mzdolphin Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 (edited) Quick history. Met MM when he was single 20 years ago. We dated, but I dumped him, moved to another state. We reconnected two years ago. He said he was divorced (later found out that he was only living in another state from his wife for four years. Not legally separated.) I emailed her when I suspected he was lying. Thought it was over. We hooked up again. We continued the affair for a few months until I broke it off. Had NC for about a year. Then out of blue he starts emailing. He has moved back with his wife, but wants to see me again. Things have changed. I no longer want a relationship with him. Don't want him to leave his wife. I am attracted to him. He talked of loving me and not being able to get over me. I demanded he stop with the silly "I'm torn and don't know if I even love my wife stuff." He wants to hook up, says he misses me. I said, you want to have sex. At first he tried the whole I can't stop thinking about you and it's more than the sex, blah blah. I have no fairytale wishes of a life with him. In fact his behavior (contacting me) has convinced me that he's not "relationship" material. I'm not seeing anyone. I'm in my mid forties and would like to have sex. It's always been great with him. We have tons in common and a history. He lives four hours away, but wants to make trips to see me, and plan ongoing meetings. Haven't gone through with it, but really thinking about it. I demanded that he stopped the whole "I want to make love to you stuff." I told him all the talk of loving me was silly. I told him you enjoy having sex with me and the feelings is mutual. For some reason this has made everything far less stressful and more enjoyable for me. I set the rules. I said to him if we are going to have an affair, then that's the way we need to treat it. (Before he was spending so much time with me). I told him he can't come to my house and if we are to meet it must be at a hotel and no overnight stays. I'm divorced and never thought I'd be in this type of situation. I'm surprised at how liberating this feels. Edited April 8, 2010 by mzdolphin
secretlifeofjane28 Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 But, he's still M? And wants to remain M? If so, you have to turn this offer down. I know that you are not M, but you need to put yourself in his W's shoes... IMHO. You can find SM to have sex with if that is really what it is all about. Personally, I would not feel good having sex with MM, even if I were single. It can cause more damage to your soul than you think. It is not a decision based on integrity and will do nothing to further your growth as an individual.
OWoman Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 I set the rules. I said to him if we are going to have an affair, then that's the way we need to treat it. (Before he was spending so much time with me). I told him he can't come to my house and if we are to meet it must be at a hotel and no overnight stays. I'm divorced and never thought I'd be in this type of situation. I'm surprised at how liberating this feels. This can be really empowering and fulfilling - IF it's what you want. You say you're over him emotionally - and if you are, and can just see him as a convenient (and capable ) piece of meat, then great! But if building the bonkfire brings back those old feelings of wanting to be with him, then you'll be in the danger zone again. Think carefully before you go through with this - how certain are you that you've moved on emotionally? Is there any risk this could set you back? If it's all good, then go for it - and enjoy!
Author mzdolphin Posted April 10, 2010 Author Posted April 10, 2010 This can be really empowering and fulfilling - IF it's what you want. You say you're over him emotionally - and if you are, and can just see him as a convenient (and capable ) piece of meat, then great! But if building the bonkfire brings back those old feelings of wanting to be with him, then you'll be in the danger zone again. Think carefully before you go through with this - how certain are you that you've moved on emotionally? Is there any risk this could set you back? If it's all good, then go for it - and enjoy! Well, I am concerned about the emotional. I feel really strong about not wanting anything long-term with him. I'm convinced he's a cheat and always will be. I did tell him I changed my mind. I think I got cold feet. Plus I really didn't feel like the hassle. He called immediately after getting the email. He was begging and pleading. I told him it wasn't just about respecting the marriage, which he has no respect for. It was more about protecting myself. I consider myself pretty level headed. I'm quite honest about my flaws, insecurities. I am attracted to him. I think having that history (from 20 years ago) makes it tougher. As for folks who say you can find someone single to sleep with it. That's not that easy. I mean it's hard to find someone you feel that comfortable with, have a connection with. To me that would be showing more lack of self respect. I don't get why folks pile on the OW as having low self esteem or no self respect because she has a relationship with a MM. But they don't have the same feelings about a wife who stays with a man who cheats on her all the time. Where is her self respect, esteem? I am divorced, kicked my cheating husband out. Broke things off with MM only because he presented himself as divorced and wanting a relationship. I broke it off because he was offering something he never planned to give. I'm at a stage in my life where my primary concern is raising my 13-year-old son. He gets most of my time and attention. I have a career, friends and my tennis buddies. Just not wanting to bring another guy into my son's life. His father picks him up two to three times a week, so he doesn't need a "father figure". I would like to have sex and not just with "some single guy". Would prefer a single guy. Would prefer some single guy I was crazy about. Not there right now.
califnan Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Well, I am concerned about the emotional. I feel really strong about not wanting anything long-term with him. I'm convinced he's a cheat and always will be. I did tell him I changed my mind. I think I got cold feet. Plus I really didn't feel like the hassle. He called immediately after getting the email. He was begging and pleading. I told him it wasn't just about respecting the marriage, which he has no respect for. It was more about protecting myself. I consider myself pretty level headed. I'm quite honest about my flaws, insecurities. I am attracted to him. I think having that history (from 20 years ago) makes it tougher. As for folks who say you can find someone single to sleep with it. That's not that easy. I mean it's hard to find someone you feel that comfortable with, have a connection with. To me that would be showing more lack of self respect. I don't get why folks pile on the OW as having low self esteem or no self respect because she has a relationship with a MM. But they don't have the same feelings about a wife who stays with a man who cheats on her all the time. Where is her self respect, esteem? I am divorced, kicked my cheating husband out. Broke things off with MM only because he presented himself as divorced and wanting a relationship. I broke it off because he was offering something he never planned to give. I'm at a stage in my life where my primary concern is raising my 13-year-old son. He gets most of my time and attention. I have a career, friends and my tennis buddies. Just not wanting to bring another guy into my son's life. His father picks him up two to three times a week, so he doesn't need a "father figure". I would like to have sex and not just with "some single guy". Would prefer a single guy. Would prefer some single guy I was crazy about. Not there right now. ------------------------- Hi MZ, First to answer the question about the W who puts up with the cheating husband.. She doesn't have to prove anything.. She is his Wife.. But I mostly wanted to tell you that you are really on the Right Track! It would be so easy to let someone into your life who you are attracted to and maybe once loved.. You chose the loyalty to you son. And to prefer to go with your life as the Whole, Complete woman that you are.. God will bless you for waiting.
bentnotbroken Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 What did his wife say when you emailed her? and when you told her you were thinking about having sex with him?
2sunny Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 1). Well, I am concerned about the emotional. I feel really strong about not wanting anything long-term with him. I would like to have sex and not just with "some single guy". Would prefer a single guy. 2). Would prefer some single guy I was crazy about. Not there right now. 1). if you go back to "just sex" with him, it's likely you will become more emotionally attached to what he will never be capable of giving you. an honesty and emotionally available man who is faithful. 2). if you become entangled with him further - you will never make room for the man you prefer.
Author mzdolphin Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 What did his wife say when you emailed her? and when you told her you were thinking about having sex with him? Well of course I didn't tell her I was thinking about sleeping with him. When I contacted him, he had presented himself as divorced. I did some investigating and found he was lying. He then said he was trying to get out of the marriage without suffering major financial losses, but was afraid that if I knew he was married I wouldn't see him. Remember, at this time they had lived in different states (her in Cleveland area) and he in Florida and Richmond, Va. I had proof of that, had been to his home in Richmond more than once. I even did a background check in which I found there home was transfered from both their names, just into her name. So facts supported his statements. But I later found out he had filed for bankruptcy due do a failed business and I believe putting the house in her name only was to save the house. This means financially, she does hold most of the cards. They are journalists and the job situation is shaky. But he is working on his second book. So when I told her I was careful not to blame, accuse, or anything. Because I really didn't know what was going on . I gave her a brief history (nothing intimate. Just stating he and I met in 1991 and dated when I lived in Pittsburgh. Because she was his co-worker then, I thought this might jog her memory and prevent him from making up some lie that his was just something casual. I stated what he told me. And that I didn't know what the truth was. I told her the only thing I knew for sure was that he was not an honest person. " I never heard from her, but he called immediately, because I ccd him on the message. He said he was sorry I felt I had to do that. He didn't want to break it off. I broke it off. Two months later he called and pleaded his case that his marriage was over and he wanted to be with me. I saw him three times after that and then told him I just couldn't do it. Had NC (blocked his email) for about a year. Then he sent message from new paper he was working for. It was professional, about the industry. Then later, I miss you. Then later, I want to see you, blah blah. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested. But I do not see him as a possible partner. I'm attracted to him but have my own life. I played tennis with a nice single guy Saturday. He said, let's do this again. I had a great time. Don't know where it's going, but I do know we won't have to hide or meet in secret.
SouthernSunshine Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 1). if you go back to "just sex" with him, it's likely you will become more emotionally attached to what he will never be capable of giving you. an honesty and emotionally available man who is faithful. 2). if you become entangled with him further - you will never make room for the man you prefer. My thoughts exactly! To the OP: You are so much more than a bored MM's lay!
PhillySpecial Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 It sounds like you really don't want to settle for this MM... you're just horny. The fact that he's a liar would turn me off completely from the idea of dealing with him on that level again. He's still trying to manipulate you by playing on your emotions. And although you say that you don't want him in that way, the fact that you once loved him and getting involved with him intimately again I could see those feelings resurfacing. Why do that to yourself? Personally, once I throw out trash I don't go out and try to recycle it later. Its best to move on. Date other men, I'm sure you can do much better than this sloppy seconds loser.
Author mzdolphin Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 Sorry, I'm just checking back in. I know his wife knows because I told her myself when he was claiming they were divorced. I emailed her with his claims and made sure he was ccd on it. I told her I don't know what the truth is. I added details (nothing sexual) about his were abouts. Recently I did the math, and it seems she was married and so was he when they first hooked up. Remember I met him 18 years ago. They were co-workers. I broke up with him and then he started dating her after I moved away. He later moved in with her and they lived together for three years before getting married. So she knows he's a cheat because he cheated with her. They are both cheats. I told him I didn't want to see him. He sends emails, focusing on sports (he's a sportswriter, I am a former sportswriter) to keep his foot in the door. I remember telling him a year ago that if he ever contacted me again I would send the emails to his wife, showing he started up after the last time. Now I don't care to do that. That's her business. He's her business.
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