tnttim Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 lol... I think I'll stop here... I liked your joke... Cool then it's squashed I am just here to help, not fight I think being open to everyone's posts is where you find the answer for what you came here for. We are all unique but yet at one point in our lives we all acted the same.
You Go Girl Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Why is it difficult now, when it was easy when we were dating? I think men ask themselves this question, and it's the right question, but some keep coming up with the wrong answer. When you were dating a woman, any woman in your past, you paid attention to her cues. You paid attention on that first date, whether or not you could get a kiss, because the last thing you wanted was to get rejected. So something as simple as a kiss is an excellent example. YOU TUNED IN TO HER EMOTIONS! And that's why it was EASY, in many cases. Now, married some of you don't tune into her emotions anymore. You perhaps think that you don't have to anymore, that you've earned regular sex. But marriage is no guaranttee...(and yes I'll bash the women in a minute) There's no sexual 'contract'. I don't go for the clean the house more, etc., as that isn't tuning into her emotionally. HOWEVER, if there is something she has been angry about for a long time, maybe even years, that she wants corrected and still isn't, yeah, I'd fix that first. Resentment is extremely high on a woman's list to tune you out sexually. There's a cause and effect here= tune her out emotionally, she WILL tune you out sexually. That above sentence about says it all. You want to connect sexually. For a woman, you have to connect emotionally FIRST. Not TRY to connect emotionally. SUCCEED at connecting emotionally. Now,for the women bashing, they too think they have earned things sometimes after marriage...after kids... some think they have earned the right to tune you out sexually, just as some men think they have earned the right to tune their wives out emotionally. For a woman, it's really the same thing. If she's tuned you out sexually, she's already tuned you out emotionally, UNLESS she is reacting to you having tuned her out emotionally.
tnttim Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I agree again with you go girl. I changed my ways and my sex life is awesome so far. I think someone said, it only works 1 or 2 times then she stops. My wife has intiated sex at least 15 times since I changed my attitude in February. She is also way more into to it, it doesn't seem like a chore to her now. Because instead of guilting her into sex, or demanding more, I simply taped into her emotions, and we both have been rewarded. The one thing I have noticed is that she still harbors some fears that the old me will soon return. I think this is a mental road block that only time will break down, I hope. I am enjoying the results I am having, so I am not changing my approach.
mem11363 Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I would be the first to agree it is a difficult situation when relationship conflict causes a libido crash. The more a person sees sex as an exercise in "receiving pleasure" the more loss of libido impacts their willingness to have sex. Conversely the more a person sees sex as an exercise in (giving) pleasing their partner, the less impact loss of raw libido has on their sex life especially if they have a partner who makes the effort to please them in bed. This type person doesn't start off feeling angry/put upon when their drive is low, they start to play with a giving focus and along the way often end up aroused and then satisfied. And yes - this is predicated on their partner being a giver also - this whole deal becomes parasitic if you have a strong giver and a strong taker. Two givers - one with a high libido the other a low libido - can make it work well. Maybe this seems one sided - but it isn't for us. Last night W was exhausted and so I gave her a prolonged massage with zero intention of turning her on, sexually connecting. She was feeling a little guilty and asked a couple times if I wanted to have sex - I just laughed and said "touching your body like this is a special type of joy for me - my hands love you - this is a type of sex to me so just relax and enjoy" I would also say that to sustain a healthy relationship you sometimes do what feels unnatural. Somewhere around the mid-point in our marriage I realized that no matter how much conflict we might be having it was good for us/her/me for me to go to church with her and the kids on Sunday. And while I do this as a kindness to her - not as a true believer - doing it is a tangible message of: "I love you - and you matter to me - and whats important to you is by definition important to me" And so - middle of intense conflict - I not only go - I am civil. And that message is - I am angry - but still committed - I am angry - and it is also true that I still love you. And yes - sometimes internally the little gray wolf monkey that lives inside of me says "don't go - show her who's boss" and that is a voice I have learned to ignore. Rotating the table 180 degrees - my wife regularly connects with me solely for ME - could be there is some background conflict between us, with one of the kids, or could be she is tired - etc. And more than half of those offers I smile and decline - tell her I hope tomorrow is a less stressful day for her. And mostly she lets me decline - she says how nice I am - but if it has been more than 4-5 days good chance she will say "stop talking, stop arguing with me, take off your clothes and take charge" The loudest - clearest - strongest "I love you" I ever hear is when my wife says "lets connect tonight - and I KNOW she isn't really feeling it physically." As to whether or not I say yes and we connect - it doesn't matter - the message is loud and clear and real and that message feels better than anything else in my universe. And I try hard to echo that back with my favorite phrase "I love you enough not to make love to you tonight" I agree again with you go girl. I changed my ways and my sex life is awesome so far. I think someone said, it only works 1 or 2 times then she stops. My wife has intiated sex at least 15 times since I changed my attitude in February. She is also way more into to it, it doesn't seem like a chore to her now. Because instead of guilting her into sex, or demanding more, I simply taped into her emotions, and we both have been rewarded. The one thing I have noticed is that she still harbors some fears that the old me will soon return. I think this is a mental road block that only time will break down, I hope. I am enjoying the results I am having, so I am not changing my approach.
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