This Hurts Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 I've heard countless times that when you're going through a heartbreak, the best thing you can do is keep yourself busy AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Go out even when you're not sure about it, develop a new hobby, try to make new friends, etc etc. Yes, I agree with this. I mean, how are you supposed to get over your ex if you're thinking about them 24/7, right? But at the same time, I hear people say that you need to allow yourself to feel the feelings you're experiencing for you to be able to heal properly. But if you're out all the time and you're distracted, you're not allowing yourself to feel your feelings, you're just trying your hardest to block them out... I ask because I've been thinking about this so much lately and it's got me torn. I've been around people and going out as much as possible, focusing on my work, etc. and yeah, it distracts me a great deal (though of course it doesn't make all the pain go away, and she's still always in the back of my head), but when I'm alone again everything hits me. I've taken the advice to go out as much as possible and honestly, it's helped me in it's own way—I can eat again, listen to music, pay attention in class (sometimes) and most of the other stuff I couldn't even think about doing the first few days. I'm not in agonizing, depressing, and suicidal (yes, suicidal) pain all day anymore. But now when plans don't go as planned, or I have nobody to hang out with, I feel like it's Day 2 all over again (I say day 2 because it isn't AS BAD as that very first horrendous day—but it's still pretty bad). I feel dependent of the people around me; I can't stand the thought of being alone, it scares me. Any thoughts, advice, or experience?
myhearthurtsbadly Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 My god i know how you feel. You summed up a lot of what im thinking.
Author This Hurts Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 My god i know how you feel. You summed up a lot of what im thinking. I'm glad! I love learning I'm not the only one going through something when I feel I am, it's comforting.
Ilovecake Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Well sounds to me like keeping busy is working wonders for you. I don't think when people say feel the feelings them mean dwell on it or break down all day long, they just mean don't repress. As time goes by you will heal. Your ex will become more and more of a distant memory. I think in order to heal they have to become a stranger to you. When you're out there living your life you're learning to do things without them and that's a very large part of the healing process. You will have days where you feel worse and days when you feel better. I would say keep doing exactly what your doing and time will do it’s thing. Before you know it you’ll feel like your old self again. Don’t force anything and don’t expect overnight miracles, just know it will get a little bit easier every day. You’ll see after spending a bit of time on this site that the people who sit around alone a lot tend to try drag the breakup out forever. They dwell on the stuff like, what is my ex doing? why are they living better lives then me? I can’t stand not talking to them I’m going to send a sappy letter or give them a call…etc They perpetuate the pain because they have nothing else to occupy them. On a side note I just read an article about people who get addicted to the high of feeling that pain of heart ache. There are actual neurological studies done that show that when you dwell on heart ache your brain gives off pain killing chemicals that you can actually get addicted to. It’s a very interesting phenomenon.
GrayClouds Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 (edited) Simply distracting yourself from the pain will not heal you from the pain. It generally will find a way to sneak up on you in other ways. On the other embacing the pain and holding one to it does not work either. It needs to be balanced. Find opportunity and time to allow both. It about finding a way to be connected to your emotions while not letting them control you. Allow yourself a good cry but then move on. Find ways be proactive to express the hurt, loss or anger as in writing your thought with paper and pen, or reading a book or two to lead you through, finding a good ear or a professional to let it out to, or my favorite beating up and yelling at pillows for a bit. Finding way to let it out and allow yourself the occasional bad day, hour or minute. FYI if you are looking for a book I suggest:The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Anderson Edited April 8, 2010 by GrayClouds
Odyssey Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 I've heard countless times that when you're going through a heartbreak, the best thing you can do is keep yourself busy AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Go out even when you're not sure about it, develop a new hobby, try to make new friends, etc etc. Yes, I agree with this. I mean, how are you supposed to get over your ex if you're thinking about them 24/7, right? But at the same time, I hear people say that you need to allow yourself to feel the feelings you're experiencing for you to be able to heal properly. But if you're out all the time and you're distracted, you're not allowing yourself to feel your feelings, you're just trying your hardest to block them out... Any thoughts, advice, or experience?Sound like you're already doing all the right things, so keep going! Only when your body and mind get accustom to life without your ex, will you feel better, if only by a tiny amount. But it's impossible to be busy all the time, that's when you need to deal with your emotions and sorting through all the junk in your head... i find writing them down helps me loads. On a side note I just read an article about people who get addicted to the high of feeling that pain of heart ache. There are actual neurological studies done that show that when you dwell on heart ache your brain gives off pain killing chemicals that you can actually get addicted to. It’s a very interesting phenomenon.Interesting...can you remember what this disorder is called? any links would be great. The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Anderson You'd mentioned this book many times GC and now it's got me curious. It doesn't have any religion over-tones, does it?
GrayClouds Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Sound like you're already doing all the right things, so keep going! Only when your body and mind get accustom to life without your ex, will you feel better, if only by a tiny amount. But it's impossible to be busy all the time, that's when you need to deal with your emotions and sorting through all the junk in your head... i find writing them down helps me loads. Interesting...can you remember what this disorder is called? any links would be great. You'd mentioned this book many times GC and now it's got me curious. It doesn't have any religion over-tones, does it? Nope very humanistic in its nature, encouraging self discovery and self reliance. Generally I am not a big self help book person but this one good.
Female Tech Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 I feel so much like this too! Not only did my 6+ yr relationship come to an end abruptly, I also lost my pet who was near my side constantly. Staying home just about kills me. Minutes seem to tick off as slowly as hours! I try and get out even if just to drive around, or window shop. I work at home so that doesn't help. I have started working out 6 days a week, and took up a new hobby but I find it hard to focus to do much else. No matter how busy I stay, once I am in my room (where we spent so many hours together) I can't think of anything else but my ex and how sad it is that our entire future we had planned is just... gone! I think until I some how move through being able to enjoy my home and room comfortably again, I'll always feel my wound is open. I know getting out helps, but I think staying in and forcing myself to stay in the place where our memories live... helps me face it. Short of moving, I don't know how else to get through this as I can't spend all my waking hours away from home. Each day I can make it through with NC, I feel I have gained some ground. I even go to bed early, as morning always brings relief and I can deal with it until night falls again and I start that ache all over.
Ilovecake Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 "Interesting...can you remember what this disorder is called? any links would be great." It's not really a disorder but more about brain chemistry change. I'll try and find it for you , I believe it was on the Psychology Today website.
Ilovecake Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 PAIN ADDICTION Armand DiMele Emotional pain can become an addiction. A negative feeling, such as anger, worry, grief, fear, or depression, can become so habitual that you cannot live without it. There are physical as well as mental reasons for emotional pain addiction. When a person is continuously stressed by emotional pain, there are subtle changes in the body that create a dependency on stress-related chemistry. Changing habitual patterns of pain can be as difficult as giving up an addictive substance, such as nicotine, alcohol, or even heroin. The emotional pain addict unconsciously seeks out situations that are sure to result in pain. A history of prolonged, negative, stressful relationships is usually symptomatic of emotional pain addiction. The feelings of love and pain are so frequently associated that they become one and the same. Loving unavailable people and staying in intolerable relationships, for example, are signs that love and pain have become intertwined. There are many such pain-linked feelings in the repertoire of pain addiction. Understanding the physiological part of emotional pain addiction can make breaking these patterns easier. The Physiology of Pain Addiction On a physical level, the addiction is not really to pain, but primarily to free-flowing endorphins that accompany the pain. Endorphins are a hormone-like substance that the body releases whenever a pain or injury is experienced. They are very similar in structure and effect to the opiates, like heroin and morphine. Endorphins are pain-killers. When you stub your toe you feel a sharp pain, immediately followed by numbness, which accompanies the anaesthetizing endorphins. The feeling of numbness associated with endorphin release is not unpleasant and, in fact, can be an almost euphoric sensation. People who exercise vigorously are familiar with this feeling. All strain on the body yields endorphins. Emotional stress, like physical stress, leads to strain. If the strain is constant, the body sends a continuous stream of endorphins, which results in a dull (and barely noticeable) anesthetic effect. When endorphin flooding is part of everyday life, the senses are actually deadened. Workaholics experience this, but just as in the toe-stubbing example, the feeling can be somewhat pleasant. With sustained endorphin release you can still feel emotions, but only if they are intense, such as anger, rage, sorrow and fear. These trigger further endorphin release, which can lead to further emotional numbing. And once you become used to living an endorphin-filled existence, it is hard to give it up. With so much pain-killing substance running through your body, there is a sense of security that makes you feel safer in the world. It’s a shield inside the body that protects you from subtle feelings that are more difficult to block, like tenderness, vulnerability, and love. Changing the Pattern Once a person is addicted to pain, breaking the habit takes considerable strength. It also requires external support. The unconscious craving for stress and pain drives the isolated pain addict to make decisions that are based on need rather than wisdom. Unfortunately, emotional pain addicts do not usually have supportive relationships. They tend to gravitate towards partners who become a source of pain. Friends, family, and professional counselors are usually the best source of help. It is important that the support persons understand the inherent difficulty of withdrawal from pain addiction. If psychotherapy is used, it is helpful that the therapist be familiar with addictions and brain chemistry. Dynamic interventions seem to be the most effective approaches; they include Gestalt Therapy, the Intense-Feeling Process, and Bioenergetics. Unfortunately, there are currently no Pain Addicts Anonymous or Pain-anon meetings, so it is up to friends, family, and professionals to help. But their effectiveness is limited if they do not grasp the true nature of pain addiction. Acknowledgment, encouragement, patience, and nurturance are the essential tools. Criticism, anger, and provoking guilt do not help the pain addict. On the contrary, they drive the pain addict deeper into the addiction. Overcoming emotional pain addiction can take a long time. To the pain addict, a life without pain is completely unfamiliar. There are frequent reports of a frightening void that yearns to be filled when pain is no longer dominant. In many ways it’s like being without drugs after years of dependency. The goal is to replace stress with relaxation, chaotic relationships with supportive ones, and self-deprivation with self-nurturance. It takes about six months to allow the system to function without the need for constant pain. The work, however, is not as difficult as it may seem, because positive changes are felt along the way. Life is filled with color instead of grayness, joy instead of dullness. Grace replaces tension, and a person’s natural beauty unfolds, in some cases for the very first time.
myhearthurtsbadly Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Go skydiving! LOL!!! I really want to try it!!
Leia Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 My way is to take a few days to mourn over the loss of my relationship. Really let it all out. You know, go on a cry-fest. I usually feel much better after that.
lisal0u Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 The first few weeks of my breakup I tried to keep busy and exercising but I think I was trying to do too much too soon! One day it all just hit me and I couldnt actually get out of bed or stop crying. Since then Ive mostly wanted to be on my own because I dont have to put on a front that I'm ok and I can cry when i need to and sleep and shut the world out when I need to. I know I need to get a balance of both though. I saw a type of councilling nurse the other day and she told me that you are dealing with a great loss far worse than a bereavement because they chose to leave. She likened it to an injured bear that has retreated to its cave to heal. She told me that it was ok to do this for a few days at a time when you need to but it cannot become weeks! Its a very difficult balancing act which Ive yet to master!
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