SyphenFighter Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Right I've been going through a problem ever since I left school....Basically I was crazy about this girl who was in the same class as me and ever since I left school I keep having these weird dreams about her.....but it gets worse then that.... Here's my story Well it all started when I began talking to this girl in my class I was about 13 or 14 at the time. We shared similar interests and spoke about everything from video games,sports, music and even deeper topics such as family and religion. I didn't like her at that point honestly but it was always nice to speak to her u know just to pass the time. As more time passed and I got to know her a little better I noticed myself thinking about her more and more and being unable to wait to speak to her again the next day. I didn't like her though I just liked speaking to her (I kept telling myself) Anyway as more time passed the usual would transpire and as the summer holidays approached I noticed myself thinking about her more and more. I couldn't explain why. I've had crushes on girls before and I always knew why I liked them but I couldn't explain why I was thinking about this girl so much more deeply. Sure we had similar interests but that was really it. I hate to say this but I didn't even find her that "attractive" physically. Her lively and charming personality began to make such an impression on me. I'd find myself sitting by her at every chance I got just to see and talk to her again. We had a very platonic style friendship and due to her very boyish personality it was always easy to make conversation and connect. As the end years of school came around we began to slowly drift as friends. No longer was I treated with her spunky and cheerful good mornings and greetings. I had noticed she began to change even worse she had developed feelings for a boy from another class. I didn't feel exactly jealous but I was very dishearten. It was by this time I had finally accepted I had feelings for this girl I guess it's true what they say "absence makes the heart grow fonder". Unfortunately I just never had the courage at that point to tell her how I felt. I was too afraid of rejection, too afraid that she'd take it the wrong way and cut me off completely. Though we did continue to speak from time to time our friendship was never the same. I even remember telling her "Hey we never speak anymore?" and she replying "We're speaking now aren't we," in an annoyed manner. The feelings started to become stronger. I just couldn't stop thinking about her and the kind of friendship we use to have it made me SICK. I then said "no more" I promised myself I wasn't going to speak, look or even think about her anymore I had enough of this. I managed to keep speaking to her to a minimum never intiating a conversation unless it was absolutely necessary. I kept telling myself I hated her of course I was only fooling myself. Finally the end of school came and I was pretty adamant I'd just say my goodbye and go on home I'd already had contact information from my closet friends so it was no biggy. However I was wrong, what was about to transpire would be one of the most emotionally taxing afternoons in my life. I was obviously a little sad because I'd never be seeing some of my mates again. Suddenly I saw her and my heart just sank and my eyes began to water a little. Thoughts of not ever seeing her again and worse not telling her how I felt about her made me completely delirious. She walked up to me and said "um are you ok. Uncontrollably I rushed to her and told her everything I told her I'd been crazy about her ever since I first ever got to know her. I explained she meant everything to me and how special she was. Unfortunately she did not return the feelings I had for her and though she did try to sympathise somewhat she was clearly freaked out by the whole ordeal (which I don't blame her for being at all.) Many years have passed since the incident unfortunately I have not yet recovered from this. The Dreams over the past 4-5 years have intensified and will usually involve some kind of romantic invoke. Random thoughts of her will unexpectedly happen and though these occurrences are sparse they can sometimes leave me emotionally and even physically drained. We were never officially a "couple" just friends so I must ask myself was I ever really in love with this girl maybe it's just some sort of unexplained obsession, perhaps my sub-conscious is just attaching anything It deems romantic to her image since she is by far the only girl I've had feelings this deep for. It was recommended that I try to erase her from my mind by attaching myself to other women, however this has worked to no avail. I think the problem may lie in the fact that I was so captivated by her charm and tomboyish disposition which is quite a rarity in women in general. Like I mentioned earlier I've had a small series of relationships with other girls in my lifetime but her personality was really something else she truly felt like a platonic friend you could just play video games with, talk smack, hit in the arm and just laugh it off. I rarely had sexual thoughts about this girl. Anyway this is really beginning to become a serious problem I find it difficult to be intimate with women because "she" pops up in my mind constantly. I can never tell a woman I "love" her without her coming into my mind I can never invision myself being with anyone else but her. I've rejected so many advances from women sexually and romantically because of this. I even remember once I was at the movies with a very nice girl and all I could think about was the "high school" crush wishing she could be there instead. I hate it so much first off it's not fair to the girl i'm with and it's just sick.... Then they're the dreams which just make things worse, thankfully they don't happen every night or even every week. They usually happen every two months or so but I did have one last night where it involved me writing her a love letter telling her "I loved her." (which is nothing compared to some of the other dreams I've had) I know it's debatable on if I actually "loved" this girl or not because I understand true love has to be reciprocal. I just want this to stop. By any chance could this be a psychological disorder is there anything I can do? It's getting to the point where I'm really getting desperate for this to end...... Thnx for hearing me out...
nobmagnet Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 ((hugs)) it does seem to be a little obsessional IMO. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to a phycologist about your feelings? Its great you have had girlfreinds since though and that would suggest you want to move on:) Talk it through and you should be able just to have her a a happy memory rather than a head that pops up when you least need it? Nobby xx
GrayClouds Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 I suspect your dream have less to do with the actual girl but more reflective of something greater such as loss, happiness, opportunity. I suggest starting to pursue that idea with the help of a professional, and in the mean time try picking up the book: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Anderson
Author SyphenFighter Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 Thank You so much for your replies guys it really means alot to me. I definitely know this isn't normal love and seems obessieve I forgot to mention I did see her a few months ago and when I saw her my heart really started to race and I felt short of breath almost like I was hyperventilating...
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