bad

 

stuff.. He has been staying home but in the guest room. Soon to be exW

 

wants nothing to do with him (can't blame her) and I know for a fact she is

 

preparing paperwork and getting ready to file before he leaves. (He

 

thankfully is leaving in a couple weeks, month max.) I need to stay here for

 

at least another week and a half- two weeks.

 

 

Anyway I know things are so beyond toxic. And the way he treated me last

 

year (where he would look at me that certain way, go out of his way to help

 

me/be with me, tell me he cares/loves) is gone and never coming back. He

 

is so beyond verbally abusive and just nasty... I have been working with

 

someone... He tells me I need to value myself... Take care of ME. I think

 

this relationship, actually I know, is me trying to fill a void somewheres. But

 

as messed up and crazy as it sounds I really do care about him. Perhaps its

 

me being young and stupid. But I miss his smile, the way he smells, his

 

touches, the way he makes me laugh... I miss him....

 

 

Monday was a great day... We have been arguing a lot though... Tuesday

 

afternoon he freaked at me... He saw me driving and stopped (before that

 

he sent me a text he would see me at the barn (his barn) in the AM (wanted

 

me to help him ride horses) I didn't reply and then ran into him. He was so

 

nasty... Telling me he doesn't feel well and bad day for him. I called him

 

after and he freaked. "What do I want from him? He does not want to be

 

with me. Tell me what I want..." The next day I had a awful panic attack and

 

called/texted him... He never called me back and an hour later left me a

 

voicemail ''VERY bad week for me... I do not want to see you. Not today,

 

tomorrow, this weekend, not this week. I do not want to see you.'' Then he

 

told me again later the same thing but intensified. Called me around 6PM a

 

bunch of times. Finally answered. Accused me of harassing his W...

 

Someone I guess had been texting her from a california number... Really

 

awful things... I would never do such a thing and she of all people truly does

 

not deserve that... So we got in a huge fight... He told me he is done with

 

me, really this time, and he does not want any problem sh** girls in his life

 

anymore. He never wants to see my face again.

 

 

Today I stopped by his barn to get my stuff (I had almost $400 worth of

 

stuff and wasn't going to left it and did NOT want to play the game in a week

 

I need my stuff. I knew it was get it today or never get it) He freaked at

 

me. I told him I just wanted my stuff. He told me fine. He got it. We got in a

 

fight. He told me he does not love me. Does not want to be with me. Get out

 

of his life.

 

 

So yea... I know what everyone will say. Maybe I am crazy..? It does not

 

matter what MM thinks but I think it is really done for him this time which

 

will help me at least in the beginning...Then he will be gone and much easier

 

for me. Does that make sense? I really do want it done but it hurts... And I

 

am alone... He knows my buttons... How to push me... Man, I was doing so

 

well. I truly do not think he will call me in the next couple weeks, which

 

shouldn't matter, but then I will be gone. After everything he said I could not

 

be physical with him (truly could not) but he knows how to make me cave.

 

 

How can he hold me in his arms Monday? Tuesday tell me "of course its my

 

problem because your my baby"(in regards to me telling him I am not

 

sleeping well and its not his problem) And tell me he wants to see me later..

 

Gave me a kiss on my forehead... Then just freak. Is he that much of a

 

player or just so sick? Any man after sex or whatever would be so beyond

 

stupid to keep coming back to this. No sex or attention good or bad is worth

 

the problems we have... Why do I keep going back? Because as sick as it

 

sounds I really do care about him...

 

 

I told him today that he ruined my life... (herpes and abortion) Said he did

 

not ruin my life and its not his problem. I am calm now but haven't touched

 

food in three days... Going to dinner with a friend tonight... The worse thing

 

is this town is so dead quiet now. I live alone. And our barns are very close

 

together. Driving from the show today I passed him driving then driving

 

somewhere again I passed him (would have been impossible for me to know

 

his schedule) Just sucks!

 

 

Thank you everyone... Please nothing harsh...

 

The other thing that drives me crazy is that extra phone is on.. I know it

 

should not matter but I just wish he would turn it off and break it... I control

 

the prepaid phone so he does not use it for anyone else... it should not

 

matter but its honestly how I feel

 

 

thanks everyone.

[whichwayisup]

You miss how he made you feel, you miss the fantasy of who you created him to be.

 

Reality is, he SUCKS. Reality is, you two are aren't meant to be together, even though he makes your heart go boom-boom.

 

Don't let him manipulate you, do your best to NOT care. Big flippin' deal that he's going through something rough, or he's in the guest room. How do you "know for a fact"?

 

Glad you're being honest with yourself..

 

Just know that you can and will get over this. Even if it means you slip and get hurt abit more, eventually you just won't care enough to bother.

[Heather1]

sweetie....he's manic. You don't know up from down & you never will w/ him. You can overanalyze it until the cows come home, but he's got a mental illness that's making you crazy, not him.

Did I tell you to look up narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)? He's going to take everyone down he can.

[califnan]

Hi ALG ... It sounds as if he is going through a spiritual warfare (confusion) .. regarding the divorce and all ..

 

You can see from your panic attack (when he was not there for you) .. that this is all about him .. in his mind ..

 

I so wish you would take this period of his initiated NC .. to completely release your poor heart from him .. You were born a Whole Beautiful woman .. and you Do Not deserve this!

 

P.S. Always post any threads to advise us how you are doing... We are Here For You.

[2sunny]

the only word that comes to mind is TOXIC. he is toxic. why would you put up with that even for a minute?

 

and FWIW - the definition of insanity is an abnormal mental condition.

 

the description you gave is often referred to as stupidity.

[Heather1]

I think she's been using her own willpower to get out of the relationship, without actually sticking to NC. So let's call it something else....NC sounds so final for you & it's not working. What can we call it so you can detach & have him not sucker you back in? We might actually have to start a program for you! (me too, but I get a chip for time now). Just go with the one day @ a time & see if you can put a few hours/days/weeks together. Whenever we split, I add the hours up. So I say, I'll give myself 500 hours before he hears a peep out of me. So @ 500 hours, I see if I even want to ever talk to him. This time I didn't (I waited for around 600 hours and sent a small note, no reply). So now I'm up to 240 hours since the email, but over 800 since communication. I know, pathetic, but it's better than diving back in huh? I also hate losing & not having self control, so this has been a good method for me cuz I beat myself up more for not making it to the 500 then for the actual contact. And yes.....I always buy myself a little treat if I make it!! Like a f-him gift that makes me happy!!!! All my best....

[fooled once]

Oh Alg.......

 

I told you -- email me, get in touch with me, I am here for you.

 

I am so sorry you are staying on this rollercoaster.

 

He will call you again. You will answer. He will want to see you again, you will let him. You won't stop until he hurts you badly (physically) or you truly realize what a collassal mistake he is and you want better for yourself. You are so young, he is so abusive.... I hope you find clarity soon and that you get yourself some help.

 

(((hugs)))

 

Take care hon.

[alg24]

Hey everyone.. I will reply more letting.. Running late for a dinner (with a good GIRL friend) But fooled once please do not say that... I do not think he is coming back and I am staying strong... Or attempting... NC was broken by him... And I just fell into it.. I was doing very well... Ughh... Will write more later. I am hoping he will leave me alone. IF he leaves me alone I do stay strong enough to NOT contact him. Its when he contacts me I avoid a little then get weak. He leaves soon (less than a month) and is dealing with so much that hopefully he will realize he needs to leave me alone. Then when he is gone I can rebuild myself. Don't they ever have enough? Especially since he is so much older? Will write more soon..

 

xoxo everyone

[alg24]

Hi everyone...

 

I know he and his W are finished and 100% sure he is sleeping in guest room. Her and I have had contact and she has made it very clear to me she wants nothing to do with him unless its regarding the children. She hates having him in the house and puts her in a bad mood. Its not my business and honestly I do feel bad for her.

 

Its just, well was, a toxic screwed up relationship. I think about our fights-- he would ask me why I wanted to stay with him. I told him it was just so hard to walk away. He would constantly ask me what I wanted...

 

Its done and I need to let it sink in, keep busy... I need to go cold turkey. He does not want to speak to me, so it helps. I know myself this time- after today I will not call/text him. I am beyond hurt but not as quick to call/text this time. I see how cold and heartless he really is- it isn't worth calling/texting him. He turned off the cell phone we had together.... I requested that. It isn't my business anymore.

 

But it just hurts...

[alg24]

Also let me mention my heart does not go boom-boom for him anymore. I still have the attraction to him (of course) but its more of a comfortable thing... I just miss him... It hurts.

 

But it wasn't the same anymore... And I think I wanted what it us to be (looongg time ago) When he wanted me, was crazy for me, and would do anything for me. He didn't look at me the same anymore... Or touch me the same.... Sometimes I would see it a little.. But it was all words and bull****. I know this time its done for him, of course does not matter, because he did not call to freak out at me today regarding my text messaging on his real phone. He just doesn't care anymore... Nor did he ever care.

[dannie19]

Helo alg24, don't feel bad about being back here posting, I'm still posting it's just not so black and white to get out of an affair and then heal, it's a process of ups and downs.

He does as another poster has mentioned sound somewhat naracistic, if you haven't already just read a bit about their typical behaviour. No point in trying to overanalyse his behaviour but some undersatnding may help you see this isn't personal against you, he's just a prat and all he cares about is making himself feel good, so at first he manipulated you to get you on side and now he is nasty to you, all just a reflection of how is feeling about himself most probably (No, don't feel sorry for him!). It's his personality and that's that. I can't add much to the already good advice you have been given and indeed great insight you display yourself. I think once he has gone for good in a couple of weeks it's going to be hard for you at first and you must start preparing for that now because deep down you know it will eventually turn out to be good thing. Maybe a jounal on here on lots of posting but better times are just around the corner along with the summer!

[alg24]

Hello everyone. And thank you for your advice and wisdom...

 

 

I did go for dinner with friends last night.Had not eaten in 2 1/2 days (minus orange juice)

 

really wasn't hungry but had a little to eat... I slept okay but this morning when I woke up

 

I was in tears. I am keeping my cell phone away from me... I must admit (its so beyond

 

wrong and shows I am not over this) I sent a blank text message to the verizon phone we

 

shared together (if it checks off, since I have verizon too, it will show he turned it back

 

on) I need to delete that text message but I just don't have the strength to even look at it.

 

I am starting to cry writing this... It hurts so bad everyone. I am trying to take this each

 

day... But I am in ruins. How can he be so sweet to me monday? Nevermind... its not

 

worth repeating...

 

 

A week ago he was telling me that he didn't want this over when he left for the summer

 

(I knew in my heart that when he left I would need to start no contact and heal) But he

 

told me he cared and wanted to see me. Truthfully, and I am not trying to stand up for

 

him or make excuses but I know how hard it is for him-- he is leaving in three weeks

 

and will not see his kids for six months unless he visits for a week in August, but still.

 

And the divorce and everything... As I said I am not making excuses but I do know he is

 

drowning... Not healthy to be around... The other week he came over to see. I was angry

 

at him and kept my distance. I do have a guest room in my apartment but he slept

 

in the same bed with me... In the morning he put his arms around me and just let out a

 

big sigh.. He then said his life is ****... I do not feel sorry for him, he has dug his own

 

grave, but his life is all over the map. And he has finally gotten rid of me... I was a

 

problem in his life... And I am sure he is happy I am gone.

 

 

It hurts so bad.

[alg24]

So stupid but every morning almost I use to bring him coffee and sometimes a muffin or something to work.. And I would help him ride a couple horses... And he just throw me out like nothing... I know I know... And we have broken it off and gotten back together a million times in the past with nasty fights... Then we took that month off and he tried... But it just hurts... I mean 2 years and 2 months... The promises, lies, and everything... How can he be so heartless? There is a way to end things with people... And screaming at them you do not love them, you do not care, you never want to see their face again... It just hurts... He knew I would do anything for him.

[DramaQueen]

So stupid but every morning almost I use to bring him coffee and sometimes a muffin or something to work.. And I would help him ride a couple horses... And he just throw me out like nothing... I know I know... And we have broken it off and gotten back together a million times in the past with nasty fights... Then we took that month off and he tried... But it just hurts... I mean 2 years and 2 months... The promises, lies, and everything... How can he be so heartless? There is a way to end things with people... And screaming at them you do not love them, you do not care, you never want to see their face again... It just hurts... He knew I would do anything for him.

 

 

Oh Alg24...hugs to you!!! I know the feeling so well. i am in my 4th year now, he's as nasty as hell, verbally abusing me with the worst things you can hear from someone you really love whenever we fight. Yeah, i asked myself too, how can he be so heartless and cruel? there's no answer to that. i dont believe if you really love a person, you can bring yourself to hurt someone so bad. it's not love, we are just "spares" to them. Please take care, he's not worth your while to be sad over, would he feel the same for you? does he feel any remorse or guilt for saying all the hurtful stuff to you? you think he will toss and turn in bed worrying over how he made you feel? i doubt it because i know mine doesnt. Cry, scream, shout, vent and do whatever to release all the hurt in you. i do that all the time. we just have to be strong to not let them hurt us again and again. Hugs again....

[BB07]

Alg........here is a big hug for you.

 

Something I'm getting from your posts is it seems like you are handing the responsibility over to him in saying it's over or it's not, is that right?

 

Hon if that is true, you've got to take it back, don't let him have that, it's your decision and you've got the power. Don't let the circumstances dictate the end......you can do it and you should do it. He is not good for you and he causes you more pain and harm than any good that could possibly ever come out of it. This is YOUR life, your happiness or your misery, it's your choice. Don't let him steal any more pieces of you. Alg there are times when someone can take parts of you away that you can't ever get back, don't let him do that to you...........please.

[fooled once]

Hang in there Alg ((hug)) It WILL get better!!

[Tommy's Girl]

Alg, It seems that sometimes I am the class bully here, so I am going to step up and dish out some tough love. Please understand I am not trying to be mean.

 

It seems like you do well on NC with you not contacting him, but you cave when he contacts you. I know I've read at least two times that you've responded to him, when you were otherwise doing fine.

 

You have to decide it's over, not him. He will ALWAYS try to contact you if you allow it. STOP ALLOWING HIM TO TREAT YOU THIS WAY. You asked why does he act the way he acts? Because you ALLOW it. Time after time, you allow it.

STOP.

Do you hear me?

STOP.

You cannot change the past. You cannot change what he's done, both good and bad. He's not going to change, he's not ever going to do anything different.

Now YOU do something different.

Block his phone number. Block all contact with him. Find a way to put a "wall" around yourself so that he cannot get to you.

 

Now be real. What is it that you really wanted with him? What was the endgame? Did you want him to marry you? What was it that you wanted? What was the perfect ending for you? Look at that, and then look at him, and see how unpractical and how fantastical that is.

 

You were doing so well. You can do it again, but you have to believe in yourself the way we believe in you.

 

JT, I haven't been here long but I love the posts I've read so far of yours. I wouldn't consider you a bully at all. This is very, very good advice. Tough love is ok. At least it is love. I just have to say too (sorry this is off subject) that I've joined discussion boards before where there is lot more name calling, judgements and cat fighting. I know there is a little of that here, but overall people are so caring and helpful. I came here very sad and hurt trying to make sense of my life. I read post and post and was so inspired. I didn't feel alone anymore. It helps so much to know that the things I've done aren't so crazy when so many others have been through it too.

[fooled once]

JT' date=' I haven't been here long but I love the posts I've read so far of yours. I wouldn't consider you a bully at all. This is very, very good advice. Tough love is ok. At least it is love. I just have to say too (sorry this is off subject) that I've joined discussion boards before where there is lot more name calling, judgements and cat fighting. I know there is a little of that here, but overall people are so caring and helpful. I came here very sad and hurt trying to make sense of my life. I read post and post and was so inspired. I didn't feel alone anymore. It helps so much to know that the things I've done aren't so crazy when so many others have been through it too.[/quote']

 

JT gives some of the best advice!!

[alg24]

Everyone thank-you above and beyond.

 

Yes, I will admit, I give him the option of ending it.

 

--I am a crying mess right now--

 

I truly want it done with us... I do miss him so much when we are apart but I do know its so beyond unhealthy and he is destroying me slowly... but the pain is so great... I think thats why I always went back... And he knows how to knock me down...

 

When we got back together he spoke so bad to me... Everything disgusting on the phone... He then asked me where I was. I told him I was sitting in my car at the barn, about to go do night check.. Long story short on the way home he convinced me to stop by his barn apartment. He was cold and nasty. Told me to leave because he was going to sleep and didn't want to deal with this. When my crying got worse he told me to stay and pulled me into bed with him. I wasn't trying to play damsal in distress. Everyone, it just hurts so bad.

 

And I am not trying to sound snooty or anything... But even if he was the most amazing guy and treated me so well this relationship would be impossible. He is way to old and my parents would not approve. I am young and have so much going for me but I just cannot forget this guy.

 

I will not lie. I sent him text messages at the end of the day. I do not care what everyone says.. I will not continue to do it, but I need to just let it out. But he used me for his selfish pleasure. When he knew I cared so much and would do anything for him.

 

The pain is so intense. It hurts so bad. Why did I allow him to do this to me? He knew everything. When I first meet him I was 19 and he was 36. He knew I had not been around the block and sexual wise very prude. I had a party girl lifestyle but very innocent when it came to men. He knew he was my first love in a way, the first person I went away on trips with, shared hotel rooms, lived with... He knew I was so young...

[alg24]

Its been over two years... Haven't I had enough yet? Clearly he has? Or it just some sick twisted game and will never be done for him? Has he finally hit his rock bottom? And I do not ask this in the sense of us getting back together, I promise. But I just don't understand his abuse. But I should never try to focus on that. I am just blabbering on and on because I am so upset. Monday being with me... So amazing... Then this... wtf

[califnan]

Everyone thank-you above and beyond.

 

Yes, I will admit, I give him the option of ending it.

 

--I am a crying mess right now--

 

I truly want it done with us... I do miss him so much when we are apart but I do know its so beyond unhealthy and he is destroying me slowly... but the pain is so great... I think thats why I always went back... And he knows how to knock me down...

 

When we got back together he spoke so bad to me... Everything disgusting on the phone... He then asked me where I was. I told him I was sitting in my car at the barn, about to go do night check.. Long story short on the way home he convinced me to stop by his barn apartment. He was cold and nasty. Told me to leave because he was going to sleep and didn't want to deal with this. When my crying got worse he told me to stay and pulled me into bed with him. I wasn't trying to play damsal in distress. Everyone, it just hurts so bad.

 

And I am not trying to sound snooty or anything... But even if he was the most amazing guy and treated me so well this relationship would be impossible. He is way to old and my parents would not approve. I am young and have so much going for me but I just cannot forget this guy.

 

I will not lie. I sent him text messages at the end of the day. I do not care what everyone says.. I will not continue to do it, but I need to just let it out. But he used me for his selfish pleasure. When he knew I cared so much and would do anything for him.

 

The pain is so intense. It hurts so bad. Why did I allow him to do this to me? He knew everything. When I first meet him I was 19 and he was 36. He knew I had not been around the block and sexual wise very prude. I had a party girl lifestyle but very innocent when it came to men. He knew he was my first love in a way, the first person I went away on trips with, shared hotel rooms, lived with... He knew I was so young...

 

-----------------------

 

ALG .. All I can say is .. Take a few days to get ALL of your thoughts together, instead of giving them to him in snipets .. Try to think of an exit plan - and how you wish to start in baby steps to make a new life for yourself .. Then gather your thoughts (writings) and submit them to him in a concentrated manner .. taking enough time to make your thoughts count, before submitting them ..

 

It just seems you are trying to relieve yourself of all the things that you think he should know, before you finally rely on NC.

 

But honestly, no matter how low this man is, I doubt you can tell him anything about himself or your relationship .. that he doesn't already know, or that he will come to realize on his own ..

[califnan]

Its been over two years... Haven't I had enough yet? Clearly he has? Or it just some sick twisted game and will never be done for him? Has he finally hit his rock bottom? And I do not ask this in the sense of us getting back together, I promise. But I just don't understand his abuse. But I should never try to focus on that. I am just blabbering on and on because I am so upset. Monday being with me... So amazing... Then this... wtf

 

----------------

 

It sounds to me that his abuse is coming from his anger and discontent toward himself .

[alg24]

Hi-

I agree with what you said- but I feel there is nothing left for me to say. Today me getting "crazy" via text and telling him how I feel... He knows everything... And guess what, he does not care (is that even a surprise) I can knock myself for texting him or just be like whatever I did it now I need to focus on NOT doing it again. But wow does it hurt.

[califnan]

Hi-

I agree with what you said- but I feel there is nothing left for me to say. Today me getting "crazy" via text and telling him how I feel... He knows everything... And guess what, he does not care (is that even a surprise) I can knock myself for texting him or just be like whatever I did it now I need to focus on NOT doing it again. But wow does it hurt.

 

-------------------

 

Realize that he doesn't have the great life that you think he does ... But work on making the life that Whole Complete ALG is entitled to ..

 

Personally, I would rather be rejected by someone and Let Their conscience hurt ... than me doing the rejecting - and have to deal with it ..

[BB07]

Alg........one thing that will greatly help you to get past this is to STOP trying to figure out why he does the things he does. Abuse is abuse and there is no rhyme or reason, it's just inside him. Don't waste one second feeling sorry for the bastard......not one.

 

You've been a victim......but now it's time to stop being one and stop letting him hurt you like this. When you stop focusing on him and why he does the things he does or doesn't do you'll be so much better so STOP it right now.

 

 

Hugs.....