SadKitty78 Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 My boyfriend has a password protected computer, but keeps it accessible when I am around, since it is always on. I asked if I could use his computer one day to upload some pictures of our recent trip to Facebook. As I was uploading, I saw a folder that had photos of naked women, but not professional photos of pornographic actresses or adult models, but of various "regular" women. There was one subfolder with a name of a female on it that contained many sexually explicit photos of her, and some flirtatious photos. The name was of a girl he had mentioned was a "friend" of his who I was aware he had hung out with at least twice during our relationship (at least what I was aware of). When I asked him whether they had either been intimate or dated, he replied, "No!" (I did ask in a very accusatory manner because I couldn't hide the fact that I had seen them so was a bit shaken up). I am devastated. Why are they still on his computer? Is he still not over her? Are they his, excuse my language, mastubatory material? Is he cheating on me with her? He is very accountable for his whereabouts and time when we aren't together, and we hang out every weekend, so I am not sure. Furthermore, I don't know how to bring this up since I know it will lead to a huge blowup, but on the other hand, I can not pretend to act as if everything is alright when they're not. I feel dirty and betrayed, especially when he lied to me. I need some advice. Thank you.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 I don't know how to bring this up since I know it will lead to a huge blowup, but on the other hand, I can not pretend to act as if everything is alright when they're not. I feel dirty and betrayed, especially when he lied to me. I need some advice. Thank you. I always love when a cheater, or someone acting as your boyfriend is, is confronted with their cheating, they get defensive and a huge fight ensues BECAUSE THEY GOT CAUGHT. are you thinking about dumping him? I would if I caught a woman of mine doing the same things as your bf. if so, don't worry about a confrontation. bring it up, then tell him you are dumping his sorry untrustworthy ass. you don't have to then stick around to put up with any "blow up". and you can better believe that he DID have sex with this "friend".
Author SadKitty78 Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 I would like to point out that the dates on the photos were all way before he met me. BUT....why are they still there and WHY are they still hanging out and WHY did he lie about the nature of their friendship? Unfortunately, you are probably correct.
AAlike Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 For the most part I agree with Dexter - I can't think of a good reason why he would have these pictures, and any "blowup" would just be wholly indicative of his 100% guilt. However there is one kind of weird thing about your story: As I was uploading, I saw a folder that had photos of naked women, but not professional photos of pornographic actresses or adult models, but of various "regular" women. "as you were uploading" you "saw" a folder and subfolders? if you snooped, fine, I'm not trying to call you out on that, but the way you wrote this you make it sound like these pics were basically where anyone would find them - if that is the case, and your BF grants you regular access to his computer then maybe there's a perfectly good explanation for this. Although for the life of me I can't think of what that would be, you'd think that if he was desparately trying to hide his indiscretions he wouldn't have them in plain sight.
Author SadKitty78 Posted April 7, 2010 Author Posted April 7, 2010 I had permission to access the photos section of his computer and saw a thumbnail on one of the folders that prompted me to click on the folder (a naked woman). There were other folders there of course and one contained the photos I was looking for so I did "snoop" so to speak when I saw that other folder.
dazzle22 Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 I would be very upset about this personally. Hard to believe they are/were 'just friends' given the nature of the pictures, and if they still occasionally hang out together, I would be very troubled by this. For me, something like that would be a dealbreaker...
ADF Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 This is still a free country, and what your BF chooses to keep on his computer is none of your business. However, if you honestly fear he is being unfaithful, you need to confront him about it.
RobM Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Anytime you ask anyone something in a "accusatory manner" the normal response from most people is to deny it in a forceful way, that seems to be human nature to me. On a side note I have a question for the women, when a guy starts dating a new woman does she expect him to completely delete any trace of all previous girlfriends, pictures, gifts, whatever.
Author SadKitty78 Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 Rob, No, some mementos are perfectly ok. I have a stuffed monkey in some box somewhere my ex gave me, and some photos of my ex and I at some football game on a CD somewhere that I burned onto right after we broke up that I haven't deleted. I don't find a photo here or there a problem. My issue are the explicit photos of her, esp. since they still occasionally hang out. While I don't want to jump to conclusions that he DEFINITELY cheated, I don't think it's 100% kosher either. Images of a sexual nature of an ex is unacceptable. Would you like seeing naked photos of your gf's ex on her computer or lying around her bedroom? Esp. since you never knew that was her ex or that she had been intimate with her before and they still hang out? Even w/o that fact, just having explicit photos of an ex isn't acceptable to me whether there's infidelity there or not.
dazzle22 Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Totally agree with you SadKitty. I have all my photo albums from my prior marriage of 25 yrs. Not to remember him, but it was my life and not all of it was bad or needs to be erased. But NAKED pics must go! NOT ok in my book. Of course, it is a free country, people can do any manner of crazy things, but we as individuals can choose what we will and will not put up with in our relationships. Frankly, the older I get, the LESS disrespectful nonsense I put up with from everyone.. I think it is a big red flag that he STILL 'hangs out' with her, and frankly would not for one second believe it is a platonic relationship.
RobM Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 That seems fair, although it wouldn't bother me if my wife had naked pics of an ex, as long as I didn't have to look at them. I'm not sure I would want her having naked pics of someone that she still hung out with.
Author SadKitty78 Posted April 8, 2010 Author Posted April 8, 2010 (edited) To all the male posters, I need your advice on how to approach this conversation with him. I know I am going to be livid and emotional when I bring this up and I know many men don't "hear" it when a woman is speaking in an emotional tone, so what is the most concise and rational way to bring this up? Thanks. I actually invite the female posters to assist as well; didn't mean to single out the men, just thought I'd find out the best way to effectively communicate this to a guy. Edited April 8, 2010 by SadKitty78
RobM Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 Well, first of all if you want to get anywhere you're going to have to find a way to not be "livid and emotional" when you talk to him about it. I would think you have to calmly and rationally talk to him, explain what him having naked pics of ex's or close female friends is not acceptable to you and you would like him to delete them. What outcome are you looking for, that he deletes them, that he apologizes, that he promises to not keep those types of pics in the future, what exactly are you looking for? Or is about more than the pics, do you want to find out he slept with her in the past, or did he cheat during your relationship. I would be surprised if he ever admits either of those, even if it happened. Whatever you do don't use the phrase "just tell me the truth so we can get past this, I won't be mad" because 1) he won't believe you, and 2) you will get mad. I don't know if they slept together in the past or during your relationship, but it's not a given. I've had women send me naked pics of themselves and I haven't slept with them, and yes I still some of them I just do a much better job of hiding them than he did. Why do I keep them, good question, I guess I like to look at them once in a while. Of course every so often I do feel guilty and clear out my laptop. Good luck.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 I would like to point out that the dates on the photos were all way before he met me. BUT....why are they still there and WHY are they still hanging out and WHY did he lie about the nature of their friendship? Unfortunately, you are probably correct. well, that may be a tad different now knowing they were taken before you met, but he has them on there so he can look at them from time to time, so he can wax nostalgic...and wax his vienna sausage at the same time. he doesn't want to give them up and hoped you'd never find them. is this the guy you want to waste any more of your time on?
Dexter Morgan Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 This is still a free country, and what your BF chooses to keep on his computer is none of your business. if her bf is not wanting to let go of nude photos of an old flame, it is every bit her business. its none of her business if he decides to keep them on there, but his state of mind in keeping them when in a committed relationship IS her business.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 On a side note I have a question for the women, when a guy starts dating a new woman does she expect him to completely delete any trace of all previous girlfriends, pictures, gifts, whatever. we aren't talking about prom pictures, or photos in general. we are talking about nude photos of old flames....highly inappropriate, and at the very least disrespectful to anyone he decides to get into a committment with.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 8, 2010 Posted April 8, 2010 To all the male posters, I need your advice on how to approach this conversation with him. just flat out, in a calm, non-aggressive tone, say, "I do not like you having nude pictures of any women you have been with in the past.....what are we going to do about this situation?"
Engadget Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Tell him straight out you're not real comfortable of him having these pictures around still. Something tells me it goes a little deeper than just pictures though. I've never had naked pictures from a woman I didn't sleep with. Ask him how he came by them perhaps?
Author SadKitty78 Posted April 9, 2010 Author Posted April 9, 2010 They were DEFINITELY intimate because it looked like HE took those photos! If those aren't evidence of sexual relations at some point, don't know what is - perhaps a video or seeing it with my own eyes?! Granted they were all dated before I came in the picture, it isn't just these photos alone, but that I know they have hung out twice in the last 6 months THAT I AM AWARE OF. I am not one of those GFs with annoying arbitrary rules, so when he said he was hanging out with a friend, I didn't harass him about it. As we started dating, I began to meet more and more of his friends, both male and female, but NEVER this one. Furthermore, when I asked him, albeit in a very accusatory and angry manner whether they had ever dated or been intimate (without disclosing I had seen the photos), he replied, "No!" I said, "Well I'd like to meet her one day.." (Silence) Part of me wonders whether bringing up the photos is even relevant at this point since it's not just the photos that are inappropriate, but he lied to me. Furthermore, we don't know if anything happened between them when I was in the picture. Asking him to remove the photos may not be sufficient since then we would have to discuss the issue of why he lied, he would probably get defensive, and the conversation probably wouldn't go anywhere. It would be one thing if he simply had them on his computer, forgot about them, and deleted it when I requested that he do that. This is a whole lot more complicated.... Perhaps it's just best to TERMINATE....
Author SadKitty78 Posted April 9, 2010 Author Posted April 9, 2010 if her bf is not wanting to let go of nude photos of an old flame, it is every bit her business. its none of her business if he decides to keep them on there, but his state of mind in keeping them when in a committed relationship IS her business. Thank you for coming to my defense Dexter! You are correct, what he keeps on his computer are his, sure, I understand. That's why this situation would be less complicated if he indeed, just forgot, and upon bringing it up, he deleted them in front of me. But this involves him still hanging out with her and lying to me about the nature of their relationship in the past (of course he'd lie about the present if there were any cheating)...and that is every business of mine.
dazzle22 Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Well, it's sounding worse and worse. People always say, 'give them the benefit of the doubt'.... I have found in life that if I have doubts, they have always been right on, and I was a fool to ignore them. IMHO: Of course he slept with her, and he's keeping pics of the times he did, (yuck, now you see the look on her face AFTER..)..and he's STILL hanging with her, and he's lying about it all. You know in your heart of hearts that is true.... I would push the TERMINATE button on this liar...
Dexter Morgan Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Thank you for coming to my defense Dexter! You are correct, what he keeps on his computer are his, sure, I understand. That's why this situation would be less complicated if he indeed, just forgot, and upon bringing it up, he deleted them in front of me. But this involves him still hanging out with her and lying to me about the nature of their relationship in the past (of course he'd lie about the present if there were any cheating)...and that is every business of mine. trust me, your bf is no prize. Anyone that feels the need to keep nude pictures of an X, whether they still are in contact with them are not, isn't anyone worth keeping and WILL be a problem to you in the form of cheating at some point. And again, my guess is he is cheating. If he wants to keep nude photos of her, then he wants to bang her...and will if the perfect situation/opportunity arises. I say dump him and let him have little miss amateur porn star.
phineas Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 Ahh, the "just a friend" you have never met. been there. done that waiting for the divorce.
eraser Posted April 9, 2010 Posted April 9, 2010 One of my exes was like this. All I have to say is: RUN AS FAR AWAY AS YOU CAN, AS FAST AS YOU CAN. Look, it is one thing to indulge in a little porn now and then. It is quite another to have naked pictures of people he knows and regularly communicates with. And, to top it off, they're all organized? Seriously...RUN. Also, I'm not sure why you're so concerned with coming off as rational and unemotional when talking about this issue to him. If he found naked pictures of your male "friends" on your computer, he'd flip his sh*t. And he'd probably press "TERMINATE" at the same time.
Author SadKitty78 Posted April 9, 2010 Author Posted April 9, 2010 I say dump him and let him have little miss amateur porn star. Hehe, Dex, you made me chuckle (if only for a second since I'm still upset of course), but you're right! Also looks like he's into "photo-taking" and "collecting and archiving" and I am sooo NOT into that. Amateur porn star isn't one of my career aspirations in life. And it looks like he has one already"
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