kylo76 Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Hi everyone, I'm new to the site but I'm looking for some opinions. I have been living with my girlfriend for four years now. She has two kids from her previous marriage that do alternating weeks with us and their Dad. About a week ago my girlfriend and her daughter went out of town to visit a friend of hers. My GF and her friend went out to see a band and she ended up meeting some guy. I noticed that she became friends with him on Facebook I asked her about him and she said he was just some guy she met with a bunch of other people. I thought nothing of it, but later on that day her daughter was using her laptop and asked me who this guy was, she had opened some messages that he had sent my GF. They basically talked about how much they loved meeting each other and that they should run off and get married. THey went on to flirt and talk about how if situations were different...... I confronted my girlfriend (I didn't tell her that I had read the messages) and asked how she would feel if I went out of town and met some girl. She removed him and swore up and down to me that "they didn't even talk on the computer" lied right to my face. She sent him one last email that said that "she removed him because she wanted to be understanding to my feelings and that she would feel the same way if roles were reversed." She then went on to say that "this was not good by... it was just until later... and that they would be together trust her... lol.." I am not a jealous person by any means. I am very open minded and I don't care if my girlfriend hangs out with other guys or anything like that. I'm just wondering if I should just let this go or confront her about her lying. I love her very much and I understand that sometimes there will be temptation... any suggestions would be much appreciated. I should also add that a few weeks ago she broke into my email account to snoop (as girls do) and read some emails to an ex girlfriend (nothing serious just a hi how are you) and a female friend of mine. She was not happy about them so I removed them and haven't spoken to them since.
Hazyhead Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 I think trust is an issue here. It is, in my opinion, not 'the norm' for people to snoop on their partners without reason, and the only reason I can see here is jealousy. Do you guys go to counseling? Maybe you'd be able to work on some of those issues there on why you feel the need to check on each other so much. For what it's worth, email relationships can be very emotionally tying. It's a relationship that is built on communication, but of a censored nature, allowing those in contact to be perceived as they wish to be. If she's lying to cover it up it could suggest that she has something to hide and if you confront her in a gentle sense (explaining to her your true feelings) it might open up some honest communication between the two of you. On the other hand, if jealousy rules this relationship, if might just be nothing. I used to have a very jealous partner, whom would accuse me constantly of checking out other guys (wouldn't mind, but he used to pick some awful ones!), spending unnecessary time with them, and even completely fabricating what I might have been up to. I was painfully faithful to him, to the point where I wouldn't even talk to other guys and would keep my gaze down in public so that he couldn't accuse me. But, if I had happened to be in contact with a guy and he questioned me about it, due to my age/immaturity at the time, I would lie because I felt it was easier to deal with. This could also be what your girlfriend is doing. I think counseling and honest, understanding communication, could make the world of difference for the two of you. Good luck.
Hazyhead Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 (as girls do) By the way, not the case. It's not a gender matter.
cooldudeinberlin Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 you know the odd little attractions and curiosities are just healthy, normal and human... but the lying... that hurts. Painful. lying to save your feelings? lying to cover up? lying to keep from getting into a major argument (because she might think it will go that way)? Lying to mask the fact that she is being hypocritical about her snooping a few weeks back... and I guess that is your reasoning... when she snooped, she opened the door on this... Freud says there are no accidents... on some level, there is a reason for things to happen (regardless of good or bad)... perhaps she was careless about this Email or message and wanted to be caught to have a reason not to contact this guy further... it may all well be an intense flirt and fantasy... but those can start to interfere with real life... start making people think differently... etc. etc. etc. the lying is worst part of it... even if you are as cool as you say you are and not over bearing, controlling or jealous... there is really no reason to hide more from you by lying... if there is nothing to hide, there is nothing to lie about. Life is too short dude... confront her... because this will always be in the back of your mind and its not something you want to bring up later when you are both angry about something else.... deal with it now so you dont have to be haunted by it.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Hi Kylo. Clearly there's some red flags all over in your case. However, It's difficult to form an objective opinion with asking a few questions. 1. Why did your GF's M end? Did she cheat on her H? Were you the AP, or did you guys get together while the D was pending? 2. Is it your intent to marry her? (I'm curious cause you've lived together for 4 years and are comfortable w/ her hanging out with other men, so long as it's platonic. Can you shed some light on the above - the answers will help more accurate advise come your way. Thanks.
Author kylo76 Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 Hi Kylo. Clearly there's some red flags all over in your case. However, It's difficult to form an objective opinion with asking a few questions. 1. Why did your GF's M end? Did she cheat on her H? Were you the AP, or did you guys get together while the D was pending? 2. Is it your intent to marry her? (I'm curious cause you've lived together for 4 years and are comfortable w/ her hanging out with other men, so long as it's platonic. Can you shed some light on the above - the answers will help more accurate advise come your way. Thanks. thanks 1. They just weren't into each other any more and had drifted apart. I had nothing to do with it at all. Her ex and I get along real well too. 2. That was my plan I have just been waiting to get my career on track. thanks cheers
Owl Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 I agree completely with jthorne's observation...that last comment was NOT appropriate for someone who's in a committed relationship...she's clearly leaving the door open for this to continue. Clearly the OP "snooped" because he felt something was wrong...and look at what he found. The beginning of an EA already ongoing. Even his GF admitted that she'd be hurt/upset if the situation were reversed...and then turned around and set the stage for this to continue later. He had reason to snoop, and found what he'd feared to find...he did nothing wrong by doing so. I've never been in a long term live in bf/gf relationship like this, so my advice is based off my biased viewpoint...you're not married, nor are you financially responsible to your GF. This is a HUGE red flag that she's willing to cheat on you, and that she's lying to your face about it. I'd tell her the truth...you've seen her emails, you know her lies...and it's time to end your relationship with her given how she'd lied and set the stage for this to continue. And move on. Sorry...I know this is harsh...but just my thoughts on the subject.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 JT and Owl are right, in my opinion, when they say she has demonstrated her willingness to cheat in the future. She left the door more than open in that email... She didn't say "if" she basically said "when". RED FLAG! I found it interesting that (at least "playfully") marraige was brought up in their emails - we should run off together, etc. Perhaps 4 years and no ring has her engineering her exit, where the trigger is another man's bed to land and live in. Despite my hunch, what is a FACT is that you've come across some hard hitting evidence that minimally says she's willing to cheat, if the circumstances are right. Will you heed that warning, or will you marry her anyway?? Because know this - she'll likely say yes if you propose; and rest assured the SAME liklihood of an A is still there. You've got a decision to make, friend. Believe me, you don't want to marry a woman with this type of deep seated tendency - when sh*t get tough, it WILL manifest. Let's assume I'm wrong about the tendency showing itself later in the form of an A. What's your argument for taking that type of risk unecessarily?
lostsunsets Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Owl is right. Lying to your face, leaving the door open, she needs a shock to the conscience. What I would do is tell her that maybe she needs time to think about your relationship (real calm) and that maybe you should look at finding different places to live. Most likely like all cake eaters, she will say NO. Then you will have her attention. She doesn't respect you. If she did she wouldn't lie and leave the door open to cheating. Tell her that she is getting reality and fantasy jumbled up. You definitely do not want to marry this girl. Not if she doesn't have the vision to see a future with you, free of other men.
seibert253 Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 If you plan on staying with her, you deserve honesty in your relationship. Can you say you have that right now? My answer is no. Unless you take care of this right now, you will not have it in the future. Everyone else is right on the money. Her last contact with him is leaving the door open. Besides, she says nothing of what she was involved with was wrong. IMO right now she feels justified. Trust me, she figures she "got away" with this one, and you'll be travelling down this road again my friend. You need to call her out on this. Me; I'd print out every email, confront her and give her the opportunity to be truthful, then when she lies, pull them out and start reading them to her. This is what I did, funny how they can go from lies to the truth when the evidence is right before them. Don't settle for less, you deserve better.
whichwayisup Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Be blunt with her. Tell her that if she continues to contact this guy and secretly make plans for the 'future' someday that it's immediately over between you two. Don't let her turn it around on you - Just be upfront about how you feel about her behaviour, the lying and let her know that you won't put up with it, that if she wants him, she's free to go now - And not to come back, ever. DO what Siebert has said and talk to her, make it CLEAR what you will and won't put up with.
FryFish Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Jokes about marriage and hints about ending up together...? I would confidently bet that she banged this guy when they met.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 I confronted my girlfriend (I didn't tell her that I had read the messages) and asked how she would feel if I went out of town and met some girl. She removed him and swore up and down to me that "they didn't even talk on the computer" lied right to my face. She sent him one last email that said that "she removed him because she wanted to be understanding to my feelings and that she would feel the same way if roles were reversed." She then went on to say that "this was not good by... it was just until later... and that they would be together trust her... lol.." this is a slam dunk as far as I'm concerned.....kick her out, or move out yourself. If you have kids with her, save yourself NOW. I am not a jealous person by any means. I am very open minded and I don't care if my girlfriend hangs out with other guys or anything like that. well you SHOULD care that THIS girlfriend hangs out with other guys, because she has proven she can't keep it platonic and on a purely friendship level. I'm just wondering if I should just let this go sure....let it go........if you want her being pleasured by this guy sometime in the near future. or confront her about her lying. I vote option 2. confront her not only about lying, but then telling the guy that it isn't goodbye and that she told him they would be together. THEN move out. I love her very much and I understand that sometimes there will be temptation there is temptation where someone can resist it easily...then there is temptation where one gives in. Your gf gave in. And sorry, her going off to party with a friend, see a band, drink...whatever....she knew what she was doing. She knows when the cat is away the mice will play. Out of sight, out of mind, and with you not there, she felt free to get attention from another guy. I should also add that a few weeks ago she broke into my email account to snoop (as girls do) and read some emails to an ex girlfriend (nothing serious just a hi how are you) and a female friend of mine. She was not happy about them so I removed them and haven't spoken to them since. and just why are you talking to an ex-girlfriend? Exes are exes for a reason.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 this is a slam dunk as far as I'm concerned.....kick her out, or move out yourself. If you have kids with her, save yourself NOW. well you SHOULD care that THIS girlfriend hangs out with other guys, because she has proven she can't keep it platonic and on a purely friendship level. sure....let it go........if you want her being pleasured by this guy sometime in the near future. I vote option 2. confront her not only about lying, but then telling the guy that it isn't goodbye and that she told him they would be together. THEN move out. there is temptation where someone can resist it easily...then there is temptation where one gives in. Your gf gave in. And sorry, her going off to party with a friend, see a band, drink...whatever....she knew what she was doing. She knows when the cat is away the mice will play. Out of sight, out of mind, and with you not there, she felt free to get attention from another guy. and just why are you talking to an ex-girlfriend? Exes are exes for a reason. Wow, Dexter... Right on! Kylo, I hope you heard this loud n clear buddy. This is a voice of reason. Heed these words, as tough as they probably are to hear, Dex is correct.
lolapalooza Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 You said she found some emails to your ex. Could she be doing this out of revenge? Maybe she thinks you're not being faithful, so she's not going to either?
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 What is this Tit for Tat??? WTF, you should just dump her! for one she had an emotional affair on you behind your back and could have went physical. And you now seriously trust this woman??? Give me a break! What has she done to earn back your trust? Nothing right, figures.
Author kylo76 Posted April 10, 2010 Author Posted April 10, 2010 Wow... first of all I would like to sincerely thank everyone who replied. It was apparent that every response was geared at being helpful to my situation. I confronted her and she finally confessed. She swore that nothing every really happened and she was just curious but I left anyway. She called and called and finally I told her we could meet for coffee and discuss things. I told her I didn't think I could trust her and wanted to move on. She still keeps calling me but so far I'm sticking to my guns. Thanks for the advice and help!!
lkjh Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Good for you. She went out of town and met some guy, flirted with him and then pretty much told him that they "would be together". If she is fishing around then she is marriage material.
on1wheel Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 Bravo Kylo. I do not believe her story that nothing really happened my friend. She slept with him!!! No woman would say (to paraphrase) "not goodbye...we'll be together...we should run off together" etc etc. She has made a connection, been intimate & has him as either your replacement or a back-up; either way ur gone so stay gone. I have found that almost all women are afraid to be alone; that it terrifies them. "Women are like monkeys...never let go of one vine til' they have a firm grip on another". If you don't believe me, then ask women you know that have left a BF or H if they already had a replacement in the wings. BTW, women who were cheated on don't count, as they left for the right reason. Don't ever get back together with this woman. I believe she is a cheater; probably always was. Find someone better...shouldn't be hard. Good luck.
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