She's leaving me, But wants me in her life still. How can I cope with that?

[photoshop]

My girlfriend is leaving me to do some soul-searching after 5 great years. She's 24, I'm 27. Apparently she

had been feeling this way for several months and finally got the courage to tell me she's

unhappy with her life and she wants her own place, doesn't feel ready for the perfect

relationship she says we have. She loves me more than anything, But feels this is something

she needs to do for herself.

 

This all happened a month ago, It's been awkward because we still live together and everytime i see her

she gets emotional and weepy and wants to hug me etc. But just yesterday she found a place that her and

her best friend susan are going to move into soon. So the ball is definitely rolling.She feels guilty and feels

bad for hurting me and feels horrible about feeling excited about the thought of having her OWN place to take care of.

She says that she doesn't understand why she's giving up our great relationship, she knows that I'm

so good for her and that I do so much for her soul. But also feels that she wants to be on her own,

feel independent. She's cried a lot over this whole thing, i mean A LOT. So have I.

I've been trying to support her decision and let her go, because if she doesn't figure this stuff

out now, She'll never be happy with me. It's been tough. But She's told me that she still wants to know me

and still wants me to be in her life.

 

I love this girl as much as the day I first told her

5 years ago. I always did my best to care for her and give her all my love and devotion. I respect her and

want her to be happy so, I want her to be able to be free and do what she has to do for herself.

 

MY PROBLEM IS:

How do I deal with this? I 've been trying and I'm planning on doing my own thing, Not sink into a depression and

just focus on Me and doing my own thing now. But when she puts it out there and says:

"I still want to know you, If you want to know me" or "I want to make you dinners at my new place, If you still

want to be around me"...How do I respond to that? What is she trying to say to me in those statements? Is she trying

to keep me nearby? It makes me feel like it's all on ME to initiate a get together or a cup of coffee.

I just don't know what the right thing to do is. Shouldn't I let her have her space and not be around her

so much? I mean, I have to cope and heal too. It's hard to look in her eyes, because I just see the girl I fell in love

with and she's leaving me. It's hard for me to just be her friend. Maybe I need some time away as well. I don't

want to lose touch with her, I hope we can be together again someday. Or should we? Should I hang around?

I don't know...

Any advice would help. Thank You.

[tattoomytoe]

try asking her what her expectations of you staying involved that she has, and discuss whether or not those things will work, and i sure ya'll will be able to agree on something.

[SoleMate]

Are you sure she's leaving YOU? Could be she is just leaving the apartment you share. She has been with you since she was 19, which means she has never been that independent, solo adult. Now is a much better time to try some freedom.

 

I would really try to get both of you to calm down and talk honestly about what you want. You should definitely talk know about whether you expect yourself or the other to refrain from sex with other partners. DON'T gloss over this issue or consider it obvious or offensive.

 

As far as further contact, try this sample dialogue:

 

HER: I want to make you dinners at my new place, if you still want to be around me.

 

YOU: I'd like that. Just give me a call and I'll do my best to be there.

 

HER: You're probably really angry at me about...all THIS.

 

YOU: I am hurt, I will admit that. I can see that this is hard for you too.

 

Later...on the phone.

 

HER: Can you come over for dinner tonight?

 

YOU: Oh, I wish I could. I already have plans for a burger and a movie with <person>. How about a rain check?

 

HER: (hurt) Oh, never mind. It doesn't matter.

 

YOU: Let's make it next Tuesday?

 

HER: OK.

 

Don't be at her beck and call, but don't be standoffish out of pride. You both might actually find that this is a period of discovery that takes your relationship to a new level over time. But clarity and ground rules are essential. Either agree to a) no sex for either of you, b) sex OK, but must be disclosed, c) sex OK, and must NOT be disclosed....or whatever. And be realistic, knowing that your feelings may be on a rollercoaster.

 

Good luck!

[phantomblues]

Sounds like a case of her Having her Cake and Eating it Too. Don't allow yourself to be strung along.

Think about it long and hard and look deep inside yourself and decide, Is this girl worth your time and Heartache?

[steffany]

I disagree!

 

People need to love and respect and know themselves. So if she feels she needs to find out what she is all about and be her own woman then respect that as it is.

 

She is not telling you there is a problem in your relationship other than a deep seeded problem within herself. So if you love her you should want her to figure all this out.

 

If you are planning on waiting by for this day to come. Mistake. You could let someone great go by! Keep living your life but not sadly as she has no qualms with you.

 

Life can be a very rocky rollercoaster for us all and we all choose where we want to sit on this ride of life. Some want to be in the front and feel the thrill others want the smooth ride in the middle and others want the thrill but from a safer location of the bummpy back.

 

I think she wants the thrills of life but wants to do them from the safety of the back...what she isn't counting on is all the bumps the back can throw at you.

 

Be her friend the best you know how and let her go do her soul searching. Hopefully you'll be there when she is done.

[Vivid_29]

Awwww man, that sux, but I do think that there is something going on. In most cases, a woman doesn't just throw away a 5 year relationship, just to experience life on her own. A women wanting to find herself and experience life on her own, usually means, 'hey, i met this new guy and if it doesn't work out, i can always come back to you'. Remember -- a woman/man won't step off a rock, without having his/her foot planted firmly on the next. This is why she still wants you around.

 

My ex tried that same bulls**t with me. She wanted to go out and find herself and asked that I wait for her. F**k that s**t!!! I am too good a man for all of that and know that I can rack in the women, far better than her!!! And here I am, six months later, with a woman that I adore, dearly!

 

Stay in contact with her, but keep it at a bare minimum to enable yourself to heal. Hold off on going to her house. Go out - meet new ladies, and have fun. Tag everything in sight, if it makes you feel better. Be good to yourself -- love yourself and enjoy life!!!

 

~Viv

[photoshop]

I appreciate all your comments from the bottm of my heart, Honestly.

 

 

But I'm the kind of guy that Believes in love. I am a romantic. I felt that I met this girl for a reason.

I found her when I wasn't even looking, got to know her and fell In love with her. I'm not planning

on playing the field now that I'm single or trying out other girls. (1) Because I'm not in that zone,

The girl I love is leaving me. (2) I'm not that kind of guy anyway. I know what's out there and I don't

need to play around or mess around with the ladies. I'll be content with my art and my music and i'll

just make new friends. If this is the way it's going to be, I've got to take some time to myself and

get over the sadness inside.

 

I want to be there for her, But I don't want to hang on to false hope or hang on to something that's not there.

I agree, this could possibly mean that she has met someone or has interests in others. She denies it,

But she may not want to hurt my feelings by admitting it. She feels bad enough hurting me by moving out.

The truth is, I want her to be free, because I want her to be happy and this is what she wants.

 

I mean I don't know, I suppose I could just become her good friend for life. I just don't want to end up like my father.

He never ever got over my mom when she left him 26 years ago. To this day, he loves her, But they are just good friends.

 

I don't know if i could handle being her friend and being in her life if she ever dated someone else.

[phantomblues]

I agree with you, I'm the same. I don't need to be with a girl, Just to be with a girl.

I just think you should really think to yourself: Do I really want to be with this girl again

someday?

If not, Pack up and move on, Skip the being friends thing. If I was friends with a girl

who had left me to find herself and she started hanging out with another guy, kissing another guy.

I'd be gone. I couldn't handle that either. so what's the point of hanging around in the first place?

Only to be hurt again?

[SoleMate]

Hey, photoshop, you're OK. I don't see any reason to assume that this is the end. Vivid takes an extreme position. I like your plan: live your life, keep busy with the things you care about. No need to chase other girls, but I wouldn't recommend permanently walling your heart off from them either.

 

I suppose I could just become her good friend for life. I just don't want to end up like my father.

He never ever got over my mom when she left him 26 years ago.

Please read "The Small House at Allington" by Anthony Trollope. And I am sure your faithful heart will get its reward one day, 'cause we women love that kinda sh*t (as Vivid would put it). Just don't make yourself into a martyr over this girl. Let her spread her wings, but don't be her yo-yo boy. And NEVER let her come crying to you about some mean boyfriend she has found, 'cause if you let her turn you into Dear Abby, then you'll know it's really over.

[Vivid_29]

Originally posted by photoshop

 

I found her when I wasn't even looking, got to know her and fell In love with her. I'm not planning on playing the field now that I'm single or trying out other girls. (1) that zone,

 

The girl I love is leaving me. (2) I'm not that kind of guy anyway. I know what's out there and I don't need to play around or mess around with the ladies.

 

You found her when you wasn't even looking and now she's made up her mind and leaving you, without you looking.

 

That's good that you don't need to mess around with the lovely ladies - More power to ya, but you do sound as if this is the only woman for your entire life. Please tell me that it isn't so!

 

~V

[Prettyangel]

I am sorry that you have to go through all this drama! Why are people just not plain HONEST with one another I never get!

 

I see it this way......drama...drama...drama! I need time to find myself=I want out! Period!

 

What you do is let her go in love! That means, no dinners at her house, no talking , no CONTACT! Tell her you love her but she mader her choice!

 

You move on. You be happy and live your life as God wants you to live your life, HAPPY!

 

Go out and date, see what else is out there. Take care of you! Nevermind her and what she needs. You have needs to.

 

If I am with someone and I love him and everything is great, I DO NOT NEED SPACE! That would be your red flag!

 

I do give her that much, she is telling you what she needs and it is clear you not part of that, not the way it should be.

 

If you chase her, she will be gone forever. If you give her what she wants without resenments or blame, you have a chance to get her back! She will come back all on her own if she sincerely loves you.

 

The biggest mistake people make is to run after someone. That is plain disrespecting yourself and the other person.

[bicylejunk]

I would think that, if he tells her he loves her and is there for her and treats her like

a princess till she moves out, then after she moves out, He refrains from seeing her

so much, won't that make her miss him even more?

 

I mean say he just helps her out, helps her move, comforts and supports her

and tells her he loves her and then let's her move out and then when she comes

calling for dinners, hang-outs He just makes himself really busy.

 

Either way, she's miss him, feel like she lost out and want to come back to him OR

She'll move on and He'll move on with their lives.

 

But don't you think she'll end up wanting to come back, if he does that??

[photoshop]

i suppose i could do that, i just know that if i'm her friend and she ends up growing and changing and starts dating someone else,

i can't be her friend, It would just kill me too much to have to see her with another guy, when she's the one that did the leaving.

Then again, maybe i was never her perfect guy.

[bicylejunk]

I'm just saying, Let's say she's moving out In a week: Spend all the time you can with her, Make her laugh,

Give her a flower, Rub her feet, Give her a back massage, Make her dinner, just show her how fun you are

and how much you care about her and then, once she's completely out, Immerse yourself in hobbies, work,

career, outting with friends and just make yourself totally busy and into a bunch of things, then when she comes

calling asking you to come to dinner at her house or wants to know if you want to go see a movie with her,

Just say youre busy...But be nice about it. Tell her your sorry you can't make it, but you would have loved to.

Then when she calls again, do the same, Point is, hopefully you really will be busy, and you wont just be

playing a game with her. Meanwhile, she'll end up missing you, realize your getting on with your life and

you will be curing yourself of sadness and healing yourself by doing other things. But why not just

enjoy her for one last week til she leaves. Who knows, Maybe she'll miss you enough to come back?

 

Or am I off My Rocker???

[Prettyangel]

No one is perfect. It is ok not to be perfect and not expected of you.

Take care of yourself now, because no matter what she is going to do, she is alreading doing it by moving out and needing her space.

 

The best and only thing to do is truly take care of you. Leran to let go and let God or whatever your HP is and if you donot have one it is time to get one!

[photoshop]

it's just hard, making her dinner, Rubbing her feet, massages, those are all loving things I always do for her...

Why do them, if she's trying to leave, I don't want to mess with her head.

[phantomblues]

Too much heartache involved for you I think, Just cut all ties and let her be free so you can heal.