Did Not Like What I Saw....

[You'reasian]

My boyfriend has a password protected computer, but keeps it accessible when I am around, since it is always on. I asked if I could use his computer one day to upload some pictures of our recent trip to Facebook. As I was uploading, I saw a folder that had photos of naked women, but not professional photos of pornographic actresses or adult models, but of various "regular" women. There was one subfolder with a name of a female on it that contained many sexually explicit photos of her, and some flirtatious photos. The name was of a girl he had mentioned was a "friend" of his who I was aware he had hung out with at least twice during our relationship (at least what I was aware of). When I asked him whether they had either been intimate or dated, he replied, "No!" (I did ask in a very accusatory manner because I couldn't hide the fact that I had seen them so was a bit shaken up).

 

 

 

I am devastated. Why are they still on his computer? Is he still not over her? Are they his, excuse my language, mastubatory material? Is he cheating on me with her? He is very accountable for his whereabouts and time when we aren't together, and we hang out every weekend, so I am not sure. Furthermore, I don't know how to bring this up since I know it will lead to a huge blowup, but on the other hand, I can not pretend to act as if everything is alright when they're not. I feel dirty and betrayed, especially when he lied to me.

I need some advice. Thank you.

 

Tell him to delete the folder and replace them with pics of you, so he can swoon over you and think about you when you're not around!

[Dexter Morgan]

SK,

I wonder what your bf would say if he found pics of you riding an ex boyfriend and enjoying the hell out of it.

 

I bet THEN it would no longer be ok to keep sex/nude photos with exes.

[SadKitty78]

I finally told him, and he accused me of snooping - said he trusted that I wouldn't go through his computer and now he feels he can't trust me. He really let me have it! When it was my turn to say my piece, he essentially said, "Well it's all your fault you saw it!" He then claimed he deleted them, but then quickly made a guest account and kept that on the whole time I was in his room. This prompted me to believe he DID NOT delete them, and when I brought up the fact that he should just keep his log in as is if he indeed deleted them, and he again, went off on me about violating his privacy, etc., etc. Then I asked for the truth about their past and he said, "You have no right to any information that does not involve you. Are you trying to violate the privacy in my mind and past as well?"

 

That is when I had had it! I said, "You are right, I have no right to information in your mind or your past, BUT, I do have a right to be privy to any information, as your GF in this partnership, that would allow me to make decisions that are in line with my self respect and values. This way I can choose to continue the relationship with you or walk away." He said, "too bad!" dropped me off and is acting like HE is the ONLY one who has a right to be upset! We haven't talked, but it's over. He wants me to feel on the defensive and to chase after him to apologize when HE is the one who should be apologizing to me! I'm just so upset about this whole situation.

 

Thoughts? Thank you!

Edited April 11, 2010 by SadKitty78
spelling and grammar

[eraser]

I finally told him, and he accused me of snooping - said he trusted that I wouldn't go through his computer and now he feels he can't trust me. He really let me have it! When it was my turn to say my piece, he essentially said, "Well it's all your fault you saw it!" He then claimed he deleted them, but then quickly made a guest account and kept that on the whole time I was in his room. This prompted me to believe he DID NOT delete them, and when I brought up the fact that he should just keep his log in as is if he indeed deleted them, and he again, went off on me about violating his privacy, etc., etc. Then I asked for the truth about their past and he said, "You have no right to any information that does not involve you. Are you trying to violate the privacy in my mind and past as well?"

 

That is when I had had it! I said, "You are right, I have no right to information in your mind or your past, BUT, I do have a right to be privy to any information, as your GF in this partnership, that would allow me to make decisions that are in line with my self respect and values. This way I can choose to continue the relationship with you or walk away." He said, "too bad!" dropped me off and is acting like HE is the ONLY one who has a right to be upset! We haven't talked, but it's over. He wants me to feel on the defensive and to chase after him to apologize when HE is the one who should be apologizing to me! I'm just so upset about this whole situation.

 

Thoughts? Thank you!

 

1) He didn't didn't delete sh*t.

2) There is more objectionable content on that computer that you didn't see. Possibly worse stuff.

3) He threw his tantrum about trust because he is trying to deflect blame. He is also projecting. He is obviously the one that cannot be trusted.

4) "It's your fault you saw it"? I don't even know where to start with that one. Seriously.

5) Yes, he slept with these women.

6) He is disgusting. Get rid of him.

[kiss_andmakeup]

1) He didn't didn't delete sh*t.

2) There is more objectionable content on that computer that you didn't see. Possibly worse stuff.

3) He threw his tantrum about trust because he is trying to deflect blame. He is also projecting. He is obviously the one that cannot be trusted.

4) "It's your fault you saw it"? I don't even know where to start with that one. Seriously.

5) Yes, he slept with these women.

6) He is disgusting. Get rid of him.

 

Agree with all of this.

 

I read this thread yesterday before you posted the outcome and I even thought to myself then, "if he gets defensive when she confronts him, he's guilty as hell."

 

Glad you've said it's over...I hope you follow through with this because he really sounds like a jerk.

[blueberries]

i really admire what you've done. you have pride and self-respect, something that i wish i had in my younger days.

 

he sounds so much like my ex...i found things on his computer, in his apartment that i wasn't supposed to see and he also said "those things weren't meant for you to see, it's your fault for looking!" being young and so gullible i believed that it was my fault for the fight. it turned out that he was a man-whore, lying cheating sack of doo doo.

 

you did the right thing and of course he'll try to make you feel like the idiot for seeing things you weren't suppose to see. he is the guilty one, not you!

 

i truly hope you're able to follow through with what you said and walk away.

[SadKitty78]

i really admire what you've done. you have pride and self-respect, something that i wish i had in my younger days.

 

he sounds so much like my ex...i found things on his computer, in his apartment that i wasn't supposed to see and he also said "those things weren't meant for you to see, it's your fault for looking!" being young and so gullible i believed that it was my fault for the fight. it turned out that he was a man-whore, lying cheating sack of doo doo.

 

you did the right thing and of course he'll try to make you feel like the idiot for seeing things you weren't suppose to see. he is the guilty one, not you!

 

i truly hope you're able to follow through with what you said and walk away.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words! I was having a weak moment tonight feeling as if I did something wrong. I know it's a violation of privacy, I understand that, but I had permission to use his computer, and by the time I saw that thumbnail, it would not have been possible for me not to click further. And even if I hadn't clicked further, it would gnaw at me night after night what was in that folder after seeing that thumbnail. I tried at first to NOT bring up the fact I had seen it, but instead ask about the girl whose photos I had seen (not including random pix of other women), asked if they were just friends, and EVER just friends, and of course he lied saying they have ONLY EVER been friends.

 

He made me feel as though it was my fault and he said to me, "I can no longer trust you!" He can no longer trust me?! How am I supposed to trust him? And because of how I saw the photos, he never did tell me the truth about why he had those photos, what she meant to him, what they had, what they have now....

 

I digress. It's all irrelevant now. Just because I knew I did the right thing isn't easy, so don't blame yourself one bit, Blueberries, for staying longer than you did in your younger days. It's hard because you almost want to make excuses FOR them!

 

I'm trying to stay strong and I hope when the fight is over, that the relationship stays OVER as well.

[Dexter Morgan]

I finally told him, and he accused me of snooping - said he trusted that I wouldn't go through his computer and now he feels he can't trust me. He really let me have it! When it was my turn to say my piece, he essentially said, "Well it's all your fault you saw it!"

That is when I had had it! I said, "You are right, I have no right to information in your mind or your past, BUT, I do have a right to be privy to any information, as your GF in this partnership, that would allow me to make decisions that are in line with my self respect and values. This way I can choose to continue the relationship with you or walk away." He said, "too bad!" dropped me off and is acting like HE is the ONLY one who has a right to be upset! We haven't talked, but it's over. He wants me to feel on the defensive and to chase after him to apologize when HE is the one who should be apologizing to me! I'm just so upset about this whole situation.

 

Thoughts? Thank you!

 

LMFAO. What a jackass he is. He gets caught and acts like he is the one wronged here.

 

I hope it truly is over. Please don't tell me that you would consider taking this idiot back.

 

Not only was he a jerk for what he did, his childlike reaction to getting caught tells us all too much what kind of person he is. He'll never take any responsibility for his actions. I bet if you found out he was cheating he'd say, "well its your fault you know!!"...LOL, what a d!ck. I hope you dumped him for good. If so, go NC and don't answer ANY attempts at contact from him. block him on all communications if you can.

[SadKitty78]

Well, we finally talked and HE BROKE UP WITH ME (before I could break up with him)! Didn't realize this was a race!? That added insult to injury, that it was still a game of pride for him. Said I violated HIS trust and he could NEVER trust me again but would like to be friends with me.

 

NO COMMENT on my part...I'm speechless...part of me wished I had never brought up the fact I saw them, that maybe I WAS in the WRONG, but I know I spoke my truth and it's hard now but I know I did the right thing...

[eraser]

Well, we finally talked and HE BROKE UP WITH ME (before I could break up with him)! Didn't realize this was a race!? That added insult to injury, that it was still a game of pride for him. Said I violated HIS trust and he could NEVER trust me again but would like to be friends with me.

 

NO COMMENT on my part...I'm speechless...part of me wished I had never brought up the fact I saw them, that maybe I WAS in the WRONG, but I know I spoke my truth and it's hard now but I know I did the right thing...

 

This guy comes across as having some major issues. It doesn't seem like he can take responsibility for himself or his actions. He takes every chance he can to blame someone else for his screw ups, which is why he broke up with YOU before you could even finish a sentence. Don't be his "friend." As a matter of fact, don't contact him again. If you do, you will just end up as one of those girls in his folders. Respect yourself and move on. You are better off without a guy like this in your life.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well, we finally talked and HE BROKE UP WITH ME (before I could break up with him)! Didn't realize this was a race!?

 

he did you a favor. Ya, it was a race to him. this way he can brag to people that he dumped you. What a moron. He won't be faithful to any woman, and its clear he has an ego problem. He didn't want to be dumped for being an untrustworthy jackass.

 

 

That added insult to injury, that it was still a game of pride for him. Said I violated HIS trust

 

like he was worthy of it in the first place.

 

 

and he could NEVER trust me again but would like to be friends with me.

 

you looked at some folders on a computer...you didn't keep pictures of an old flame in compromising positions and keep in contact with them.

 

I'd tell him to take his "would like to be friends" and stick it up his arse.

 

 

NO COMMENT on my part...I'm speechless...part of me wished I had never brought up the fact I saw them

 

why? so you could stay with him, let him keep his precious momentos of sex with someone else, and let him still keep in contact with that person?

 

if you would have never brought it up, you'd just be the gf of a BOY who doesn't respect you and thinks its ok to keep sex pics of him and someone else, and still be in contact with that person.

 

 

that maybe I WAS in the WRONG

 

NO YOU WERE NOT! he is trying to gaslight you and put this on you. HE is the one that did wrong.

 

and how stupid would he have to be to keep the pictures on there when he knows you use the computer.

 

and if he had them "hidden", then obviously he knew it wasn't right to have them when he was suppose to be committed to you.

 

They guy is a jerk. You are better off without him.

[Confused Lady]

1. You're not his wife.....you had no right to snoop through his computer.

 

2. Of course they have slept together....don't kid yourself!

[Dexter Morgan]

1. You're not his wife.....you had no right to snoop through his computer.

 

well if the dumbass has something to hide, he shouldn't let her use his computer. With your rationale on this, people will NEVER catch a cheater in the act.

 

but hey, maybe hopefully some day you will be with someone that likes to keep sex pics, hide them from you, and still hang out with the women in the pics....just remember...don't snoop! Thats a no no!

[eraser]

but hey, maybe hopefully some day you will be with someone that likes to keep sex pics, hide them from you, and still hang out with the women in the pics....just remember...don't snoop! Thats a no no!

 

 

It's amazing that anyone could justify his behavior.

[ReadyforLove]

maybe I WAS in the WRONG

 

Don't ever believe that you were wrong in this situation! His immediate reaction speaks volumes. He was defensive because he knew he was in the wrong.

 

 

You are better off without him!

[SadKitty78]

Thank you everyone for your kind and supportive words! The fact that he made me feel bad about having seen them is what is making it difficult because sometimes I start feeling that a lot of it was my fault. But having compared it to, what if I had found evidence of cheating (more concrete evidence than what I did find), for example, actual emails or something, would it be justifiable for him to say, "Well you were looking so it's your fault you found out I'm cheating?!" When I look it that way, then I realize that he's the selfish one.

 

Also to clarify about the "snooping" aspect, please realize that I HAD PERMISSION to go find a folder of our trip in the MY PHOTOS directory. Once I was there I couldn't help seeing another folder that had a thumbnail of one of the photos in THAT folder on the folder icon itself. So even without clicking on it, I could already see a thumbnail of a sexually explicit photo of a woman that looked like he took (as opposed to just mass produced pornographic images). And there was my dilemma - even if somehow at that point I had such strong willpower to not click on it, this relationship still would not work because it would gnaw at me day and night wondering what it was that I saw. Either way, by having seen them, and then not hearing the truth (as opposed to the best scenario in this situation that he simply forgot to delete them), there was nowhere for this relationship to go. His response after the fact showed that it was NOT simply a matter of having forgotten to delete them. I was willing to let it go that two consenting adults can do whatever they like, including taking photos. But then he lied about the nature of their past relationship, which made me believe he kept them on purpose and that he still had an attraction or residual feelings for her, esp. since they still hang out. Also by so strongly asserting his "right" instead of addressing the issue of why he had those pictures in the first place made me aware that it was not simply an innocent situation, as in he just innocently forgot to delete them.