dazed-days Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 So I ignored a big birthday for her last month. We hadn't seen or spoken to one another in almost 2 months. A week after her B-Day she sent me a text that said "Hey". I never responded. Last week I came to hear that my ignoring her and her B-Day really upset her. She knew the person she told would eventually relay this to me. Why do I feel like crap about this? She was the one who broke it off with me. The worst part is I still have ALOT of feelings for her. Damn...Now what?
OOReeee Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 now she tries to reverse it and make you the bad guy because you didn't say "happy birthday," despite the fact that you definitely knew it was her birthday. IMO, it's a common complex and manipulation by the dumpers to make them feel less guilty. My ex never called me on my birthday (she dumped me). It bothered me, but on the other hand I didn't really want to talk to her anyway (although I see her twice a week, we haven't exchanged a word in about a month). I am not going to with her happy birthday either. Your ex is playing, she wants to feel better about herself. Let her do it... It's gonna continue to suck, until it won't anymore. I hope.
Author dazed-days Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 (edited) OOReee - I hear you about her playing the victim. It's possible but the problem is she's not the type to go around complaining about this because she knows it would make her look silly since everyone knows she ended it with me. She's generally a private person with her personal feelings, especially to the person she told it to as she thinks she has a big mouth. Either way she has no right to be upset or bothered. Right? By the way we're both 40 now and I'd hoped we had outgrown this juvenile behavior. A big part of me wants to believe that it genuinely upset her because that in turn could mean that she still has feelings for me and was then reaching out somehow with the text. I haven't heard from her agin so I think she's feeling rejected to some degree. I think she's missing me and beginning to experience a slight case of dumper's remorse so it tat's interesting you brought up the guilt factor. Usually takes a few month for that to kick into high gear. Anyone have thoughts on that? She's not dating anyone and there was no cheating on either end. She has a small child and hectic work schedule plus an elderly father that she lives with and takes care of. I wasn't trying to be an a-hole with my silence. But I do want to talk to her again. We've had a long history and have really known each other for 12 years now. We casually dated on and off back then and were always around each other down through the years. I know that I still miss her and her daughter very much. I never wanted things to come to this. I don't think NC is a religion and I'm not a big believer in using it as a way to get back at or back with someone. I do think however that it definitely gives both sides time to step back and take a look at things from a fresh perspective. Edited April 8, 2010 by dazed-days
jerrytodd Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 OOReee - I hear you about her playing the victim. It's possible but the problem is she's not the type to go around complaining about this because she knows it would make her look silly since everyone knows she ended it with me. She's generally a private person with her personal feelings, especially to the person she told it to as she thinks she has a big mouth. Either way she has no right to be upset or bothered. Right? By the way we're both 40 now and I'd hoped we had outgrown this juvenile behavior. A big part of me wants to believe that it genuinely upset her because that in turn could mean that she still has feelings for me and was then reaching out somehow with the text. I haven't heard from her agin so I think she's feeling rejected to some degree. I think she's missing me and beginning to experience a slight case of dumper's remorse so it tat's interesting you brought up the guilt factor. Usually takes a few month for that to kick into high gear. Anyone have thoughts on that? She's not dating anyone and there was no cheating on either end. She has a small child and hectic work schedule plus an elderly father that she lives with and takes care of. I wasn't trying to be an a-hole with my silence. But I do want to talk to her again. We've had a long history and have really known each other for 12 years now. We casually dated on and off back then and were always around each other down through the years. I know that I still miss her and her daughter very much. I never wanted things to come to this. I don't think NC is a religion and I'm not a big believer in using it as a way to get back at or back with someone. I do think however that it definitely gives both sides time to step back and take a look at things from a fresh perspective. She appears to wanting to connect which is nice. Did she tell the big mouth because she knew it would get to you? Is there a time to end NC for you by saying something to the effect of: "Hi, I got your text, thinking of you but please understand we cant just be friends." Her response, if any, gives you the answer you seem to need but beprepared that it isnt the answer you want. If it is not the one you want prepare for the setback but I do think given the circumstances and your age maybe time has been able to work some things out for her. If that is the case, and you didnt give too much detail to your situation, prepare to set some boundaries for what is and isnt acceptable. Good luck.
norajane Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 We've had a long history and have really known each other for 12 years now. We casually dated on and off back then and were always around each other down through the years. I know that I still miss her and her daughter very much. I never wanted things to come to this. Well then she can certainly do better than a text saying nothing but "hey" if she wants to re-open communication. SHE dumped you. She can, you know, pick up the fricking phone and CALL you and actually TALK to you, can't she? If she's not doing that, then she's not really trying to make anything better between you.
Author dazed-days Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 OK so she texted me again the other evening to say Hi and that she saw me a couple o times that day (I know we passed each other that morning the other time I don't know about)and she hopes I am well.I think she's looking to connect and that's nice I guess. But to what purpose she's reaching out I can't tell. She has been asking a mutual friend about me a lot. This person is telling her very little about me and the ex is getting annoyed about that.I hate this stuff. The next time I may see her is in a couple of weeks at a kids party. Stay NC until then or shoot her back a quick text saying got your texts. I'm fine hope you are too. Let me hear it people.
D-Lish Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 She dumped you- why would it be up to you to say happy birthday to her? If she has something important to say to you, it's up to her to do so. I'd never, ever, reach out to someone to say happy b-day after they dumped me.
EthanH Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 I have read a lot on here and from my experience of my recent break-up, I think it is clear that people who have been dumped jump on anything, no matter how small which suggests that the person who dumped them is interested again. In a way, I think the fact that she just said 'Hi' is a good thing, it shows she wants to be in contact but is too tentative to say anything, essentially, she has a feeling that she misses you, but it is no more than that. She wanted to be in contact, but if she is 40, surely she knows that getting back in touch with you, dangling hope in-front of you, is just cruel. She must know that you will think the way you are. Let her miss you. If she really does want you still... then let her run after you, she knows you still like her, so what has she got to lose, and why is she scared? It comes down to her making the decision, she knows she has the option to get something back with you. People look at similar situations and make up excuses as to why the person who dumped in the first place is not more decisive and strong, but ultimately if they want you back as much as you want them, they will come back to you. Also, if you let her do that, you will have balance in any future relationship, don't shut off, don't blank her and act like she isn't there, but do make it so that she has to make the running herself. In a future relationship that is important as she will know that she got into it herself and won't be able to get angry at you for changing her mind, every-time you have the smallest of arguments...
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