3 days down. NC. Need a doctor, cant cope.

[luke1081]

Hi guys, Im a UK user (not sure if theres any other Brits around) and thank God I found this site...been reading lots of threads and it seems 1. I am not the only one going through this and 2. there is hope

 

However, it doesnt make it any easier.

 

With my girlfriend for 18 months, met on Facebook and fell in love very quickly. On Monday she stated that she loved me but wasnt "in love" with me. She stated she wanted to break up, the relationship had run out of steam and I was more of a friend than a boyfriend. I didnt see it coming and am devestated like never before. I havent been to work in 3 days and am due to see a doctor tomorrow (I am hoping he/she can give me something to 'take the edge of it'). Today I have been rolling around on the floor crying like a baby; screaming and shouting and thumping pillows. Im not sleeping. I dont want to sleep because when I wake up in the morning I feel like hell...all the recent events come flooding back and I start crying and screaming. I have maintained NC by deleting her phone numbers and blocking her on MSN. She doesnt live that close so no chance of bumping into her. And thankfully my mutual friends (who were all my friends before) are sticking by me. My biggest worry is I will never ever meet anyone as nice as she was. I cant see how I wont compare future girlfriends (if I get another one!) to her because...she was perfect.

 

Writing this has really helped. A lot. Has anyone else gone down the doctors route and got something to help? What scares me a lot is reading posts where people state is has taken months and months to get over it....and Im only on day 3. I wanna be 6 months in the future :< I even went on dating sites today and hated the look of everyone on it I saw, thinking how could anyone match the ex.

 

Thanks guys, this site, at this time, has been a saviour to me.

Edited April 7, 2010 by luke1081

[lisal0u]

Hi,

 

I know exactly how you feel! I've been to the doctors twice now and I have an appontment to talk things through with a nurse tomorrow!

 

I wasn't sleeping either and have been giving sleeping tablets! Really don't want to go down the anti depressant route! Im taking st johns wort which is a natural anti depressant but only for a few days so no affect yet!

 

The sleeping tablets help but like you say you still have to face it all in the morning! I've been Reading lots on here and it helps to know people do get through it!

 

We will get through it because we have to and time will heal us whether we like it or not! I do very much wish there was a fast forward button though!

[DustySaltus]

Luke, welcome to LS although I'm sorry under these circumstances.

 

First off, this girl is not perfect, You have to knock her off that pedestal. She told you that she wasn't "in love" with you anymore. Well, it's a two way street. Why didn't she do anything or say anything to try and get things on the right track again. When things are going well people either run from their problems and stick it out. She chose to run away, that's not a quality of a "perfect" mate. There's no such thing, we need to accept people for what they are. Accept her for what she is, a quitter when it comes to the relationship.

 

I know how you feel. I was on a plane for 12 hours after my ex fiance and I broke up. Had to move back into my parents house for the short term and crawl back to my old job, all while going through the most horrible breakup I ever experienced. I was angry at everyone, was in complete denial for a while, bitter (which I still am sometimes to a certain extent but working on it), tired and scared of the future...which was unknown.

 

But I can honestly say now looking back that there was a reason it needed to happen. Just like in your case there was a reason it needed to happen. ALL relationships have there low points but the ones that last are the ones that FIGHT through those moments and re-invent themselves. But unfortunately people are lazy or just don't want to go through the work that it takes to fix things. They would rather move onto something else that's new and exciting. Use this time to focus on yourself, stay in close contact with friends, see a therapist if you need to (I wouldn't take pills unless you find it absolutely necessary to function), set some short and long term goals for yourself and most of all LEARN from this experience. This way you have the tools to have even better relationships going forward.

 

Things will turn around, continue to post here and realize that you were just born in the last 18 months, you did have a life before her. You WILL move forward, you will get better and you will love again...

[luke1081]

Wow, thanks guys, these are great responses. I think for a lot of us on here, we all know what we need to do and how to act, we just need it drummed into us countless times. I think you're right about ridding her from a pedestal and Im sure a lot of people put their ex's up there after breaking up. If she was such an angel, everything would have been perfect...and of course, no relationship ever is. The moments of despair and anguish are still there but I know they will lessen by the day. It's 11pm here in the UK at present. I know when I wake tomorrow I will feel awful but am going to do everything to combat that...I will try and get up, jump in the shower and not lie their wallowing. Im going back to work on Friday and things will change. Thank you so much for your help.

 

By the way, Ive been reading a book called The Yes Man (theres a Jim Carey movie based on it) and is about a guy who forces himself to say "Yes" all the time to any given opportunity presented with. It comes after he suffered a bad breakup. Great read, very inspirational. Reading helps sooth my anguish.

[EYECANDY000]

Luke,

 

let me start off by saying that I am sorry for your pain. It going to hurt. So theres nothing that you can do about it, but to start healing yourself. Rely a lot on friends and this site. I recently broke up with my ex and I was on t his site every hour on the hour. Everyones advice really helped me cope with the pain. At a time like this you cant cope by yourself.

 

My ex and I have been off and on and now we are back off. i am now starting day 2 of N/c. and it hurts like hell. I find myself crying throughout the day. throughout the night. at work. its hard. (and a lot of people know my story.)

 

to answer your question. I havent personally been to a doctor, but I am leraning how to deal with my emotions. One thing that helps me is to think about what hes doing. I always say to myself I wonder if hes in a slump? if hes crying uncontrollably? if he is home and dont want to be around anyone? and the answer to all those questions is No! so why should I?

 

im not saying not cry because sometimes it helps. but start doing something productive to motivate yourself, so you dont think about her. ( I know easier said then done)

 

if you ever need someone to talk to im here as well..

 

hang in there, those three days will soon increase to 3 months and then years.. and before you know it you will forget all about your ex.

 

take care!

[just1guy]

Luke, welcome to LS although I'm sorry under these circumstances.

 

First off, this girl is not perfect, You have to knock her off that pedestal. She told you that she wasn't "in love" with you anymore. Well, it's a two way street. Why didn't she do anything or say anything to try and get things on the right track again. When things are going well people either run from their problems and stick it out. She chose to run away, that's not a quality of a "perfect" mate. There's no such thing, we need to accept people for what they are. Accept her for what she is, a quitter when it comes to the relationship.

 

I know how you feel. I was on a plane for 12 hours after my ex fiance and I broke up. Had to move back into my parents house for the short term and crawl back to my old job, all while going through the most horrible breakup I ever experienced. I was angry at everyone, was in complete denial for a while, bitter (which I still am sometimes to a certain extent but working on it), tired and scared of the future...which was unknown.

 

But I can honestly say now looking back that there was a reason it needed to happen. Just like in your case there was a reason it needed to happen. ALL relationships have there low points but the ones that last are the ones that FIGHT through those moments and re-invent themselves. But unfortunately people are lazy or just don't want to go through the work that it takes to fix things. They would rather move onto something else that's new and exciting. Use this time to focus on yourself, stay in close contact with friends, see a therapist if you need to (I wouldn't take pills unless you find it absolutely necessary to function), set some short and long term goals for yourself and most of all LEARN from this experience. This way you have the tools to have even better relationships going forward.

 

Things will turn around, continue to post here and realize that you were just born in the last 18 months, you did have a life before her. You WILL move forward, you will get better and you will love again...

 

 

 

He's right. It's during that part of the relationship when the honeymoon period wears off and the real work begins. Like many of us here on LS, my ex left when we encountered our first low period right at our two year anniversary. I even asked her a few days before we broke up if we were getting little bit too comfortable and needed a spark. She told me we were great and no problems. Well, if they aren't willing to even put some effort, then it's better to find out now rather than later.

 

My biggest hurdle is to also get her off the pedestal and that's going to be a continuing process. I'm seeing a therapist this week to identify what is keeping me from knocking her off it.

 

LS is a great site. You'll find some really great advice here. Take care.

[sigurpol]

Like everyone else, sorry to hear you're going through this. But, keep going, you'll come out on the other end.

 

To answer your question about anyone who has seen a doctor, yes, I have.

 

Did it help? Very much so.

 

I didn't see an MD, nor was I prescribed any sort of medication. I didn't want any. Although, at times I took some downers so I could get SOME sleep. It helps. Eating and sleeping are important, even if it's hard to put forth effort to do them.

 

Anyway, I was already in some kind of counseling for other reasons other than a relationship thing. It wasn't anything serious, just something/someone to talk to every few weeks. He offered a lot of insight. Eventually after getting over my core reason of being there, I was back because of some short-term girlfriend that kinda got me off track again.

 

So talking to someone like I did really helped a lot.

[confused and broken]

Hi and welcome

My advice don't look at the worst case scenarios (the sky is not falling)...

Of course you will meet other girls just not in three days

They will be nicer, prettier... whatever... and no they will never be her... they will be different, better even, but different

You shared some special time together obviously by how torn up you are, and that will always be part of who you are

BUT

you will continue to grow and have other amazing experiences

Please don't think you will never meet anyone as good as her that is just such a terrible and crazy thought

It is normal to hurt

You know what a friend told me?

When someone rips your heart open there is more room for someone new

Good luck

[luke1081]

Thanks for the support guys, this site is very good. Its Day 4 and Im definitely going back to work tomorrow though not sure how I will cope. May talk to my manager in private and explain whats happening, and how Im a bit sensitive at the moment...do you think thats a good idea? I just hope I dont break down in the office. I keep having moments of very low feeling, and have been trying to distract myself by going shopping and visiting family....but my God its hard. At least it stops me from bursting into tears. Mt ex and I had planned to move intogether this summer. I am 28, she was 23 and I feel like I dont want to be living at home with mum and dad - though theyve also been brilliant.

[EYECANDY000]

Your on day 4, that's a good thing.. its going to get more easier..

 

Getting out the house and going to work may do you some good. Because when your home you have plenty of time to dwell and think about your ex. When I'm at work I still think about my ex but then I quickly distract myself with something else. And before I know it , I haven't thought about him for a few hours or so. So I'm glad you are going back tto work. Like stated break ups are hard but make sure your job isn't in jeopardy because of it. You just have to learn to roll with the punches.

 

I don't think its a good idea to tell your boss that you are going through a break up. I made3 that mistake. I soon realized that although its a big deal to me, the bottom line my boss didn't really care. Well she cared because she hated to see me so upset. But the end result she wanted to make sure the business wasn't affected and I was treating everyone in a pleasant manner. So although it was a huge deal that I am going through a break up it seemed a little trivial to her. Her focus was the business.. tell them you have personal issues but don't get into specifics.

 

Hope you are feeling better..

[luke1081]

. tell them you have personal issues but don't get into specifics.

 

Hope you are feeling better..

 

Thanks, yes in fact someone I know said I should say the same thing (and not go into specifics)...I will do that tomorrow. At least its friday tomorrow so will do one day and then the weekend. I have made some plans for the weekend to keep busy - though going out tomorrow night is one plan (and drinking and clubbing could be a bit soon!!). Off to the doctors in a bit to ask for some help. Im coping but Im constantly physically shaking. I also keep getting terrible 'punches' in the stomach - an indescribable feeling of emptyness and despair which is pretty crippling. Thanks guys.

[stella79]

Sorry to hear about your heartbreak Luke..I have recently been through hell...I was dumped and I'm going on week 4.. I had to take a week off of work because I could not cope. So I went to the Doctor on week 2, he gave me clonazepam and Remeron and said to come back in two weeks..anyways, I slept about 16 hours a day. Felt completely lethargic. I Threw the pills in the garbage (only took them for 2 days).

 

Everyday gets a little bit better, LS has helped me..just reading about others experiences and how they are coping. Talking it out with a counsellor helps too. You will get through this..Time heals, try not to jump into a new R.

 

Some medications can help take the edge off, but go slowly as you don't want to become dependent on meds to make you feel better..Take care of yourself..Stella

[LK30]

Hi Luke

 

I'm English as well, but I don't think it really matters and it shows that these sorts of things go on around the world daily. The American and Canadian people on here (as I assume most are) are awesome and I would love to be over there right now hanging out with some of them having a good time!

 

I have been thru the same thing as you mate, and do stick with 'no contact' as it does work depsite being very difficult. Delete all her Facebook profile stuff too. I know lots of people give the same advice, but I figure that shows they're right!

 

Maybe join a gym? Work off that stress and apparently exercise is a great remedy for stress and depresssing feelings! I've found going to work very helpful as it's a great distraction, and talking to my best mate about it. It really helps when they say 'it's a good thing you got out of that r'ship!'

 

I'm 2 months into no contact and I would say there are defo days where you will feel awful, and others you'll feel ok - even a few months on. I felt horrible yesterday, and thought I was making no progress but today I feel a bit better and it's good to know when you're having a bad day that a good one will follow.

 

Just keep busy and always say yes when someone invites you out for a social! Maybe even organise some stuff yourself. Think positive - we're British lol!!

[dannie19]

What do you mean you'll 'never meet another girl as nice as she was', she clearly wasn't nice at all or she'd have been upfront sooner. It seems so many dumpers spend a couple of months planning the end of the relationship an preparing themslves for it, then it's like a bolt out of the blue for the dumpee who hasn't had any time to prepare at all, while they just swan off. It just means she's been selfish and someone who runs away rather then working throug difficulties is quiite frankly going to a fat lot of use to you on life's all but smooth journey.

It sounds like your are doing really well but it will come and go in waves so be prepared for that, a book which is really helping me to deal with the healing process is Paul Mckenna's 'I can mend your broken heart'.

Also how did it go at the doctors? Don't let this selfish girl drive you to anti-depressants, seeing your doctor of course is great but try to use the other facilities on offer from the nhs such as counselling, there is relate too(it's not just for couples), although I think they charge. Finally can you not carry on with your plans to move out of your parent's home without her? I am sure you can, maybe a smaller place or in with a mate and not now but later in the year when you've healed more. Nice girl indeed!

[EmperorR]

Congrats on nc

I know it's hard, and don't worry you will find someone else. That always happens to me every time I date a girl and we break up oh no she was perfect rah rah, but then you will find a next girl and realize hey she's so much better

[goatee]

NC sucks don't do it. it makes the pain 100x worse

[luke1081]

Thanks guys, some wonderful advice. Again I think hearing and reading other peoples stories does help but it's funny how you feel so alone despite this....and I hope reading other peoples experiences is not actually making me analyse mine too much (perhaps I shouldnt look too much on this site). Plus, once the initial shock has subsided amongst your friends and family, they obviously move on very quickly while the dumpee is left behind to get on with alone.

 

Im on day 9 and have been back at work this week. The doctor gave me some anti-anxiety tablets (diazepam) which to be honest, havent done a hell of a lot...simply made me drowsy but not taken the mental state away. I guess only I can do that. Its been NC and thats helping plus I have several friends who have helped, though am conscious about being such a burden on them at the moment. As I read elsewhere on this board, wouldnt it be nice simply to have a fastforward button to get out of this time. I still feel very zombified and am not eating or sleeping brilliantly. I still get a "punch in the stomach" feeling whenever I think too hard about what I ave lost, but i know thats the wrong attitude and am trying so hard to change the way I think.

 

Im off to a yoga class tomorrow night with a friend. Never done that before and probably never would have, had I stayed with the ex...so, small blessings! I do find it hard to go out the door but know I have to do something sometimes or I will simply wallow inside. I honestly think a lot of what Im feeling is still shock. From seemingly having your life plans written in stone (marriage, houses, kids etc)....a week later...whoosh, its all gone. Thanks for everything guys.