Your views on 18 and dating someone 31

[cooldudeinberlin]

This has rebound written all over it... sorry to say that... but rebounds 99.9% of the time NEVER work out... it helps soothe the ego after being dumped.

 

4 year relationship takes some time to get over the issues, pain, bitterness, anger, still thinking about them, etc. If that hasnt happened yet due to another relationship coming along, I can 100% guarantee you it will eventually surface... this guy has issues and baggage he has yet to deal with.

 

Not dissing your age... but an older woman, or one his age (due to a bit more life experience) would probably have recognized this and wouldnt consider anything meaningful or lasting with him.

 

As far as the age difference... who cares? you are both adults and whatever connection you have is your business... its no big mystery that many mature, intelligent younger women find older men very attractive and sexy compared to the silly boys their age - has a lot to do with the cool, calm manner, the confidence and experience... but it can also be a phase that many young women go through.

 

to the above poster Erica...

your experience has nothing to do with a younger woman dating an older man, but a certain type of man (word being used loosely).... anyone that takes emotional advantage of another and very controlling is apparently having a lot of issues and insecurities about themself... doesnt matter what age their partner is... they will always be emotionally abusive until they deal with whatever demons haunt them. Then again, at that tender young age of 17/18 for a woman, its highly likely that you will have to go through this experience, no matter what your lover's age - and let's face it... its a teenager with really no life experience at all... its all about learning and growing and knowing to never put up with anything like that again. Im sure in your 20's now is a completely different ball game to then

Edited April 8, 2010 by cooldudeinberlin

[EricaH329]

to the above poster Erica...

your experience has nothing to do with a younger woman dating an older man, but a certain type of man (word being used loosely).... anyone that takes emotional advantage of another and very controlling is apparently having a lot of issues and insecurities about themself... doesnt matter what age their partner is... they will always be emotionally abusive until they deal with whatever demons haunt them. Then again, at that tender young age of 17/18 for a woman, its highly likely that you will have to go through this experience, no matter what your lover's age - and let's face it... its a teenager with really no life experience at all... its all about learning and growing and knowing to never put up with anything like that again. Im sure in your 20's now is a completely different ball game to then

 

The point I was trying to make, was that he took advantage of the fact that I was young and I didn't really know any better. Sure, after something happens for the first time that you really don't like, you don't go after it anymore. The experience is what counts.

 

Regardless of his own flaws, he knew that I didn't know any better to leave. I never experienced something serious before, and he knew just what to say/do to make sure I stuck around. Keep in mind though, I didn't realize this while it was going on. It wasn't until I matured that I looked back and noticed what was really happening. Hindsight.

[cooldudeinberlin]

The point I was trying to make, was that he took advantage of the fact that I was young and I didn't really know any better. Sure, after something happens for the first time that you really don't like, you don't go after it anymore. The experience is what counts.

 

Regardless of his own flaws, he knew that I didn't know any better to leave. I never experienced something serious before, and he knew just what to say/do to make sure I stuck around. Keep in mind though, I didn't realize this while it was going on. It wasn't until I matured that I looked back and noticed what was really happening. Hindsight.

 

 

I get you... due to the inexperience and/or age... you didnt have the wisdom to warn your intuition or make you stand up and read him the riot act. Sure, he was manipulative... maybe not even to his own knowledge... quite often, with most, its subconscious, which makes it a very dangerous situation.

 

The relationship sounded co-dependent... you on him for the eternal acceptance /validation and him of your attention/ love and continuing to see him as the one you look up to and admire. your decisions to stay even during periods where your were beginning to get that intuitive feeling that this isnt right, etc. were actually a good thing... it makes you who you are today (hopefully not entirely cynical... as you still have a healthy, fruitful life in front of you)... but chalk it up to wisdom gaining experience

[SarahRose]

I didnt get my own place because he wanted us to live together and have a serious relationship. He doesnt have a bad bone in him and his family is awesome about us. We are just saving for our own place. If he kicks me out then I guess my family will be happy and I will live with them if I cant afford my own place. I dont think of him as a parent. I have a mother and 2 dads. I lived on my own since I was 16 I guess cause I was rebellious. Thanks for your opinions.

 

This makes no sense at all.

 

If he wanted to live together then why didn't you two just get a place of your own together instead of you moving in with him and his parent?

 

Does this guy have a decent paying job? Does he have children? Was he married before?

 

I don't understand why it takes 8 months to save for your own place?

[Jersey Shortie]

18inlove, you're at the time in your life when you graduated high school and you feel mature. And you are compared to the 15,16,17 self you use to be. But you have so much more to learn. You will change ALOT between 18-25. We all did. So the things you think you want now, might not be what you want later. What you think you know now, might not be the reality. That's just the way it is when you are young. It's not meant to say you are stupid or not mature. But you are 18. And that means you still have growing up to do.

 

All I can say is I know no matter what is said here, you will follow your heart. But do not put all your eggs in this basket. If you want to date him. Fine. If you want to live with him. Okay. I wouldn't do it but that's your choice. But please, please ,please do not forgo college for a full time job and the mere *possibitlies* of being married young. Enjoy the relationship, learn from it BUT go to school. If he is around for the long haul, he isn't going anywhere and he will want you to go to school. I can not laminate this enough. You want to date and live with this man. Okay. But do not forgo school for any reason. Don't let your days mush into working and relationship without going to school.

[18inlove]

I've only read through 2 pages of this thread, before I started feeling sick.

 

I was in a similiar position myself. When I was 17 and 18 I was seeing a guy older than I was. I swore left and right to anyone who asked, that I knew what I wanted out of a guy, and that this was it. He was it. And he loved me and would never hurt me.

 

Was I ever wrong. He used my ignorance to his advantage. He made me believe things that I had noooo idea about. He tried to control me, take me away from my friends and family, wouldn't let me do things unless I asked first, made sure that I had to rely on him somehow so that I wouldn't kick him to the curb.

 

Hun, if there is anything that you get out of this thread, please let it be that he knows what he is doing right now. And while you might not be fully aware of it, he is.

 

On the other hand, this will be something you will remember forever. Once he does whatever he pleases, and treats you however he would like, and the relationship is finally over... you will look back on this a few years from now and ask yourself what you were thinking. I promise.

 

But when I was that age, I didn't listen to anyone either. I thought I knew everything about what was going on. I learned the hard way, and i'm sure you will too. I just hope this isn't too devastating once it's over. You will learn a lot, though, that's for sure.

ERINH, Id love to hear your story.....and how things played out and how it ended?

[18inlove]

This has rebound written all over it... sorry to say that... but rebounds 99.9% of the time NEVER work out... it helps soothe the ego after being dumped.

 

4 year relationship takes some time to get over the issues, pain, bitterness, anger, still thinking about them, etc. If that hasnt happened yet due to another relationship coming along, I can 100% guarantee you it will eventually surface... this guy has issues and baggage he has yet to deal with.

 

Not dissing your age... but an older woman, or one his age (due to a bit more life experience) would probably have recognized this and wouldnt consider anything meaningful or lasting with him.

 

As far as the age difference... who cares? you are both adults and whatever connection you have is your business... its no big mystery that many mature, intelligent younger women find older men very attractive and sexy compared to the silly boys their age - has a lot to do with the cool, calm manner, the confidence and experience... but it can also be a phase that many young women go through.

 

to the above poster Erica...

your experience has nothing to do with a younger woman dating an older man, but a certain type of man (word being used loosely).... anyone that takes emotional advantage of another and very controlling is apparently having a lot of issues and insecurities about themself... doesnt matter what age their partner is... they will always be emotionally abusive until they deal with whatever demons haunt them. Then again, at that tender young age of 17/18 for a woman, its highly likely that you will have to go through this experience, no matter what your lover's age - and let's face it... its a teenager with really no life experience at all... its all about learning and growing and knowing to never put up with anything like that again. Im sure in your 20's now is a completely different ball game to then

Thank you for the insight...I just wonder how or why someone more expirienced would even bother getting attatched to someone of my age if it initially is going to end in heartache as many say it will?

Whose to say it cant last a lifetime, Im sure I got to live and learn but cant people do that with a lifelong partner?

I plan on attending college in the fall. As for him he has a job and the reason we live with his dad is cause his dad needed help with an injury and it just is easier on us all in this economy.

[CarrieT]

I just wonder how or why someone more expirienced would even bother getting attatched to someone of my age if it initially is going to end in heartache as many say it will?

 

Because a guy on rebound who is getting his rocks off with an 18-year old on a daily basis (or whenever he basically wants it), isn't considering an ending either. He is just filling a basic, physical need and undoubtedly knows that at some point, the young girl is going to realize how she is being used and leave him. But since the alternative is being alone, why WOULDN'T he continue as long as he is getting what he wants?

[18inlove]

Because a guy on rebound who is getting his rocks off with an 18-year old on a daily basis (or whenever he basically wants it), isn't considering an ending either. He is just filling a basic, physical need and undoubtedly knows that at some point, the young girl is going to realize how she is being used and leave him. But since the alternative is being alone, why WOULDN'T he continue as long as he is getting what he wants?

 

So your implying love or lasting love is impossible at the age of 18?

He had a lifelong partner and chose a new life with me to be his lifelong partner, So that makes me feel like I am special and important when his ex did nothing wrong and I feel bad for her, but ultimately it was me in the end who won.

[CarrieT]

So your implying love or lasting love is impossible at the age of 18?

Based on everything you have told us about your relationship, YES, I believe lasting love IS impossible at the age of 18. And many, many others have indicated the same thing, but you are choosing to ignore the advice of those whose opinions you have sought.

[18inlove]

Based on everything you have told us about your relationship, YES, I believe lasting love IS impossible at the age of 18. And many, many others have indicated the same thing, but you are choosing to ignore the advice of those whose opinions you have sought.

Well maybe thats what the statistics say but my grandparents married at 18 and have been together 50 years. Sure things will be difficult as any relationship but you can make it if you love and trust someone. He is ready to settle down and have a family and so am I, so I dont see the problem as of now, but I will be sure to inform you all if it goes sour.

[Jersey Shortie]

18inlove, it isn't 50 years ago and this isn't your grandparents. You can't compare the two. Yeah that's great that your parents met and married at 18. That doesn't happen that way anymore.

 

But seriously 18inlove, what do you want? You clearly already made up your mind. Why did you ask? People gave you their opinions whether you agree or not. I am assuming you wanted other's opinions due to their own pesronal life experience and answers yes?

 

Truth is you are only 18. It doesn't mean it can't work out but it doesn't mean that it will just because your grandparents made it through 50 years of marriage and your "in-love". You will change alot from 18-25. I would also be worried by the fact that he flaked between you and the ex.

 

All I can say is either way, if you do or don't stay with him, please go to college. Also, you yourself noted he isn't an altogether mature 31 year old man. Something to keep in mind.

[EricaH329]

ERINH, Id love to hear your story.....and how things played out and how it ended?

 

Well, I moved in with him and his family also. I didn't have a car, either, so I had to rely on him to take me places. When my family and friends didn't agree, he didn't push me to form a relationship with them. He really could have cared less. He wanted to get married, also, and even put a ring on my finger.

 

There were a lot of issues with him, though. He was very controlling and posessive. I felt like I was in love with him for awhile, but it turned out I wasn't, and when I realized that I tried to pull away and he wouldn't allow it. But I doubt that relates to your story.

 

He had made me feel like since I was so young I didn't really know what I was doing. Looking back, he took advantage of the fact that I was young. He, too, had just gotten out of a serious relationship with a woman he had kids with.

 

It basically got to the point where I grew to learn what I wanted, and he wasn't it. The break up was messy. But, to be honest, I don't regret any minute of it. He helped me realize (just as all of my other ex's) what I want out of a person, and for myself. I had to learn that the hard way, though. But i'm stubborn like that

 

I just want you to be careful. Just like Jersey Shortie said, don't put all of your eggs in one basket. I would go out and set up a life for yourself. What happens if you both break up? You would be left with nothing. But i'm sure you know all of this.

[USMCHokie]

your experience has nothing to do with a younger woman dating an older man, but a certain type of man (word being used loosely).... anyone that takes emotional advantage of another and very controlling is apparently having a lot of issues and insecurities about themself... doesnt matter what age their partner is... they will always be emotionally abusive until they deal with whatever demons haunt them. Then again, at that tender young age of 17/18 for a woman, its highly likely that you will have to go through this experience, no matter what your lover's age - and let's face it... its a teenager with really no life experience at all... its all about learning and growing and knowing to never put up with anything like that again. Im sure in your 20's now is a completely different ball game to then

 

 

I'm going to have to disagree with this. At least to some extent...

 

The age difference here, 31 to 18, plays a larger role than the character of the older man, because at these two particular ages, there is an inherent predatory nature to a 31 year old trying to "settle down" with an 18 year old. It is analogous to lions concentrating their efforts on the weak and sick individuals in a herd. They seek out the most vulnerable and easily attainable individuals...in this case, the easiest lay...and the easiest girl to keep around with the least amount of effort...it's clearly evident this guy did a great job of picking the weak antelope...OP isn't going anywhere...

 

It doesn't matter if the older man is a saint or a sinner...a well-respecting 31 year old man would know that an 18 year old is simply not ready for a committed relationship to settle down...she doesn't have enough to offer to a well-balanced relationship...unless he was only in it for arm candy, sex, or a baby machine...in that case, it would eventually become an entirely one-sided relationship where the younger girl is trapped and miserable.

 

However, note that there is a HUGE difference between a 31 y/o and 18 y/o versus a 41 y/o and 28 y/o...age difference is the same, but it is MUCH more likely that the 28 y/o is capable of sustaining an meaningful committed relationship.

 

So yes, you're right in that it is often the character of the individuals that determines the outcome of these relationships, but at the particular ages of interest in this thread, there is an inherent character flaw in the man based on those ages.

[USMCHokie]

Well maybe thats what the statistics say but my grandparents married at 18 and have been together 50 years. Sure things will be difficult as any relationship but you can make it if you love and trust someone. He is ready to settle down and have a family and so am I, so I dont see the problem as of now, but I will be sure to inform you all if it goes sour.

 

 

You know what, I'm happy for you. If you truly believe you're in love and trust this guy to grave, then that's great. The only thing I have to tell you is that this guy you're "in love" with is a total loser. And I will comfortably bet the whole damn farm on it. Twice. I'll even borrow my brother's farm and bet that.

 

But if you're satisfied spending your life with a loser of a man and don't want more, then by all means stick to your guns and be proud of your decision. You know all those degenerate couples in the movies and TV of the abusive older husband with the wife who used to be pretty and now live a miserable life with their three kids they can barely afford to feed? That will be you.

 

I am a huge fan of "social natural selection", the cousin of biological natural selection, where the most undesirable of society are eventually removed from the population. A mature and desirable 31 year old man would never try to settle down with an 18 year old. At least not for the right reasons. But again, if it removes an immature 31 year old and a really immature 18 year old from the dating pool, then kudos to you.

[18inlove]

You know what, I'm happy for you. If you truly believe you're in love and trust this guy to grave, then that's great. The only thing I have to tell you is that this guy you're "in love" with is a total loser. And I will comfortably bet the whole damn farm on it. Twice. I'll even borrow my brother's farm and bet that.

 

But if you're satisfied spending your life with a loser of a man and don't want more, then by all means stick to your guns and be proud of your decision. You know all those degenerate couples in the movies and TV of the abusive older husband with the wife who used to be pretty and now live a miserable life with their three kids they can barely afford to feed? That will be you.

 

I am a huge fan of "social natural selection", the cousin of biological natural selection, where the most undesirable of society are eventually removed from the population. A mature and desirable 31 year old man would never try to settle down with an 18 year old. At least not for the right reasons. But again, if it removes an immature 31 year old and a really immature 18 year old from the dating pool, then kudos to you.

 

What makes you assume anyone is a Total Loser or my BF?

[USMCHokie]

What makes you assume anyone is a Total Loser or my BF?

 

 

Ummm...let me count the ways...

 

1) 31 years old living at home with Pops.

2) He wants to settle down with a new girl he started dating one week after he ended a 4 year relationship.

3) He wants to settle down with an 18 year old girl. (i.e., he can't do better than that...)

4) "He is pretty much antisocial" and "hang out with people [your] age."

5) He is perfectly fine with driving a wedge between you and your family and friends for the sake of keeping you in the relationship.

 

 

OR...

 

He could be the most brilliant man alive being able to string along an 18 year old girl...hell, I'm starting to get jealous...maybe I should give it a whirl...find a senior in high school...marry her...then collect some extra money each month for a dependent...yea, I can see it now...

[18inlove]

Im sorry you have been hurt in your life and you dont believe in love anymore. Or you never had any rough patches and illnesses in your family and you had to help out your parents. So lucky!

[norajane]

I just wonder how or why someone more expirienced would even bother getting attatched to someone of my age if it initially is going to end in heartache as many say it will?

 

Because you will be the one with the heartache when this ends, not him.

 

He had a lifelong partner and chose a new life with me to be his lifelong partner, So that makes me feel like I am special and important when his ex did nothing wrong and I feel bad for her, but ultimately it was me in the end who won.

 

Correction - he ran away from a person who could have been a lifelong partner and thought she was a lifelong partner, and to a person who is barely an adult, much less suitable to be a lifelong partner. Depending on the laws in your state, just a year or so ago and he would have been guilty of statutory rape and in danger of jail time.

 

That does not scream of a guy who wants to settle down and be anyone's lifelong partner. That screams of a guy who runs away from a lifelong commitment.

[norajane]

so I dont see the problem as of now, but I will be sure to inform you all if it goes sour.

 

So you came here for what if you had no concerns at all?

 

Look, I get it, you are never going to leave this guy and are ready to believe in him and in your love for him. But something brought you here, you have some misgivings, and I think all this opposition you are getting from everyone has just made you more determined than ever to defend him. Which, of course, is another reason why it's so clear that you are too young to make a lifetime decision...teenagers are the ones who typically will be even more determined to do the exact opposite of what older and presumably wiser people advise.

 

And that's fine. None of us are going to suffer the consequences of your choosing to make yourself dependent on a man who isn't likely to be your knight in shining armor after a while. You will be the one who will have to deal with the results of your choices.

 

Good luck to you.

[USMCHokie]

Im sorry you have been hurt in your life and you dont believe in love anymore.

 

 

Give it a few years...you'll eventually see the light...

[18inlove]

So you came here for what if you had no concerns at all?

 

Look, I get it, you are never going to leave this guy and are ready to believe in him and in your love for him. But something brought you here, you have some misgivings, and I think all this opposition you are getting from everyone has just made you more determined than ever to defend him. Which, of course, is another reason why it's so clear that you are too young to make a lifetime decision...teenagers are the ones who typically will be even more determined to do the exact opposite of what older and presumably wiser people advise.

 

And that's fine. None of us are going to suffer the consequences of your choosing to make yourself dependent on a man who isn't likely to be your knight in shining armor after a while. You will be the one who will have to deal with the results of your choices.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Of course i came here with concerns but also to find people in similar age gap relationships and to see how theirs worked out. I didnt expect to be trashed. I understand everyones concern and I have been thinking about what everyone has told me. When somebody loves you and is good to you its hard to walk away that easy.

[EricaH329]

Of course i came here with concerns but also to find people in similar age gap relationships and to see how theirs worked out. I didnt expect to be trashed. I understand everyones concern and I have been thinking about what everyone has told me. When somebody loves you and is good to you its hard to walk away that easy.

 

I really do know how you feel. I've been in a similiar situation also. I know exactly what you are going through right know. I know this is hard to take in all at once, from strangers at that.

 

And you are very right, when you are in love with someone it's almost impossible to walk away from them. And you will do it on your own time, most of us do. We are just trying to get you to understand what's going on, and how this will end. I know you don't want to hear any of it, and it's hard to hear.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a very tough situation to be in, I know. But you'll become a more experienced young woman when all of this is said and done. I really hope you don't take it too hard when this ends.

 

Good luck!

[norajane]

Of course i came here with concerns but also to find people in similar age gap relationships and to see how theirs worked out. I didnt expect to be trashed. I understand everyones concern and I have been thinking about what everyone has told me. When somebody loves you and is good to you its hard to walk away that easy.

 

Just don't allow yourself to become so dependent on him financially or emotionally that you feel stuck with him if he turns into an ass or are financially and emotionally devastated if he dumps you. And for god's sake, don't get pregnant.

 

Keep your independence. And try to re-establish relationships with your family and friends. You will need them. Don't let him become your whole world and the only thing in your world.

[18inlove]

I really do know how you feel. I've been in a similiar situation also. I know exactly what you are going through right know. I know this is hard to take in all at once, from strangers at that.

 

And you are very right, when you are in love with someone it's almost impossible to walk away from them. And you will do it on your own time, most of us do. We are just trying to get you to understand what's going on, and how this will end. I know you don't want to hear any of it, and it's hard to hear.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a very tough situation to be in, I know. But you'll become a more experienced young woman when all of this is said and done. I really hope you don't take it too hard when this ends.

 

Good luck!

maybe it will end maybe not but I know he made a tough decsion when he left his ex behind, he was very confused. I think me nagging him to take me back, he felt sorry for me although he wont admit it, but like I told him if we dont work cause of my age then he gave up his ex which was closer to his age and expirienced and he said he knows what he lost and feels bad for it but he couldnt turn me away either?