DudeMan27 Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 It's been a year. That should be enough time, but nothing has changed. I think about her alot, and I miss her more and more and the regret just builds. I'm really not going to get into the breakup because I have much before on here but somewhere along the line I lost what little confidence I had. Her family and friends were wonderful, but I always questioned if they liked me or thought I was good enough for her. My self esteem got so low it affected our sex life, badly. I put off seeing a doctor because I was convinced it was all in my head and I was embarrassed. By the time I did, the chemistry was shot and the relationship was done. I was nowhere near the boyfriend I normally am. I picked fights, I put my friends above her sometimes, even though I knew full well what I had and how miserable I'd be if we split. It was like I couldn't control my actions. Due to that, we took some time from speaking and then started talking last summer. i know you shouldn't, but the guilt from treating her badly at times I needed her to know I was sorry and see I was a good person. I broke down around thanksgiving after I lost my job sending her a text about how stupid I feel for letting such avoidable things ruin our relationship and that "i dont know what I expect you to say, but I miss you and wish we talked more" She responded that she would be happy to talk more, if it was something I was cool with, but if I needed more time she understood and that she wished she had something different to say because I was such a great person. I was crushed and decided NC from there on out. FF to mid january my comp got a virus and sent out spam email to about 8 people in my address book. She was one. It happend a few times and she always replied with a joke abuot it being somethign dirty and I would just say sorry and make a joke about me not being the kind of person to send adult websites to his ex. After a few of those emails, maybe once a week, I just told her I hoped her and her family had a great christmas and said happy new year. She wrote back the same and mentioned she visited her mexican friend in Cancun for NYE. After that, once again I said I dont need to know how great her life and travels are, I just assumed she went with a guy, so I was NC again. Her bday was comming up and I ignored it. Two weeks later out of the blue on a Friday I get a text from her saying "whats up and she was just checking in to see how life was" It was the first time since last summer she texted me unprovoked. I didnt read anything into it but thought it was odd because we had kind of 'caught up' thru those emails and a quick text a few weeks before. We chatted thru text that night and she mentioned she had just gotten back from a Europe trip. Once again, I assume some guy took her, even tho she does travel alot, and said I do not need to know what is going on in her life while mine is so crappy, and tried to restart NC. The next week she responds to another of those spam emails with a joke, and I cracked. I told her that I didnt forget about her birthday and I felt bad because she was the first person to text me on mine at 7am. I also added, "maybe we can talk later this week when we are both free" She said that she would love to catch up and to call her anytime. I realized that was a dumb move and didnt call. 4 days later she calls and I missed it. I called her back the next night and we talked for about an hour, mainly about our friends/family. She knew I lost my job, even tho I never told her, and offered to help me look for one in her hometown (which is a much bigger city about an hour away) She ended the call with saying lets not go so long between catching up and if I'm ever up in her city (which I am alot) to seriously let her know. A few days later another email sent from my comp and she replied to it again. We havent spoken since. I dont know if it was just the fact we were having communication, and I could look forward to knowing we had plans of speaking in the future that got me goin, but I really got out of my funk in the past month. I so bad since last fall wanted to speak with her, but didnt want to be the crazy ex that couldn't let go. And even when I thought I was, with those text at Thanksgiving about missing her, she still texted me last month wondering about me. I was doing as well as I could since the breakup. Since I lost my job I was hitting the gym twice a day, getting the best sleep since the breakup and really upbeat. I still thought of her, but had relief that I must have at least crossed her mind at least once, when before a big reason I was in a major depression was because I couldnt stop thinking about this wonderful, beautiful woman who was crazy about me, and now she never even thought of me. I guess that unprovoked text snaped me out of it for a while. But now, Im falling back down. EVERYTHING makes me think of her in some way. If I hear a freind say how hot a girl is, or how in love he is, I think "my ex was way hotter or, how can this guy love THIS girl, but I didnt immediately fall in love with my ex when she is 10 times better. (I know thats really shallow, but i cant help but feel that way) I havent dated anyone since the breakup. Ive only drunkenly made out iwth two girls, and frankly I have no desire to date anyone. I live in a small town and see the same people everytime I go out and have no attraction to anyone here. I basically sit alone most nights. My friends are all either settled down and rarely want to leave the house, or just dont want to do anything. With her, I there was something giong on every night. Dinner parties, friends get togethers, she lived in the bigger city so there was ALWAYS something to do. I was meeting new people each and every week, I was meeting people from all over the world, as she traveld her whole life and made friends. Now, my life is so boring. Im going to wrap this up because it is getting too long, but I just wanted to write out my feelings. Im going to be 28 soon, most people i know are either married or in a potential marriage relationship by now. thats what i had. I fantastic, beautiful girl who everyone LOVED, marriage material to a T. We would have been together 2 years by now, and I should have been saying "after all the heartbreak i suffered thru the years, that it finally came true" She was my "someone better" she was my better life. Instead of sitting at home night after night, or seeing the same pepole day in and day out, I could have been traveling the world with her, meeting tons of new people each week and having fun. Now here I am, with no job, no direction. I had such a set plan for my life this time last year, now I want to sell my house and move to a bigger city, just to try and meet some new people. I think about us dating and cannot believe THAT girl was in my arms, and I did nothing but push her away. I want to show her off to my friends as if "look, look at the girl I dated. I wish you knew how wonderful she was" I miss my other friends being jealous because I had her. I had THAT kind of girl into me, and now I have nothing. Time is supposed to heal, and I feel not an ounce different than I did the day I left her house with us both crying. I just dont know how to pick myself back up again. A year and nothing makes me as happy as hearing from her. Not a holiday, not my friends, not anything. I should be looking at engagement rings by now and living in the big city and traveling. Now I am always by myself and so bored with life and feeling of the loss of a golden opportunity at happiness.
McGrupp Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 u got 2 problems there homeboy... 1st one...your lack of NC has kept hope alive. you know what? you made some mistakes...we all did thats why were here. so you gotta learn to forgive yourself. i suggest go out and buy the book "pycho-cybernetics" great chapter in there about forgiving yourself for your mistakes. 2nd problem: I havent dated anyone since the breakup. Ive only drunkenly made out iwth two girls, and frankly I have no desire to date anyone. I live in a small town and see the same people everytime I go out and have no attraction to anyone here. I basically sit alone most nights. My friends are all either settled down and rarely want to leave the house, or just dont want to do anything. With her, I there was something giong on every night. Dinner parties, friends get togethers, she lived in the bigger city so there was ALWAYS something to do. I was meeting new people each and every week, I was meeting people from all over the world, as she traveld her whole life and made friends. Now, my life is so boring.cool. she had an awesome life. so your so ****ing young. go do that. go make your life awesome. im not going to sit here and tell you what that is...but you can do it!...just go. take your life savings and get out of that ****ing town. i think a huge thing people overlook when they say "move on" is to actually take it literally...and ****ing move!!!. anyway...good luck homeboy. also go rent "high fidelity" cause your ex kinda reminds me of the Catherine Zeta Jones character...
DustySaltus Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Dude, I'm 28. Been through a broken engagement and have gotten back out there. From time to time I beat myself up about the past as well but someway, somehow I've managed to move forward. It took me about 6 months before I could get back out there again. Don't put a timeline on things. I'm 26 I should be a "x" point in my life, i'm 28 at should be at "y"....what's the rush? Having that mentality will put you in a sort of panic that may make you end up with someone you're not supposed to be with. The idea of picking up and moving doesn't sound like a bad idea, if that's what you truly want. However, if you don't change your MINDSET it doesn't matter whether you move from Alaska to Hawaii or New York to LA...it would just be a different background with the same mentality.
Rearden Metal Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Dude, I'm 28. Been through a broken engagement and have gotten back out there. From time to time I beat myself up about the past as well but someway, somehow I've managed to move forward. It took me about 6 months before I could get back out there again. Don't put a timeline on things. I'm 26 I should be a "x" point in my life, i'm 28 at should be at "y"....what's the rush? Having that mentality will put you in a sort of panic that may make you end up with someone you're not supposed to be with. The idea of picking up and moving doesn't sound like a bad idea, if that's what you truly want. However, if you don't change your MINDSET it doesn't matter whether you move from Alaska to Hawaii or New York to LA...it would just be a different background with the same mentality. QFT At 28, I was 10 yrs ahead of my peers. I had money, was important in my field, was married and had everything one would want. At 32, I'm nearly broke, divorced and single.... and I'm .... I'm.... I'm actually becoming a happier man than I ever was before. Life throws some nasty curveballs. I mean some real nasty, Sandy Koufax offspeed stuff that breaks your knees. Breaks your back. Humbles you completely. I broke. All the way. And then, slowly, I started climbing back. You will, too.
DustySaltus Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Dude, between McGrupp, RM and myself you have hours of reading material if you want to see all the crap we've been through. But we have come a long way and you shall too. So what are you going to do to get the ball rolling?
GrayClouds Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Dude, between McGrupp, RM and myself Kind of like "The 3 Musketeers of Misery; righting the wrongs of the broken hearted among us. Making the world a better place." PS DUDE listen to them, they will help.
DustySaltus Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Kind of like "The 3 Musketeers of Misery; righting the wrongs of the broken hearted among us. Making the world a better place." PS DUDE listen to them, they will help. All we need is one more and we can start a LS basketball team....we got 4. Where's Hokie & Banana at?
Author DudeMan27 Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 Guys, thanks for taking the time to read thru the long post and give me your input. Believe me, I've also been thru it before. My 2 1/2 year gf in college broke up with me out of the blue for a guy that not only lived in my neighborhood, but I had several classes with. I thought for sure I was going to marry this girl. We were SO close to each other. My last 2 years of the college experienced were basically ruined becasue this ruined me. It took me nearly two more years to date another person. And even then I still compared the girls looks, personality, humor to my ex who I hadnt seen since our breakup. Pretty sad I know. This new girl was amazingly gorgeous, a dance instructor, everyone was jealous of me. She broke up with me too, and I again went into a sad state wondering how I'm getting these good looking girls but can't keep then. I was so upset, just like now. Another year and half went by, I finally met my last ex. She was a friend of a really good friend. Beautiful, kind, fun, trustworthy. She hadn't dated much in her life either, but was so into me. Because of those 2 heartbreaks that took so long to fully recover from, I didnt give myself completely to her. I had a wall up, and was standoffish. Sometimes declining to see her family with her, and doing things with her. Although she made my life 50X more excitiing than it ever was. I was never a big traveler, never knew that many people other than my closest friends. And she had me going everywhere, and meeting tons of new people and new experiences every day every week. Thinking back to who hard it was for me to move past those first two I can't shake the mindset that she was 'it' After those breakups, I got the "you'll find ur girl, theres better for you out there, etc" And I really believe she was it. Such a fun life, and big inviting family, the kind I've always wanted to be apart of, living in a much bigger much more exciting city than me. Its stuff like that that make me think God finally put a good one in my hands, and I blew it. Now I have to start all over again, and here I am again, just like college 7 years ago, not finding anyone else as attractive, as fun, as trustworthy no matter how hard I try. I sometimes dont even want to put in the energy right now for a relationship. But I had over a year in with her, we could be starting a serious life together by now. Now I'm starting over and I feel like we barely got off the ground. Like I said before, I decided on NC twice, a week after I got the email from her replying to that spam, then I decided on it again, and I got the text asking how life was (and I dont think it was her throwing crumbs, shes not that kind of person, shes really caring of my feelings, but it wasnt like we went that long without contact, we texted after new years and had the email exchanges) But I do know I need to get into that right mentality. At times I really was, but never completely. I really believe I missed a wonderful chance with someone, no matter if I find someone else or not. I think I missed a great life with her and her family and it kills me. It was all so avoidable. Ive never lived anywhere else but near my small family and friends in my small town in my life, and I'm closer than ever to picking up and moving just to meet some new people and do something besides see the same people, in the same restuarants, on the same streets, in the same stores, day after day. Thats why it's so hard though, I had all that already and I blew it again. This time last year I pictured myself living closer to her with a better job, shopping for engagement rings. But here I am the complete opposite. No job, a house I can't afford in a terrible neighborhood, and I dont even have her anymore.
Engadget Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 It sucks how someone you love can still make you happy after they break your heart. When me and my ex hung out after she lied, cheated and I broke up with her, she's the only thing that makes me happy. Then the next day I spiral downwards when I know she's seeing this other person. I told her yesterday there's no more. Haven't heard from her yet, but I've been pretty depressed as well for at least 3 months now since I lost my job, and later the breakup. I'm as low as I could be. I can only go up from here but nothing is really changing.
EmperorR Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Try living with the pain of your slut ex fiancé hving a abortion behind your back Been almost two years and I still hate her for it every day
DustySaltus Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Dude, I know where you are coming from, read this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t218249/
just1guy Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 (edited) I was holding the fact that the outcome wasn't what it was supposed to be against her as if she intentionally broke up just to ruin my life and plans. It was this feeling that kept me from healing and moving on. At the end of the day, some people are just not meant to be with each other, regardless of how "perfect" you think they are. You need to really knock her off that pedestal and understand that there's not just one person out there for everyone. Life just doesn't happen as planned sometimes. You prepare, do what is neccessary with school, job, etc, and sometimes the outcome doesn't come out the way you want it to. I'm 32, and thought that I was supposed to be at a certain point in my life like most of my friends, but you know what, as mentioned before, sometimes life throws you a change up when you're expecting a fastball. So you take it, and keep playing the game. You said that before her, you didn't travel much, or meet new people, or experience new things. Maybe it took this breakup for you to really find the life you want outside your circle. Move to the city. Travel. Do what you missed from when you were with her, on your own. I look at life as a linear graph and always had an outcome in mind if I took all the neccessary steps to get there, and here I am. I'm not going to change who I am, but I can now at least accept what happened and move on. It took a different viewpoint from my therapist to identify why I couldn't let my ex go. Stay strong man, and don't give up. Edited April 10, 2010 by just1guy
monkeymaid Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 wow. ...a whole year?? ...sounds like your capacity for love is great, you realize your mistakes, you just are beating yourself up for erring. ....dude, we all make mistakes. thats how we learn. ....my opinion is you should post here and tell us all of the things you like about yourself, the things you like doing, and the things you want to do. ...without referencing your ex. ....then we will go from there lets make it easier. ....write 7 things you like about yourself.
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