romer Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 I was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for a year and a half, and we just broke up in late February of this year. His reason is that he may want to have kids one day (I can't have any). This after telling me the whole time he never wants kids...I was having suspicions for a couple of weeks right before the break-up, that he had someone else. I was right. I didn't find out until a week or so ago for sure, and now he and she are all over facebook. She isn't even what I would have thought he'd go for, I am no goddess, but I thought he'd go for someone prettier and thinner than me. She even has a history of smoking crack. I am a responsible single mother, holding down two jobs, never even smoked a cigarette in my life. What gets me is that he is doing things with her that he never did with me. His even having a facebook page is unheard of. I tried getting him to do it when we were together, and he refused. Now there are pictures of them at the beach, etc. I can't stop going and looking at them. During our relationship, he lost a sister, and I lost my mom. We were together during some very tough times. He broke up with me a month or so after my mom died, and immediately started bringing this new girl out in public. I feel used, angry, severely depressed, low self esteem, I don't even want to get out of bed. I am losing weight like crazy. The friends that I do have just say I will get over it. They aren't really listening, and I am feeling like no one really cares. I am trying to deal with the grief of losing my mother on top of this. My world has literally crashed down on me. I was so secure in our relationship, and he knew at the beginning how insecure I was because of the guy I was with before him....he was my best friend. Now he is just gone from my life. I feel like I cannot cope. I have a child and with two jobs I support myself so I cannot miss any work to try to deal with this pain...
GrayClouds Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 (edited) First of all very sorry about your pain. Second of all you need to be kind to yourself. Start by ending all contact that includes all social media. Block Block Block. Second try to find a professional to talk with, not only our you grieving a loss of a relationship but also death. That is a great deal to handle at once. IF you need the help of some medication for a temporary time, do not be afraid to use the help. Finally, this guy is not much. It may not feel like it now but in time you will see. His excuses of wanting kids is BS he know that long before now and still got involve with you. It was just a convenient way to walk away making you feel guilty for his behavior. This way he can be the victim. Its him not taking responsibility for his choices. this is what boys do, not men. Second he show you his true colors by not having the depth of character who could support you emotionally at a time of need. This guy was going to let you down sooner or latter. Let the other girls have him, You deserve better then him. Keep posting. Your not broken, just hurting. You are a much strong person then this to let a loser like him break you. Edited April 8, 2010 by GrayClouds
Author romer Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 Thank you. I think I am mostly disappointed in him for letting me down when I need it most. I am so shocked, confused, hurt, and I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I know I deserve better, but if I was insecure before I know without a doubt that now any premise of security going in to a new relationship is going to be a struggle. He seemed like the perfect boyfriend. So attentive, understanding, and we had so much in common even though I am a few years older than him. He found me at a time when I needed him. And now, someone else is getting that attention and love and it is driving me crazy. I refuse to go back and look at the facebook page. I can't deal with it.
This Hurts Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Your not broken, just hurting. I loved this so much, since it really does feel like you're permanently damaged. Reminders that these feelings aren't forever are ALWAYS appreciated.
This Hurts Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Thank you. I think I am mostly disappointed in him for letting me down when I need it most. I am so shocked, confused, hurt, and I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. I know I deserve better, but if I was insecure before I know without a doubt that now any premise of security going in to a new relationship is going to be a struggle. He seemed like the perfect boyfriend. So attentive, understanding, and we had so much in common even though I am a few years older than him. He found me at a time when I needed him. And now, someone else is getting that attention and love and it is driving me crazy. I refuse to go back and look at the facebook page. I can't deal with it. This isn't something I'm proud of, therefore I don't advertise it, but I've gone through a lot of **** with my ex and she has made me go through SO much, at one point I had a suicide attempt. I couldn't take everything she was doing to me and everything else going on around me. I guess she felt bad that I hurt myself, so she spoke to me for a while and then I asked her if I could call her that night because I felt I was going to have another breakdown, and she refused. It hurt me so god damn badly to know that she didn't care that I was going to fall again. She claimed she loved me, she worried about me, she cared about me, and she doesn't want to see me hurt, yet she refuses to simply answer a phone call to be there for me when I'm having a breakdown? Seriously? Me, the one person who has stuck with her through all her mistakes and the only one who has been patient with her and has treated her like a spoiled child for years, isn't worthy of a few minutes of a simple phone call from her, ESPECIALLY when I had attempted suicide a few days prior? She didn't want to be there for me, and that hurt. I know how you feel. You're not alone. PS. I agree you should seek some professional help. I think it would make your recovery process a lot less scarier.
GrayClouds Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 . I know I deserve better, but if I was insecure before I know without a doubt that now any premise of security going in to a new relationship is going to be a struggle. It may be a bit early for this discussion but frankly your premise is wrong. One does not find security from a realtionship, it is found with in yourself and a relationship will reflect it. The great confidence and appreciation you can develop for yourself the greater you will attract people of quality. This allow you to choose the people you want in your life, rather then selection out of need. Selfish people smell neediness. He seemed like the perfect boyfriend. So attentive, understanding, and we had so much in common even though I am a few years older than him. He found me at a time when I needed him. And now, someone else is getting that attention and love and it is driving me crazy. They are not getting the love, they are just getting his act. He has illustrated his character to you, one how move on when it is no longer fun and convenient. Someone who loves deeply does not behave in this manner, they behave selfless. The good news is as you work through the pain, you have the opportunity to persue personal growth. It may not feel like it now, but I can sure you that focusing on yourself using the hurt to grow is the best way through this pain. In the mean time the follow. It makes it easier, not easy but easier: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance?
Author romer Posted April 9, 2010 Author Posted April 9, 2010 Thank you both for your input and advice. I feel alot better about things today after reading posts on this website, I realize that I am not alone. I had a long talk with a good friend who happens to be a guy, and I asked him what his opinion was on the whole thing, and he simply said, "It's all about the attitude". So maybe this girl has a better personality or maybe I am just so depressed about my mom right now, I am not realizing the impression I am making on others. Either way, I have forgiven him (in my heart) because he cannot help how he feels, and I read the NO CONTACT rules, which I have already put into place. I just have an optimistic attitude today, and am going to focus on being a better person. Prayer has also been helping.
Ilovecake Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 (edited) I am so sorry to read that you were treated so horribly. Believe it or not a lot of us here went through very similar situations so we understand and are willing to share our experiences and coping tools with you. First of all let me tell you that your ex is a coward. The fact that he used such a big issue as having children as the reason for a breakup, pretty much putting the culpability on you is effed up. He just wanted to date someone else but was obviously too cowardly to say that. As hard as it is to believe right now, because your whole world has been turned up side down, the good news is you will get over it. The bad news is is that the people that have been victimized are the ones that have to put all the effort into putting the pieces back together. You have a lot of work ahead of you which isn't a bad thing, but if you can find any strength within yourself you need to start doing that work right away. You’re going to have to fight temptation to see and talk to him and that’s extremely difficult. You will find yourself feeling like if you don’t talk to him at that moment you will blow up (at least that’s how it felt for me). This is the time when you need distractions. The first and hardest step is to eccept that this person is no longer in your life and most likely will never be again. Some things that help is to realize that you had a fantasy of what you wanted in a partner, you thought you found that in him but he turned out to be someone else. He is not the person you loved he is the person that left you in so much pain. You are too strong and smart to be with someone like that. A great coping tool for me was to try and read anything I could find that would explain his state of mind, my reactions, human nature, relationships. I absorbed every blog, article and self help book I could find that would put things into perspective for me. It really helped me take the blame off of myself. You found a good place in LS. Come here and read other people’s stories and write about how you feel. It’s very therapeutic. Edited April 9, 2010 by Ilovecake
GrayClouds Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Thank you both for your input and advice. I feel alot better about things today after reading posts on this website, I realize that I am not alone. I had a long talk with a good friend who happens to be a guy, and I asked him what his opinion was on the whole thing, and he simply said, "It's all about the attitude". So maybe this girl has a better personality or maybe I am just so depressed about my mom right now, I am not realizing the impression I am making on others. Either way, I have forgiven him (in my heart) because he cannot help how he feels, and I read the NO CONTACT rules, which I have already put into place. I just have an optimistic attitude today, and am going to focus on being a better person. Prayer has also been helping. Understand there is going to be good day and bad for while. Try to remember the good day's when the bad ones come to help you get thought them. In addition to the no contact, congratulate on that first step of putting yourself first, do the other things those links suggest. Specially the exercising, do as much as you can what ever you can. That and making sure your eating good stuff at regular times will do as much to lift your spirits then anything else. You may not feel like it but force yourself, it will help a lot. You have a good deal to work through but you will and it does get better as you already have seen. Good luck and be kind to yourself. There is nothing wrong with you, your just grieving.
Author romer Posted April 9, 2010 Author Posted April 9, 2010 It is really helping me out alot to read all of your posts. Just to know someone out there is taking the time to address my state of mind and to actually care enough to take the time to write and encourage is a big relief. I am progressing already, reading and googling everything I can find about what I am going through. Realizing that it wasn't me. He knew going into our relationship that I couldn't have kids, so I know his reason was a sham. It was just hard to accept that he didn't feel the same way about me anymore. Like, what did I do to make him fall out of love with me? I can guess at that forever and never get an answer, so for now all I can do is go on and accept that he is not in my life anymore. He wanted to be friends, but I told him no way. After reading the rules of NO CONTACT, I see I made the right decision.
GrayClouds Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Like, what did I do to make him fall out of love with me? I can guess at that forever and never get an answer, so for now all I can do is go on and accept that he is not in my life anymore. He wanted to be friends, but I told him no way. After reading the rules of NO CONTACT, I see I made the right decision. You were in a relationship for 1.5 years. in all likelihood you did nothing to him to fall out of love. Most likely the case was it just was no longer exciting. Relationships as they mature become comfortable, that is healthy. Many people mistake emotional intensity as emotional intimacy and spend their lives bouncing from one relationship to another. Considering who he pick as his new squeeze, I suspect he likes drama and excitement. Though at this this point is all about you, you working on healing and making the best life possible for you and yours. If you do that quality will come into your life. Read the follow, do as they say it will help you: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? It does get better.
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