Developing Boundaries within a friendship

[superfoxy]

Hi Everyone,

 

I have a friend who I met last fall. We worked in the same environment and talked at work mostly and had a few coffees together. Over xmas break I went back home, and she mostly did not speak to me at that time even though I responded to an email she had sent me. Suddenly when I got back she kept calling me and even calling me from different numbers. She was almost aggressive in how she talked and said she needed a place to stay and if she could stay with me, she made it sound like she would do me a favor by helping with some of my rent. I am a graduate student and am in a fast track masters program and can't live with anyone, and I told her no. I gave her suggestions of places she could move into near campus. She started to tell me how we should get together for coffee and she would bring her stuff with her. I almost feel like if she did see me she would try to get me to say yes for her to move in. Anyways after that I started to ignore her a bit. She eventually found a place near the campus. She left her home because she said her family was rough with her, but now she is telling me she also dislikes her roomates, she almost talks about them as if she likes them but then dislikes them at the same time. Anytime I meet her everything is about her. About a month ago I had a major breakdown ended up in the hospital with too much anxiety over family issues and stress at school. The doctor said take it easy and I am not taking care of myself with meditation, exercise a change in diet and soon going to counseling to figure my issues out. At some points I get really sad and other times I am okay, just dealing with being homesick. But when I am with her she will just go on and on and never even ask how I am doing. I feel I am her counselor and since I am a social worker I am feeling empathy for her. Once i told her my brother and nieces are coming to pick me up she told me to ask him to come 30 min later so she could talk to me more which I said no to as I find it rather disrespectful. Another time she told me i should go grocery shopping with her even though I said my friend would be at my place in 30 minutes. One time I asked her if we could just wait for another elevator because I am not into crowded elevators at all and she said no that her bag was way too heavy, even though I was helping her carry all her books. I just find her slightly selfish. I think I spend time with her because I am in a new city and have fewer friends. But I just don't think she respects my boundaries. If i don't answer she leaves me a message saying "you never answer" in a whiny voice, and she keeps calling or keeps texting even if I am not responding. I have a placement 3 times a week and its a full day in a courtroom I can't answer my phone or text in court I have told her that and she still tries to get my attention. I think she is a nice person in many ways but these qualities really make it hard to spend time with her. I am wondering how I can make it where I can limit my time with her or set firm boundaries?

[blueyedgrl85]

You are your first and only priority in life. You need to think about your own needs at this point. Take a look at your life and see what needs to be done in order to make it better. If you absolutely cannot get rid of this girl, then limit the time you spend with her. Set up boundaries where you say you only have time to meet for lunch for one hour and then you have class work to do. Otherwise, make a list and weigh the pros/cons of this "friendship." It is not bad to let go of a friend to take care of yourself- she doesn't seem to be much of a "friend" in the first place! Re-evaluate everything and then decide on how to proceed. Good luck!