tiffyb Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 i am a 40 yr old mom of 2, married 11 years to a wonderful man. we began drifting apart last summer and by aug 22, 2009, he left me. he had been gone 3 weeks and i finally checked his cell bill. i discovered he had been txting/talking to a 32 yr old single mom since may 09. by the time i discovered their relationship it was too late..meaning they had already had sex together (he admitted to having sex with her 5 times total). i saw them out together 1 night... i asked her in front of him about the affair & she admitted it while he denied it. after another week or so he agreed to go to counseling with me and it worked miracles! he came home oct 10,09. he proves his love for me everyday, takes me places he goes, doesnt hide his fone anymore, got rid of all the guys..all for me & our marriage. its like a new guy. my problem is..when does the pain go away? when does the hurt stop? when does the cryin & detailed thoughts of them in bed together end? its been 6 months. our marriage is awesome, but i am still so devastated. i just want to move on with our future but sometimes i think its best if hes not in it. we love each other but im so torn between what to do and what not to do. what would YOU do?
Tommy's Girl Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 My mom and dad separated after 30 years of marriage because my dad had an affair. My mom was devastated and cried a lot and had many, many sleepless nights and nightmares like you described. All I can say is it took time to start enjoying life again and not cry so much. I think it's different for everyone, but it's been 4 years since my mom found out, and it took about 3 1/2 years for her to be more like herself again and actually go longer periods of time without nightmares. They are divorced now, and somehow it brought them closer together. I think she needed that closure. It's weird but my parents are still best friends. My mom is totally different now than she was just two years ago. I hope this isn't discouraging because of the length of time I mentioned. It seems like time is a healer for most any traumatic event. It takes some longer than others though.
Spark1111 Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 i am a 40 yr old mom of 2, married 11 years to a wonderful man. we began drifting apart last summer and by aug 22, 2009, he left me. he had been gone 3 weeks and i finally checked his cell bill. i discovered he had been txting/talking to a 32 yr old single mom since may 09. by the time i discovered their relationship it was too late..meaning they had already had sex together (he admitted to having sex with her 5 times total). i saw them out together 1 night... i asked her in front of him about the affair & she admitted it while he denied it. after another week or so he agreed to go to counseling with me and it worked miracles! he came home oct 10,09. he proves his love for me everyday, takes me places he goes, doesnt hide his fone anymore, got rid of all the guys..all for me & our marriage. its like a new guy. my problem is..when does the pain go away? when does the hurt stop? when does the cryin & detailed thoughts of them in bed together end? its been 6 months. our marriage is awesome, but i am still so devastated. i just want to move on with our future but sometimes i think its best if hes not in it. we love each other but im so torn between what to do and what not to do. what would YOU do? tiffyb, everything you are feeling is completely normal! It takes often years of your husband working tirelessly to restore trust with you, and for both of you to work together to create a new and better marriage. This is only possible if you love him and want to. Stay with the MC. It will give you tools to cope with your greiving of the marriage you thought you shared. Be patient with yourself. There is no quick fix for the betrayal of someone you loved and trusted above all others. Rule of thumb: 2 - 5 years to overcome a spousal infidelity with both of you doing a lot of hard work in both IC and MC and with each other. I wish you the best!
eddie_d_2000 Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 I feel your pain, my wife didn't leave me but had a physical affair with a man on the other side of the country. That was over 8 months ago and I still can't get it out of my head, it has gotten easier to deal with but still the memory remains. She met him through facebook and I swear if I could do away with that site I would in a heartbeat, It has caused more marriages to fail than I can count. I know, it takes two to tango but why would you put a temptation in front of weak people?
Disintegration Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 I'm glad he is proving himself to you and doing whatever it takes to regain your trust and love. I think it may be a long battle with trying to get over the fact of what he did with another woman and you may continue to have those thoughts for quite a while. I think as long as he continues to show you he is definitely a changed man and also as time goes on you may be able to deal with it better. You may not completely get over it you may have days where you may still cry here and there on occasion and that is okay too. We all show emotions. Continue to go to counseling and if you are having a bad day filled with bad thoughts talk to your husband about it so you aren't alone and he can do his best to comfort you and reassure you. Best of luck.
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