EyesOpened Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Ok so I slipped this afternoon - badly. I mentioned in my previous post that I had ended my A with x-mm a while back, and that I was moving on - it was going all good etc., Well today - I screwed up. I have to be in his town for a few days, had no intentions of seeing him, but stupidly mentioned to him I would be there - because in my heart I guess wanted to hear him ask if we could get together so I could say "nope, sorry" Guess what? Not only did he not suggest we see each other, he went on to say how busy those days were for him and that there was no way he would have time for me! Even though he was presumptious in thinking I wanted to see him, I was so hurt that he was rejecting me, that I sort of lost it. I went off on an stupid emotional texting rampage - and when he didnt' respond - kept on texting, and texting, there was no stopping my verbal diareah ... just kept texting like an insane woman - expecting to get some reaction from him. Wanting him to say what? That he wanted to see me? Loved me still blah blah blah! I got NOTHING, NADA! What the hell was I even thinking? What is wrong with me?? I was doing so well, getting over him, didn't care if I ever saw him again etc., then something just went crazy in me when he had the nerve to say he didn't have time for me? Rejecting me when I had already rejected him? I can't even begin to understand why I'm so upset right now, and why I even let myself 'go' there again. I think in my head it's a rejection thing - I know I don't want him anymore, but I want him to want me, so I can say "ha ha, you had your chance and you lost it - sucks to be you buddy, i'm awesome, and you are going to miss me" And for me to text him all of that stuff and get no answer at all from him - nothing? That's even worse. I wish there was a "slap myself in the head" emotocon because I'd be using that one right now! ARGHHHH! So mad at myself.
Heather1 Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 I'd probably get the same response, which is why I've been leaving him alone. I'm sorry that happened, but I'm glad you posted it because I would feel (& I do feel) the same way. Rejection of someone you took a huge risk for sucks.
whichwayisup Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Ok so I slipped this afternoon - badly. I mentioned in my previous post that I had ended my A with x-mm a while back, and that I was moving on - it was going all good etc., Well today - I screwed up. I have to be in his town for a few days, had no intentions of seeing him, but stupidly mentioned to him I would be there - because in my heart I guess wanted to hear him ask if we could get together so I could say "nope, sorry" Guess what? Not only did he not suggest we see each other, he went on to say how busy those days were for him and that there was no way he would have time for me! Even though he was presumptious in thinking I wanted to see him, I was so hurt that he was rejecting me, that I sort of lost it. I went off on an stupid emotional texting rampage - and when he didnt' respond - kept on texting, and texting, there was no stopping my verbal diareah ... just kept texting like an insane woman - expecting to get some reaction from him. Wanting him to say what? That he wanted to see me? Loved me still blah blah blah! I got NOTHING, NADA! What the hell was I even thinking? What is wrong with me?? I was doing so well, getting over him, didn't care if I ever saw him again etc., then something just went crazy in me when he had the nerve to say he didn't have time for me? Rejecting me when I had already rejected him? I can't even begin to understand why I'm so upset right now, and why I even let myself 'go' there again. I think in my head it's a rejection thing - I know I don't want him anymore, but I want him to want me, so I can say "ha ha, you had your chance and you lost it - sucks to be you buddy, i'm awesome, and you are going to miss me" And for me to text him all of that stuff and get no answer at all from him - nothing? That's even worse. I wish there was a "slap myself in the head" emotocon because I'd be using that one right now! ARGHHHH! So mad at myself. It's all ego. Not your heart, not your emotions. You KNOW what's what and as you said, you wanted him to run after you so you could slam the door on him and go HA. Lesson learned, I guess? Sorry you're hurting, but now you know why it's not fun to play mind games.. You seem to be over him and have moved on, enough to know he's wrong for you and you don't want him. Next time, (if there is one) ask yourself if it's worth this self inflicted pain.
ladydesigner Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 So so sorry you had to go through that. I was rejected pretty badly upon my ending and even when I was LC with him he would sometimes ignore my emails altogether and then 2 weeks later ask me some silly question. A real mindf**k. I don't ever want to go back there again. Stay NC this next time no matter what comes up. Don't beat yourself up too bad, I have felt like doing what you did many times. He's an a**hole like so many are. It is hard to accept that they REALLY do not care anymore and it is that easy for them to reject the way that they do. I know mine did Breaking NC possibly = Rejection NC=No More Pain You are worth more than this man's opinion of you;) He's a jerk!!!
califnan Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Eyesopened .. Forget the past and Start over.. He will never feel anything but relieved that he supposedly initiated the NC, as long as you contact him ...Stop contacting him in any way ... Start now by tuning him out .. and with deafening silence.. and go on with your life.. Being used to being number one, he will probably hate this, and after his supposedly initiating NC his conscience may start to bother him .. But for now, start all over with NC ..
SouthernSunshine Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Oh geeze.. texting rampage, not good! I'm embarrassed for you. *Hugs*
Author EyesOpened Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 I guess I think at times I am hoping he will one day magically turn back into the guy i "thought" he was in the first yr of our A. But then reality slaps me across the face, hard, and I remember that guy doesnt exsist! I'm actually not "hurt" persay as much as i'm angry at myself for even bothering to stoop to this game playing level. I keep thinking of that Cheap Trick song "I want you to want me, I need you to need me" etc... Ego. Yup. Thats what thats all about. I guess i got a nice ego slam eh? Lol. You are all correct, it was a mistake to even try playing that game. I've officialy let it go now! Thanks for allowing me to vent - and your awesome comments. Love how this forum always seems to bring me back to reality and keeps me grounded.
Author EyesOpened Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 Oh geeze.. texting rampage, not good! I'm embarrassed for you. *Hugs* SS - Believe me I hear u! I'm all about covering my head under a blanket atm!! Thanks for the hugs!
Fallen Angel Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Eh! So you slipped. So you feel embarrassed. The good thing is, you can start all over again tomorrow, and maybe being embarrassed by this episode will make you think twice before going there ever again! But my question is, and maybe I missed it because I am lazy and didn't read all the posts, is why were you talking to him in the first place in order to ever tell him you were going to be in his town?
Author EyesOpened Posted April 9, 2010 Author Posted April 9, 2010 Eh! So you slipped. So you feel embarrassed. The good thing is, you can start all over again tomorrow, and maybe being embarrassed by this episode will make you think twice before going there ever again! But my question is, and maybe I missed it because I am lazy and didn't read all the posts, is why were you talking to him in the first place in order to ever tell him you were going to be in his town? Hi FA - I still talk to him occasionally through the week as we have business dealings together that still require us to have to speak. Unfortunately. Normally, i've been awesome at being strong and keeping it to all business even if he tries to sway the conversation. Yesterday at the thought of being in his area, for the first time since d-day, i guess i just lost my mind temporarily! I'm focused today so lets hope i can bring my mind back!
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