yah Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Hey guys, I would like to get some advice on my situation. My bf and I have been together for 6 months. Our relationship has always been very good; he tells me that I've made him more happy than anyone else and I know he never takes me for granted. Anyway, we started having problems a few weeks ago. Without going too much into it, because of the "issue" we had (regarding religion) it kind of forced him to look at things a bit more long-term, not just with me but with anybody, and to question whether or not he wants to be in a serious, marriage-track relationship. We're 24/25. I don't plan to get married anytime soon (maybe in 5yrs or so when I'm done with school and started my career?). My bf thinks that a "normal" relationship should have a timeline of a "few" years at which point a couple should be married. Any longer than that is unfair, he says. This has to do with his older bro who has been dating his gf for 8yrs (they're 36) and my bf doesn't want to end up like that. Truth is, they are not married b/c they have some conflicts they've yet to resolve. Bf says they are "stuck" in their relationship (can't move forward yet don't want to break up) and doesn't want us to be like them. Bf questions if he's ready to be in a "deep" (his word) committed relationship. He wants a 2 month (at most, he says) break of no contact to clear his head and think without emotions. I don't think this is an excuse for wanting to cheat or anything. I honestly believe him. I'm his first serious relationship. He wants to know if he'd rather be with 1 person or be single for a bit longer and not keep someone (me) waiting. He wants no/very limited contact b/c he feels that seeing me resets everything; I make him weak emotionally. He said that, if during this break he decides he's truly ready, then he will come back and never question his decision again. Which is true for his personality- if he decides he likes something, he keeps it forever and treasures it and is very loyal to it. I said 2 months is a bit long for me. So we compromised on 'toning it down' by seeing each other only 1x/wk (usually 2-3days/wk), only in public (we stayed over each other's frequently), no chatting online (we used to chat at work all the time), keeping topics light, etc. Was compromising a bad idea? Should I just give him the 2 months he asked for? Is it any different for a guy? Would our compromise actually hinder his ability to come to a conclusion? Which is better (taking a 2mo break or slowing things down for 2mo) in the long run?
ADF Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 There are no such things as "breaks" in relationships. A break is just the first step in an eventual break up. From you've said, I suspect your BF just doesn't think you and he are on the same page, and will ultimately want to end it. I don't know,though. Your situation is quite unusual. Usually men are the ones who reject timelines, who would be prefectly happy just drifting along forever without making firm commitments of any kind. Maybe he'll surprise you.
Author yah Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 I agree that we're not on the same page, which was why I suggested we tone things down a bit. I'm thinking now that I should just give him everything he asked for - 2 months of no/limited contact. Let him clear his head and all before he decides if he's ready to be in a long-term relationship. I would want for us to at least email each other 1x/wk to kind of k.i.t. (it'll just be like, "hey, a funny thing happened today..." or something light and short like that. just mainly want to hear from him). No seeing each other for 2 months. Is this a good idea? 2 months is so long to wait. It would either a) make him long for the things he's missing out on in the relationship we had, or b) slowly forget the reasons he enjoyed being with me. I'd really like to get a guy's perspective on this.
Chochobong Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Give him the 2 months NC he asked for. Focus on you and prepare yourself for the worst (e.g. he doesn't want to be with you). Shrink your hope to the very minimum that this relationship will work. Fortify yourself enough so that if he does dump you for good, you can move on with ease. If he does want a second chance, make sure his actions are speaking louder than his words.
Chochobong Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Is this a good idea? 2 months is so long to wait. It would either a) make him long for the things he's missing out on in the relationship we had, or b) slowly forget the reasons he enjoyed being with me. I'd really like to get a guy's perspective on this. It could go either way. He may miss you or he may not. You won't know for sure until you give him the proper time he asks for. He may even contact you before two months is up. Let him come to you. Learn to be objective and not emotional, and react accordingly. Withdraw from him. 2 months is a long time wait for someone with NC. But don't negotiate the NC or force any issues right now. Follow my above post if you still want to give him a shot. You can let your emotions flow and defenses down once he genuinely proves he wants to be with you.
Author yah Posted April 11, 2010 Author Posted April 11, 2010 We are back together again. We met this weekend for the first time in a week. At the end of our date he told me he's made his decision, that he knows he wants to be with me, and apologized for all the pain he put me through.
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