Author Gunny376 Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 I should explain my twelve year sabbatical from being in a relationship. I was married for twelve years and shacked up with another one for six and half. Eighteen and a half years and what did I get out of it? Sex? What did I have to show for it? Not a whole lot of nothing. Fortunately I was able to catch a leased corporate apartment that Lockheed-Martin was letting go. Had everything I needed, towels, pots, pans, plates, living room suit, dining room suit, etc. The apartment got sold out to someone else, and they told me they were getting out of that business, and that I could have everything in the apartment. The TV, the tv stand, freaking radio alarm clock, the beach towels, the kitchen towels. But I got to thinking about it and thought, "Damn here I've wasted the best years of my youth, spent hundreds of thousands of dollars over eighteen and half years and all I got out of it was sex. (And with the X-wife even that wasn't that good! The last time she and I had sex, I told her ~ "That was great! I especially liked the part where you actually moved!" I got to looking around, and I'm just sorry but to get with me you're going to have to have something going for you besides a rusted out 74 Ford Maverick, a car load of kids, drawer full of bills, and a job working at the third shift at the local convenience store for minimum wage less than forty hours a week, living in a 20 year old rental single wide. I'm not saying you've got to have even a college degree let alone a PhD, (BTW? The divorce rate for women with advanced degrees? Is the same as it is for women who drop out of high school. Reason? Lack of intellectual compatibility.) Which is a big part of your problem trippi1432. And mine as well. There's a geographical variable to the equation. People who are well read, educated, (both formally and informally), who actually own and use a library card, actually go to book stores are few and far between in most rural areas. LOL! I think that were I on the market? The best place for me to pick up women would be the local library? I've been there more than once and have gotten more than a glaceing look from women there? Its was almost like "WOW! A grown man pursing the library? I own and read a lot a books ~ and know I'm not a bookworm ~ I consider myself a true scholar in the sense that I pursue knowledge to the sake of knowledge. I'm also not the dullard to watch most television. Somewhere down the line I got to worrying? About my wife, my children, my career in the Marines, my Marines, retiring from the Marines, making my twenty, Panama, Gernada, Beirut, the First Gulf War ~ continued on with getting out of the Corps? Back out here in civilian la~la land. Trying to find a decent job! Vets don't count! Don't hire vets! Vets are screwed up! And I've been told that ~ I was told by a HS friend the first time I'd seen him in twenty years after getting out of the Corps. "Your not the same guy I once knew! Your not the same guy that I knew back in HS! And he was right! I was Bruce Springsteen "Born In The USA!" I was mad, angry, pissed off ~ hating life and everyone in it! I didn't expect anyone to owe many anything, nor that I deserved anything special. But asking for a decent paying job paying barely above minimum wage too much to ask? Guy at work asked me if I knew how to break down and clean an M-16? Well yea, along with thirty and fifty cal, a Barrette 9 mm, a Colt .45. M-14. a Mk-19 All of this to say trippi1432. Its time to catch the bus to Mexico. Its times to quit worrying about the past ~ the should of done, the could of done, the would of done! Its time to quit worrying about the wrong choices you made (and we all make them ~ so quit beating yourself up over them!) Its time to quit worrying about the present! What is? Is, and all you can do about it is the best you can today! And that's all you can do is to do and give your best that you can do today! And its time to quit worrying about the future. What will be? Will be and there's not one damn thing you can do about it! There's one thing and only one damn thing you can do each and everyday ~ and that's be the best YOU that you can be that very day! The rest? Let it ride and let it slide. Because it doesn't mean one damn thing! The best is all you can ever do ~ expect of yourself. Your best of yesterday may not even come close to your best of today. But you know what? At that particular point in time? It was the best you had to give and you gave it all you had to give! You like I need to cut yourself some slack and quit being so hard on yourself. Quit worrying about what was! Quit worrying about what might have been! Quit worrying about what could of been! Quit worrying about the past, the present, and the future. Quit worrying about what you could or should have done! Quit worrying about if you did or gave your best ~ you did ~ you gave all you had at the time! You gave 110%+ Had you the knowledge and experience you have now? You could have and would have given even more! In parting and in closing? I just want to say that Marines don't go and see physiatrist and psychologist ~ we just don't and we don't do antidepressants and anxiety drugs. Well this one did ~ more or less forced to do so by my boss. If your coming back from Iraq or Afghanistan? Either through the active duty military or the VA. Drowing yourself in alcohol isn't the answer. Nor drugs. Any Vets out there that can and want to can PM anytime! Gunny376
Author Gunny376 Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 Gunny - I'm truly, deeply glad you're getting some progress and some relief. I'll be honest, though - I'm pretty worried about mixing the alcohol in with the rest of it all - does it seem like it kinda throws everything into a spin when that happens? I know it's not just as easy as saying "don't do it", and maybe my perceptions are off, but it just seems like the alcohol is a destabilizing factor, right in this wonderful time when you're finding some peace and stability through the rest of your efforts. I would just hate to see you sliding backwards, when you're doing so well taking steps forwards. Respectfully - Thanks for your concern. I actually on two different drugs. Antidepressants and Anxiety medication, The Anxiety medication is reducing my dependency on alcohol ~ not over night mind you ~ I've had some set backs, but I would say I'm down to a good 80 to 90% dependence less than I was. It takes a couple of weeks for the meds to kick in. My boss and co-workers are a lot happier with me, my work performance, attitude has improved 100% ~ I use to be confrontational as Hell! Just the least little thing would set me off. My pyschologist wanted to send me off to re-hab and I just told him I couldn't lose the work time. I've had sleepless nights, night sweats, chills, nausea, and other problems from the withdrawal and meds. If it takes it? I'll go to my MD and have him give me perscription for ______________ (Can't remember the name of it ~ but once taken if you even take a drink it will make you puke your guts up) Thinks for your concern! I'm going to beat this! And thanks for your support!
Trimmer Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Man, it takes a lot of strength just to get to the point where you say: I know I need to make some changes, and I'm going to do what it takes. I really admire that, and I absolutely support you. I want to see this positive spiral keep going. A little bit at a time, day by day. Try not to backslide, but cut yourself a little slack if you do, and hit it again tomorrow. I'm going to print out your previous post to trippi ("..be the best YOU that you can be that very day...") and put it on my bathroom mirror.
Author Gunny376 Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 For me? I've been living in the past! I couldn't fit into the the present and future? I had to make myself determined to not worry about the past, the present, nor the future. I had to bury the past and just let it go ~ just let it go. Fact of the matter is I married too young, I didn't have enough relationship experienced, and by the time I got back from "over there" I was just plain to F****d up to even be in a relationship with anybody Back in the day? Marines didn't talk to psych' about anything! They would testify against you about you anything you said or did in a court martial. You accidentally killed a civilian kid? You were looking at 20 to 40 in Leavenworth. Could have been a mistake, a grid coordinate off the map ~ it was your @zz! Your doing twenty years up in Kansas. You said ten when you should have said twenty. Think I talking trash? The wanted to court martial three Navy Seals for gut punching a terrorist that killed and hung three Americans off an Iraq bridge? So yea I'm seeing a psychologist and I'm on AD and anxiety drugs ~ and I'm doing better than I've been in twenty years. I'm sleeping better, sleeping deeper, and longer. I'm no longer pissed off at the world no no longer everyone in it! I'm letting go of the past, accepting the presence, and looking forward toward the future.
trippi1432 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 (edited) "Which is a big part of your problem trippi1432. And mine as well. There's a geographical variable to the equation. People who are well read, educated, (both formally and informally), who actually own and use a library card, actually go to book stores are few and far between in most rural areas." I don't think it's as much picking up guys as it is picking out the wrong ones (yes, even at the bookstore, you need to see what is in my local bookstore...lol). I've come to the conclusion that if there is a guy out there interested in me, he's either broke, broken or needs a mommy. At their best, relationships last 3 months tops, after that, not much to go on. According to my therapist, I don't need a man in my life to complicate it anymore than it already is. I have to find my own balance - men just complicate that. All of this to say trippi1432. Its time to catch the bus to Mexico. Its times to quit worrying about the past ~ the should of done, the could of done, the would of done! Its time to quit worrying about the wrong choices you made (and we all make them ~ so quit beating yourself up over them!) Its time to quit worrying about the present! What is? Is, and all you can do about it is the best you can today! And that's all you can do is to do and give your best that you can do today! And its time to quit worrying about the future. What will be? Will be and there's not one damn thing you can do about it! There's one thing and only one damn thing you can do each and everyday ~ and that's be the best YOU that you can be that very day! The rest? Let it ride and let it slide. Because it doesn't mean one damn thing! The best is all you can ever do ~ expect of yourself. Your best of yesterday may not even come close to your best of today. But you know what? At that particular point in time? It was the best you had to give and you gave it all you had to give! You like I need to cut yourself some slack and quit being so hard on yourself. Quit worrying about what was! Quit worrying about what might have been! Quit worrying about what could of been! Quit worrying about the past, the present, and the future. Quit worrying about what you could or should have done! Quit worrying about if you did or gave your best ~ you did ~ you gave all you had at the time! You gave 110%+ Had you the knowledge and experience you have now? You could have and would have given even more! In parting and in closing? I just want to say that Marines don't go and see physiatrist and psychologist ~ we just don't and we don't do antidepressants and anxiety drugs. Well this one did ~ more or less forced to do so by my boss. If your coming back from Iraq or Afghanistan? Either through the active duty military or the VA. Drowing yourself in alcohol isn't the answer. Nor drugs. Any Vets out there that can and want to can PM anytime! Gunny376 I know what you are saying Gunny, and as to the marriages, they don't really mean a hill of beans to me anymore when it comes to the past. Yes, I did some things wrong....had I known about this illness, I probably could have done some things differently...there is a lot to be said about educating yourself to bring peace to your life. I can't do anything to change any of that, even any recent events, but now that I know more...I can work on how to relate and understand myself now. I only worry about the past now, because I understand my part in it, but it's not something that I can do anything about. I didn't know at the time, now I do....now I can become more aware of what I do...the thing is, I don't care to try a relationship again - detachment is much easier to deal with when they've had enough and leave (and they do because bipolar is not something that many people care to learn about). So, for me....what I need to learn is to detach the heart from the sex part.....if the heart stays out of it...I don't become an idiot...lol. Guess I need to "man-up"....LOL!! At any rate, relationships with men are the not the importance in my life anymore. It's the relationship with myself, my kids and my job. It really doesn't leave that much room for anything else anyways. I know that trying to do your best is often not interpreted as your best by the measurement of someone else...so why bother and be run in the ground for it. Honesty is best, if someone wants to be a part of my life...take a number and get in line. I've made enough concessions and compromises...never again. See - even today's horoscope agrees with me: Friday, May 21st, 2010 -- An old emotional wound can begin to heal once you see your past from a different point of view. You may have an "aha" experience today as a sudden realization allows you to let go of a self-imposed limitation. Be ready to move forward once you acknowledge that your previous perspective might have been holding you back in ways you couldn't imagine. Edited May 21, 2010 by trippi1432 Additional information
sumdude Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I'm letting go of the past, accepting the presence, and looking forward toward the future. Posted this for someone else but it totally applies for you too Gunny or anyone for that matter. You can't live life hoping for a better past. Try to drive down the highway looking in the rear view mirror and see what happens. Nothing you do, think or say will change the past. A big realization that will help move forward. A big part of is forgiveness. Especially for yourself.... “Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past” http://tobeme.wordpress.com/2010/04/...r-better-past/
trippi1432 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted this for someone else but it totally applies for you too Gunny or anyone for that matter. You can't live life hoping for a better past. Try to drive down the highway looking in the rear view mirror and see what happens. Nothing you do, think or say will change the past. A big realization that will help move forward. A big part of is forgiveness. Especially for yourself.... “Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past” http://tobeme.wordpress.com/2010/04/...r-better-past/ Good Post SumDude - this was a topic today about how to live in the present, let the past be the past and let the future just happen. I'm horrible for this, trying to do better myself...just hate to repeat the same mistakes...somewhere they call that insanity...lol. Doing the same thing but expecting different results. Eventually, the point of the rear view mirror is that those things get smaller as you drive down the highway of life. Forgiveness for yourself is huge as well, another topic for our group today. What you didn't know in the past, you can't go back and fix, you can only move forward and forgive yourself (or in my case, learn more about yourself). I told my STBXH a few months ago when he stated that he knew he overstepped the boundaries of our marriage that he needed to forgive himself, I have been working on forgiving myself for the the things I did wrong as well. That, in itself, is freedom. I know that I will never be perfect because I am human, I will make mistakes....but I don't have to repeat them. If I am, then I am the one with the problem and that is what I should be working on. Gunny, you did what you knew you had to, did what you needed to. There is a guy in my group that reminds me of you so much. Same issues, and he is learning...his mind expanding to understand the difference between where he was and where he is now. The sad part, I look at all these people in my group....some separated but working on their marriages, most with loved ones just trying to understand....that's the part that feels lonely. Make sure you keep your friends and family rallied around you if you can or if you don't have someone in your life. That's important.
trippi1432 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Man, it takes a lot of strength just to get to the point where you say: I know I need to make some changes, and I'm going to do what it takes. I really admire that, and I absolutely support you. I want to see this positive spiral keep going. A little bit at a time, day by day. Try not to backslide, but cut yourself a little slack if you do, and hit it again tomorrow. I'm going to print out your previous post to trippi ("..be the best YOU that you can be that very day...") and put it on my bathroom mirror. Good one Trimmer...yes, I actually write them in lipstick on my mirror....another one I like is "Fake it til you Make it"....one a friend of mine uses for work. Affirmations make all the difference in the world....yes, still working on finding the right stencils for my affirmation wall...damn semi-gloss paint...grr.
trippi1432 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 For me? I've been living in the past! I couldn't fit into the the present and future? I had to make myself determined to not worry about the past, the present, nor the future. I had to bury the past and just let it go ~ just let it go. YES!! Fact of the matter is I married too young, I didn't have enough relationship experienced, and by the time I got back from "over there" I was just plain to F****d up to even be in a relationship with anybody - So what? We all do crazy things....lots of people marry before they are mature enough to change their own diapers...but everyone was doing it because of the war.....had nothing to do with you being f'd up...it was a normal part of life at that era of time. Back in the day? Marines didn't talk to psych' about anything! They would testify against you about you anything you said or did in a court martial. You accidentally killed a civilian kid? You were looking at 20 to 40 in Leavenworth. Could have been a mistake, a grid coordinate off the map ~ it was your @zz! Your doing twenty years up in Kansas. You said ten when you should have said twenty. Think I talking trash? The wanted to court martial three Navy Seals for gut punching a terrorist that killed and hung three Americans off an Iraq bridge? So yea I'm seeing a psychologist and I'm on AD and anxiety drugs ~ and I'm doing better than I've been in twenty years. I'm sleeping better, sleeping deeper, and longer. I'm no longer pissed off at the world no no longer everyone in it! Good for you!! You deserve to be good to yourself, for being there for everyone else in it. I'm letting go of the past, accepting the presence, and looking forward toward the future. Hugs Gunny!! For you.....:bunny::bunny:
Author Gunny376 Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 (edited) As I'm coming out of this fog? Getting back to "normal" (Whatever the Hell that is) I'm less stressed, less anxious, less on the edge. I'm all about living the less complex and less stressful life ~ living the simple life. A roof over my head, a crock pot full of Brunswick stew, a good cup of coffee in the morning, and finding a good woman. I'm through with worrying about the past ~ I did all I could do and knew how to do! I gave 110% + I've put the dead to their rest! I'm concentrating on not worrying about the past, the present, nor the future! What was? Was! What is? Is! And what will be? Will be! Looking back on my past? I honestly gave the best I had to give at the time. Knowing now what I know now? I could have given more had I had then what I had now! Know now! But I was young, igorant, in-experienced and just plain stupid! Edited May 22, 2010 by Gunny376
Author Gunny376 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 Posted this for someone else but it totally applies for you too Gunny or anyone for that matter. You can't live life hoping for a better past. Try to drive down the highway looking in the rear view mirror and see what happens. Nothing you do, think or say will change the past. A big realization that will help move forward. A big part of is forgiveness. Especially for yourself.... “Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past” http://tobeme.wordpress.com/2010/04/...r-better-past/ Thanks Bro!
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