melissa123 Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 I need some advice Ive met a guy!!! Finally after almost a year I have come across a decent guy I really like. Ive only met him twice and we were set up by a mutal friend. This mutal friend said he was keen on me but shy and didn't know how to act or weither or not to kiss me etc. Anyway my big issue is that I can't seem to find the ground between coming on to strong and acting like I dont care. I have before come on way to strong and scared guys away. However with this guy, I like him so much that im so painfully shy around him. Im terrified of coming on to strong so I haven't made any moves or anything. Half my friends are telling me to play it cool and wait for him to contact me or i'll look desperate, the other half tell me im never gunna get anywhere if I dont go after him and ask him if he wants to catch up etc. Im actually really torn on how to act and apart from this mutal friend saying he was keen im not so sure myself, so don't want to look like a fool. On the other hand I dont want to let an amazing guy get away by both of us being shy. Im so torn on what to do. Im a total amature in the dating world as you can see so it would be awesome if you could give me some advice!! Thanks so much
cooldudeinberlin Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 hmmmm... its always tough in the advent of a potential new relationship or even just a fling... game playing (which, let's face it, you woman are the masters) vs. being naturally yourself. a few tips... nothing expert, just my experience and opinion from a male's point of view: 1. Get yourself together... forget about him & your friends for the moment and everyone else... make sure you are good who you are, like yourself, know your self worth/value and enjoy being you for you. Only a deep connection can be made when two people are completely okay who they are on their own. If you are clear on this, then you can easily make choices out of WANT rather than NEED - need is desperation and reveals a deeper emotional unfulfillment like insecurity. 2. Dont announce it to the world that you think he's the Bee's Knees... get to know him a bit better... take it slow, relax.. you would be amazed how much time you really have. Find out who he really is. 3. Keep your eyes open... he's not your boyfriend yet... you are allowed to look at other potentials. 4. be patient... something all women of all ages should really learn!!!!! 5. Relax, take it slow... its not a race... in fact the getting to know you stages, wondering what the other is thinking, having that little nervousness of butterflies in your stomach is a lot of fun... its great... dont rob yourselves of this phase and hopping to the "I like you very much stages" too soon... enjoy the journey. 6. Flirt seductively... give a little, then pull back... the teasing/flirting roller coaster ride will make your intentions known... then again, most guys have completely no idea when a woman is interested/flirting... so you might have to help that along... 7. Ease up on the contacting... doesnt have to be everyday or even every second day and certainly not 3 or 4 times a day... three reasons: its very desperate and will make someone feel smotheredif you start out with such a record, there is no way it can keep going that way, so there will be a contrast when things settle off to a normal contact tempo... psychologically this change can be felt as "cooling off periord"absence absolutely makes the heart grow fonder8. Dont give up your hobbies, friends and life... make sure you are as involved as before... this keeps you busy, engaged and interesting 9. You already have enough information to know that he probably likes you and you to him as well... so relax and just enjoy
Author melissa123 Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 Hey cooldudeinberlin Thanks so much for your response! I agree with all your points but my only lingering thought is those who keep telling me to go after him otherwise i'll miss out. So far I have kept my distance apart from telling our mutal friend that I thought he was a really cool guy when he asked me what I thought of him. This will no doubt get back to him so he will know im interested atleast. Apart from that I have kept my distance completely From a males point of view do you think I should just wait and he will contact me if he is interested? Im just a little bit afraid about 'missing out' by sitting back and doing nothing. Do you have any thoughts on this? Thankyou
cooldudeinberlin Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 This is going to sound strange, but bear with me on the logical end of things.... how could one ever miss out on something that wasnt anything they really wanted to begin with? meaning... how do you know you would be missing out? if he doesnt contact you, its his loss... not yours... stop thinking this way - putting yourself in a position where you have no choice... trust me, you have just as much control as he does. I think you have to relax a bit... this isnt the last guy to ever come along and you may be building all this up into some fantasy which is very unhealthy as when reality hits, it will be disappointing.... just be calm and stop thinking desperation... trust me... there are perhaps a million more guys out there that are just as great if not better... that doesnt mean to say "the hell with this"... it just puts you at ease, it isnt the end of the world if it doesnt work out how you expect (key word expect... lose the expectations and just focus on the "now"... the "in the moment") Im sure he isnt THAT shy... he probably just needs a lot of reassurement that he wont get rejected... something he should really work on for himself... but that's another thread
Author melissa123 Posted April 10, 2010 Author Posted April 10, 2010 Thanks for your advice again cooldudeinberlin. Turns out you were right, I haven't heard from him since. I have had friends telling me all week that hes keen but shy and im soo sick of it. If he was keen and he knows that I am keen (which he does) shyness wouldnt be that much of an issue. We were supposed to met up tonight with a bunch of mates and I haven't heard a thing from anyone. I no I only met this guy twice and it seems absolutly insane that im this upset but there was something special about him and honestly I hadnt felt that way about someone in like a year. Rejection is horrible Thanks again for your help
Kamille Posted April 10, 2010 Posted April 10, 2010 This is going to sound strange, but bear with me on the logical end of things.... how could one ever miss out on something that wasnt anything they really wanted to begin with? meaning... how do you know you would be missing out? if he doesnt contact you, its his loss... not yours... stop thinking this way - putting yourself in a position where you have no choice... trust me, you have just as much control as he does. I think you have to relax a bit... this isnt the last guy to ever come along and you may be building all this up into some fantasy which is very unhealthy as when reality hits, it will be disappointing.... just be calm and stop thinking desperation... trust me... there are perhaps a million more guys out there that are just as great if not better... that doesnt mean to say "the hell with this"... it just puts you at ease, it isnt the end of the world if it doesnt work out how you expect (key word expect... lose the expectations and just focus on the "now"... the "in the moment") Brilliant advice! And Melissa, you haven't been rejected. You simply haven't been asked out on terms that made sense to you. Never waste time feeling rejected from a non ask out. Plus, you say yourself you struggle to find a balance between pursuing strongly and acting like you don't care. The in-between is simple: flirting! The easiest flirting trick? Touching him: on the arms, back or, if you feel daring, knee. In a public space, locking eyes and smiling. So, since you haven't exactly been rejected, here's the good news. He's still an option, a guy you think you might like who you can get to know. If you run into him again: flirt with him.
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