No where to run to...

[foamy2001]

Deep breath...

 

My wife has left. It happened about two months ago. It looks like we will be signing papers sometime in the next week or so...

 

I will start by saying I messed up. I don't know how much more detail I need to provide, but I made mistakes over the course of this marriage. I have made an honest attempt to be a better man and husband, which makes her leaving all the more painful.

 

The short version...

 

She has a girlfriend that lives in Michigan. We live in Ohio. She went to visit her friend the weekend of the Super Bowl. That whole weekend, we were talking and things seemed pretty normal. She asked me to move things around in the house, talked about how we were going to spend our income tax return, etc.

 

I was asleep when she came home that Monday. She was sitting on the foot of the bed crying when I woke up. She said "I can't do this anymore" and basically took all her stuff and went to her mom's. She immediately started texting me about divorce and refused to talk to me other than through text messages. Now, I find out she plans on moving to Michigan as soon as the divorce is final.

 

The long version...

 

She is much younger than me. I am 35, she is 24. I was married before this and had a son by my first wife. He had a brain tumor. My first wife left me the week before his most invasive brain surgery he ever had. I pulled the trigger on my first divorce and decided that I would focus on my son and doing everything I could to get him through his medical problems.

 

After that surgery, one of many he had, things began to look up. He was healthy and seemed to have really turned a corner. About two years pass and I began to feel lonely. My first wife and I shared custody. I was fine on the days I had my son, but when he wasn't around, I struggled.

 

I asked my current wife out on a date just days after she broke up with her boyfriend, whom she still lived with. We went to a concert, and really hit it off. In fact, she basically moved in that night. This was the first date I had been on since my first divorce.

 

Almost as soon as she moved in, my son got sick again. Things progressed pretty quickly and he passed away about a year later.

 

Having my second wife around for this was both a blessing and a curse. It was good because through the process of losing him, I had someone to lean on. She always made me smile and I loved her with all my heart. It was bad because having her around allowed me to not fully deal what had happened. When I got down about losing Tyler, I could just runaway to my little fantasy life with this amazingly cool and beautiful girl.

 

She wanted desperately to have a baby. I struggled with it. In many ways, I felt like Ty's death was somehow my fault. Maybe it was my genes, maybe I was cursed. It wasn't rational, but it was what I thought at the time.

 

Eventually, I came around and did want another child, but we couldn't get pregnant. It became this thing with us. Sex became more of an attempt to get pregnant rather than about passion or love.

 

I began back at college shortly after my son passed away. My wife was already going and we were both working full time. Our time together began to dwindle. I eventually started talking to a girl I went to high school with and although nothing physical ever happened, I did get emotionally attached. My wife found out and, understandably freaked out. She went to Michigan that weekend as well, but eventually came home and said she wanted to work it out. That was over a year ago.

 

Then, she just pulls the rug out from under my feet with no real warning. I know I have rambled on and many have probably stopped reading, but I just need to vent.

 

I know I messed up. It wasn't just my high school friend. I find it very hard to open up to people. I lost my dad when I was 15 and both my grandparents during my 20's. I have never really been able to deal with the grief from losing so many people close to me. I am afraid to show my vulnerable side to anyone and I fear getting close to people because virtually everyone I ever cared about has left me, in one form or another.

 

I know I have to work on me and I shouldn't focus on my wife leaving, but it's so hard. I am still in school, with about a year left and working full time, but when I am alone I can no longer bottle up my emotions. I often stare at walls for hours and I will randomly begin to cry uncontrollably. I start thinking about my future and get so scared I literally begin to shake.

 

Some days I feel like I have turned a corner, then my wife contacts me about meeting an attorney or something like that and I am thrust right back into my depression.

 

I feel like I am going to be alone forever, and I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or not. Part of me wishes I could just get in my car and leave this place to never come back. A friend told me I shouldn't run away, but I honestly don't know what else to do. This house is full of nothing but memories. My father died in this house, my son's room still has his bed and toys in it. My wife lived here....

 

I don't know what to do..... I feel like I have no where to go and no one to talk to.....

[nobmagnet]

foamy,

 

Firstly welcome to loveshack and i am also sorry you need to be here but welcome

 

oh my what a hidious awful time you have had and are having. My heart is going out to you.

 

losing a child has to be the worst thing that could happen to a person. and i cant even feel a tiny bit of that pain but i empathise xx

 

now your situation....... do you beleive she has gone forever and no chance of trying again with help? I say help in the way of individual councelling and marriage too. Is it something she may consider whilst on a trial separation?

 

Nobby xxx

[foamy2001]

foamy,

 

Firstly welcome to loveshack and i am also sorry you need to be here but welcome

 

oh my what a hidious awful time you have had and are having. My heart is going out to you.

 

losing a child has to be the worst thing that could happen to a person. and i cant even feel a tiny bit of that pain but i empathise xx

 

now your situation....... do you beleive she has gone forever and no chance of trying again with help? I say help in the way of individual councelling and marriage too. Is it something she may consider whilst on a trial separation?

 

Nobby xxx

 

Thank you for the reply...

 

She refuses to talk to me and when she does it usually ends with her crying/screaming. Her first few contacts with me (e-mails), she said that if we were to ever get back together it would have to be after the divorce, with a fresh start. The last time I talked to her (text message) she said we would never get back together, ever.

 

I wouldn't call this a trial separation. She already has a lawyer and will not change her mind about divorce. I have accepted that she is gone and I can't change the situation. I just don't understand how she can tell me she loves me on the Friday before the Super Bowl and moves out the following Monday.

 

I feel like no matter what is going on, I have to let her leave.

[nobmagnet]

oh my

 

well ((huggs))

 

quite a lot of us have been discrded too. it a nasty frightening place to be. but it might sound a bit weird to you because you dont know me yet:confused: but i send my love and there are some top peeps on here to attempt to help you thro this too.

 

keep posting xxxxxx

 

nobby xx

[Spiker65]

Foamy, I'm a newbie here but have lived a lot in my 44 years. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son Ty. My best friends brother lost his 18 month old son last summer to a freak choking accident. I have never witnessed such overwhelming grief. You are one tough SOB if you picked yourself back up after that.

 

As for your situation, just my opinion but as hard as it is, let her go, stop fighting. You cannot control her actions, only yours. The shaking and anxiety are totally normal, embrace them, they wont last, it's just the initial stage. Better days lie ahead, it only takes a little time.

 

I would suggest some IC if you can do it. You have been through a lot in your life, some good counselling will help you moving forward.

 

Lastly, the number one feeling when someone leaves you is that you'll be alone forever. Everyone goes through this, I don't think any actually experience it though!!! Again, totally normal! There will be love back in your life, I assure you that.

 

Keep strong and keep posting. There are a lot of good people, really good people here that will get you through this. Godspeed bro'.

[nobmagnet]

Hi spiker,

 

yes you are correct. rollercoaster of love lost is poo and it kinda wrongly normal too:mad:

 

OP keep posting please

 

vent and share because you can on here

 

love nobbyxx

[unsureLP]

Foamy,

 

*hugs* I can't imagine the pain of losing your son. I am so, so sorry you had to go through that.

 

Have you looked at individual counseling for yourself? It could help in sorting out all these feelings of abandonment and being left alone due to so many losses of close people.

 

Before you can work on your relationship you have to take care of yourself. That's a lot of grief you are dealing with. Please know that you can always come here to vent if you need. There are a lot of good people around here, ready to lend an ear and give you some support.

[Luv2dance]

((hugs)) I think you have already received some great advice, but just wanted to say how sorry I am for all you are going through. I am fairly new here, but there are some posters here with great advice!

 

Hang in there and take care of yourself!!

[foamy2001]

Thanks for all the kind words and advice. Like I said, I know this is my fault and I take full responsibility for my actions. It just sucks how it has all gone down.

 

This time alone has shown me that I have some serious issues to deal with and I am seriously considering getting some help. I have thought about my father and son every day since their passing, but I don't know that I have fully dealt with losing them.

 

I'm lucky because I still have my mom and she has been a huge help through all of this, but I find it hard to talk to friends about it. When my wife moved in, she was kind of absorbed into my group of friends. Being around them reminds me of her. Also, it's hard for me to be around husband/wives or boyfriends/girlfriends and that is pretty much every friend I have.

 

Again, thanks to everyone... it feels good to put my frustrations out there into the ether.

[hopesndreams]

I asked my current wife out on a date just days after she broke up with her boyfriend, whom she still lived with. We went to a concert, and really hit it off. In fact, she basically moved in that night. This was the first date I had been on since my first divorce.

 

Seems as though history has repeated itself. You make no mention of her having someone else to run to. Why?

 

The best thing to do is go complete NC. Communicate only through lawyers. Do not take anymore of her calls. Let her OM take care of all her needs now. She's pretty darn sure of what she wants, so keep thinking D.

 

You have loads of grieving to do now. Don't be afraid of it. Let it happen. It's the only way to move forward.

[whichwayisup]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. No parent should ever have to go through that... And the loss of your father too, that's rough too.

 

All I can say is, live for today and do your best to fix things that you want to change about you. Live for you! Do counselling if you can, it'll help you with the grieving and also help you move on to a new path in life.

 

Everyone has given you good advice, I can't add much more there.

 

Take care and again, sorry for your losses.

[foamy2001]

I asked my current wife out on a date just days after she broke up with her boyfriend, whom she still lived with. We went to a concert, and really hit it off. In fact, she basically moved in that night. This was the first date I had been on since my first divorce.

 

Seems as though history has repeated itself. You make no mention of her having someone else to run to. Why?

 

The best thing to do is go complete NC. Communicate only through lawyers. Do not take anymore of her calls. Let her OM take care of all her needs now. She's pretty darn sure of what she wants, so keep thinking D.

 

You have loads of grieving to do now. Don't be afraid of it. Let it happen. It's the only way to move forward.

 

She swears up and down that there is no one else. I am suspicious, especially since this all came to a head after a trip to Michigan and she is now moving there, but ultimately it doesn't matter if there is another guy or not. I don't think she would tell me if she was interested in some other guy because she has said she is afraid I will bail on the dissolution, but if that is what's going on, I just wish she would tell me.

 

Then again, if she is leaving me, why would I care if there is some other guy? If I can't be with the woman I love, I at least want her to be happy. I think it sucks that she won't at least give counciling a try, but I can't force her to do anything.

 

Honestly, at this point I just want everything to end so I don't have to wait on contact from her. As soon as I can go fill out paperwork, there would be no reason to talk to her again. Every time I have contact, it just sets me back to the day she left.

[Doing it Since '78]

She swears up and down that there is no one else. I am suspicious, especially since this all came to a head after a trip to Michigan and she is now moving there, but ultimately it doesn't matter if there is another guy or not. I don't think she would tell me if she was interested in some other guy because she has said she is afraid I will bail on the dissolution, but if that is what's going on, I just wish she would tell me.

 

Then again, if she is leaving me, why would I care if there is some other guy? If I can't be with the woman I love, I at least want her to be happy. I think it sucks that she won't at least give counciling a try, but I can't force her to do anything.

 

Honestly, at this point I just want everything to end so I don't have to wait on contact from her. As soon as I can go fill out paperwork, there would be no reason to talk to her again. Every time I have contact, it just sets me back to the day she left.

 

Sorry for the loss of your son and dad, bro. But mentally prepare yourself for the revelation of another guy. 90% chance he is out there in Michigan, and that is why she had to move there so abruptly. The I love you before the superbowl was probably a guilty one. If she just wanted some time apart, why not continue to crash with her mother? Probably because her mother would not allow her OM to drill her in the guest bedroom, however her girlfriend wouldn't mind

Edited April 9, 2010 by Doing it Since '78

[unsureLP]

She swears up and down that there is no one else. I am suspicious, especially since this all came to a head after a trip to Michigan and she is now moving there, but ultimately it doesn't matter if there is another guy or not. I don't think she would tell me if she was interested in some other guy because she has said she is afraid I will bail on the dissolution, but if that is what's going on, I just wish she would tell me.

 

Then again, if she is leaving me, why would I care if there is some other guy? If I can't be with the woman I love, I at least want her to be happy. I think it sucks that she won't at least give counciling a try, but I can't force her to do anything.

 

Honestly, at this point I just want everything to end so I don't have to wait on contact from her. As soon as I can go fill out paperwork, there would be no reason to talk to her again. Every time I have contact, it just sets me back to the day she left.

 

I just want to offer some words of support again. If there is another man, you will probably hurt more than you think. Do you need to know? At least for me, I would rather not know since you say that it's over and there's no going back. Why add to your hurt?

 

I really encourage you to deal with all the pain with some help either from a counselor or, if this is an option you'd consider, from a religious leader you trust. This is a lot you are dealing with. Lean on your mom, lean on your friends. You say you want to avoid them and I understand that, but would it be better if you saw one of them at a time? Instead of seeing them as couples, would it be ok if you saw them individually?

[You Go Girl]

Ok, so you had an EA. That was your contribution to the breakup. You accept that was your part of the breakup, your fault, whatever you want to call it.

Death of people you love is not your fault. Losing parents, grandparents, a son, all not your fault.

So you only have one thing to feel badly about, an EA a year ago.

First thing is to go back to the beginning in counseling. Your first loss--do you associate any guilt with it?

You go through each loss you have had in your life before you go to your first counseling session. Simple question to yourself on each one--do you feel any guilt over that loss?

There is pain of loss, but pain of loss is not resolved if there is unrelieved guilt.

The monkey I think you carry on your back is that somehow, you deserved, or are guilty of, having lost people.

This can be distorted in your head, and just plain wrong.

You need to alleviate the sense of abandonment when it wasn't abandonment. Those that died didn't abandon you!

So you had one EA, stopped it from going further, confessed, atoned, and tried to make the future better for the last year.

Nobody is perfect. You did the right things after ending the EA. At some point, we have to forgive ourselves for being less than perfect.

Is there anything else you feel guilt for? Admit all to yourself.

Then you can work your way to a healthy recovery of each loss you've had, and carry no heavy loads.

Many, many people either carry burdens that they couldn't control, or don't forgive themselves. You need to do both.

[foamy2001]

Ok, so you had an EA. That was your contribution to the breakup. You accept that was your part of the breakup, your fault, whatever you want to call it.

Death of people you love is not your fault. Losing parents, grandparents, a son, all not your fault.

So you only have one thing to feel badly about, an EA a year ago.

First thing is to go back to the beginning in counseling. Your first loss--do you associate any guilt with it?

You go through each loss you have had in your life before you go to your first counseling session. Simple question to yourself on each one--do you feel any guilt over that loss?

There is pain of loss, but pain of loss is not resolved if there is unrelieved guilt.

The monkey I think you carry on your back is that somehow, you deserved, or are guilty of, having lost people.

This can be distorted in your head, and just plain wrong.

You need to alleviate the sense of abandonment when it wasn't abandonment. Those that died didn't abandon you!

So you had one EA, stopped it from going further, confessed, atoned, and tried to make the future better for the last year.

Nobody is perfect. You did the right things after ending the EA. At some point, we have to forgive ourselves for being less than perfect.

Is there anything else you feel guilt for? Admit all to yourself.

Then you can work your way to a healthy recovery of each loss you've had, and carry no heavy loads.

Many, many people either carry burdens that they couldn't control, or don't forgive themselves. You need to do both.

 

I do feel guilty for many of my losses. I know it is irrational and doesn't make much sense, but there are issues with my dad and son's death for which I have always blamed myself.

 

I feel like I might need counciling, but I don't know how to go about it. I have no insurance and money is super tight right now. I don't really have a home church to take this to. I have tried talking to family and friends, but I sense that they don't really know what to say or do.