WS's and Regret after the Fog

[ConflictedGuy27]

These questions are aimed at WS's but I'd welcome the experience of anybody with some Quasi direct or indirect knowledge on this. Personal experience would be an intersting read.

 

Have you, as a WS (or maybe a close friend of a WS) felt regret for straying from the M after the fog cleared?

 

For those with an answer to the above (especially if you were a WS), what did you regret specifically? Did you ever feel the need to reach out and tell your BS about those regrets, if any, or did you decide it was best to stay silent and move on?

 

A little background: i'm a BS (man) whose W started up an A with a coworker in January and has since started living there. It's a long story, lol.

 

Anyway I'm moving on without her quite nicely and I'm noticing that I'm begining to not care about her regret if and/or when she may feel that. I still wonder though, what is the WS's experience like AFTER the fog.

 

Can anyone share?

[anne1707]

It will be 2 years since Dday this summer and I would say that it took the first year really to get past feeling the guilt. I had hurt my H so badly and when the fog lifted, I could see what a selfish fool I had been. I felt ashamed of what I had done – all those lies, the betrayal of trust, the barriers I had put up in our marriage. We went through MC and I also had IC. The latter gave me an opportunity to process my thoughts/feelings/anger about the ex-OM with the aim of not letting that mess interfere in my marriage any more than it had already done so.

 

But you cannot hang on to the guilt forever. That would be unhealthy for me and the marriage. I now feel remorse for my actions and always will – but I do not live that pain anymore. My H has also never tried to make me feel guilty and has been incredibly supportive of me as we have worked our way through reconciliation.

 

A question I am now faced with is do I regret what happened? I do regret the lies, the pain and the time taken away from my H. Having an affair was an easy option from not actually dealing with the problems in my marriage. However my H and I have learnt so much about each other over the last 2 years and are so much better in communicating with each other and expressing our feelings. Our marriage is happier than it has been in years and I certainly don’t regret that.

[Spark1111]

Well, they say wherever you go there you are.

 

FBS here. One year out, my fWS was probably in Annie's shoes. Two years out, he really sort of despises himself and his OW for the affair and the delusions that led to it.

 

Don't know if this is the norm or not. I believe he never really saw her for who she truly was; he just saw what he needed to see in her and that was the illusion of how wonderful she thought he was.

 

But the bottom line: If an affair is a diversion to fulfill an unmet need within yourself, well eventually the affair will no longer fill that need when the hormones wear off.So.....

 

wherever you go, there you are!

[delirious]

I think the FOG is LOVE but clears only when the WS finds that the feelings of the AP are not reciprocated or they are thrown under a bus. When the WS finds that the feelings for the AP are not reciprocated, they struggle to find the H/W again as they panic. They convince themselves that they really loved the H anyway as they will drown in their stupidity at believing that there was something better, although none attainable as they are scared at being left alone and lose confidence due to being thrown UAB.

 

Conversely the BS could find that he/she really did have a part to play in making the A possible and change his/her behaviour in the marriage, making a reconcilication possible or the WS to feel guilty enough to try again. Just my experienced opinion.

[Snowflower]

I think the FOG is LOVE but clears only when the WS finds that the feelings of the AP are not reciprocated or they are thrown under a bus. When the WS finds that the feelings for the AP are not reciprocated, they struggle to find the H/W again as they panic. They convince themselves that they really loved the H anyway as they will drown in their stupidity at believing that there was something better, although none attainable as they are scared at being left alone and lose confidence due to being thrown UAB.

 

Interesting. So let me see if I understand this...the only way the 'fog' clears is if the WS is somehow rejected by their AP? The WS can't come to a realization on their own? That maybe they want to remain in their marriage, or that the affair/AP wasn't right for them?

 

If WS are as lost as described here...are rejected by their AP, have to convince themselves to remain with their H/W, well then I guess all WS are lost souls. I feel sorry for them.

 

 

 

Conversely the BS could find that he/she really did have a part to play in making the A possible and change his/her behaviour in the marriage, making a reconcilication possible or the WS to feel guilty enough to try again. Just my experienced opinion.

 

Of course, the affair would be entirely the fault of the BS.

 

Nothing the BS does makes an affair possible--it is the action of the WS that causes the affair.

 

I actually do take a lot of responsibility for the failure of my pre-affair marriage. Yes, my marriage did fail and my H had an A. However, his decision to behave so dishonorably was his failure, not mine. If he found our marriage unbearable, he should have told me this and we could have decided what to do next, i.e. divorce.

[Snowflower]

Did you ever feel the need to reach out and tell your BS about those regrets, if any, or did you decide it was best to stay silent and move on?

 

A little background: i'm a BS (man) whose W started up an A with a coworker in January and has since started living there. It's a long story, lol.

 

Anyway I'm moving on without her quite nicely and I'm noticing that I'm begining to not care about her regret if and/or when she may feel that. I still wonder though, what is the WS's experience like AFTER the fog.

 

Can anyone share?

 

CF, I'm not familiar with your entire story but I'm glad you are moving on.

 

Everyone is different and no one except your wife will be able to say if they regret her decision to have an A. Some WS seem to really regret the A, while others do not.

 

If you're moving on, try not to let the possibility of her regret or misgivings weigh you down.

 

Live your life, enjoy it and remember that you will most likely come out on top in this whole mess. What goes around comes around in many cases.

[silktricks]

6 years post D-Day from a fBS:

 

My H felt horrible guilt for a long time. He was wretched. But as someone said, guilt cannot continue forever. Would he go back and undo everything? If he could - in a heartbeat.

 

Would I have him go back and undo it? Ya know, probably not. The end result for us was a marriage that is closer, more intimate and more expressive than either of us would ever have been able to create without the extreme pain that we lived through.

 

That said, not all WS feel remorse. Some are happy with the choices they have made. There is no one size fits all in life - including infidelity. So, I'm glad you are moving on in your life.

 

As for the poster who said the fog is love... for those WS who regret the choices they made, believe me, their description would not mesh with yours in any part.

[onedayatatyme]

It will be 2 years since Dday this summer and I would say that it took the first year really to get past feeling the guilt. I had hurt my H so badly and when the fog lifted, I could see what a selfish fool I had been. I felt ashamed of what I had done – all those lies, the betrayal of trust, the barriers I had put up in our marriage. We went through MC and I also had IC. The latter gave me an opportunity to process my thoughts/feelings/anger about the ex-OM with the aim of not letting that mess interfere in my marriage any more than it had already done so.

 

But you cannot hang on to the guilt forever. That would be unhealthy for me and the marriage. I now feel remorse for my actions and always will – but I do not live that pain anymore. My H has also never tried to make me feel guilty and has been incredibly supportive of me as we have worked our way through reconciliation.

 

A question I am now faced with is do I regret what happened? I do regret the lies, the pain and the time taken away from my H. Having an affair was an easy option from not actually dealing with the problems in my marriage. However my H and I have learnt so much about each other over the last 2 years and are so much better in communicating with each other and expressing our feelings. Our marriage is happier than it has been in years and I certainly don’t regret that.

 

Boy, I'm jealous. Good for you guys. Tell me, how did d-day happen? Were you immediately remorseful, end the affair, go NC with OM or were you wrapped up in it for some time?

[anne1707]

Boy, I'm jealous. Good for you guys. Tell me, how did d-day happen? Were you immediately remorseful, end the affair, go NC with OM or were you wrapped up in it for some time?

 

 

It was an absolute mess. I was all over the place for too long on what I wanted - until that fog lifted

 

It was made worse (and still does) because I work with the ex-OM. I am looking for another job but there are very, very few opportunites at my level in a specialist sector.

[JustJoe]

Anne, I can't imagine that your H is very happy about you still having contact with the OM. After what happened, how could you possibly be able to allay any suspicions he (husband) might have? Do you honestly believe that no resumption of the A could happen? I wish I knew your story better. I can't wait to be able to PM people and ask my questions, directly. Your situation is fascinating.

[onedayatatyme]

It was an absolute mess. I was all over the place for too long on what I wanted - until that fog lifted

 

It was made worse (and still does) because I work with the ex-OM. I am looking for another job but there are very, very few opportunites at my level in a specialist sector.

 

And your H was big enough to give you space until the fog lifted? I'm asking because the dynamic that developed between my stbx and I post d-day generated mutual suspicion.

[Snowflower]

6 years post D-Day from a fBS:

 

My H felt horrible guilt for a long time. He was wretched. But as someone said, guilt cannot continue forever. Would he go back and undo everything? If he could - in a heartbeat.

 

Would I have him go back and undo it? Ya know, probably not. The end result for us was a marriage that is closer, more intimate and more expressive than either of us would ever have been able to create without the extreme pain that we lived through.

 

That said, not all WS feel remorse. Some are happy with the choices they have made. There is no one size fits all in life - including infidelity. So, I'm glad you are moving on in your life.

 

As for the poster who said the fog is love... for those WS who regret the choices they made, believe me, their description would not mesh with yours in any part.

 

Nice post, silk.

 

I think my H feels much the same way as yours does but with a good measure of shame mixed in. He has a difficult time discussing what he did but will talk about it if I ask. He mentions how ashamed he feels, how untrue he was to himself (which to me if almost worse than being untrue to another/me), how sordid (my word) the whole A was for him (my H uses the word 'dirty' which I find interesting).

 

Slightly off-topic, but I hope that in a few more years that I feel the same way as you do about not wishing to 'undo it'. I'm not there yet but from very early on in our recovery, I couldn't help but value the new relationship that was emerging. I'm learning how true the statement 'no pain, no gain' really is.

 

What he did, it still hurts... but life must go on. That horrible chapter in our lives, both as painful individual chapters for my H and I and a horrible chapter in our marriage is now closed forever. In a few weeks, we celebrate our 20th anniversary--I feel so old when I know I'm not at all! My H called me at work today to tell me about the plans he wanted to make for our anniversary. He was very excited and happy to be able to do this for us. Something fun...it's these small gestures that help my broken heart heal a little more.

 

Sorry for the t/j!

[anne1707]

My H is an amazing man. He has shown such strength and dignity - I am incredibly proud of him and the way he has handled all this. He recognised that he contributed to problems in our marriage leading up to my affair just as I did. I should add that he had a very brief affair years ago which we thought we had dealt with but obviously not when we started MC following my affair.

 

I changed my behaviours after Dday to be completely open and honest with my H and he could see that. If anything, I sometimes overdid telling him where I would be etc - he does not want me to feel as if I need to report all my movements to him,

[jennie-jennie]

I think the FOG is LOVE but clears only when the WS finds that the feelings of the AP are not reciprocated or they are thrown under a bus. When the WS finds that the feelings for the AP are not reciprocated, they struggle to find the H/W again as they panic. They convince themselves that they really loved the H anyway as they will drown in their stupidity at believing that there was something better, although none attainable as they are scared at being left alone and lose confidence due to being thrown UAB.

 

Interesting. So let me see if I understand this...the only way the 'fog' clears is if the WS is somehow rejected by their AP? The WS can't come to a realization on their own? That maybe they want to remain in their marriage, or that the affair/AP wasn't right for them?

 

In my experience combining these two posts is a good answer.

 

I too believe that there is no fog, but love. Sometimes the love does not hold true, whether it is because of the discovery that the other was not who you thought he/she was, or because the emotions were not reciprocated. That is my experience as a WS.

 

Realizing that the OM/OW was not who you thought he/she was or that the love was not reciprocated, can make you feel pretty stupid and make you regret the affair.

 

If the love proves true however, I can't see why you would ever regret it at all.

[anne1707]

In my experience combining these two posts is a good answer.

 

I too believe that there is no fog, but love. Sometimes the love does not hold true, whether it is because of the discovery that the other was not who you thought he/she was, or because the emotions were not reciprocated. That is my experience as a WS.

 

And based on my experience as a WS, I completely disagree.

[Snowflower]

My H is an amazing man. He has shown such strength and dignity - I am incredibly proud of him and the way he has handled all this. He recognised that he contributed to problems in our marriage leading up to my affair just as I did. I should add that he had a very brief affair years ago which we thought we had dealt with but obviously not when we started MC following my affair.

 

I changed my behaviours after Dday to be completely open and honest with my H and he could see that. If anything, I sometimes overdid telling him where I would be etc - he does not want me to feel as if I need to report all my movements to him,

 

anne, I truly appreciate your posts about your H, yourself (as a WS), your marriage, and your A.

 

There are few truly repentant WS on LS. And those who are repentant usually get 'picked on' enough that they eventually leave the forum. I'm so glad you have hung in there--even though I've seen others try to 'second-guess' your feelings--like you wouldn't know how you feel about your H and your xAP!

 

As a fBS, I know how hard it is to recover a marriage after infidelity. But your posts and thoughts are words of comfort to me many times. My H has/is trying so hard to be the man he was supposed to be but it is difficult for him to discuss his A. The more time that has gone by, the more difficult it becomes for him. So, I can take some of your posts here, digest them, and sometimes apply them to my husband. Of course, everyone is different and that is why I say 'some.' Sometimes I use points you bring up as a talking point for my H and I when we have those hard discussions. Fortunately, they are fewer and fewer now.

 

But again, thank you for hanging around here and posting. It's reassuring to many of us who are BS/fBS that there are repentant WS who do truly love their BH/BW.

Edited April 8, 2010 by Snowflower
Word choice!

[anne1707]

Thank you Snowflower

 

I know that I don't always post what some might want to hear or believe but all I can do is tell it how it was for me. I stick around because LS helped me get through some very tough times and if I can help someone else then that's good enough for me

[ThumbingMyWay]

First off....Hello CG....I have read your entire thread....well...I just read your posts...not the replys.

 

 

I am a BS....my wife had a 18 month affair with her boss. Its been...wow..over 5 years now. We are still together. Was a long haul...but well worth it. She confessed....long story, but the fact is we worked and worked on it....lots of bumps in the road...but all is good now, if not better than before.

 

Anway...I wanted to give my take on my wife being the WS and I have a good idea of what she would say to your questions.

 

 

Have you, as a WS (or maybe a close friend of a WS) felt regret for straying from the M after the fog cleared?

 

Yes she felt regret after the fog cleared. But I remember in the first few weeks after Dday, in MC....I stated "I am committed to this marriage for the rest of my life". I looked at her and asked if she was....she couldnt answer...only a look of i dont know.

 

It took MONTHS for her to break out of the fog. And almost a full year in recovery before I actually felt she was remorsefull. A full year for her to actually SHOW me remorse. It was numerous times she would just hug me and say how sorry and stupid she was to take me and our family and everything we had for granted. She was truely sorry and angry at herself. But the best part for me was....I felt it...meaning, I felt her genuine remorse. And that was something I needed, especailly after a year in recovery.

 

For those with an answer to the above (especially if you were a WS), what did you regret specifically? Did you ever feel the need to reach out and tell your BS about those regrets, if any, or did you decide it was best to stay silent and move on?

 

She was regretfull that she hurt me in the worst way possible...by falling in love and sleeping wiht another man. She was regretfull that she COULD have hurt our kids if she were to have left the marriage. She was regretfull that she let herself become someone she dispised. It took her a long time to forgive herself.

 

And yes...she was glad she told me. Albeit it took a full year for her to admit EVERYTHING.....yes...1 year later, I still was getting info. But my gut told me everything I knew...she just finally confirmed it...but a year later. And ya know...I knew everything....and when she finally admitted YES to a few points that she didnt before....it didnt hurt so bad...cause my gut alredy knew the truth.

 

 

We both wanted to stay together...that was the big key.

 

anyway...good luck with the your new journey....its like CG's life part 2.

[onedayatatyme]

I changed my behaviours after Dday to be completely open and honest with my H and he could see that. If anything, I sometimes overdid telling him where I would be etc - he does not want me to feel as if I need to report all my movements to him,

 

Ahhh, that makes me feel better. That is what was missing with us. My stbx resented everything I asked for her to open up.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Thanks to each of you that posted so far - it's been a very interesting read.

 

Like I mentioned before, I will be moving on without my wayward STBX; but I'm what you call an "under the hood" type of guy, so understanding a bit more about what she may be feeling, at least academically, is interesting to me.

 

I found the comment "the fog is love" to be pretty powerful. That's a very first person way of looking at the A, and what us WS's refer to as the fog. I would suspect it's more infatuation and maybe a feeling of "love", but it certainly isn't the type of love between committed spouses in a working M. Regardless of how anybody classifies the "fog", it's clear that it's damn powerful.

 

I also see how some WS's having A's for the long term (statistical anomalies) relationships may not feel remorse. For them, obviously their moral compass needs a major tune up.

 

Great posts, all.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I also think it's interesting how so many posters that have reconciled are showing up with such relevant posts - but it makes sense.

 

Those WS's that either snap out of it soon, or those BS's that allow enough time to pass for the longer A's to fizzle would likely have front row seats to any remorse shown - which, if geniune, can often lead to reconcilliation.

 

I would suspect that few BS's will show up with a story saying that their ex WS came back years later expressing genuine guilt or remorse - that also makes sense. Who's pride would allow them to perform such a gesture when there aren't any ties left, like children.

 

Again, thank you all for sharing the great posts.

I appreciate the insight.

[wheelwright]

In my experience combining these two posts is a good answer.

 

I too believe that there is no fog, but love. Sometimes the love does not hold true, whether it is because of the discovery that the other was not who you thought he/she was, or because the emotions were not reciprocated. That is my experience as a WS.

 

Realizing that the OM/OW was not who you thought he/she was or that the love was not reciprocated, can make you feel pretty stupid and make you regret the affair.

 

If the love proves true however, I can't see why you would ever regret it at all.

 

So time will tell.

[jennie-jennie]

So time will tell.

 

As in any relationship, it takes about a year for you to get to know the real person.

[delirious]

I also think it's interesting how so many posters that have reconciled are showing up with such relevant posts - but it makes sense.

 

Those WS's that either snap out of it soon, or those BS's that allow enough time to pass for the longer A's to fizzle would likely have front row seats to any remorse shown - which, if geniune, can often lead to reconcilliation.

 

I would suspect that few BS's will show up with a story saying that their ex WS came back years later expressing genuine guilt or remorse - that also makes sense. Who's pride would allow them to perform such a gesture when there aren't any ties left, like children.

 

Again, thank you all for sharing the great posts.

I appreciate the insight.

 

Well it makes sense to me why the reconciled WSs and their BSs call it a FOG and the ones that are not call it LOVE. If the reconciled WSs called it LOVE then it would be harder to reconcile so minimising the feelings helps the BS and if the WS was dumped it makes them feel less hurt. And if the none reconciled WSs called it FOG or the one still in the relationship with the AP that would be demeaning their relationship with AP voila. But then again we are all different and feelings of love can be much stronger for some couples than others, no two being the same. Some people never feel that incredible love connection with another person, married or affair. When you feel it, you never want to let it go. But that would be like describing colours to a blind person.

[anne1707]

Well it makes sense to me why the reconciled WSs and their BSs call it a FOG and the ones that are not call it LOVE. If the reconciled WSs called it LOVE then it would be harder to reconcile so minimising the feelings helps the BS and if the WS was dumped it makes them feel less hurt. And if the none reconciled WSs called it FOG or the one still in the relationship with the AP that would be demeaning their relationship with AP voila.

 

And your point is????

 

A WS who has reconciled has been able to see where their heart really lies i.e. with their spouse hence the fog has lifted. There are also plenty of non-reconciled WS who would still refer to the affair fog because again what they really wanted was at home all the time but realised too late. Reconciliation is not about demeaning the affair, it is about realising the marriage is the true priority and what is wanted above all else.

 

Fog does not mean that there was no love but is does mean that things get so screwed up in an affair that the WS loses sight of what really matters to them.

 

 

But then again we are all different and feelings of love can be much stronger for some couples than others, no two being the same. Some people never feel that incredible love connection with another person, married or affair. When you feel it, you never want to let it go. But that would be like describing colours to a blind person.

 

I personally find it very condescending of people to imply that they feel love more than others do.