Stepchildren

[VICTORIATHOMPSON]

Please somebody help me because I am going out of my mind. I have been with my partner for 2 years, I love him very much. He has two children from a previous marriage 9 and 16. Their mother has nothing to do with them other than a phone call at Christmas etc - ( which causes an argument between us) When first meeting my partner I told him that I did not wish to get too involved because I am not the sort of person who could ever accept another womans children, we both understood but emotions over time became deeper. Luckily my partners mother adores her grandson 9 and he lives with her. My partner and I work 6 full long days a week together. We get one day off a week. We have to have the 9 year old at work with us on Sat and its so hard, he needs constant entertainment and just hangs around me the whole time, what shall I do now, what shall I do now. Then our only day off Sunday we have to have him all day. I resent this child so much, I'm sure I'll get so many people telling me be grateful you only have him 2 days a week but you simply cannot understand what goes on in my head. I hate him with every bone in my body. He is lazy, asks dumb, greedy constantly thinks about what he can put in his mouth next. Expects to be driven around everywhere and rings if were late demanding where are we. I have to have him in my house, he treats it like he owns it and walks in any room he wants. He goes to the toilet and leaves you know what down the toilet and I have to clean it up. I have to cook his dinner then watch him sit at the table and chuck it everywhere and eat like a pig. I know this is all kid stuff but when the child is not yours and you have to have them in your home. I can't stand him near me but I can't stand him near my partner either. I get myself so worked up when I know I've got to have him. I'm expected to have him when his own mother doesn't even want to look after him, why should I, I'm not his mum. He makes my skin crawl, I feel like I want to clean everything he's touched, I can't stand him. I put on an act to him and he hasn't got a clue, he thinks I love him to bits but I just don't, I wish that I could but its destroying me, all I can think about is how many more years I have to keep seeing him and what is my partner mother ever gets sick, I'll be stuck with him and I know for sure that I can't stay with my partner no matter how much I love him if I get stuck with him. I've told my partner everything and he understands totally and is very understanding. I know it tears him apart but I can't love someone I don't love, I don't even like him.

 

Please can anyone help me, even if I just had someone to talk to about it. I can't talk to my friends because they all have children and just wouldn't understand. Please don't judge me as you can't know what I feel inside.

[2sure]

Since the children's mother is not in the picture, it is only natural for the children to look to their fathers new live in partner for maternal love. You and he deciding you would not like that doesnt change the facts.

 

Sounds like these children have been completely abandoned by both parents.

 

Its OK if you dont want to help them.

But must you hurt them?

[VICTORIATHOMPSON]

Truly I treat him nice when he's here, he doesn't have a clue how I feel at all

[VICTORIATHOMPSON]

Why do I get judged for not wanting him, his own mother doesn't even want him so why am I meant to? He's not my son I didn't give birth to him. I've had the sense not to have a child because I don't belive you should until you are stable and content. She had one and I get stuck with it while she lives her life as a single person? How am I being selfish?

[Eve]

Get the child involved in different weekend activities so that he is able to find other people who can love him.

 

At least do that much for him.

 

Remember also that most communication is non verbal..

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[VICTORIATHOMPSON]

I've tried what you suggested. He has no desire to do anything, he gets bored of everything after 5 minutes. I know you will all think that I give off vibes but truly I don't. I had a very nasty mum and would never make a child feel like I used to as a kid. How do I make my feelings change so that I can stay with my partner, at the moment the only solution I can see is splitting up from each other and neither of us wants that. But he's a dad before he's mine so I'll always come second to the child

[Eve]

I've tried what you suggested. He has no desire to do anything, he gets bored of everything after 5 minutes. I know you will all think that I give off vibes but truly I don't. I had a very nasty mum and would never make a child feel like I used to as a kid. How do I make my feelings change so that I can stay with my partner, at the moment the only solution I can see is splitting up from each other and neither of us wants that. But he's a dad before he's mine so I'll always come second to the child

 

It is normal for children to get bored. Its their favourite word as well.

 

What has been tried so far?

 

Poor child. The Dad sounds very weak to me. As for his Mum.. well I shall not even bother...

 

Maybe move on to childless pastures? It will be another loss for the child but it is better than being unloved I suppose. I cant do anything I really dont want to do so I dont know how you have managed this far.

 

Sorry that you had a nasty Mum.. theres plenty of that around.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[melodymatters]

I'm not going to slag you, one can't help how one feels, only what one DOES.

 

In this case, you have to make a decision. It's a case of what IS.

 

If your partner had an accident and was blinded, or parylized, it wouldn't be a case of what you " want" but rather what you can deal with.

 

This situaton IS.

 

Now you can only decide how YOU will respond.

 

I wish you luck. I had a dear friend, we always had feelings for each other, but by the time both of us were single, he had primary custody of two ADD children he wouldn't set limits for. I knew I could not and would not be comfortable in that situation so I declined.

 

Maybe when we are old and gray and the kids are gone, there will be another chance, maybe not.

 

That's life, kiddo !

[linwood]

There`s really nothing you can do but bear it or leave him.

 

I know because I`ve been bearing it for ten years.

 

There is now light at the end of my tunnel and I`m feeling pretty good about it.

 

[quankanne]

I'm not going to slag you, one can't help how one feels, only what one DOES.

 

In this case, you have to make a decision. It's a case of what IS.

 

yep. You know you resent the child, and don't like him, to boot, so why not move past that. It's purely your decision to keep disliking the child, and honestly, that's okay.

 

but now it's time to approach the relationship a different way, rather than being stuck on the fact that you hate the kid.

 

you say there are certain things about him that drive you absolutely up the wall. Instead of focusing on those feelings, do something proactive: Teach the kid how to behave. Because at this point, surely you realize that his gramma, while she loves him, probably spoils him beyond belief because he's a motherless child whose dad works long, hard hours and can't parent him full-time.

 

if you plan to stick around with this guy, then YOUR best interest is to teach the kid manners. How to keep himself entertained. Those kinds of things that are going to prepare him for the world as a teen, as an adult.

 

you don't have to like him (or love him), but respect the fact that you have a prime opportunity to not only change things for you (moving from hate to something less intense) but for him (teaching him how to be a decent human, not a brat). It's not your role, true, but it *is* an opportunity ...

[LucreziaBorgia]

I had a stepmother like you. All I can say is this: he probably hates you just as much as you hate him.

 

There aren't many choices outside of staying and bearing it or you leaving if you don't like it, unless the father is willing to give up his son to foster care or to give up his parental rights and give custody to his son's grandmother.

[2sure]

It certainly is fair enought to state that you do not want children and have made the decision not to have them

 

But when you decide to pursue a relationship with someone who has children...then you have children.

 

If you didnt want the kids, who you only see part time anyway....why on earth did you decide on this relationship??

[DaisyLeigh]

I "get" you. The kid should be taught manners. I have three sons, one of whom has Autism, and none of them eat like a pigs and leave poop in the toilet for me to deal with. We don't cater to their every whim either.

 

He can be taught.

 

But, I have to ask:

 

Why the HELL did you get involved with a man who has children, if you don't want children?

 

There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. I have a few CF acquaintances and friends. You don't have to love this child.

 

However, when you marry a man who has kids, it is unreasonable to expect the kids to just go away or never come around.

 

IMHO, your husband's first priority is to the children HE created. If you honestly cannot stand the thought of raising this child if his mother or grandma were to die or whatever, then you should get out of the marriage now. It is unfair for you, your husband and especially that poor kid.

 

I also have to wonder about a man who has children, who would marry someone who doesn't want kids. But then, your husband isn't even raising his own child, so go figure.

Edited April 8, 2010 by DaisyLeigh

[Stung]

Why do I get judged for not wanting him, his own mother doesn't even want him so why am I meant to? He's not my son I didn't give birth to him. I've had the sense not to have a child because I don't belive you should until you are stable and content. She had one and I get stuck with it while she lives her life as a single person? How am I being selfish?

 

 

You ARE being selfish because you got involved with a man with children knowing you were not cut out for it, and now you hate and resent the child and wish to cut him out of his father's life completely? This is far more childish than leaving crap in the toilet, frankly. You may believe that you could not help falling in love with him but the fact is that you have control over your life and could have walked away before things got to that point.

 

I am a stepmother and while the role can be both overwhelming and underappreciated at times I dearly love my stepdaughter and welcome her as an important part of my life. She's ten years old and does many of the same things your stepson does, because they are children. The other stuff are manners issues and can be taught, do you expect him to just naturally pop out of the womb acting like a small and well-mannered adult?

 

My stepdaughter's mother is a thorn in my side, I admit this freely. She drives me straight up the wall at times, but she is not my stepdaughter and I would never take out my frustrations with the mother on the child, nor let them color my feelings for and perception of her. My stepdaughter is an individual, and she is an innocent in the situation. She loves and trusts me and I cannot imagine betraying her trust with such hateful thoughts.

 

You can try to be proactive and teach the child some manners as others have suggested, but I suspect the root of this is a deeper resentment, quite simply that the child exists and has a combination of chromosomes that are your partners and another woman's rather than your own, all entwined with your own mommy issues.

 

The saving grace I see here is that I don't believe you are actually married. Don't marry. It is hard to split from someone when you love them but can't make it work, but sometimes it has to be done. You are clearly full of resentment and hatred, and since you have a past with a cruel mother I think you should go into counseling to figure out why the mother-role is turning you into someone I don't think you want to be. Don't you want to be free of this anger? Work on yourself and in the meantime find yourself a childless man and free your partner and his children. Do one truly loving act for this child by giving him a chance to find a mother-figure who actually cares about him. Even if you don't like him, surely you can agree that he deserves this?

[blind_otter]

Well.

 

I know how you feel.

 

The fact of the matter is that any child that has been abandoned by their mother is going to have some serious emotional issues. Though most people like to gloss over this, it is a huge thing - and a child with behavioral and emotional problems is difficult for ANYONE to be around, even the biological parents. The kids that avoid this consequence are those who have attentive bio parents who are on the ball about getting their kid counseling and combating the horrors of being abandoned.

 

My ex had an older son from a previous marriage. Initially, though he and I didn't get on well, he was only here every other weekend - but then his mother deicded to move to another country with her new boyfriend (who was moving to avoid having to pay alimony to his exwife) and abandoned her son here with his clothes in trashbags 2 weeks before the end of his schoolyear.

 

Once he moved in with us he lived here fulltime, and I slowly began to realize the depth and extent of his emotional disturbances and issues. He was enraged at his mother for leaving him, but she was not available for him to take his rage out. So he took it out on me.

 

I am not against children, actually. I have my own son and I love him dearly, and I mother him attentively. I can't imagine being able to just - move away and never see him again. Perish the thought.

 

But the truth is - this older boy was so troubled, I began having concerns as my son grew from being a baby to being able to imitate this 12 year old who had temper tantrums and laid down on the floor kicking and screaming. My son started imitating his older half brother's swearing, his nasty attitude. My own son even called me a bitch at 19 months old, because he had heard it said so much.

 

The house was horrible. It was horrible to live here. My ex felt guilty about and also ashamed of his older son at the same time. He was gone a lot and started drinking heavily again after a period of sobriety. MY son started losing weight. When I finally put my ex and his older son out of my house, my son only weighed 23 lbs and had to take a prescription because he was constantly throwing up.

 

Since my ex and his son moved out, my son gained all his weight back and then some. He doesn't throw up anymore. He is happier in general, and back to making progress developmentally rather than clinging to me and crying all the time.

 

No one wants to say, "I had to end this relationship because his kid was so awful."

 

But sometimes, you just have to. If you can't handle living with this kid, then you have to end the relationship with the father and move on. They come as a set, there's no getting around it. And if the Dad isn't going to put in the extra time and work to help their own kid out, then the situation will not ever change.

 

I will not say that my ex's older son was the only reason we split. We didn't have the best relationship prior to his moving in. But it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

[stillafool]

Why do I get judged for not wanting him, his own mother doesn't even want him so why am I meant to? He's not my son I didn't give birth to him. I've had the sense not to have a child because I don't belive you should until you are stable and content. She had one and I get stuck with it while she lives her life as a single person? How am I being selfish?

 

 

Did you meet the boy and know of the situation with his mother before you became involved with this man? You say you have talked to your bf about this and he fully understands. What does he suggest you do?

Edited April 9, 2010 by stillafool

[Eve]

OP, in many respects I think you have it easier because the natural Mum is not around. Crazy ex partners are best left out of the picture wherever possible methinks.

 

.. but I cant see any way out of this one for you. You should have stuck to your word and not got involved with a man with children.

 

Re-read your initial post.. you should not be around children..

 

I just feel sad for the child.

 

Worst case scenario is the child may end up kicking off once he becomes a teen and probably wont even know why he is behaving as such. Please understand that what goes 'unsaid' is a powerful subconscious stimulus that children are highly attuned to.

 

So, you may not think that you are hurting this child but really you are taking up space that he needs from his Dad.

 

He is the priority here, not you.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[blind_otter]

 

So, you may not think that you are hurting this child but really you are taking up space that he needs from his Dad.

 

I think the OP is getting some of the heat that the Dad should be taking. He is a fully grown adult, I assume, so the issue of someone else "taking up space" from the Dad shouldn't even BE an issue.

 

It is the father's responsibility to prioritize in an appropriate manner.

 

Sometimes, I think, single fathers that are left dealing with raising a child alone have no idea what to do...so they seek out "mommies" for their children, as much as some single mothers are accusing of looking for "daddies" for their kids.

[sally4sara]

Ok, I get that you can't help the way you feel. Not everyone feels compelled to nurture children. I don't wish to make you feel bad.

 

The only part that I find really odd, is why you can't stand the your partner - the kid's father - being around the boy? You expressed a few times that you are not the kid's mom and you shouldn't have to parent a kid that is not your kid just because the mom won't. But your partner IS the kids dad. Why don't you hold him to the same tasks you would expect the mom to do? Why does it bother you for the kid to have his father even if it would allow you to be less involved with the kid?

 

Why not remember the boy is only nine. You don't ask him if he wants to do something - you tell him what to do. You know more then he, you have more life experience and know more ways to be entertained than he does. Don't ask him, just get him involved with the Big Brother program. Then he can have someone to get him out of the house, off the food supplies, and developing interests. Maybe an organized sport and a sitter paid to take him to and from. He will make friends. The sitter could be paid to pick him up and drop him off for that too.

 

If these things can't/don't work for you, you need to get out of this relationship because while you can't help but feel the way you feel, you can't expect everyone else to bear the burden and negative impact of fixing it for you. You have no right to expect the kid to loose out on his father when he is all the kid has.

[sally4sara]

I think the OP is getting some of the heat that the Dad should be taking. He is a fully grown adult, I assume, so the issue of someone else "taking up space" from the Dad shouldn't even BE an issue.

 

It is the father's responsibility to prioritize in an appropriate manner.

 

Sometimes, I think, single fathers that are left dealing with raising a child alone have no idea what to do...so they seek out "mommies" for their children, as much as some single mothers are accusing of looking for "daddies" for their kids.

 

Yes, but the OP stated she can't stand for her partner to be around the kid either. There has to be room for compromise or she needs to get out of the picture.

[Lizzie60]

I have not even read the whole OP... these threads makes my blood boils...

 

Do this kid a favour and leave them... the child was there first..

[Stung]

I think the OP is getting some of the heat that the Dad should be taking. He is a fully grown adult, I assume, so the issue of someone else "taking up space" from the Dad shouldn't even BE an issue.

 

It is the father's responsibility to prioritize in an appropriate manner.

 

Sometimes, I think, single fathers that are left dealing with raising a child alone have no idea what to do...so they seek out "mommies" for their children, as much as some single mothers are accusing of looking for "daddies" for their kids.

 

 

There is no question that the father is weak, and failing in his responsibilities here. But he didn't write in, the OP did-- hating the child's very existence.

 

If the father wrote in he would be taken to task I am sure for allowing an untenable situation to continue, out of what? Cowardice? Laziness? Self-absorption? Probably all three, to some degree. He's surely engaging in neglectful parenting at best if he's letting his children live with their grandmother and remaining complacent about the fact that his chosen partner, their mother-figure, actually hates them. I would certainly never consider him a viable mate as I consider his lackadaisical parenting an extremely poor reflection on his character, and I would recommend that he take some parenting classes and figure out a way to spend more time with his kids, at a minimum. I am a parent as well as a step-parent and I can't even fathom staying romantically with anyone who felt this kind of seething hatred toward my child, so I would probably advise him to break up with his partner as well, or at the very least insist that she get some counseling, that they all go into family therapy.

 

One point, BO: the OP's situation did not sound anywhere near as bad as yours. Some of the things she brought up sounded like annoying and potentially difficult traits of a child who's been through some upheaval and spoiled as a result, but many of them sounded like perfectly normal and age-appropriate behaviors. She is not weary and afraid of horrifying tantrums, she is resentful of the child merely being in his own father's house two days a week because she doesn't want him there. She's angry about the child thinking his father's house is his own, about the child needing to be driven places, about the child spending time with his father...Apples and oranges.

 

And you're right--every child who has been abandoned is going to have some issues, at some point. I still maintain it is both adults responsibility to realize this and figure out how to deal with it constructively. Just because her partner also sucks with dealing with his kids doesn't absolve her of all responsibility for the role she plays. The OP was a grown woman who knew she didn't like children and who should have looked a lot harder before she leapt. My opinion, anyway.

 

ETA: I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to nurture others' children, or not wanting to nurture children at all. It's a hard and often thankless job either way and not everyone sees the rewards it offers, and that's fine. I see nothing wrong at all with wanting to be child-free. Just don't then put yourself in a position where you're going to have to nurture children and then blame the children when it turns out to be a role you don't like.

Edited April 9, 2010 by Stung

[tigereyes1428]

never ever in my life have i heard an adult speak about a child in this way - this is the flesh and blood of the man you love?? this child was abandoned by his mum and does not even live with his dad. this kid needs his father - the father should be devoting his time to his child and not someone who HATES !!!!!!!!!!!! his kid - honestly HATES??? are you for real that is such a strong word and i cant believe you can say that about a poor child - you say you had a bad mum - well why are you acting like this - YOU WILL BE GIVING OFF BAD VIBES I CAN GUARANTEE IT - kids are not silly and your resentment will not be hidden,

why did you get involved with someone who has kids if your not the sort to take on kids - your causing this poor kid more suffering and frankly he has had enough

also if you really love your partner why would you put him in this position?

sometimes when you love someone but cant give them what they need you should leave him in my opinion.

 

and for the record your partner sounds very weak to allow his child who was abandoned by the mum to live with a grandparent - this kids attitudes come from little parental input in his life - hate your partner for not bringing him up but not the poor kid.

the fact you cant tell your friends who are parents how you really feel implies that you know your bang out of order

[sally4sara]

You're only a bad person for feeling the way you do if you stay in this relationship and affect this kid's life.

Find a relationship without impeding on the life of a blameless kid.

[stillafool]

Hello, VictoriaThompson are you there?